The Rocco Chronicles…..Chapter 3

Back in 2011, when Rocco wasn’t yet three years old, I made the decision to dedicate a page here at The Manofesto exclusively to him. However, like so many ideas that have sparked over the years I failed to follow thru. That’s been one of my weaknesses in life…I procrastinate, become lazy, and don’t follow-up on things like I should.

 

Having said that, I do seem to recall that there was some kind of internal logic about my decision to scrap The Rocco Chronicles. I remember watching one of those infotainment shows…maybe Inside Edition…when they did a feature about an adrenaline junkie and his pug. The guy took the dog skydiving & surfing, among other things. I looked at Rocco and said “Sorry dude…Daddy’s just not that exciting.” And that was eight years ago. I’m even more boring now. I felt bad for Rocco; here was this other dog jumping out of airplanes & hanging ten, meanwhile my boy was doomed to a life of watching TV & living with me.

 

The other reason I didn’t go forward with The Rocco Chronicles (and this boggles my mind at the moment) is that I decided I just wanted to be in the moment & enjoy Rocco, not constantly be mining his life for content. At the time I didn’t think there was much about our life worthy of writing about anyway. Looking back I now realize how wrong I was. Don’t misunderstand…I’m not wrong about how uninteresting my particular lifestyle is, and to be honest I’m okay with that. However, despite never having gone on any extreme adventures Rocco is one of the most fascinating creatures I’ve ever known, and I probably could have written dozens of chapters about him.

 

I didn’t write those chapters though, and at this moment I deeply regret that misguided decision.

 

A few days ago I lost Rocco. He’s gone.

 

In October 2009, when Rocco was a little over a year old, we watched alleged “comedy” Marley & Me starring Owen Wilson & Jennifer Aniston. I question its credentials as a comedy for one key reason, and anyone who has seen the movie knows what I’m talking about. As I held Rocco while watching that movie I wept. I hadn’t cried like that since my mother had passed nine years earlier. Little did I know that someday I’d be living the exact circumstances played out in the film. Or perhaps down deep inside I did know and was upset because the realization was something I’d not pondered until that moment. At any rate, to paraphrase Forrest Gump, Rocco had got the cancer and died on a Tuesday.

 

I am fortunate enough…given the situation…that I have a job in which I work weekends and am off during the week. I’ve been a mess the past few days. Not that Rocco was all that noisy or rambunctious, but The Bachelor Palace is way too quiet & lonely without him. I realize that my deep sense of loss may seem silly to some. It’s just a dog, right?? All I can say is that anyone who holds that opinion has never had a pet. I feel so lost right now.

 

I had always assumed that after Rocco I’d almost certainly want another dog. On one level that is still true. While Rocco can never be replaced I would very much like to have another little one to take care of, talk to, & love on. Rocco gave me a purpose, a reason to get out of bed in the morning. When I was in the hospital for several weeks this past summer he was my motivation to get well & come home. There were times when I was out & about running errands and I just wanted to get home to Rocco. Now?? I don’t even want to be here. It’s no longer a home, just a roof over my head. Having said that, my circumstances have changed a bit over the years. I have to give a huge thank you to my sister, who took care of Rocco back in 2015 when I was in the hospital for a couple of months, and my neighbors Sammie & Bernie, who looked after him when I was gone in the summer. However, can I count on being that fortunate in the future?? Taking care of Rocco on a daily basis…feeding him, cleaning up after him, giving him lovins’…was never a problem, but I do have limitations and I’m not sure about bringing another dog into my life. I have decided to not actively seek another pet, but if God decides that it’d be a good idea I am open to considering it.

 

I anticipate an imminent return to regular programming. I have to get up and go to work in the morning. I have plans Saturday night. Life moves forward. I hope the tears stop soon. I want to be able to smile when thinking about Rocco, not be profoundly sad. Perhaps I will feel the urge to write more about him in the future. I’m not quite sure about anything right now.

 

 

 

 

2019 Pigskin Picks of Profundity…Week 9

I thought I might be distracted tonight by The World Series, but the game is pretty much over in the 7th inning, so it’s on to football. Zach (3-2) bested me (1-4) last weekend and has drawn closer to a .500 record and the season lead. Injuries in the NFL have wreaked havoc on my fantasy teams thus far, so I must admit to waning enthusiasm. Thankfully these picks help me maintain a certain level of interest.

My Season:        27-22

Zach’s Season:  24-25

 

 

 

 

 

 

USC (-13)                     at                         Colorado

I had high hopes for the Trojans, but injuries wrecked any shot they had at playoff contention. However, at 4-3 they still have a decent opportunity to get into the conference title game. Conversely, the Buffs are on a three game losing streak and the schedule looks to be rough the rest of the way. Their goal has to be bowl eligibility at this point, and I’m not sure I’d bet on that happening. Can Colorado muster enough home field mojo to atleast cover the points?? I don’t think so. Conversely, Zach sees USC as inconsistent and does believe Colorado can keep things close in a high scoring game.

My Pick:     Southern Cal

Z’s Pick:     Colorado

 

 

 

Auburn                        at                         LSU (-10)

The Bayou Bengals have visions of a conference championship and a playoff berth on their minds. They’re undefeated and have a huge home field advantage. Will they be looking ahead to a date with Alabama in Tuscaloosa?? I suppose it’s possible, but they do have a bye next week so it shouldn’t be as big of an issue as it could be. Auburn is a dangerous Top Ten foe, but it seems like a lot of folks have jumped off that bandwagon after they lost at Florida a couple of weeks ago. I expect a really fun game, and I think LSU will get the victory…however I believe it will be a single digit win. Zach understands the possibility of this being a trap game for LSU, but can’t ignore the excellence of QB Joe Burrow & the dominating defense.

My Pick:     Auburn

Z’s Pick:     LSU

 

 

 

 

Notre Dame                          at                         Michigan (-1)

The Disney TV folks were probably hoping that this would be the big matchup of the week, but the luster has been diminished just a bit. The Irish are somehow in the Top Ten, but the truth is they haven’t played a tough schedule outside of a loss to Georgia. The Wolverines have lost two games, the latest just a week ago to Penn St. Rumors of Jim Harbaugh bolting for the NFL have already begun. So basically this game is going to save one of these teams’ season. Another loss might knock Michigan completely out of the rankings, while Notre Dame losing would open up the floodgates of the talking heads accusing them of being overrated. I have no idea what to expect, but when in doubt I tend to ride with the home team. Zach was heartbroken by Michigan’s loss to Penn St., but recognized some positives. Having said that, he’s going with the old “expect the worst” philosophy, which is probably smart.

