Author: sammano

The 30 Day Song Challenge – Part 1

Y’all know I’m a rebel, right?? You also know that on previous occasions I have been inspired by things I see on social media. I saw this challenge on Facebook awhile back and immediately knew it was something I wanted to dive into. However, not only do I not have the patience to post a different song every day for an entire month, but I also didn’t want to be flippant in my answers…I feel like it is important to provide context. I have been listening to a lot of music the past few months, so I’ve taken some time to really ponder my responses. I have added the extra stipulation…just as a fun obstacle for myself…that no artist can have more than one song (although there is one exception to that rule). I could do this challenge several more times and choose totally different songs, but I’m pretty satisfied with the list presented. Enjoy.  

 

 

 

 

1       A song you like with a color in the title…

Purple Rain (Prince)

I have to be honest…I was never a huge Prince fan when I was a kid & he was popular. It wasn’t until I grew up that I really understood the depth of his talent. His performance at the Super Bowl halftime show in 2007 is certainly one of the best ever. In 1984 the film Purple Rain was released in theaters, but let’s be real…all anyone remembers about that movie is Prince’s love interest Apollonia Kotero appearing topless, which 12 year old Me was rather psyched about. The song is much more memorable. There are dozens of tunes with a color in the title, but this one popped into my head almost immediately.

 

 

2       A song you like with a number in the title…

1812 Overture (Tchaikovsky)

Countless songs come to mind. I could pick any of several dozen tunes, but I’ve chosen to go off the beaten path. It seems odd that a song written over 120 years ago to commemorate a Russian military victory could become a staple of America’s celebration of independence, but it is one of my favorite moments every July 4th, especially when played by the Boston Pops. The song is about 16 minutes long, and I encourage everyone to enjoy every single second of it.

 

 

3       A song that reminds you of summertime…

Summer Wind (Frank Sinatra)

Ol’ Blue Eyes!! Summer is my favorite season, and there is no shortage of songs out there that symbolize it in various ways. Having said that, one can’t go wrong listening to The Chairman croon about painted kites, golden sand, & a blue umbrella sky.

 

 

4       A song that reminds you of someone you’d rather forget…

Bad Bad Leroy Brown (Jim Croce)

This one is really difficult for me because I associate music with happiness & good memories, and I’m not sure I even bother to connect music with people I don’t like. However, after much ponderation I did recall a funny story. About two decades ago I spent seven years as a supervisor at a teleservices company. We always played music during the call session, and then we’d turn up the volume at break time. One day a busybody from the corporate office was lurking and questioned whether or not Bad Bad Leroy Brown was “call center appropriate” because of the lyric “baddest man in the whole damn town”. The company liked to represent itself as having “Christian values”, although in my experience that wasn’t exactly true. At any rate, I am a Christian myself but far from a prude, so I found her opinion laughable. I wonder what she would have thought had she heard us playing Brick House by The Commodores (which was a regular part of the rotation)?? I have more than one reason to dislike this person, but the Leroy Brown story fits the present criteria just fine.

 

 

5       A song that needs to be played loud…

Paradise by the Dashboard Light (Meat Loaf)

I have a lot of great college memories, especially when it comes to Greek life. Paradise was kind of an unofficial theme song for one of the sororities on campus, and things always got a little bit rowdy when the song came on. Meat Loaf enjoyed a brief career renaissance in the early 90’s, so I suppose that was part of it too.

 

 

6       A song that makes you want to dance…

Gimme Some Lovin’ (The Blues Brothers)

Forgive me, but another college story. This is our fraternity’s unofficial theme song, accompanied by a well-choreographed dance (always sublimely performed once we were…comfortably numb) and a bawdy post-dance chant that I cannot repeat within the family friendly confines of The Manofesto.

 

 

7       A song to drive to…

I Can’t Drive ‘55 (Sammy Hagar)

Has it aged well?? I don’t know. Certainly driving 55MPH seems like a quaint idea in these days of 65/70 miles per hour speed limits. But when the song was released way back in 1984 exceeding 55MPH seemed cool & edgy. Actually Sammy Hagar could easily update it to I Can’t Drive ’85 and wouldn’t have to change anything else.

 

 

8       A song about drugs/alcohol…

Cocaine (Eric Clapton)

I have never been into drugs myself with the exception of a few adventures with weed, and my drunken frat boy days are way in the rear view mirror. However, there are a ton of superb songs about such activities, and this one immediately sprang to mind. Clapton is truly one of the all-time greats.

 

 

9       A song that makes you happy…

Footloose (Kenny Loggins)

I can’t dance myself, but how can one not love a snappy tune that just makes you want to shake your groove thing?? If I’m in my vehicle and Footloose comes on the radio I’m turning up the volume and rockin’ out, and I’m not shutting off the engine ‘til the song is over.

 

 

10     A song that makes you sad…

I Will Always Love You (Whitney Houston)

I’m a sucker for a good romance. 1992’s The Bodyguard starred not only one of my favorite actors in Kevin Costner, but was the film debut of songstress Whitney Houston, a longtime teenage crush. Houston was enchanting, and her premature death devastating. At any rate, for The Bodyguard she remade what had originally been a hit for Dolly Parton in the early 70’s. I am a person who is always rooting for the guy & girl to end up together at the end, so a song about things not quite working out makes me sad anyway. Add in Whitney Houston’s haunting rendition of the song and her tragic demise and…well…I’m a little verklempt.

 

 

11     A song you never tire of…

Leave a Tender Moment Alone (Billy Joel)

I’m a huge Billy Joel fan, so I could listen to practically his entire catalogue all day every day. However, given the task of choosing just one song things become clear. Joel’s vocals are so good on this tune, and my heart longs to meet a gal that can make me feel what he expresses.

 

 

12     A song from your preteen years…

Billie Jean (Michael Jackson)

No one was bigger than Michael Jackson in the 1980’s. Billie Jean was released in January 1983, before I turned 11 years old. It was a catchy song with a cool video, and that spring Jackson performed the song on a Motown TV special, introducing the masses to The Moonwalk. My childhood was full of pop culture moments like that.

 

 

13     A song you like from the 70’s…

Somebody to Love (Queen)

I almost hate broad questions like this. Can you narrow it down for me?? The 70’s were such a great decade for music, so it’s hard to make a definitive choice. Using my own self-directed parameters makes things a little easier, and I feel like I really need to include a song from Queen. You can have Bohemian Rhapsody, We Are the Champions, & We Will Rock You (all fine songs…don’t misunderstand)…for my money it doesn’t get much better than this. Queen’s combination of beautiful lead vocals by Freddie Mercury, impeccable musicianship, and melodic harmonies is unmatched in rock music.

 

 

14     A song you’d love to be played at your wedding…

Now & Forever (Richard Marx) & From This Moment On (Shania Twain)

I can’t choose just one. I suppose one could be played during the ceremony and the other as a first dance, although to be honest I’ve never been enamored with the whole idea of a bride & groom’s first dance for obvious reasons. Anyway, I think both songs are perfect for such an occasion.

 

 

15     A song you like that’s a cover from another artist…

To Make You Feel My Love (Garth Brooks)

About a year ago I was laid up in the hospital and kind of tired of television (the more things change…yada yada yada), so I began listening to a lot of music via the Amazon Music app on my phone. I’m not a country music guy, but I do enjoy some Garth Brooks and stumbled onto this one, much to my everlasting pleasure. What I didn’t know until later was that Brooks recorded the cover in 1998…the original had been written by Bob Dylan a year or so earlier, and even though it was on one of his albums he never released it as a single. A few months before Dylan’s album dropped my man Billy Joel recorded the song for his Greatest Hits Volume III. As much as I love Billy Joel I have to say that I enjoy the Garth Brooks version better.

 

 

 

This feel like an appropriate time to take a break. Stay tuned for Part 2!

Quarantine Bingo – Part 2

Man was born for society. However little he may be attached to the world, he never can wholly forget it, or bear to be wholly forgotten by it. Disgusted at the guilt or absurdity of Mankind, the misanthrope flies from it. He resolves to become a hermit and buries himself in the cavern of some gloomy rock. While hate inflames his bosom, possibly he may feel contented with his situation. but when his passions begin to cool, when time has mellowed his sorrows and healed those wounds which he bore with him to his solitude, think you that content becomes his companion? No! No longer sustained by the violence of his passions, he feels all the monotony of his way of living, and his heart becomes the prey of ennui & weariness. He looks round and finds himself alone in the universe. The love of society revives in his bosom and he pants to return to that world which he has abandoned. Nature loses all her charms in his eyes…no one is near him to point out her beauties or share in his admiration of her excellence & variety. Propped upon the fragment of some rock, he gazes upon the tumbling waterfall with a vacant eye. He views without emotion the glory of the setting sun. Slowly he returns to his cell at evening, for no one there is anxious for his arrival. He has no comfort in his solitary, unsavory meal. He throws himself upon his couch of moss, despondent & dissatisfied, and wakes only to pass a day as joyless, as monotonous as the former. – Matthew Gregory Lewis

If you missed out on Part 1 please go and check it out. We’ll leave the light on for you.

 

 

Baked in the Kitchen – Well, I’m a bachelor. I can cook, but most of the time it’s just easier to eat a sandwich or throw something in the microwave. Occasionally I get in the mood to bake. For example, a couple of years ago I made a whole bunch of cookies & candy for my family as Christmas gifts. Alas, that urge doesn’t hit all that often, and it hasn’t occurred during this quarantine.

 

Watched Tiger King – I alluded to this in Part 1 because I wasn’t thinking ahead, but no…I haven’t watched it…yet. I may get around to it or I might not. We’ll see.

 

Spent Day in Pajamas – I don’t own pajamas per se, but I oftentimes lounge around the apartment in sweatpants or shorts and an old t-shirt I wouldn’t wear in public. I’ve done that a lot the past few weeks, but it’s really nothing new.

 

Googled About a Cough – No. I feel okay and haven’t been stressing out too much about the whole virus situation.

 

Slept in Late – My sleep habits have always been weird. I am naturally a night owl, although with my work schedule the past year I have been going to bed earlier. Since I am currently not working all bets are off. I’m up til 4 or 5am. The strange thing is that I’ll still be up by 8 or 9 in the morning, but then I’ll want to take an afternoon nap. When I return to work I’ll need to readjust my internal timeclock.

 

Did Zoom or Facetime – I’d never heard of Zoom until all of this started, and now I wish I would have bought some stock in it. I do have Facetime & video chat on Messenger, but no one ever hits me up. As a matter of fact, the most disappointing thing has been the lack of interaction I’ve had with people despite all the available technology. The only people I ever talk to are my father (who I love but he drives me nuts) and a well-intentioned neighbor who simply isn’t equipped to hold up their end of the type of insightful, intelligent, meaningful conversation that would gratify my soul. Someday this will probably be the saddest memory I have of the whole situation.

 

Did Your Nails – I’m a guy, so…I just cut them when needed.

 

Watched a Disney Movie – Not yet, but that’ll probably happen soon.

 

Worked Out – Lord knows I need to. I don’t get enough exercise as it is, and nowadays I’m moving around even less than usual. It’s a recipe for disaster.

 

Cleaned Your Whole House – My apartment is kept fairly neat most of the time, and I haven’t gone overboard just because I am home more.

 

Cried – No, not really. I’ve been sad a few times, and there is a situation that’s got me tied up in knots just a bit, although it isn’t virus related. I’m not ashamed to cry, but the quarantine hasn’t brought me to that yet.

 

Found Out You’re Essential – Unfortunately not. I alluded to my job in Part 1, but there are reasons why I’m not working right now. I’d go back tomorrow if called, but I don’t believe that’s going to happen anytime soon.

Quarantine Bingo – Part 1

I never thought we’d be playing BINGO (so to speak) again in this space quite so soon, but inspiration strikes in the oddest places at the strangest times. I saw this meme on Facebook, and since I have a platform that many others don’t I decided it would be fun to provide context that social media just doesn’t allow.

I think I’ve gone thru all the stages of grief during this quarantine, though probably not in the correct order. Presently I bounce back & forth between acceptance & anger. In my more accepting moments I figure that I may as well be productive and achieve a few things while all of life’s other distractions are on hiatus, but then my lifelong & overwhelming tendency toward procrastination kicks in, so honestly I haven’t gotten as much done in the past few weeks as one may presume.

 

 

 

Shopped Online – Yes, but mostly for my father. Dad doesn’t have a computer and watches way too much TV, so I’ve ordered quite a few things for him on Amazon lately, from copper gloves for his arthritis to a boombox (Dad still has CDs) to country music that I’d never listen to myself.

 

Listened to a Podcast – I’ve been telling myself for the past year that I am going to get into podcasts, but I just can’t do it. I have no idea why.

 

 

Ordered Takeout – Thankfully one of the few things that haven’t shut down are restaurants…atleast not most of them. Not only that, but sit down restaurants are offering curbside service, meaning I don’t even need to drag my big ol’ butt or my wheelchair out of the vehicle. The only thing stopping me from eating out every single night is a tight budget and a desire to shed a few pounds. I’ve been taking one of my neighbors along once or twice a week, more as an excuse to get out of my apartment and enjoy the sunshine than anything else. Food is just an added benefit.

 

Binge Watched TV – I never watched NBC’s The Office when it originally aired from 2005-13. I have no idea why, because it is hysterically funny. Perhaps it was divine intervention. God knew I’d need a pleasant distraction during this mess, and I’m so thankful for it. I am currently in Season 6, and already have a few ideas about what I want to watch next. And just in case you are curious…no, I haven’t watched Tiger King. Under normal circumstances it just wouldn’t be my thing, but now…who knows?? I’m not normally one to follow the crowd, but I may eventually check it out.

 

Braved the Grocery Store – Yes. At first I wasn’t the least bit concerned, and since the opportunities for human interaction are so limited I hit WalMart, Kroger, & Price Cutter all within a couple of weeks. However, the last time I was in WalMart folks were walking around with masks & gloves, which kind of freaked me out. Then all the stores began limiting the number of customers and enacted other restrictive (but understandable) protocols, so now it’s just not worth the hassle. I’ll just go back to the pickup option where they bring everything out to your vehicle after you’ve shopped online, which is how I’d been grocery shopping the past few years anyway.

 

Went for a Walk – No. Well first of all I can’t walk, so there’s that. Could I go for a…stroll?? Ehhh…not really. I live in the city and accessibility is an issue. I’d be better off if I could get some exercise though.

 

Home Schooled – No. I’m not a student and I have no children. Kudos to all the parents out there that are dealing with all of that.

 

Shared a Toilet Paper Meme – Yes, absolutely. One of the few bright spots in all of this have been the memes. I lean toward posting amusing content on social media anyway, and especially now I think we all could use a good laugh as much as possible.

 

Worked from Home – Sadly, no. I work in reception at a local hospital, and when all of this first started my boss was concerned that the place could be locked down at any moment, meaning employees could conceivably be forced to stay there for an extended period of time. Due to my disability that would be an untenable situation, so we mutually agreed that I’d take some time off. I no longer believe that such a lockdown will happen, but I understand that they want to have a skeleton crew there as much as possible, and with no visitors allowed into the facility I’m not really needed right now. Part of me feels bad about that, but intellectually I know it’s the safer option.

 

Did Yard Work – No. I live in an apartment building. I don’t do yard work.

 

Drank Wine – I’ve never been a fan of wine. Grapes don’t like me anyway. I have considered buying some beer and hearkening back to my college days by just getting plastered, but I’ve not given into that temptation. I watch these really fun videos online from The Tipsy Bartender, so I have pondered the idea of heading to the local liquor store (which has a drive thru) and making some cocktails at home, but I haven’t done that either.

 

Read an Entire Book – Surprisingly…no. I have plenty of options on hand, but the truth is that I don’t read as much as I used to or as often as I should. There is one book that I’ve made it a goal to complete soon, and when I do you’ll real all about it right here.

 

 

I think this is a good place to take a break. Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion!!

Hope Springs Eternal (Even In Quarantine)

What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered? – Groundhog Day

 

 

 

 

In the spring of 2006 I landed in the hospital with an ulcer on my tailbone. After six months in a “skilled” nursing facility and over a year homebound I finally had the surgery that should have been done much earlier, so by the time I recovered and got back out & about a full two years of my life had passed by. Longtime citizens of The Manoverse will recall previous mentions of what I refer to as My Unfortunate Incarceration, but I bring it up again because I feel like it prepared me for our current situation.

 

I’ll be honest…at first I didn’t take the Coronavirus/Covid-19 seriously. We have these little plagues occasionally, right?? H1N1. SARS. Ebola. Zika. Not to be flippant, but unless you or someone you love is directly affected most of us carry on with our lives and don’t give it much thought. There is normalcy outside of the infected bubble. But not this time. In the past few weeks I temporarily lost my job, live sports have totally disappeared from the landscape, toilet paper has become a valuable commodity, folks are walking around grocery stores wearing masks & gloves, every kid is being homeschooled, no one can gather together in a restaurant for a meal or at a music venue for a show, we are being bombarded with constant admonitions to wash our hands, and social distancing has become the most unlikely of buzz words. Our nation has practically shut down.

 

Having said all of that, I refuse to get dragged down into a depression. I will not allow myself to wallow in the doom & gloom that is being promoted…almost gleefully…by the media. There is a fine line between staying informed and crawling up into the fetal position in a corner. Instead, I am choosing to look ahead.

 

When I was in the “skilled” nursing facility my father would visit every single evening, and something he told me constantly was “Son, just remember the difference between you and almost everybody else here: eventually you’re going to get out of here, go home, & resume a normal life”. And you know what?? He was right. I did leave that facility after six incredibly tough months. Sure, I was homebound for an entire year, with my only outing being the occasional doctor’s appointment, but atleast it was a step forward. Then, after recovering from my surgery, I began driving again, started a new job, and got back to my boring little life. However, what I discovered was that it wasn’t quite as mundane anymore.

 

After being locked up…so to speak…for two years little things meant a lot. Running into old friends at the mall. Seeing a movie at the theater. Eating at a favorite restaurant. In other words, all the things that we are being deprived of during this virus quarantine. It may be a month. It may be two months. It may be longer. I don’t know. But eventually we can all get back to our routine, only that sense of normalcy won’t be taken for granted…I hope.

 

I hope that we retain a robust admiration for our “essential” workers. Truckers. The food service industry. Anyone who works in any capacity in healthcare, from doctors & nurses to aides to janitorial crews. I actually am employed at a hospital, but for a variety of reasons I won’t bore y’all with I’m not currently working, and to be honest I feel a sense of guilt about that. A big part of me would rather be on the front lines with my colleagues than holed up at home, even though I know I am safer not being at work.