My Pick:     Michigan

Z’s Pick:     Notre Dame

 

 

 

 

Wisconsin                            at                         Ohio State (-14)

A week ago this game was going to be epic. It still could be, but thanks to an upset by Illinois that no one saw coming more people have jumped off the Badger bandwagon than the folks that have ditched Auburn. In the legendary words of Ferris Bueller…”life moves pretty fast”. Having said that, there’s still a lot at stake here. The Buckeyes are eyeing a playoff spot, and both teams could meet again in the conference title game. There are a couple of things to consider. First, The Horseshoe in Columbus is a rather significant home field advantage for Ohio St. Secondly, even if one concedes that the home team deserves to be favored those points are…attention grabbing. Was the Illinois game just an anomaly…or did it expose Wisconsin as a fraud?? Is Ohio St. really a Top 5 team, or should we be talking about their relatively weak schedule?? I envision a low-scoring game (the over/under is 50 and I’d take the under)…defense, special teams, field position, ground & pound. The Vibes tell me Ohio St. wins, but not by 14 points. Zach reluctantly admits that the Buckeyes look scary good right now and thinks they’d definitely make the playoff if it began now. However, he leans toward last week being a glitch and looks for Wisconsin to rebound strong.

My Pick:     Wisconsin

Z’s Pick:     Wisconsin

 

 

 

Carolina                       at                  San Francisco (-5)

The 49ers are undefeated y’all!! It’s been awhile since they had a good football team in ‘Frisco, but anyone who’s been following Jimmy G. isn’t all that shocked. Conversely, the Panthers’ are being led by backup QB Kyle Allen since the injury bug has bitten Cam Newton. That’s not a bad thing though…Carolina is 4-2 and RB Christian McCaffrey is a legit MVP candidate. This is going to be a fun game to watch, and my sense is that turnovers will play a key role. I’m pulling the trigger on an upset because no one goes unbeaten in the NFL and ‘Frisco will eventually win their division easily anyway. Conversely, Zach has no hesitation in predicting a big Niners win.

My Pick:     Carolina

Z’s Pick:     San Francisco

2019 Pigskin Picks of Profundity…Week 8

It is weekends like this when I really feel the need to look for a different job. There is so much action I’m going to miss. Of course there’s also the fact that I haven’t been able to go to church in over a year, but that’s a whole other story. Y’all are here for football, right?? A week ago Zach & I both went 5-3, which is pretty good for us. I understand that much of the attention in the sports world is focused on the impending World Series, but luckily for The Manoverse I can multitask. There are some big games that we are ignoring this week (atleast in this space) for various reasons, but I think we have cobbled together a worthy lineup. Enjoy.

My Season:        26-18

Zach’s Season:  21-23

 

 

 

 

 

TCU (-3)                       at                         Kansas State

The talking heads like to promote the Big Ten & SEC, and credit where it is due…those two conferences are a lot of fun. But let’s not totally overlook the Big 12. At the moment 9 out of 10 teams have a winning or even record, and the games are usually exciting to watch. Both the Horned Frogs and the Wildcats are 3-2. Both are trying to rebound from a loss. Both had a bye last week. It’s interesting that TCU is the favorite, but I’m going to disagree with the oddsmakers and believe that the home field will make a difference. Conversely, Zach likes TCU’s offense better & thinks they’ll get the job done.

My Pick:     Kansas St.

Z’s Pick:     TCU

 

 

Baylor                          at                         Oklahoma State (-3)

More Big 12. Sorry…deal with it. The Bears are undefeated, lead the conference, & got a big double OT victory over Texas Tech a week ago. The Cowboys are coming off a bye week and trying to rebound from a loss to the aforementioned Red Raiders. Baylor is good, but I have to once again lean in the general direction of the home favorites. Zach believes Baylor’s offense is too fast for OK St. to keep up.

My Pick:     Oklahoma St.

Z’s Pick:     Baylor

 

 

 

Boise State (-6)                    at                         BYU

The Broncos are who we thought they were…undefeated and in the Top 15. They haven’t got a prayer of being a playoff team, but winning their conference and playing in a New Year’s bowl game is a nice consolation prize. The Cougars are 2-4 and might not play in any kind of post-season game. This the exactly the kind of late night matchup that I used to look forward to, but instead I’ll be asleep before kickoff because I have to get up so damn early on Sunday morning. At any rate, BYU may not get blown out on their home field, but neither do I expect them to win and the six points seems more than manageable for Boise. Zach likes Boise in a rather mundane defensive struggle.

My Pick:     Boise St.

Z’s Pick:     Boise St.

 

 

 

Miami                           at                         Buffalo (-17)

Yes ladies & gentlemen…it’s true, the Buffalo Bills look like they might actually be a good football team. I don’t know if they’ll make the playoffs (they’re not winning the division), but we’ll let the good folks in upstate New York enjoy their moment. Conversely, the Dolphins may or may not be tanking to secure the #1 overall pick in next year’s draft so they can snag Alabama QB Tua Tagovailoa, but either way they are winless and I don’t think Ryan Fitzpatrick nor Josh Rosen can save them. The points make me a little nervous, but this is the perfect opportunity to make a statement and prove they’re for real, so I’m going to ride with Buffalo. Zach believes Miami might have enough FitzMagic to atleast cover the points.

My Pick:     Buffalo

Z’s Pick:     Miami

 

 

 

Arizona                        at                         NY Giants (-3)

We knew this was going to be a learning curve season for the Cardinals with a rookie head coach & a rookie QB. All things considered they haven’t fared that badly and the folks in Arizona have reason to be somewhat encouraged. The new norm for the Giants is rookie quarterback Daniel Jones at the helm, and even though the initial excitement has dissipated he too has shown that the future doesn’t have to be bleak for the G-Men. It’ll be interesting to watch the growth & evolution of these two young signal callers in the next few years, but for now I expect a sloppy game with lots of turnovers & mistakes. Defense will win the day, and I think the return of RB Saquon Barkley is enough to secure the home team a close victory. Conversely, Zach foresees a big game from Kyler Murray and an upset for the Cards.

My Pick:     NY Giants

Z’s Pick:     Arizona

100 Memorable Movie Characters…Part 2

“Movies touch our hearts, awaken our vision, and change the way we see things. They take us to other places…open doors & minds. Movies are the memories of our lifetime.”  –  Martin Scorsese

 

 

 

We’re going to forego a verbose preamble today and jump right into the fray. If you have not read Part 1 please go back and do so at your leisure. As always I appreciate everyone who stops by to read the things that are written here, and your feedback is welcome.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

90           Ma & Pa Kettle (various films)

Ma & Pa Kettle starred in ten films from 1947-57. They are simple country bumpkins raising their brood of 16 kids on the family farm, and the movies put them into various fish-out-of-water scenarios like trips to New York, Hawaii, & Paris, as well as winning a “house of the future” in a contest. I seem to recall that the Kettle films were shown on Saturday morning television with some frequency during my childhood. That was way before channels like TCM & AMC, so I assume it had to be a local syndication type of deal. I also have a vague recollection that it was my Dad who enjoyed watching Ma & Pa Kettle and introduced me to the movies.

 

Quotes

“It may be a good day for you, but it ain’t for Pa. All the poor man wanted was a new tobacco pouch and instead he won a house he didn’t want and he got a bad sunburn.” (Ma)

“You do all the barkin’, but it’s me that’s always in the doghouse.” (Pa)

“You mean, Pa & Me’s got to support all our kids and the government too?” (Ma)

“Pa, you’re lazier than that old hound dog we used to have.” “Which one?” “The one that used to lean against the wall when she barked.”