 

I hope churches are packed when this thing ends. I haven’t been to church myself in a couple of years because of my job, but I need to find a way around that. Church folks will tell you that the church isn’t a building, and that’s true. Ministers have found some creative ways to reach out in recent weeks, presenting the Word of God online in various formats. That’s fantastic, but we also know that The Bible tells us in Matthew 18:20 that “where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them.” That doesn’t mean that God isn’t with you while you are “social distancing”, but it does speak to the value of fellowship. In the meantime, the current circumstance does provide a unique opportunity to read The Bible more than usual and spend some quiet one-on-one prayer time with The Lord.

 

I hope we learn a healthy gratitude for just how good we have it. An old friend of mine once observed that I “basically live in a library” because the walls of my apartment are lined with books. On top of that I just bought a brand new TV back on Black Friday and have access to Netflix and whatever else is available. Youngsters today probably take The Internet for granted, but I am old enough to remember life before it existed, and I am so glad it is an available & useful distraction right now. More than a decade ago I spent two years having to find ways to entertain myself, keep my mind sharp, and stay engaged in the world. I did it then, and it’s much easier now. I have listened to music more in the past few weeks than I had for a long time, and it is the best therapy on the planet.

 

I hope everyone retains a vigorous sense of humor. It has been difficult to converse with some lately, the kind of people who lean toward the negative and watch too much CNN & MSNBC, regurgitating morose talking points. I am not suggesting that we should bury our heads in the sand and not be knowledgeable about what’s going on in the world, but there is a fine line between staying informed and becoming mired in pessimism. I don’t feel like I have anything too significant to offer the world, but a small contribution I can make is to keep things light & fun. One of the few good things to come out of all of this has been the hilarious memes & really creative parody songs, and I have made it a point to post positive, fun, uplifting things on social media. If something like that can put a smile on just one person’s face or even make them literally laugh out loud then it’s a good thing. That doesn’t mean I or anyone else is unaware of what’s going on or that we don’t care about people becoming ill & dying. Trust me…I am very mindful of the gravity of the situation…it’s just that I am making a conscious choice to not add to the melancholy.

 

I hope we have just a bit more appreciation for the fun little excursions we think the world owes us. I am a diehard sports fan, and to see things like March Madness, the NBA, MLB, & NHL seasons, The Masters, and Nascar races postponed or cancelled has been excruciating. And while many restaurants have remained open because…well, we gotta eat, right??…they are limited to drive thru & carry out service. How great will it be…when this whole deal is over…to sit down with a good meal, maybe flirt a little bit with a cute waitress, and run into old acquaintances we haven’t seen for awhile?? There is an old refurbished theater just down the road here that just re-opened a couple of years ago after being empty & neglected for decades. I’ve spent some enjoyable evenings there with old movies, Jay Leno, Travis Tritt, and even the Tony Award winning play Once. I always run into a few people I know. There may not be long & meaningful conversations, but there are smiles, waves, handshakes, & the occasional embrace. I look forward to all of that when this darkness is over.

 

I hope parents have a new respect for the people educating their kids. I do not have children, and one of the debates I’ve been having with myself is whether or not I’m better off. Is it better to go thru this challenging time a little bored & lonely, or would I prefer to have a house full of little ones that I’d be responsible for home schooling and helping to make sense of the craziness?? Kudos to all the Moms & Dads out there trying to make all of this okay for their progeny, and a tip of the cap to anyone who works in education and prepares the next generation for their future.

 

I hope we all learn to appreciate our jobs just a bit more. We all have bad days. Sometimes things just don’t go right and people simply tick us off for no reason. That’s okay…we’re human. Everyone hates their job sometimes and wishes they could just retire & go hang out on the beach. However, the truth is that most of us desire to be productive and contribute in some way to society. We need a reason to get out of bed in the morning, and obviously many people have families to provide for and bills to pay. My heart hurts to think of the economic impact of this quarantine…the small businesses that may never re-open & the massive job losses. Even those who are still working right now have seen their daily routine changed, whether that means working remotely from home, taking extra precautions at “essential” businesses, or other new protocols that are far from the norm. Perhaps when things get back to the way they used to be we can all try to not complain as often and maybe even enjoy being at work as much as possible.

 

Is it all just wishful thinking?? Am I being whimsically optimistic?? Author Oscar Wilde once said that “we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars”. Your mileage may vary, and that’s okay. Is the glass half full or half empty?? The answer lies in one’s perspective, and I just happen to believe that a waiter with a pitcher will be along shortly to give me a refill…hopefully in a crowded restaurant chock-full of friends, family, and beautiful single women that I can flirt with & be rejected by, as has been the status quo for my entire life.

Wheelchair Bingo…Part 2

And we’re back!! If you haven’t read Part 1 of this little epistle please do so now. We’ll just hang out here waiting for y’all to catch up.

Okay, good…everybody has returned. So how’s the how pandemic quarantine thing going for you?? Alright, alright…enough of that for now, but stay tuned. I’ll be addressing the elephant in the room soon. For now it’s time to get back to our list of things that “normal” people say to disabled people. Handicapped. Handicapable. Crippled. Differently abled. To be honest some of the terminology makes me laugh. Citizens of the Manoverse know that political correctness isn’t my thing, which is why I’m able to poke fun at this stuff and not take myself too seriously. So sit back (six feet apart!), don’t touch your face, & enjoy. And for God’s sake wash your hands when you’re finished reading.

It’s all in your head.

No, I’m pretty sure it’s not. And FYI…anyone who says this to a disabled individual with any level of seriousness is not a good person.

You’re an inspiration.

This is where I’m going to get myself in big trouble. Throughout my life I have randomly had people tell me this or something akin to it, and I’m torn. I understand that the polite thing to do is to smile & accept the compliment in the spirit in which it is given. I sincerely appreciate the sentiment, and if I have in fact inspired anyone in any way I’m humbled. I am touched when anyone is astute enough to understand obstacles I face and recognizes little things that I overcome on an almost daily basis. On the other hand, my life is my life, and I don’t consider relatively mundane tasks like getting in & out of my vehicle, going to work, or living independently all that inspirational. My biggest goal in life has never been to stand out from the crowd…it’s been to blend in and be just like everybody else as much as possible. Also, when people pat me on the back for normal & insignificant things it reinforces how average my life is and how I actually haven’t achieved anything worthy of true praise. Perhaps that is just my own special brand of neuroticism, but I’m just being honest.

You seem very happy!!

Looks can be deceiving. I’m not going to go down a dark road here…I want to keep it light & fun. However, the same people who are “inspired” by me don’t really seem all that invested in truly getting to know me. This whole quarantine situation has simply reinforced how lonely I already was, and it kind of ticks me off. At any rate, I’m sure that I’m not the only person in the world who puts on a happy face for social media and hides my melancholy while at work or when out on the town.

Can I have a go??

I have no idea what that means. It sounds British. If anyone can shed some light on the phraseology I’d appreciate it. Until then I probably shouldn’t comment.

I’m only parking here for five minutes.

Yeah, right. I’ve heard that one way too many times. There is a 15 minute loading zone in the parking lot of my apartment building, and the way it is laid out I have a very difficult time backing my truck out when someone is parked there. I’m willing to wait fifteen minutes, but the problem is that people often park in that loading zone for hours, which really gets me revved up. More specific to handicapped parking spots, I generally don’t have an issue, but it seems pretty simple…if you don’t have a permit to utilize one of those spaces just don’t do it. I don’t care what your reasoning may be. Everybody these days seems to be under the mistaken impression that their lives & their problems are more important than anyone else’s, which is just not true. Whatever drama is happening in your life in the moment does not provide a legitimate excuse to park in a handicapped spot even for just five minutes. Don’t do it.

You do realize that sitting is bad for you??

Nooo…really?? That is brand new information!! Okay, seriously…yes, I am aware. I have read the stories about how sitting around too much shortens one’s life span. Trust me…I get it. Exercise…or lack thereof…has been an issue for me my entire life. Believe me when I say that I’d love to be buff & sexy for the ladies, and I’d prefer to be skinnier & healthier for my own well-being. I’ll admit that part of the problem is my own laziness & procrastination, but it is also undeniable that most gyms & health clubs really don’t have much to offer for folks in my situation. As far as sitting goes, well…what other choice do I have?? I guess I’d just say that it’s something I’m aware of but don’t dwell on or else I’d drive myself nuts.

I bet you get great parking.

Yeah, I guess. And that great parking space is totally worth all the other things I have to endure on a daily basis throughout my entire life!!

You’re too young to be in a wheelchair.

Well, I got my first wheelchair when I was about four years old, so nope…not accurate at all. But thanks…I think.

Do you have a license to drive that thing??

There are people in the world who erroneously believe they are funny, and this is one of the things those kinds of people like to say to my wheelchair-bound comrades. It stops being funny after one hears it for about the thousandth time. I’m not offended as a disabled person, but as a guy who prides himself on a keen sense of humor I just think people can do better.

Wow, I’d hate to be you.

Okay, that’s cool. To be honest sometimes I hate being me too lol.

You poor thing.

Oftentimes said with an accompanying “bless your heart”. People mean well, and most of the time they’re completely oblivious to how condescending they can be.

I can’t believe he’s married.

I’m not married, but I’d like to be…atleast I think I would. Any reservations I have about marriage have very little to do with my disability. Folks in wheelchairs do get hitched. It’s not like there’s some sort of law against it. I would like to think that if I’m ever blessed enough to find a wife it won’t be that unbelievable to anyone.

You don’t need that if you can walk.

In my particular situation I do need my wheelchair all the time. I cannot walk at all. However, there are people with health problems that may be able to walk occasionally and only use a wheelchair sometimes. I think the lesson here is to be careful when expressing opinions about something that you really know nothing about. Everyone’s situation is different, and it’s not up to anyone else to judge.

You’re dating?? Good for you.

I suppose it’s kind of the same deal as the married thing. Would I like to be dating someone?? Sure (especially nowadays), but I do have standards. And I’d hope that if/when I do find me a gal it won’t be shocking to anyone just because I’m disabled. Now, if you want to be surprised for other reasons that a woman would go out with me that may be a valid point.

Are you sure you can handle this job??

I’ve never had a potential employer ask me that in an interview, and my suspicion is that most would be too smart to do so. It’s much more likely that they’d just decide for themselves and not offer the job at all, with the disabled interviewee never knowing for sure why they didn’t get hired. Having said that, I’d like to believe that I wouldn’t apply for a job that I didn’t think I could handle, especially due to physical limitations. I’m not delusional…I am aware that there are some things that just aren’t possible for me to do, and I’m okay with that.

You have kids?? How’d you manage that??

At this point in my life it is highly unlikely that I’ll ever father children. If I do I assume I’ll do it the old-fashioned way. I haven’t done much research on the topic, but I suppose it may be more difficult for people with certain disabilities to have children, and I assume there are ways around those barriers. That’s kind of what we do…spend our lives encountering roadblocks and figuring out a way to circumvent them. The point being that if a handicapped person does have children they have obviously dealt with the issue in some way, and perhaps you don’t need to know the details.

I guess my life isn’t so bad after all.

Well gee…thanks. If you want to compare my life to yours and utter such a statement to yourself in relief then be my guest. But I cannot fathom anyone being so obtuse as to actually say it to a handicapped person’s face.

You’re this way for a reason. God doesn’t make mistakes.

Here we go. Okay okay…I do believe in the old adage that “God don’t make no junk”, and I think many of us occasionally ask ourselves why we are here and what purpose our life serves. That’s just human nature. However, ask a thousand disabled people if they’ve figured out why they’re forced to spend their lives with whatever malady they suffer from and I bet you’ll get very few who’ll say they understand the reason. That doesn’t mean that we curl up in the fetal position in a corner wailing “Why ME?!?!??” as if Tonya Harding came after us with a billy club, just that we suck it up and live our lives without dwelling on such matters.

I had to use a wheelchair once so I understand.

I get it. It’s cool that you’re trying to be empathetic, and I’m not going to be upset or call you out. I’ll just smile & nod politely as usual. But one thing my Dad has taught me for as long as I can remember is that no one…not even my closest family members…can truly understand things I deal with on a daily basis. What I’ve learned over the years though is that that is a universal truth that extends to everyone, regardless of whether they have a disability or not. No one’s life is perfect. Everybody has stuff that they’re struggling with. We all have problems, and we’re all just trying to do the best we can and be happy.

It’s so good to see you out & about!!

I’d love for someone to say that to me right now!! However, under normal (non-pandemic) circumstances a person’s astonishment that I actually left my house is somewhat patronizing.

Oh you got a degree & have a job?? Good for you. That must have been difficult.

Actually, college was pretty easy for me. I spent a large portion of it intoxicated and still graduated. And my current job is the easiest I’ve ever had. It’s funny how a short little phrase like “good for you” can oftentimes be so insulting. It’s usually a tone of voice thing, so just be aware of that.

Is someone here with you?? Why are you alone??

I spend most of my life alone, and generally I’m okay with that. I go out to eat alone. I go to the movies alone. I go shopping alone. Sometimes a buddy of mine goes out & about with me, and I think he’s under the impression that he’s helping me, but the truth is that I was likely going where I was going with or without him and my perspective is that I’m helping him by getting him out of our apartment building. Being independent has been very important to me throughout my adult life, and to the extent that I feel lonely it is only due to a need for intelligent conversation, shared joy, & friendly human interaction…not because I physically need someone to be with me to help me live my life.

Wheelchair Bingo…Part 1

When I was about ten years old I had a crush on a girl at school, but she wouldn’t talk to me so I asked a buddy of mine to find out the scoop. It turned out that this young lady was nervous to talk to me because I am in a wheelchair and she was afraid she’d say something to offend me. I made up my mind right there & then that I didn’t want to be the type of person who gets easily offended by anything, and I also decided to not let my disability be an elephant in the room that people are scared to acknowledge. It doesn’t define me, but it’s an unavoidable part of my existence. Nothing ever became of that grade school crush (I don’t even remember her name), but to this day I’m usually the first to crack a stupid self-deprecating joke. It’s kind of my thing. So when I ran across this meme a) I couldn’t help but chuckle a bit because they are so spot on, and b) I could not pass up an opportunity to address each statement individually because they are real things that people actually say or do. We’ve come a long way since I was a kid. When I started school it was automatically assumed that my physical disability also meant that I was mentally impaired, which wasn’t the case (actually I was “gifted”, although I’ve gotten dumber over the years). Having said that, there are still preconceived notions & common reactions, and I think it might be fun to dispel (or confirm) them in my own unique way.

Sorry, our building is not accessible…but we’ll figure out a way to get you in.

No…no you won’t. Look, I appreciate the effort, and to be honest accessibility isn’t nearly as much of an issue as it was decades ago. However, if a place isn’t accessible it just isn’t. Chances are I’ve done my homework and wouldn’t even attempt to gain entry to anyplace that’s not accessible, but in a situation where I haven’t cased the place properly we aren’t going to try to fit a square peg into a round hole. My wheelchair is quite expensive and I can’t afford to have it broken, and God forbid either myself or someone else is hurt trying to “figure out a way” to get me in.

Can you have sex??

Yes…yes I can. I’d like to have a lot more of it too!! Unfortunately the trifecta of fat, crippled, & economically challenged is a combo that doesn’t attract the ladies. On top of that, I’m at a point in my life where I’m looking for a bit more than just a casual fling, and I have fairly high standards. At any rate, more germane to the question, I’ll just say that I might not be the Jaguar you’ve always dreamed of taking for a test drive, but I am the reliable Honda Accord that’ll give you great mileage for many years.

I’m praying for you.

Well that’s fantastic. You can pray for me anytime. I believe in the power of prayer. But don’t just pray about my disability. I’ve got problems & inadequacies that are much more of an issue than being in a wheelchair.

Be positive…I know you’ll walk again.

Nope, not gonna happen. When I was little my Papaw sometimes talked about taking me to see one of those TV preachers (I believe it was Ernest Angeley in Akron, OH) so they could slap me in the face, I’d fall to the ground, and miraculously be able to walk. Don’t misunderstand…I believe in miracles…but I also believe that if it’s God’s will that I walk one day that’s fine, but at this point I’m not counting on it. That’s not me being negative…just realistic. I’m all about being positive (most of the time).

What happened to you?? Is it permanent??

That’s a great question, and one I do not mind answering one little bit, especially if it’ll break down barriers and lead to other topics of conversation and perhaps a solid friendship. My standard joke used to be that I was born in a wheelchair, which was very painful for my mother (lol). Occasionally I’ll tell people I was injured in an unfortunate accident of some sort (usually related to something being discussed at that moment). The truth is that I was born with a birth defect called spina bifida, which is essentially a hole in the spine. I am fortunate that mine was very low in the small of my back. An inch or two higher and I may have died or been in much worse shape than I am…an inch or so lower and I might have been able to walk. It is my understanding that spina bifida can be diagnosed in the womb nowadays, and oftentimes cured. I guess I was born just a few decades too early.

I’d rather be dead than in a wheelchair.

Well…okay. If that’s how you feel it’s your prerogative. Personally I am glad to be alive. My life may not be perfect, but it seems like an upgrade from being dead.

Can I sit on your lap??

Yes!! Absolutely!! IF you’re a fetching (preferably single) young lady and not a big burly dude.

You’re too pretty to be in a wheelchair.

I can honestly say that no one has ever said that to me. Okay okay…in all seriousness I know the statement is focused on young women, and I’m sure you ladies in wheelchairs have had people say it, which blows my mind. Disabilities don’t discriminate against ugly people. That’s not how it works.

Do you know (insert name)?? They’re in a wheelchair too.

Ha!! I live in a small town, and yes, this is a question that I’ve gotten. When I was in college the basketball arena & football stadium used to sit all the folks in wheelchairs together, and it was weird because I didn’t really know anybody. I just wanted to sit with my friends and I couldn’t. I’ve had well-meaning people try to fix me up with people in wheelchairs because the assumption was we’d have a lot in common. You know what they say about assuming. Look, I get it…there is some level of understanding amongst those that face similar challenges, but that doesn’t mean that all of us disabled folks hang out together and commiserate about how much our lives suck. Say it with me now…that’s not how this works.

I wish I had my own chair sometimes.

Trust me…no, you don’t. A nice recliner maybe, but not a wheelchair. For every one thing that looks like it’d be a positive, like being able to sit when everybody else is standing during a church service or the national anthem, there are a hundred other ways in which my life is made more difficult by having to use a wheelchair, and I wouldn’t flippantly wish that on anyone. Don’t misunderstand…that’s not meant to come off as some kind of whiny “poor me” thing…it’s just the truth.