 

 

 

89           Thelma Dickinson & Louise Sawyer (Thelma & Louise)

Full disclosure…I believe I’ve only watched Thelma & Louise once, but that was enough. The duo are southern ladies taking a girls’ trip to escape from their mundane existence, but things go awry when a drunken rabble-rouser tries to rape Thelma and Louise kills him. Of course we all know that in TV & movies no one ever does the smart thing by calling the police…instead they get spooked & go on the run, which is the foundation for the adventure that follows. Nearly three decades later many of us still refer to mischievous gal pals as Thelma & Louise.

 

Quotes

“You said you ‘n’ me was gonna get out of town and for once just really let our hair down. Well darlin’, look out ’cause my hair is comin’ down!” (Thelma)

“You get what you settle for.” (Louise)

“He kinda prides himself on being infantile.” (Thelma)

“Good morning everybody, this is a robbery. Now if nobody loses their head, nobody will lose their head. Simon says everybody lay down on the floor, right away, right away, except you sir. You’ll have a story to tell your friends, that or a tag on your toe, it’s your decision.” (Thelma)

“I feel really awake. I don’t recall ever feeling this awake. You know? Everything looks different now. You feel like that? You feel like you got something to live for now?” (Thelma)

 

 

 

88           Raymond Babbitt (Rain Man)

I’m not sure anyone in history has done more to promote awareness of autism than Raymond Babbitt. Dustin Hoffman won his second Academy Award for Best Actor for his portrayal of Raymond, a savant whose deceased father left him millions that his scheming brother is trying to get from him. It is rare for Tom Cruise to be outshined in any film, but Raymond’s charming blend of pathos, humor, & vulnerability does the trick.

 

Quotes

“I’m an excellent driver.”

“13 minutes to Judge Wapner and The People’s Court.”

“K-mart sucks.”

 

 

 

87           Dr. Frank N. Furter (The Rocky Horror Picture Show)

Some films have broad appeal, and I assume that is what the powers-that-be are going for most of the time. However, there is no shortage of movies that are focused on a rather specific target audience. I haven’t seen The Rocky Horror Picture Show since I was in college, sitting out in a field late at night throwing rice & toilet paper at the screen, but that’s okay since it is exactly the kind of weird, drunken, relatively innocuous, & completely stupid experience one should have at 19, because if that’s how you spend your weekend when your 35 or 50 it becomes a bit disturbing. Dr. Furter describes himself as a “sweet transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvania”, which seems like a fitting description. Unforgettable name?? Check. Unique outfit?? Check. Quirky as all get-out?? You bet. Actor Tim Curry has been nominated for Tony Awards, starred in films like The Hunt for Red OctoberHome Alone 2: Lost in New York, and portrayed Pennywise in the TV miniseries of Stephen King’s It, but he will most likely always be remembered as Dr. Frank N. Furter.

 

Quotes

“Tonight, my unconventional conventionalists, you are about to witness a new breakthrough in biochemical research, and paradise is to be mine!”

“Don’t be upset…it was a mercy killing. He had a certain naïve charm, but no muscle.”

 

 

 

 

86           Mick “Crocodile” Dundee (Crocodile Dundee)

Let’s face it…the only reason any of us in the good ol’ USA has ever requested for someone to “throw another shrimp on the barbie” is because Crocodile Dundee taught us what that means in 1986. Outback Steakhouse was created in Tampa, FL two years after the film’s release in hopes of capitalizing on America’s newfound fascination with Australia. Two Dundee sequels were produced, but neither had the magic of the original, a classic fish-out-of-water tale featuring a most unconventional protagonist.

 

Quotes

“Get on the right side of the road you pelican!”

“That’s not a knife…THAT’S a knife.”

“Well, you see, Aborigines don’t own the land…they belong to it. It’s like their mother. See those rocks? Been standing there for 600 million years…still be there when you & I are gone. So arguing over who owns them is like two fleas arguing over who owns the dog they live on.”

“Imagine seven million people all wanting to live together. New York must be the friendliest place on earth.”

 

 

 

85           Tommy DeVito (Goodfellas)

Not too long ago I saw a poll on Facebook asking about the best mob movie and was stunned when Goodfellas beat out The Godfather, because in my humble opinion The Godfather cannot be touched. Having said that, it is a rather unfair comparison. The Godfather is an Shakespearean fantasy with lots of Hollywood style & polish, whereas Goodfellas is more raw & down-to-earth. Inasmuch as The Mafia still exists in modern America I assume Goodfellas is probably a more accurate portrayal, but for me that doesn’t necessarily equal entertainment value. It’s kind of the same thing as people who fawn all over Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight trilogy because of its gritty realism, while I lean toward the escapism of the Burton/Schumacher Batman flicks from the late 80’s/early 90’s. At any rate, actor Joe Pesci had done Raging Bull in 1980 and added some life to the Lethal Weapon franchise in 1989 so Goodfellas wasn’t his first rodeo, but Tommy DeVito has become one of his defining roles (we’ll get to another a bit later). DeVito is loosely based on real life gangster “Two Gun Tommy” DiSimone, a NY City gangster who “disappeared” in January 1979. Two Gun Tommy was much younger, not to mention physically bigger & stronger, than the diminutive, middle-aged, fast-talking tough guy depicted in the film, but other mobsters have said that Pesci’s portrayal…for which he won the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor…is otherwise fairly accurate.

 

Quotes

“What do you mean I’m funny? What do you mean? You mean the way I talk? What? You mean, let me understand this, ’cause, ya know maybe it’s me, I’m a little fucked up maybe, but I’m funny how? I mean funny like I’m a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh, I’m here to fuckin’ amuse you? What do you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny?”

 

 

 

84           Larry Talbot (The Wolf Man)

Y’all know that I’m not a horror movie fan, but for some reason I love the old Universal monsters from the 1930’s & 40’s. Talbot is a mild-mannered man who returns to Wales after two decades in America to reconcile with his estranged father. He is bitten by a werewolf while trying to rescue a damsel in distress, and thereafter becomes a werewolf himself. After committing a series of murders he is eventually bludgeoned to death by his own father, who doesn’t realize The Wolf Man is his son. Lon Chaney Jr.’s portrayal of Talbot as quiet & reserved and emotionally tortured by his infirmity is the perfect contrast to the ferocity of the beast.

 

Quotes

“You think I don’t know the difference between a wolf and a man? You’re insane! I tell you, I killed a wolf! A plain, ordinary wolf! Don’t try to make me believe that I killed a man when I know that I killed a wolf!”