*Grabs wheelchair & pushes without asking*

That doesn’t happen as often as it used to when I was younger, but when it does it’s usually by someone with the best of intentions, and I’ve learned to take a deep breath and react as politely as possible. We all need help sometimes, right?? If I’m out & about on a warm day and trying to make my way up a steeper than it looks incline I am not above accepting a push, but please ask first. Grabbing a person’s wheelchair without permission is akin to someone coming up & touching you inappropriately, like Joe Biden at a campaign rally. As mentioned, a wheelchair is an expensive & delicate piece of equipment, and I don’t need someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing ramming me into a wall or trying to get over a crack in the sidewalk like The Duke Boys avoiding Sheriff Roscoe. This is a little different with friends or family who have spent time with me and are familiar with when & how I may need assistance.

Do you need help??

I’ve really mellowed about this one over the years. My macho pride & need to be cool have lessened, and I admit there are occasions when a little bit of help is nice. However, I am much more likely to accept help from someone I know than a total stranger, which seems pretty logical in my mind. It always makes me feel weird when some sweet little old lady or a grey-haired gentlemen my father’s age asks me if I need help. I feel like I should be offering to help them!!

Have you heard about stem cell research??

Yes, although I don’t know enough about it to really have a deep conversation. Would it “cure” me? I don’t think so. Like I said…I was born a few decades too early.

But you don’t look sick. You look so normal.

Trust me…I’m far from normal lol. And thank you for saying I don’t look sick. I’ll take it as a compliment.

It must be nice not having to go to work.

Wrong!! I do in fact work for a living. I even have a college education. Could I sit at home & collect “rocking chair money” (as my grandfather used to call it)?? Yes. But I don’t want to do that. I haven’t been as professionally successful as I’d prefer or become as prosperous as I’d hoped, but I have no desire to sit at home and do nothing. Having said that, I know that there are people whose disability does prevent them from holding a job, and to opine that that circumstance “must be nice” is just asinine. Don’t be the kind of person who says something like that.

As always I strive for readability in everything I write here, so this seems like a good place to take a break. Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion…coming soon.

To My Mother on the 20th Anniversary of Her Departure

It’s all about soul. It’s all about joy that comes out of sorrow. The power of love and the power of healing. This life isn’t fair. It’s gonna get dark, it’s gonna get cold. You’ve got to be tough, but that ain’t enough. It’s all about soul. – Billy Joel

 

 

 

 

Several years ago I wrote a little ditty about Mother’s Day in which I provided some background on the holiday, spoke a bit about my own mother, and encouraged anyone fortunate enough to still have theirs around to visit or give her a call. However, in the years that I’ve been doing this thing that I do I don’t believe I’ve ever written exclusively about my Mom, and the twenty-year anniversary of her death seems like an appropriate time to change that. Don’t worry…I’m not going to get all sentimental & weepy. Well…not too much anyway. I don’t want to deify my mother or describe her in unrealistically glowing terms. Mom was a human being just like the rest of us, but she was my mother and I loved her.

 

My father has taught me many valuable lessons throughout my life, but two stand out. The first one being that even when a person might be really nice & sympathetic to “the poor little crippled boy” they’ve pretty much barely left the room before they forget all about me because people have their own problems. That has been huge for me. It made me understand that the world doesn’t owe me anything and that politeness, good manners, & empathy (all good things) are vastly different from true love, caring, & friendship. The second thing that Dad taught me was that…because of my disability and the tangential health issues that are part of the package (I’ve had over 30 surgeries in my lifetime)…my Mom did more for me in a single week than most mothers have to do for their kids in an entire year. She was 25 years old when I was born and already had a three-year old daughter, but dealing with a newborn who was paralyzed and faced an uncertain future had to be a daunting task. Thankfully there was plenty of familial support, but she was clearly my primary caregiver, and there are no words in existence to properly thank her for everything she did for me. I have always felt…for lack of a better way of expressing it…a sense of guilt because my parents were young adults in their mid-20’s with everything in front of them and then I came along and suddenly their whole world changed. The older I get the more I understand (or atleast try to) what that must have been like and I am so…humbled…by it.

 

I don’t know if anyone would have described Mom as tough before she got married and had kids, but certainly life toughened her up. Don’t misunderstand…she was kind, soft-spoken, & as down-to-earth as anyone, but when circumstances called for it she could open up a can o’ whoopass. Certainly she fought many battles for me in my childhood, from dealing with the medical establishment (always a fun chore) to opening the eyes of an education system who couldn’t wrap their heads around the idea that a physical handicap did not mean that I was also mentally impaired. I appreciate the fact that my mother wasn’t afraid to speak her mind or stand up for what’s right. My sister & I absolutely benefitted from parents who had standards…they expected us to be respectful, do good in school, & behave. We weren’t permitted to run around like entitled savages and were properly punished when we did act up, discipline that has undoubtedly made us better adults.

 

Sadly, just as my health had begun to stabilize and the school drama had gotten figured out Mom developed her own health issues. Her aging doctor (who probably should have been retired) kept telling her she had a cold, but she knew better. A new doctor took one look at her and diagnosed her with asthma. Over the next 19 years she had to go into the hospital semi-frequently for what she referred to as a tune-up, take breathing treatments multiple times each day, and consume numerous medications daily. In hindsight I recognize how her health deteriorated slowly, but in the moment I was just a kid, growing up into a teenager, going to school, and living what I considered to be a fairly normal life. I was away at college when Mom was diagnosed with cancer and had to have a lung removed. My mother never smoked a day in her life. Her father had issues with alcohol so she had no use for any of those kinds of proclivities…she was as straitlaced as they come. In our humanity we can’t help but ask “why” and search for logical explanations, but sometimes there are no conclusive answers. Five years after the lung was removed my mother was gone, and we found out after the fact that the cancer had returned. Sometimes we don’t see God’s blessings when they occur, but now I understand that Mom’s ending could have been much more horrific & painful if she had lingered as the cancer spread.

 

I will never forget looking into her eyes as she lay in the hospital hooked up to life support, visibly aware of what was happening to her but unable to speak and powerless to do anything about it. Those moments will haunt me for the rest of my life. I will never forget how it was a balmy 70 degrees on the day of her funeral…a rarity during February in this part of the country and an absolute blessing given the circumstances.

 

So now here we are two decades later. I’m just five years younger than Mom was when she died. I don’t know whether my life or the lives of my father, sister, & nephews would have turned out all that differently had she lived. My mistakes and my shortcomings are my own responsibility. However, I oftentimes think that she might have made a positive difference…either by gently guiding me in the right direction or by being the kind of stern parent to call me out on my foolishness. I learned a long time ago that both methods can be effective depending upon particular circumstances. Regardless, all I know is that there has been a void in my life for the past 20 years…a sense of loss from which I’ve never quite recovered. On the other hand, when I read or hear about situations in which small children or even teenagers lose their mother I realize that I was blessed to have mine until I was an adult.

 

Millions of people lose loved ones every day, often under tragic circumstances. My family isn’t unique or special in that regard. I’m a grown man with a job, bills, & responsibilities who no longer needs my Mommy to fight my battles, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss her. I’d do just about anything to have one more conversation with her, to be able to say a proper goodbye. However, life rarely works like that, right?? Mom had a saying: “give me my roses while I’m alive”. We appreciated all of the people that came to her funeral all those years ago, and there is no doubt that the cards, flowers, food, & words of comfort were meant with deepest sincerity, but while those things provide a notion of solace to the family they obviously don’t benefit the dearly departed. So give your friends & family their roses now. Call. Visit. Text. Hit them up on Messenger. Hug them. Thank them. Tell them you love them. The day will come when you can no longer do any of that, and the feeling of loss may diminish but never disappears.

 

Life moves forward. I oftentimes wonder how my mother would react to certain things. Would she think that “reality” TV is as stupid as I do?? What would she think of smartphones?? Would she give a rat’s petoot about social media?? I know she’d be proud of her two grandsons. They were little children when she passed and now they’re 20-somethings with lives of their own, complete with all of the requisite responsibilities & issues that come with adulthood. I wish she could have watched them grow up. I wish they could have had their grandmother as long as I had both of mine. I wish my parents could’ve grown old together and helped each other thru their “golden years”. I know I’m focusing on my mother at the moment, but my Dad is simply the best and I know he misses Mom as much as my sister & I do. He and two of his cousins all got married within several months of each other back in the day, and last year both of those cousins celebrated their 50th wedding anniversaries with surprise parties given by their children. It made me profoundly sad that Dad didn’t get the same opportunity.

 

I’m not sure I have a lyrical conclusion to all of this or even a cohesive point. I got up this morning and went to work. It was a typical, ordinary Sunday in most ways. I now work in the same hospital where I was born & my mother died. Well, it’s a different hospital but the same building, if that makes any sense. I couldn’t help but become a little bit emotional today, although I think I did a decent job of hiding it from those I encountered. I feel like it is important to mark the occasion. I don’t know if anyone else but me will ever read these words, and if anyone does they might get the impression that I’m a bundle of neuroses. So be it. The truth is that I’m doing okay. Thru all the ups & downs and all the hardships & victories I have felt the hand of God in my life. I am blessed beyond what I have any right to expect, and my first blessing was my mother.

 

 

 

Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies. The heart of her husband safely trusts her, so he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life. She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household. She extends her hand to the poor, she reaches out her hands to the needy. Strength and honor are her clothing. She shall rejoice in time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom and on her tongue is the law of kindness. She watches over the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed. Her husband also, and he praises her. Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised. (Proverbs 31)

Points of Ponderation…..Episode 1.20

A semi-regular attempt to address some of life’s minutiae that might otherwise be overlooked…..