 

 

 

 

83           Tony Montana (Scarface)

I don’t rate Scarface as highly as some simply because I tend not to like movies about crime & drugs…it’s just not my kind of entertainment. Having said that, there’s no denying that Tony Montana is a memorable character. Tony arrives in Miami from Cuba and starts his new life as a dishwasher. A few years later he is a wealthy drug lord with an unhealthy cocaine addiction. As is the case with such characters there is a lot of bloodshed, ultimately ending (spoiler alert) with Tony face down in a fountain after having been shot in the back by a rival’s henchman. Critics like to attach meaning to films like Scarface, seeing it as some sort of allegory about rising & falling, the excesses of the American Dream, or a commentary on criminal avarice, but I prefer to learn such lessons without all the violence & profanity. Italian-American Pacino seems like an odd choice to portray a Cuban, and I’m not sure that would fly in our newly woke culture just a few decades later. Interestingly, Robert DeNiro was the first choice for the role of Tony Montana but he declined the opportunity.

 

Quotes

“This is paradise. This is paradise, I’m tellin’ you. I shoulda come here 10 years ago. I’d have been a millionaire by this time. By this time, I’d have had my own boat, my own car, my own golf course.”

“Me, I always tell the truth…even when I lie. So say good night to the bad guy! Come on. The last time you gonna see a bad guy like this again, let me tell you. Come on. Make way for the bad guy. There’s a bad guy comin’ through! Better get outta his way!”

“This country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the woman.”

“Okay, you little cockroaches… come on! You wanna play games? Okay, I can play with you. Come on! Okay, you wanna play rough?!?!??  Okay! SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!”

 

 

 

82           Deputy U.S. Marshal Sam Gerard (The Fugitive)

Other than its love of sequels the other way that Hollywood plays it safe by not being particularly innovative is to recycle old television shows and bring them…or atleast the central premise…to the big screen, with the results being decidedly mixed. The Dukes of Hazzard, Leave it to Beaver, & The Wild Wild West weren’t good movies, while The Addams Family, The Brady Bunch, & Charlie’s Angels were decent enough. One of the best movie adaptations of a TV show is The Fugitive, with Harrison Ford portraying erroneously convicted Dr. Richard Kimble. While the television show had Dr. Kimble doggedly pursued across the country by local police Lt. Philip Gerard, the film kicks it up a notch by making the hunter no nonsense U.S Marshal Sam Gerard, although the quest is essentially limited to Chicago. Tommy Lee Jones won the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor for his role as Gerard, and became the focus of the story in a much inferior sequel a few years later. In the movie neither Kimble nor Gerard resemble the television characters they are based on all that much, but in this case the adaptation is actually better than the original.

 

Quotes

“Let that be a lesson to you, boys & girls. Don’t ever argue with the Big Dog, because the Big Dog is always right.”

“Listen up, ladies & gentlemen! Our fugitive has been on the run for 90 minutes. Average foot speed over uneven ground barring injuries is 4 miles per hour and that gives us a radius of 6 miles. What I want out of each & every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse, and doghouse in that area. Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles. Your fugitive’s name is Dr. Richard Kimble. Go get him.”

 

 

 

81           Walter Sobchak (The Big Lebowski)

Lebowski is a weird movie, but it sure is fun to watch when a particular mood strikes. One of the key reasons for its success is John Goodman’s portrayal of Walter, the foul-mouthed, slightly unhinged, but loyal best buddy of the film’s protagonist. I’ve never been a fan of Goodman’s infamous TV show Roseanne in any of its incarnations, but I sure have enjoyed his big screen career. Raising Arizona. Everybody’s All-American. The Hangover Part III. They may not be transcendent films, but they’re enjoyable enough and better because Goodman is in them. Walter is most definitely second fiddle in Lebowksi, but that’s okay…great movies need supporting characters that add a colorful layer to the story, and in this case the mission is certainly accomplished.

 

Quotes

“Donny, you’re out of your element! Dude, the Chinaman is not the issue here!”

“Nihilists!  I mean, say what you want about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it’s an ethos.”

“Lady, I got buddies who died face down in the muck so that you & I could enjoy this family restaurant!”

“You want a toe? I can get you a toe. Believe me. There are ways, Dude.”

“Life does not start and stop at your convenience, you miserable piece of shit!”

“You know, Dude, I myself dabbled in pacifism once. Not in ‘Nam of course.”

“We’re talking about unchecked aggression here, Dude.”

“Smokey, this is not ‘Nam. This is bowling. There are rules.”

 

 

 

 

80           Captain Louis Renault (Casablanca)

¾ of a century after its theatrical release Casablanca is still regarded as one of the best movies ever produced. There are multiple reasons for that, but one of them is Capt. Renault, a cynical & slightly corrupt French policeman. Casablanca is the largest city in Morocco on the coast of Africa. During World War II it was a vital strategic port, and since a large chunk of Europe was controlled by the Nazis travel was limited, hence the importance of the film’s “letters of transit” (a true film MacGuffin…in reality no such documents existed). Capt. Renault plays all sides, loyal only to his own needs & desires…or so we are led to believe until the film’s conclusion. He isn’t a clichéd movie bad guy…he seems pleasant enough, and in fact has some of the more blithe dialogue. It is rare for an alleged villain to add levity to the story, but that is exactly what Renault does, which is probably why I like him. Actor Claude Rains played more conventional antagonists in films like Mr. Smith Goes to Washington and Alfred Hitchcock’s Notorious, and earned four Academy Award nominations in his career, but Casablanca was the beginning of a beautiful friendship with the audience and Cpt. Renault.

 

Quotes

“I’m making out the report now.  We haven’t quite decided whether he committed suicide or died trying to escape.”

“It is a little game we play.  They put it on the bill, I tear up the bill.  It is very convenient.”

“I have no conviction, if that’s what you mean.  I blow with the wind, and the prevailing wind happens to be from Vichy.

“How extravagant you are, throwing away women like that. Someday they may be scarce.”

“You mustn’t underestimate American blundering. I was with them when they “blundered” into Berlin in 1918.”

“I told my men to be especially destructive. You know how that impresses Germans.”

“Everybody is to leave here immediately! This cafe is closed until further notice. Clear the room, at once! I am shocked…shocked…to find that gambling is going on in here!”

“Well, Rick, you’re not only a sentimentalist, but you’ve become a patriot.”

“Round up the usual suspects!”

 

 

 

79           Jack Dawson & Rose DeWitt-Bukater (Titanic)

For several years Titanic was the highest grossing film of all time, and it swept thru the 1997 awards season like a tornado. Critics & the general populace both love it, but one of the few condemnations I seem to recall hearing back then was that the main focus wasn’t on actual people who lost their lives in the infamous tragedy. Instead the spotlight was given to two fictional characters in Jack & Rose. They are essentially a riff on Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet. He’s a good-natured American guy from the wrong side of the tracks heading home to Wisconsin, while she is a prim & proper British debutante who hates her rigid life. In the course of three hours we become invested in them individually and in their love story. They may not be based on real people, but as composite characters I believe they are solid representatives of the 1500 souls lost on that catastrophic night.