 

 

 

 

By far one of my favorite traits in a human being is resilience. I dig the kind of people who have overcome obstacles and are able to put away their pain & sadness to show the world an irrepressible spirit with smiles & laughter. Sure they might be faking it much of the time, but they’re making an effort, and that’s beautiful. One of my favorite scenes is in the film Rocky Balboa when an aging Italian Stallion is talking to his son about such resilience. He makes the point that the world “will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it”, and that life “ain’t about how hard you hit…it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.” I admire anyone that gets back up when they get knocked down. It shows courage, toughness, & humility. That’s the kind of person I’ll be glad to call friend any day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was amused a few weeks back when perusing social media after President Trump’s State of the Union address and ran across a comment from a friend of a friend who opined that it was “one of the most poorly written speeches I’ve ever heard” and “his speechwriters should find a new job”. Now I’m the first to admit that Trump isn’t a gifted public speaker, but I also believe that no matter what one’s political opinions might be that SotU was objectively a home run. Was it a little gimmicky?? Perhaps. But to call it “poorly written” is a bad take from someone who I assumed was much smarter. I’m pretty sure that person is a hardcore liberal, the kind who actually believes Bernie Sanders is a legit choice to be President of the United States. That’s fine…it’s a free country & we can agree to disagree. And speaking of the State of the Union, I wasn’t all that offended by Speaker Pelosi acting like a belligerent toddler throughout the evening and tearing up President Trump’s speech at the end. It exposed what kind of person she really is, though sadly I have no doubt that the people in her district in California will re-elect her to an 18th term and she’ll get four more chances to hear a Trump SotU.

 

 

 

I don’t suffer from depression myself, but I do go thru the occasional valley, which can include feelings of loneliness & isolation. However, I think the point of this meme can be be expanded beyond all of that. It’s a tremendous dichotomy in our modern world where everyone is connected online and communication is easier than it ever has been that society is oftentimes non-communicative. It has been a source of frustration for me over the years that so many people who I’d really like to talk to & see more often rarely seem to reach out. My phone hardly rings. I spend most days & evenings alone when I’m not at work. Sometimes I don’t mind…but other times I do. I don’t feel like my ability to reach out has been muted…I’ve just made the conscious decision to not bother with those who don’t seem to notice my absence. 

 

 

 

I’m 47 years old & single, so my expertise about women is virtually nil, but I’d like to think I know a few things. An acquaintance of mine recently posted on social media that “I will never tell you my needs until I am desperate. You are expected to just know or you’re not the one for me because I want an intuitive man.” Okay…there’s a lot to unpack there. On one hand I do kinda sorta get it. When my sister was a teenager my mother used to become frustrated because she didn’t think she should have to tell my sister every little thing that needed done around the house or that she needed help with; Mom expected my sister to see what needed done & do it without being prodded. To some degree that is completely understandable. However, there is a thin line between intuitive & psychic. I’d like to think that I’d be the kind of attentive boyfriend/husband that would make a woman content and be able to anticipate her wants & needs. However, in the course of my life I have found direct communication to be…efficient. A person can’t always read your mind, no matter how well y’all know each other. I don’t care what kind of relationship is involved…romantic, professional, parental, friendship…forthright communication is best. I believe in most instances people are pleased by the result of such refreshing honesty. Certainly it seems like a better course of action than assumptions, guesswork, expectations, disappointment, & lingering bitterness based on misguided idealism.

Winning & Musing…Volume 1.20

Football is over (mostly). Pitchers & catchers have reported. March Madness is right around the corner, and before it arrives we’ll have the Daytona 500. We have a lot on our plate folks…it’s a veritable sport-asbord. Well okay…that’s probably not a word that’s going to become anything, so let’s just jump on in.

 

 

 

 

It’s been a couple of weeks since the Super Bowl. A few thoughts:

*Congrats to the Kansas City Chiefs. I thought they’d win their division, but I also assumed they’d fall short in the playoffs. Thankfully the New England Patriots FINALLY showed some chinks in their armor and the Chiefs were able to take advantage and take home their first Lombardi Trophy in a half century. Well done.

*As much as I like Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes he should not have won Super Bowl MVP. That award rightly belonged to RB Damien Williams, who averaged over 6 yards/carry and had a touchdown. I know how these things work…Mahomes was destined to be the MVP no matter what if his team won. That’s just how it is. It’s a better story. But let’s be honest…Mahomes didn’t really get things going until the 4th quarter. Williams was consistent the entire game.

*The only commercial that even registered with me was the Jeep ad featuring Bill Murray in a Groundhog Day spoof. Citizens of The Manoverse may recall that I adore Groundhog Day, and since the big game just so happened to take place on the “holiday” it was simply perfect.

*Unlike a lot of older church folk I was not overly offended by the halftime show featuring Shakira & Jennifer Lopez. It was just about what I expected. There are a ton of more musically gifted artists that the NFL could have booked for the gig, but that’s not what the halftime show is about. Occasionally the ideas of musicality & showmanship intersect…Paul McCartney (2005), Michael Jackson (1993), Bruno Mars (2014), Prince (2007)…but more often than not they are two separate concepts. People must realize that the NFL isn’t going to drag The Mormon Tabernacle Choir or The Gaither Vocal Band out onto the field to sing hymns for the Super Bowl halftime show.

 

 

I was never a big fan of Kobe Bryant during the two decades he played for the Los Angeles Lakers, and I was harsh on him when circumstances dictated. However, sports fans do tend to enjoy aging athletes going out on a high note even if we’ve cheered against them their entire career, and Kobe’s 60 point game in his NBA swan song a few years ago was epic. In retirement he had transformed into a doting Dad, and really, who could dislike that?? To call the helicopter crash that killed Kobe tragic seems like an understatement. Nine people lost their lives, including three teenage girls, with one of those being Bryant’s daughter Gigi. I don’t believe in deifying athletes, but I also understand that it is difficult for human beings to wrap our mind around such a heartbreaking catastrophe. It made me sad to learn that Bryant had a disagreement with his parents & siblings a few years ago and wasn’t on speaking terms with them at the time of his passing. I cannot even imagine the pain that his family, along with the loved ones of the others killed in the crash, must be going thru.

 

 

Congratulations to the LSU Tigers for winning their third national title since 2003 (all three coming under a different head coach). It seemed inevitable, especially in the latter part of the regular season, but getting past the Clemson Tigers in the championship game was no easy feat. Would the Ohio St. Buckeyes (who were upset by Clemson in the semifinal) have given the Bayou Bengals a tougher fight?? Perhaps, but it’s folly to speculate. LSU head coach Ed Orgeron has certainly paid his dues in the sport, seems like a genuinely decent man, and is a perfect fit in his home state of Louisiana.

 

 

Zach beat me in our bowl picks. He was 28-13, while I went 22-19. Picking Ohio State to win the national championship didn’t help my situation since they essentially lost two games for me. However, the good news for yours truly is that I did come out ahead in our season long Pigskin Picks of Profundity. I was 61-43, while Zach finished with a .500 record of 52-52. As always a big thank you to my nephew for playing our silly little game. It’s all in good fun. There’s no money involved. We’re just two football fans who enjoy a good challenge.

 

 

With pitchers & catchers having reported now seems like a good time to weigh in on the sign stealing scandal that cost three MLB managers…AJ Hinch (Houston Astros), Alex Cora (Boston Red Sox), & Carlos Beltran (New York Mets)…their jobs. Cora was a bench coach for the Astros a few years ago while Beltran was a player for the team. To say that the situation “rocked baseball” feels inaccurate, since MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred has taken very little action. Pete Rose was banned from baseball for betting on his own team (which obviously means he didn’t throw games), while the Astros won a World Series by blatantly cheating, yet none of those players are facing a ban and there’s no threat of their championship being stripped. Seriously?? Fay Vincent has got to be rolling over in his grave.

To TV or Not to TV??

Okay, so…y’all know I’m not above borrowing a concept I’ve seen on social media and putting my own special spin on it for The Manoverse. This time the inspiration comes not from Pinterest but from Facebook. A former co-worker of mine posted it, and basically one is supposed to just indicate which of these television shows we’ve seen more than ten episodes of with a lil heart emoji. That’s a cool idea, but I think I can improve upon it with pithy comments and my own unique wit. I don’t watch as much television as I used to, and this exercise not only proves that but shows exactly why. Enjoy.

 

 

 

My 600LB Life

I’ve been overweight my entire life. There are legit reasons for that (the main one being that I really like food), and so I sympathize with the struggle of others. But no…I have no desire to watch a reality show about the topic and be “entertained” by other peoples’ problems.

  

911

I don’t know…is this another reality show?? Does it follow first responders to 911 calls?? Or is it a fictional show built around such situations?? Either way, I am not entertained by such things.

  

13 Reasons Why

I remember hearing about the show. Something about teen suicide. No thanks. I’m not a teenager and have no teens in my family. If it’s a good show with an educational message that can positively impact the lives of young viewers that’s great, but it’s not for me.

 

 

A Million Little Things

Almost. I nearly got sucked into this ensemble drama because the ads had a very This Is Us kind of vibe and I am familiar with some in the cast. However, I chose not to become interested because I knew it’d be the kind of show that demands a heavy emotional commitment and that’s just not where I am in my life right now.

  

American Horror Story

Nah…horror just isn’t my thing.

  

Angel

Wasn’t it a spinoff from Buffy the Vampire Slayer?? I didn’t watch the first show, so no…I didn’t care about the spinoff.