 

Quotes

“I’m the king of the world!” (Jack)

“Do you know of Dr. Freud, Mr. Ismay? His ideas about the male preoccupation with size might be of particular interest to you.” (Rose)

“I’m not an idiot. I know how the world works. I’ve got ten bucks in my pocket. I have nothing to offer you and I know that. I understand. But I’m too involved now. You jump, I jump, remember? I can’t turn away without knowing you’ll be all right.” (Jack)

“I’m flying, Jack!” (Rose)

“I got everything I need right here with me. I got air in my lungs, a few blank sheets of paper. I mean, I love waking up in the morning not knowing what’s gonna happen or, who I’m gonna meet, where I’m gonna wind up. Just the other night I was sleeping under a bridge and now here I am on the grandest ship in the world having champagne with you fine people. I figure life’s a gift and I don’t intend on wasting it. You don’t know what hand you’re gonna get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you… to make each day count.” (Jack)

“Jack, I want you to draw me like one of your French girls. Wearing this…wearing only this.” (Rose)

“I don’t know about you, but I intend to go write a strongly worded letter to the White Star Line about all this.” (Jack)

“Don’t you do that…don’t you say your goodbyes. Not yet, do you understand me? You’re gonna get out of here, you’re gonna go on, and you’re gonna make lots of babies, and you’re gonna watch them grow. You’re gonna die an old… an old woman warm in her bed, not here, not this night. Not like this, do you understand me? Winning that ticket, Rose, was the best thing that ever happened to me. It brought me to you, and I’m thankful for that, Rose. I’m thankful. You must do me this honor. You must promise me that you’ll survive, that you won’t give up, no matter what happens, no matter how hopeless. Promise me now, Rose, and never let go of that promise.” (Jack)

 

 

 

78           Jenny Curran (Forrest Gump)

A lot of subtext can be read into Forrest Gump. Some believe that Jenny…the lifelong friend of the film’s simpleminded hero who was abused as a young girl, becomes a hippie, descends into a life of drugs & prostitution, and ends up dying of (we assume) a sexually transmitted disease…is meant to represent the counterculture & upheaval of the 1960’s that many consider the loss of America’s innocence. She is the darkness in contrast to Forrest’s patriotic optimism. I’m not sure any of that symbolism was purposeful by the filmmakers, but the movie & the character stand on their own merits regardless of intent. Actress Robin Wright has had a solid career in Hollywood, from soap opera Santa Barbara in the mid-80’s to The Princess Bride in 1987 to the recently concluded Netflix hit House of Cards, but the sadness & vulnerability that defines Jenny has been her crowning achievement.

 

Quotes

“Dear God, make me a bird. So I could fly far. Far far away from here.”

“Listen, you promise me something, okay? Just if you’re ever in trouble, don’t be brave. You just run, okay? Just run away.”

 

 

 

 

77           Inspector Harry Callahan (Dirty Harry)

Clint Eastwood’s career has spanned over a half century, and he’s done everything from westerns to critically acclaimed dramas to the television show Rawhide. He’s even become an Academy Award winning director. However, Eastwood will always be most closely associated with his portrayal of Harry Callahan, a tough as nails San Francisco cop who plays by his own set of rules.

 

Quotes

“I know what you’re thinking: ‘Did he fire six shots or only five?’ Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I’ve kinda lost track myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off,  you’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do you, punk?”

 

 

 

76           Euphagenia Doubtfire (Mrs. Doubtfire)

The titular character in this film is actually a man in drag. Daniel Hillard is an itinerant voice actor whose uptight wife divorces him and gets custody of their three children. Instead of allowing their father to spend more time with them the career driven mother decides to hire a nanny, so Daniel dons a very convincing disguise and becomes an elderly British woman. The ruse works, and Mrs. Doubtfire allows Robin Williams’ comedic genius to shine.

 

Quotes

“Oh, sir! I saw it! Some angry member of the kitchen staff. Did you not tip them? Oh, the terrorists – they ran that way. It was a run-by fruiting.”

“I’m a hip old granny who can hip-hop, be-bop, dance ’til you drop, and yo, yo, make a wicked cup of cocoa.”

“Oh. Carpe dentum. Seize the teeth. Just shake them off, like a dog.”

“I found the best way to keep from smoking again and lighting up is to be around those who do smoke. I have to randomly ingest just a little bit of nicotine and it steels my wool.”

“He was quite fond of the drink. It was the drink that killed him. He was hit by a Guinness truck. So it was quite literally the drink that killed him.”

 

 

 

 

75           Woody Pride & Buzz Lightyear (The Toy Story Series)

The older I get the more I appreciate animated movies, especially since the technology has really advanced in the past couple of decades. It doesn’t hurt that Toy Story is a great example of a film that can be enjoyed by kids but is well written enough for adults to be entertained as well. Buzz Lightyear is a boisterous Space Ranger who doesn’t understand that he’s a toy. He is the newest action figure for young Andy, a birthday present from his mother. Buzz initially has a difficult time fitting in with the rest of Andy’s toys, especially Sheriff Woody, who is envious that he’s been replaced as Andy’s favorite plaything. Woody is the unofficial leader amongst all of Andy’s toys and feels threatened by Buzz at first, although the two eventually become pals.

Quotes

“To infinity and beyond!” (Buzz)

“I can’t stop Andy from growing up… but I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” (Woody)

 

 

 

74           Inigo Montoya (The Princess Bride)

You killed his father…prepare to die!! Inigo Montoya is a Spanish swordsman on a mission. As a child he witnessed six fingered Count Rugen murder his father and has spent his life seeking vengeance. Initially he works with malevolent Vizzini to kidnap the lovely Buttercup, but eventually he becomes a good guy, teaming up with The Man in Black & giant Fezzik to rescue Buttercup. He also comes face to face with Rugen and finally gets his revenge.

 

Quotes

“He was a great swordmaker, my father. When the six-fingered man appeared and requested a special sword, my father took the job. He slaved a year before it was finished. The six-fingered man returned and demanded it, but at 1/10th his promised price. My father refused. Without a word, the six-fingered man slashed him through the heart. I loved my father. So naturally, I challenged his murderer to a duel. I failed. I was 11 years old. When I was strong enough, I dedicated my life to the study of fencing. So, the next time we meet, I will not fail. I will go up to the six-fingered man and say, ‘Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.’”

 

 

 

73           Lt. Dan Taylor (Forrest Gump)

I was born with a birth defect and have been disabled my entire life, so the way I do things & live my life is entirely normal to me. However, I have known people who became disabled later in life thru some sort of calamity, and it isn’t uncommon for such folks to become understandably bitter & angry about their situation. Lt. Dan captures those emotions perfectly. He’s kind of a prick, but one can’t help but have empathy and root for him. Gary Sinise might be the most underrated actor of his generation, and it’s a shame that he didn’t win the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor for his performance as Lt. Dan.

 

Quotes

“Now, you listen to me. We all have a destiny. Things don’t just happen…it’s all part of a plan.”

“There are two standing rules in this outfit. One, take care of your feet. Two, don’t go doing something stupid, like getting yourself killed.”

“You call this a storm?!?!?? Blow, you son of a bitch! It’s time for a showdown! You and me! I’m right here! Come and get me! You’ll never… sink… this…boat!!!!”

 

 

 

72           Edward Scissorhands (Edward Scissorhands)

I can’t say I’m on the Tim Burton bandwagon (I have zero interest in Ed Wood, Mars Attacks, or Sweeney Todd, Dark Shadows didn’t really work for me, and I’m thoroughly confused by The Nightmare Before Christmas), but I have enjoyed some of his work (the Batman films of the late 80’s/early 90’s are much more entertaining  than Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight trilogy no matter what anyone says, and Beetlejuice is a modern classic), with Edward Scissorhands chief among them. Edward is the Pinocchio-esque creation of an elderly inventor whose kind & quiet demeanor is offset by the scary looking blades he has instead of hands. The inventor dies and Edward lives for years in an old gothic mansion until a nosy Avon lady stumbles upon him and tries to integrate him into her odd little neighborhood. There Edward falls in love with the lovely young Kim, which makes her boyfriend jealous. Drama & violence ensue, with Edward fleeing back to his mansion. The movie has a framing device with an older version of Kim telling her granddaughter the story and saying that she believes Edward is still alive & living in the old mansion. Johnny Depp seems like kind of a weird dude, but credit where it is due…the guy is a terrific actor and Edward Scissorhands is probably his best performance. Edward is a quiet character who expresses so much with his eyes & facial expressions, which I find captivating.

 

Quotes

“Mrs. Monroe showed me where the salon’s going to be. You could have a cosmetics counter. And then she showed me the back room where she took all of her clothes off.”

 

 

 

71           Mickey Goldmill (The Rocky Series)

Burgess Meredith had a long & successful career in Hollywood, doing a little bit of everything from portraying The Penguin in the 1960’s Batman TV show to playing Lenny in one of the best film adaptations of John Steinbeck’s Of Mice & Men, but to those of us of a certain age he’ll always be Rocky Balboa’s grizzled old manager in the first three Rocky films. Mickey sees Balboa’s potential and isn’t afraid to speak his mind. Mickey encourages Rocky in his pursuit of heavyweight champion Apollo Creed, and does his best a few years later to steer the champ away from the menacing Clubber Lang. Of course Rocky is mauled by Lang, but Mickey’s death immediately afterward spurs his path to revenge.

 

Quotes

“I’m here to warn ya, that ya gotta be very careful about this shot that you got at the title. Because, like the Bible says, you ain’t gonna get a second chance. What ya need is a manager. I know, because I’ve been in this racket for fifty years. I’ve seen it all, all of it. I’ve got 21 stitches over this left eye. I’ve got 34 stitches over this eye. Do ya know that I had my nose busted 17 times. I got all this knowledge, I got it up here now, I wanna give it to you. I wanna take care of ya.  I wanna make sure that all this shit that happened to me doesn’t happen to you. Ya can’t buy what I’m gonna give ya. I’ve got pain and I’ve got experience.”

“You’re gonna eat lightnin’ and you’re gonna crap thunder.”

“You got another shot. It’s a second shot at the, I don’t know, the biggest title in the world. And you’re gonna be swappin’ punches with the most dangerous fighter in the world. And just in case, you know, your brain ain’t workin’ so good, all this happens pretty soon and you ain’t ready. You’re nowhere near in any shape. So I say, you know, for God’s sake, why don’t you stand up and fight this guy hard?! Like ya done before? That was beautiful! But don’t lay down in front of him like this! Like, I don’t know, like some kind of mongrel or something. ‘Cause he’s gonna kick your face in pieces, you know that? That’s right. This guy just don’t wanna win, you know. He wants to bury ya, he wants to humiliate ya. He wants to prove to the whole world that you was nothing but some kind of a freak the first time out. And he said you’re a one-time lucky bum. Well, now, I don’t, I don’t wanna get mad, in a biblical place like this, but I think you’re a hell of a lot more than that, kid.”

“Why don’t you carry this? ‘Cause I liked you a lot better when you was carryin’ spit. ‘Cause the way you’re trainin’, you’re gonna end up pumping gas in Jersey somewhere!”

“You can’t win, Rock! This guy’ll kill ya to death inside of 3 rounds! He ain’t just another fighter. This guy is a wreckin’ machine, and he’s hungry! Hell, you ain’t been hungry since you won that belt! Three years ago, you were supernatural. You was hard and nasty. You had this cast iron jaw. But then, the worst thing happened to you that could happen to any fighter. You got civilized. Don’t worry, kid. You know, presidents retire, generals retire, horses retire, Man o War retired. They put him out to stud. That’s what you should’ve done, retire.”

 

 

 

70           Ace Ventura (Ace Ventura: Pet Detective)

Jim Carrey has gone on to become a fairly well-regarded actor who takes himself, his craft, and life in general way too seriously. However, 25 years ago he was an up & comer known for portraying Fire Marshal Bill on the TV sketch comedy show In Living Color. Critics hated Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, but its 47% score on Rotten Tomatoes was trumped by a $72 million box office, making it the 12th highest grossing film of 1994 and earning a sequel just a year later. The sequel was an even bigger financial success but also more panned critically. Ace is a unique & unforgettable character because really, who would even conceive of “pet detective” being a thing?

 

Quotes

“Einhorn is Finkle. Finkle is Einhorn! Einhorn is a MAN!”

“Alrighty then!”

“Fiction can be fun! But I find the reference section much more enlightening. For instance, if you were to look up professional football’s all-time bonehead plays you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed a 26-yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XVII. What you WOULDN’T read about is how Ray Finkle lost his mind, was committed to a mental hospital, only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hiker, manipulating his way to the top in a diabolical scheme to get even with Dan Marino whom he blamed for the entire thing!”

 

 

 

69           Rhett Butler & Scarlett O’Hara (Gone with the Wind)

The on again/off again relationship between Rhett & Scarlett reminds me of every “will they or won’t they” antagonistic & tortured  “romance” we’ve seen play out on TV in my lifetime. In the real world such relationships are toxic, but within the scope of entertainment we find the tension & chemistry charming. Rhett Butler is a wealthy scoundrel who eventually enlists in the Confederate Army. Scarlett O’Hara is an entitled debutante, the self-centered daughter of a plantation owner. She spends most of the film pining for southern gentleman Ashley Wilkes, but he’s married to her cousin. Rhett is immediately smitten with Scarlett, but thru the years she marries two other men for all the wrong reasons, and both husbands end up dead. Scarlett goes through a lot of stuff over the course of the story, proving herself to be as resilient & tough as she is spoiled. Eventually Rhett & Scarlett marry & have a child, but she STILL can’t get over Ashley Wilkes. Rhett becomes fed up with her shenanigans and bolts, just as she finally figures out that he’s the man she truly needs. Vivien Leigh won the Academy Award for Best Actress for her portrayal of Scarlett, beating out the likes of Greta Garbo & Bette Davis in the process. Clark Gable wasn’t the original choice to portray Rhett…Gary Cooper turned down the part. Gable was nominated for Best Actor, but lost to Robert Donat for his role in Goodbye, Mr. Chipps.