 

 Bates Motel

I assume it is loosely based on Psycho?? Once again…not my cup o’ tea. I prefer to laugh.

  

Bitten

I have no idea. It’s either about snakes or vampires. Either way I have zero interest.

  

The Blacklist

I dig James Spader. He’s quirky…kind of a knockoff Jeff Goldblum. But spies & intrigue & the whole “let’s rip off Hannibal Lechter” vibe I got when previews of the show first aired a few years ago just don’t frost my cupcake.

 

 

Bloodline

No idea

 

 Blue Bloods

Tom Selleck is cool, but police procedurals rarely interest me and I’ve never watched a single episode.

  

Bones

I don’t even know what the show is about.

 

Breaking Bad

I see it constantly lauded as one of the best TV shows of the 21st century, but I never understood the popularity of a story about a high school chemistry teacher who becomes a drug dealer.

  

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Nope. Vampires. Zombies. Werewolves. I don’t find any of it the least bit interesting.

 

Californication

Wasn’t that a Red Hot Chili Peppers album??

  

Castle

No…just…no.

 

Castle Rock

I assume it is somehow connected to or inspired by Stephen King?? I don’t know. I’ve enjoyed some of King’s books, but have no interest in a TV show.

 

 

Catfish

I enjoy eating catfish, but knowing what the word means outside of that I don’t believe the show would interest me.

 

 Chicago Fire / Chicago Med / Chicago P.D.

I vaguely recall watching an episode or two of one of these shows…not sure which one. But again…medical dramas & police procedurals have never been something I enjoyed all that much.

  

Criminal Minds

Nope

  

Dexter

I’ve heard people say it’s a good show, but a serial killer?? I’m telling y’all…I need to laugh!!

  

Dr. Pimple Popper

Eww. Is it a medical thing?? A kiddie show?? I have no clue, and I don’t care to know.

 

 Dr Who

I have several friends who really dig Dr. Who, and it seems like the kind of nerdvana that I should be into. It is my understanding that there’s time travel involved, which is cool. But here’s the thing…the original incarnation of Dr. Who premiered a decade before I was even born, and it was a British show. By the time it was revived and available in America (16 years after it had originally ended) I already had preconceived notions and never even thought of checking it out. Don’t misunderstand…people can change and should be flexible. However, I think by the time we are in our 30s the die is cast as far as what kinds of entertainment…TV, music, books, movies…we tend to gravitate toward, and Dr. Who seems to have come along both too early and too late for me.

 

 

Empire

I hadn’t given a second thought to Empire until last year when that idiot actor was in the news for faking an attack on himself. That whole story makes me thrice as glad that I never watched.

  

ER

Once upon a time it was thought to be the best show on television. It launched George Clooney into superstardom and jumpstarted the careers of several others. But it’s a hospital drama, and I don’t do hospital shows. I did watch a handful of episodes in the course of the dozen seasons ER was on the air, and it was a well written program with a top notch cast, but it’s just not my thing.

  

Family Guy

There was a time in my life when Family Guy might have been right up my alley, but apparently by the time the show premiered in 1999 that time had passed. I’m probably missing out on something I’d enjoy, but it seems a bit late in the game to give a rat’s petoot now.

 

 

Friends

Yes yes yes…I loved Friends and still watch the occasional rerun. I am amused by things I read about how offensive Friends is to millennials. I suppose GenX wasn’t all that woke back in the day, and that’s fine by me. We know how to chill out & have some fun without getting offended by every damn thing.

 

 

Fuller House

Yes…I like Fuller House. There, I said it!! Is the acting bad & the storylines cheesy?? Sure. But that’s okay. Not everything has to be award-winning, ripped from the headlines, or deep & meaningful. Pointless fun is alright on occasion.

 

 

Game of Thrones

I tried to read the first book in the Game of Thrones series and made it less than ten pages before realizing that I’d rather take a nap, therefore I never even bothered with the television show.

 

 

 

Gossip Girl

Nah…cause I’m a dude.

 

 

Ghost Adventures

I just can’t get into anything ghost related. I don’t find it compelling entertainment.

 

 

Grey’s Anatomy

I actually did watch the first season…maybe two…of Grey’s Anatomy. It was good…and I’m sure it still is 15 years later. But I drifted away early on and just never got back into it.

 

 

Gilmore Girls

Nah…I don’t think I was the target demo for that show.

 

 

Glee

No, because I have taste. I always imagined Glee as kind of the love child of Cop Rock & Beverly Hills 90210.

 

 

Hart of Dixie

Never heard of it.

 

 

Hawaii Five-0

I assume we are talking about the reboot that premiered in 2010 and not the original that aired in the 1970’s. In that case, yes I watched the first season of the new show, but after that lost interest and have no idea what’s been happening the past 8 or 9 years.

 

 

 

House of Cards

Surprisingly enough, no…I’ve never seen a single episode. I don’t care what the PC Police say…Kevin Spacey is freakin’ brilliant, so I’m not sure why I never bothered with this particular show.

 

 

House

Nope. I’ve been told that I’d enjoy it. I’m not sure if that’s because the main character is loosely based on Sherlock Holmes (who I adore), or because he is a grumpy old curmudgeon (which I am too), but for some reason the show was recommended to me more than once. Unfortunately, my aversion to medical dramas is like a shield on a starship that’s only down every once in a great while.

 

 

How I Met Your Mother

Oh boy…where do I begin?? I LOVED HIMYM. It was right up there on par with Friends. I love a good mystery so I was highly invested, especially in the last few seasons. But then came one of the worst final episodes in television history. After finally meeting The Mother (portrayed by the enchanting Cristin Milioti) toward the end of the series we are given a quick fast forward with the highlights of Ted & Tracy’s relationship, ultimately finding out that in the “present” day of 2030 (when the framing device is set) The Mother is dead and Ted is ready to revisit his long dormant relationship with former flame Robin. Oh yes…Robin. HIMYM spent the last few seasons building up an unlikely romance & eventual marriage between Robin and lecherous Barney Stinson, only to throw it all away in a “blink & you’ll miss it” hot second in the finale. All the character growth that we experienced with Barney is flippantly discarded when Barney & Robin divorce and he embarks on a quest to sleep with 31 women in the space of a month, a plan that goes awry when the final conquest gets pregnant. Look, I’m a sucker for happy endings, but I also know that life doesn’t work like that. To some degree I almost understand what the show’s creators were going for. My father always says that death is part of life, so writing that aspect into the show would be understandable…except for the fact that HIMYM is a freakin’ half hour sitcom. We don’t need deep & meaningful. Just give us our damn happy ending…Ted & Tracy and Barney & Robin all live happily ever after. But nnnnooooooo…they couldn’t do that!! I swore in the immediate aftermath of the finale in 2014 that I would never watch a rerun of the show, and for six years I’ve kept that vow.

 

How to Get Away with Murder

Not the least bit interested.

 

I Zombie

Is that like an iPhone for dead people?? I don’t know.

 

 

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

I’ve read alot of comments about it thru the years, but have never given it a whirl. The cast looks top notch (I rather enjoy Danny DeVito’s work), but it’s just something I’ve never given a chance, probably to my detriment.

 

 

Law & Order SVU

Nope. I’ve never watched any of the Law & Order shows. I mean really…why the hell would I be entertained by a program with the word “victims” right in the title??

 

 

Lost Girl

I mean, I hope they find her…but no.

 

 

Making A Murderer

Our culture’s fascination with killing & death mystifies me.

 

 

Manifest

Isn’t that one of those Lost knockoffs that the network will lose patience with and cancel, leaving fans with no resolution?? No thanks. That’s one of the reasons I’m so hesitant to become invested in much on television nowadays.

 

 Mom

Sorry, but I just don’t understand how generational substance abuse can be sitcom fodder.

 

Nailed It

Is it one of those home improvement/renovation shows on HGTV?? I honestly don’t know.

 

NCIS / NCIS New Orleans / NCIS Los Angeles

Nope. Just like the Law & Order shows and the CSI shows the whole NCIS thing has never frosted my cupcake.

 

 

New Girl

I’d love to meet a new gal. Hell, I’d like to meet any gal (within acceptable parameters). But in real life…not on television.

 

Once Upon a Time

In a land far, far away…

I have no idea.

 

One Tree Hill

I was really into One Tree Hill for 2 or 3 seasons. It reminded me of Dawson’s Creek, which is meant as a compliment. Unfortunately, TV shows about high school students tend to grow stale when the characters graduate, and I have no idea what went on with the show in its last half dozen years.

 

 

Orange is the New Black

Women in prison. No thanks. And please don’t take that as a sexist remark. I have no interest in any kind of show centered around prison.

 

Ozark

Never heard of it.

 

Parenthood

In 1988 there was a film called Parenthood with an all-star cast…Steve Martin, Mary Steenburgen, Jason Robards, Keanu Reeves, Rick Moranis, & a very young Joaquin Phoenix, all directed by Ron Howard. It was a good flick that garnered two Academy Award nominations: Best Song (Randy Newman) and Best Supporting Actress (Dianne Wiest). In 1990 Parenthood was adapted for television with the same characters but a whole new cast, including David Arquette, Ed Begley Jr., Thora Birch, & a young Leonardo DiCaprio (portraying the character played by Phoenix in the film). That show only lasted for one season, which is a shame because it wasn’t bad. Then in 2010 NBC decided to revive the general concept of Parenthood, albeit with a whole new set of characters and a more 21st century angsty kind of vibe. I really liked the original film, and enjoyed the first TV show, but by the time the second show came about I was almost 40 years old and not all that entertained by angst anymore. I have enough anxiety & torment in my real life…I’m not amused by it in movies or on television. The cast (Craig T. Nelson, Bonnie Bedelia, Monica Potter, Peter Krause, Lauren Graham) was terrific, and I did watch a few episodes in the course of six seasons, but it was never something I was going to invest in completely.