 

Quotes

“I’m very drunk and I intend on getting still drunker before this evening is over.” (Rhett)

“As God is my witness they’re not going to lick me. I’m going to live through this and when it’s all over, I’ll never be hungry again. No, nor any of my folk. If I have to lie, steal, cheat, or kill. As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again! (Scarlett)

“The war stopped being a joke when a girl like you doesn’t know how to wear the latest fashion.” (Rhett)

“Tara! Home. I’ll go home. And I’ll think of some way to get him back. After all… tomorrow… is another day!” (Scarlett)

“Open your eyes and look at me. No, I don’t think I will kiss you, although you need kissing badly. That’s what’s wrong with you. You should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how.” (Rhett)

“I’m the only man over 16 and under 60 who’s around to show you a good time.” (Rhett)

“There’s one thing I do know, and that is that I love you Scarlett. In spite of you and me and the whole silly world going to pieces around us, I love you. Because we’re alike. Bad lots, both of us. Selfish & shrewd, but able to look things in the eyes as we call them by their right names.” (Rhett)

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” (Rhett)

 

 

 

68           Robin Hood (various films)

Sir Robin of Loxley first appeared in English folk ballads in the 15th century and has popped in & out of our collective pop culture consciousness for over 500 years. An outlaw who steals from the rich & gives to the poor, lives in Sherwood Forest with his band of Merry Men (Friar Tuck, Little John, Will Scarlet, et al), battles the dastardly Sheriff of Nottingham, & romances the lovely Maid Marian, Robin Hood has starred in about three dozen movies in the past hundred years. It is likely that he’d be a bit higher in our countdown if more of those films had been…noteworthy. Hollywood keeps trying, but despite their best efforts the only Robin Hood movie that has made much of an impact is 1938’s The Adventures of Robin Hood, a classic starring Errol Flynn.

 

Quotes

“We Saxons have little to fatten on by the time your tax gatherers are through. Overtaxed, overworked, and paid off with a knife, a club, or a rope.”

“It’s time to put an end to this! Now, this forest is wide. It can shelter and clothe and feed a band of good, determined men – good swordsmen, good archers, good fighters. Men, if you’re willing to fight for our people, I want you! Are you with me?”

“What else do you call a man who takes advantage of the King’s misfortune to seize his power? Now, with the help of this sweet band of cutthroats, you’ll try to grind a ransom for him out of every helpless Saxon, a ransom that will be used, not to release Richard, but to buy your way to the throne. I’ll organize a revolt, exact a death for a death, and I’ll never rest until every Saxon in this shire can stand up free men, and strike a blow for Richard and England.”

 

 

 

67           Clark Griswold (The Vacation Series)

Five years ago The Manofesto ranked Clark Griswold 4th on our list of Superfluous 7 Most Awesome Fictional Dads, opining that despite being kind of a dufus it is obvious that he is a devoted family man. Chevy Chase has portrayed Clark in five films stretching all the way back to the original National Lampoon’s Vacation in 1983. He’s an interesting character in that his occupation as an R&D expert in food additives & preservatives seems to indicate some level of intelligence, yet he is depicted as an ordinary putz in his personal life. Chase’s gift for physical comedy as well as how others play off him…with sort of an eye-rolling tolerance for his buffoonery…endears Clark to the audience, making us glad when everything turns out fine despite his persistent screw-ups.

 

Quotes

“This is no longer a vacation…it’s a quest. It’s a quest for fun! I’m gonna have fun and you’re gonna have fun! We’re all gonna have so much fuckin’ fun we’ll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles! You’ll be whistling Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah out of your assholes!!! HAHAHA!!! I gotta be crazy; I’m on a pilgrimage to see a moose! Praise Marty Moose! Holy shit!!!”

“Hey, look kids…there’s Big Ben and there’s Parliament.”

“Honey, we’re not normal people. We’re the Griswolds!”

 

 

 

66           John Doe (Se7en) & Keyser Soze (The Usual Suspects)

Oscar winning actor Kevin Spacey may be persona non grata in Hollywood these days, but until he ran into the #MeToo Mafia his career had been full of memorable roles. To be honest Se7en & The Usual Suspects aren’t really my kind of films, but both offer unforgettable villains made even better by the presence of Spacey inhabiting the characters. Se7en tells the story of a serial killer who uses The Seven Deadly Sins as a theme in his murders. John Doe forces a man to eat until his stomach ruptures (gluttony), kills a lawyer by literally taking a pound of flesh from him (greed),  starves a drug dealer/child molester almost to death (sloth), forces a man at gunpoint to kill a prostitute by raping her with a bladed “toy” (lust), & mutilates the face of a model (pride). For those who haven’t seen the movie I won’t spoil the final two crimes representing envy & wrath. The Usual Suspects finds the LAPD interrogating cerebral palsy-afflicted con man Verbal Kint after he survives a massacre on a ship. Kint weaves a tale about a crime lord named Keyser Soze, but in possibly one of the best endings to a movie ever it is revealed (major spoiler alert) that Verbal Kint IS Keyser Soze. Spacey won his first Academy Award (Best Supporting Actor) for his role in The Usual Suspects.

 

Quotes

“The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.” (Keyser Soze)

“Don’t ask me to pity those people. I don’t mourn them any more than I do the thousands that died at Sodom & Gomorrah.” (John Doe)

 

 

 

65           Dr. Frederick Frankenstein (Young Frankenstein)

First of all, it is pronounced “Fronk-en-steen”. That is just one small way in which Frederick has intentionally distanced himself from his grandfather’s twisted legacy. However, upon inheriting the family castle in Transylvania Frederick finds himself at a crossroads, and I think we all know the hilarious path he chooses. I’m a fan of parody films, and the way director Mel Brooks spoofs the classic story is funny in a way that I fear may be lost on modern youngsters. Gene Wilder not only stars as Frederick but he also co-wrote the screenplay with Brooks. The cast…Madeline Kahn, Marty Feldman, Peter Boyle, Cloris Leachman, Teri Garr, Gene Hackman…is first rate, even if no one under 45 these days might appreciate that fact. I have a bad feeling that someday somebody is going to get the bright idea to remake Young Frankenstein, and that would be…at the very least…misguided.

 

Quotes

“From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars, ‘I am man!’ our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our mortality. But tonight, we shall hurl the gauntlet of science into the frightful face of death itself. Tonight, we shall ascend into the heavens. We shall mock the earthquake. We shall command the thunders, and penetrate into the very womb of impervious nature herself.”

“My grandfather’s work was doodoo! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life!”

“Are you saying that I put an abnormal brain into a 7 and a half foot long, 54- inch wide GORILLA?!?!?! IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE TELLING ME!?!”

 

 

 

63           Carl Spackler (Caddyshack)

One would assume that being an assistant greenskeeper at swanky Bushwood Country Club would allow even a middle class guy like Carl a decent lifestyle. Alas, he lives in small hut on the golf course, with his job & the game of golf itself consuming his life. He dreams of one day winning The Masters, and in his spare time breeds grass hybrids that one can “play 36 holes on in the afternoon” then “get stoned to the bejeezus” on it at night. He becomes obsessed with ridding the golf course of a rabblerousing gopher, going so far as to utilize explosives and blow up the very course he is employed to look after.