 

Pretty Little Liars

I don’t think I’m the target demo, and that’s fine with me.

 

Reign

I have no clue. I’m guessing there are dragons, swords, & kings battling over…whatever it is that they battle over. Those kinds of stories can make interesting books, but they don’t seem to translate well to television.

 

Riverdale

On the surface a live action, soapy reimagining of the comics starring Archie, Veronica, Jughead, & Betty sounds intriguing, and perhaps if I’d known about it before its launch a few years ago I may have checked it out. Alas, I had no idea it existed for two years because it’s on The CW, and let’s be honest…most of us forget The CW exists because they do a terrible job of promoting their network and its TV shows. So now we are four seasons in and the ship has likely sailed.

 

Roseanne / The Conners

I didn’t care for the original incarnation of Roseanne back in the 90’s, and a couldn’t possibly care less about the reboot that launched a couple of years ago, despite the titular star bucking the Hollywood lockstep and “coming out” as a Trump supporter. I wasn’t going to get sucked into that tug-of-war. Like everyone else I had my opinions when Roseanne Barr was fired from her own show for a completely innocuous tweet, and that debacle just reinforced my lack of interest in the whole thing.

 

 

Santa Clarita Diet

I’ve battled weight issues my entire life, to the point that I’ve kind of given up. Diets just don’t seem to work for me. I’m almost certain that the show has zero to do with food or weight loss, but I have absolutely no desire to research what it is about, what channel it’s on, or who it stars.

Scandal

If I was going to get into a political soap opera I probably would have chosen House of Cards, but I chose neither. I think the truth is that The West Wing spoiled all political dramas for me because nothing can ever live up to that level of greatness.

 

Secret Life of the American Teenager

Okay…confession time. I actually watched this show for a bit during its first season in 2008. It’s from the same folks who’d created 7th Heaven, a show that I loved in the late 90’s thru its decade long run that ended shortly before Secret Life premiered. The two programs shared a similar vibe, and I was drawn in by the cast, which included 80’s Brat Pack queen Molly Ringwald (as a Mom!!). But I quickly lost interest somewhere in the midst of the second season.

 

Shameless

That was a really underrated song released by Billy Joel in the late 80’s, with a popular cover performed by Garth Brooks a few years later. Oh…it’s a television show too?? I had no idea.

 

 

Sons of Anarchy

That’d be an excellent name for a wrestling tag team. As far as the television show goes, I’ve never seen it and have no plans for that to change.

 

Stranger Things

I’ve heard good things. I had every intention of checking it out. But now, with the show preparing to release its fourth season, I am 24 hour long episodes behind and that just seems like too big of a mountain to climb at this point. Never say never though…maybe I’ll get into it long after it’s over, which isn’t my normal modus operandi.

 

Station 19

I have no idea.

 

South Park

I gave South Park a whirl back in the day, believing it to be a worthy heir to the throne abdicated by Beavis & Butt-Head. I suppose my entertainment palate matured just a bit in those years, so I quickly lost interest.

 

Supernatural

I used to believe I was a sci-fi fan, but I’ve come to realize that I am very selective about the kind of sci-fi in which I invest my time, and Supernatural just didn’t make the cut.

 

Teen Mom

Call me old-fashioned, but I just don’t believe that teenage pregnancy is appropriate fodder for reality television. I am not a fan of reality TV in the first place, and shows like this are among the worst offenders. I don’t understand people who are entertained by the very real & difficult circumstances of others.

 

The 100

100 what?? I need more information.

 

The Tudors

The only Tudors I care about is Tudor’s Biscuit World, home of The Thundering Herd, a delicious breakfast biscuit with scrambled egg, cheese, sausage, & a hash brown.

 

 

The Big Bang Theory

Yes, yes, yes!! I LOVED The Big Bang Theory. I faithfully watched new episodes for a dozen seasons on CBS, and for the past several years reruns on TBS a few nights a week for 2 or 3 hours at a time helped fill some lonely nights for me. I was sad when CBS cancelled the show, but if I’m being honest the quality of the writing had dipped noticeably in the final few seasons. The finale was well done, and surprisingly I haven’t been all that interested in the TBS reruns since last spring.

 

The Fosters

Is it on Freeform?? I believe it’s on Freeform, and for me Freeform is a place to watch old movies, especially during the Christmas season. It is not a channel I click on for original programming.

 

The Good Doctor

Okay…so he’s a doctor, but he’s autistic. That’s nice. But it’s yet another medical drama, and I just can’t do it. I nearly gave it a shot only because of the presence of Richard Schiff in the cast. Back in the day Schiff brilliantly portrayed Toby Ziegler on The West Wing, and I loved that show. But at the end of the day I decided to leave the memories alone and pass on The Good Doctor.

 

 

The Handmaid’s Tale

I know very little about the show, but from what I’ve been able to glean it seems like kind of a downer, the kind of thing that critics fawn all over and awards shows shower with praise, but regular folks in flyover country just don’t see the big deal.

 

The Last Kingdom

I have no idea.

 

The Office

I’m way late to the party on this one. First, I have to explain something. I grew up in the 70’s & 80’s, a high water era for multi-camera sitcoms, which is the more traditional format. In the past decade we’ve seen the rise of single camera sitcoms, meaning there is no live audience or laugh track. Since I came of age with multi-cams as the norm that’s what I’m used to. I need a live audience and/or a laugh track. I have had a difficult time adjusting to single camera sitcoms and oftentimes reject such programs right out of the box. Perhaps I need to be a bit more flexible, but I’m just being honest about my experience up until now. It is for these reasons that I never even gave The Office a second thought when it premiered in 2005. I adore the 1999 cult film Office Space, so The Office would seem to be right in my wheelhouse, but I never gave it a chance. However, a few things happened in the ensuing years. Steve Carell became a movie star in films that I rather enjoy. Other stars of The Office went on to have solid careers in movies & television…folks like Jenna Fischer, Ed Helms, & John Krasinski. Internet memes became a thing, many of them featuring characters from The Office. Friends & family began making references related to the show. And now…finally…nearly seven years after it ended its run on NBC, I have begun watching reruns on Netflix.

 

The Originals

Original what?? I don’t know, and it shall remain a mystery.

 

The Simpsons

I may have missed the boat on The Simpsons. I was 17 years old & in my senior year of high school when it premiered in 1989. Perhaps I thought I was too cool for an animated show. Maybe there was something else in that time slot that I preferred to watch (this was way before DVR). I don’t recall exactly why I never got into The Simpsons, but at some point, as I heard more & more about its sardonic humor and funny characters, I began to realize that maybe I’d misjudged it. However, by that time it was way too late. I’m the kind of person who is either all in from the very beginning or not in at all. I may lose interest in a show a few years into its run, but rarely do I begin watching something that I’ve already missed multiple seasons of. I also don’t think that anyone would have ever predicted that The Simpsons would still be going three decades later, which is another reason why I feel like I may have missed out on something I might have liked.

 

 

The Sinner

I am assuming it’s either preachy or dark or both. Either way I’m not interested.

 

The Vampire Diaries

Vampires?? Nope.

 

The Walking Dead

Zombies?? No thanks. I realize that a lot of folks are really into it, but I’m not nor ever will be one of them.

 

The Witcher

Never heard of it.

 

This Is Us

Once upon a time I adored This Is Us. For the first two seasons I was glued to my television every Tuesday night. The mystery of when & how Jack Pearson died was riveting. The show was well-written with a top notch cast. I’ve had a Mandy Moore fetish for many years. Back in the day my friend Stacy would call me whenever A Walk to Remember was on television and I was usually already watching it. At any rate, something happened in the fall of 2018. This Is Us began a story arc about Jack’s tour of duty in Vietnam, and I decided to change the channel to WWE Smackdown. I DVRed This Is Us and told myself I’d catch up eventually, but before long I had about a dozen episodes recorded and knew I wasn’t going to invest that much time in getting up to speed, so I just decided I was no longer interested in the show. Perhaps someday I’ll revisit it.

 

True Blood

Vampires?? No.

 

True Detective

Nah. I’ve got a few friends who are really into this new wave of true crime, but it’s never interested me.

 

Twilight Zone

The original was way before my time. There have been a few revivals I believe, but I’ve just never been into giving any of them a whirl.

 

 

Two Broke Girls

I tried. I wanted to like it, but the humor was just so crude & sophomoric and the characters poorly constructed. I’m stunned that the show lasted six seasons.

 

Vikings

You mean the Minnesota Vikings?? Those are the only Vikings with which I am familiar.

 

The Ranch

The only reason I’ve even heard of it is because it stars Ashton Kutcher. However, I have no clue what the show is about, when it airs, or on what channel I could find it. And I couldn’t possibly care less.

  

Flip or Flop

I actually enjoy the occasional home renovation program, usually on HGTV (I especially like The Property Brothers). However, I don’t think I’ve ever watched Flip or Flop. I believe it’s the one where the hosts were married and now they are divorced, which seems like way too much drama for a fix-up show.

 

The Rookie

It’s a cop show, right?? Nah, not my thing.

 

 

Deputy

I’ve seen ads for it, but have no interest.