 

Quotes

“What an incredible Cinderella story! This unknown, comes out of nowhere, to lead the pack at Augusta.  The crowd is just on its feet here. He’s a Cinderella boy. Tears in his eyes, I guess, as he lines up this last shot. He’s got about 195 yards left, and he’s got a, looks like he’s got about an 8-iron. This crowd has gone deadly silent… Cinderella story, out of nowhere, former greenskeeper, now about to become the Masters champion. It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole!”

“My enemy…my foe…is an animal. In order to conquer the animal I have to learn to think like an animal. And, whenever possible, to look like one. I’ve gotta get inside this guy’s pelt and crawl around for a few days.”

“And he says, ‘Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.’ So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.”

 

 

 

64           Hermione Granger (The Harry Potter Series)

Author JK Rowling describes Hermione as having “pale skin, bushy brown hair, brown eyes, & large buck teeth”. In the films she is much lovelier than the impression one gets from the books, but her personality remains unchanged: intelligent, sensible, strong-willed, loyal, & just a tad bit officious. She’s the kind of person that’s nice to have in your corner, and one that presents fierce opposition. She’s tough as nails and not afraid to stand side by side with the boys or go toe to toe with the baddies, yet she retains an element of vulnerable femininity & kindness. I suppose for a certain age of young ladies Hermione could be called a feminist icon.

 

Quotes

“Honestly, am I the only person who’s ever bothered to read Hogwarts: A History?”

“Now if you two don’t mind, I’m going to bed. Before you come up with another idea to get us killed. Or worse, expelled.”

“I’m highly logical which allows me to look past extraneous detail and perceive clearly that which others overlook.”

“Just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn’t mean we all have!”

“No Harry, you listen…we’re coming with you. That was decided months ago…years, really.”

 

 

 

62           Austin Powers & Dr. Evil (The Austin Powers Series)

I may not be a James Bond fan, but I really enjoyed the Austin Powers movies, which are essentially a Bond parody. Powers is a 60’s era swinger & British spy whose arch nemesis is Dr. Evil. When Dr. Evil becomes cryogenically frozen Powers does the same so that he’ll be available to stop Evil in the future. That future is three decades later, when both Powers & Evil are thawed out and continue their battle. Dr. Evil intends to steal nuclear weapons & hold the world hostage for “$100 BILLION!!”. It’s all very silly, with double entendres, sight gags, & the kind of goofy humor that tickles my funny bone. Mike Meyers created the story as a tribute to his British parents and plays both characters. Meyers was a couple of years removed from his time at SNL and hadn’t had much success outside of the two Wayne’s World films, but cemented his stardom with the dual roles. Rumors of a fourth Powers movie have persisted since the third one hit theaters 17 years ago, but so far it hasn’t happened.

 

Quotes

“I bet she shags like a minx.” (Austin Powers)

“Fire the laser!” (Dr. Evil)

“The 70s and the 80s? You’re not missing anything! I looked into it. There’s a gas shortage and A Flock of Seagulls. That’s about it.” (Austin Powers)

“Why must I be surrounded by frickin’ idiots?” (Dr. Evil)

“Oh, behave!” (Austin Powers)

“Throw me a frickin’ bone here!” (Dr. Evil)

“Groovy, baby!” (Austin Powers)

“I have a better idea. I’m going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death.” (Dr. Evil)

“SILENCE!! I will not tolerate your insolence!” (Dr. Evil)

“Ladies & gentlemen, welcome to my new submarine lair. It’s long and hard and full of seamen.” (Dr. Evil)

 

 

 

61           John Bender (The Breakfast Club)

There are five high schoolers in trouble & spending their Saturday in detention at Shurmur High School in suburban Chicago on March 24, 1984: Claire Standish (The Princess), Andrew Clark (The Athlete), Brian Johnson (The Brain), Allison Reynolds (The Basket Case), & John Bender (The Criminal). Of that group it is Bender that shines just a little brighter. The idea behind these characters is that they represent typical high school stereotypes, and it’s the main reason the film holds up nearly four decades later…those labels are universal and don’t change all that much. Every high school has rebels like Bender, the kind of badass who thumbs their nose at authority, doesn’t care all that much about academics, & seemingly has a limited future. However, the great thing about The Breakfast Club is that it explores those archetypes & exposes their folly. It’s a movie that one perceives differently thru the prism of adulthood, and as a grown man I am struck by the not-so-subtle suggestion that Bender has been physically, mentally, & emotionally abused at home. There is a scene in which blowhard Principal Vernon gets in Bender’s face, and contrary to the bluster that he exhibits in the presence of his peers, the tough as nails bully cowers like a scared child. It is a stark reminder that not everything is always as it seems –  sometimes people put on masks to hide their pain.

 

Quotes

“Screws fall out all the time; the world is an imperfect place.”

“Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?”

“I could see you really pushing maximum density. You see, I’m not sure if you know this, but there are two kinds of fat people. There’s fat people that were born to be fat, and there’s fat people that were once thin, but they became fat, so when you look at them you can sort of see that thin person inside. You see, you’re gonna get married, you’re gonna squeeze out a few puppies and then….”

“Eat my shorts.”

“”Face it…you’re a neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie.”

 

 

 

60           Beetlejuice (Beetlejuice)

Horror comedies are a rare treat, but they are the kind of Halloween-ish fare I prefer instead of straight up slasher flicks. Michael Keaton is an undervalued gem of an actor, capable of adding zest to comedies, dramas, big budget superhero films, biopics, or whatever else he does. When a young couple dies in a car accident but still finds themselves residing in their suburban Connecticut home they employ the services of a centuries old “freelance bio-exorcist” to get rid of the new owners of the house. That freelancer is a fast-talking, mischievous, & crude trickster who is essentially a “Livingbuster” (as opposed to a Ghostbuster)…a ghost who exterminates the living by scaring them away. The name Betelgeuse (the proper spelling) refers to a star in the Orion constellation that is the ninth brightest star in the night sky. Rumors of a Beetlejuice sequel have been circulating for years, but the project seems to have hit a wall.

 

Quotes

“I’m the ghost with the most, babe.”

“It’s showtime!”

 

 

 

59           Sonny Corleone (The Godfather Trilogy)

Hands down Sonny has the greatest death scene in movie history. The eldest son of Don Vito Corleone, hothead Santino takes over as temporary boss of The Family after his father is shot by goons working for narcotics kingpin Turk Sollozzo. Under Sonny’s leadership the Five Families engage in a Mafia war after Sonny’s younger brother Michael kills Sollozzo & a corrupt cop, forcing the entire Corleone organization to “go to the mattresses”. After his brother-in-law Carlo physically abuses his wife Connie, Sonny defends his sister’s honor by beating the holy hell out of Carlo, which leads to rival boss Emilio Barzini setting a trap using Carlo to bait Sonny into making a reckless mistake. He is brought down in a hail of gunfire at a toll booth. Sonny’s sexual prowess and physical…gifts…are elaborated on much more in the book than the movie, but his affair with one of Connie’s bridesmaids at the beginning of the first film is important because his illegitimate son Vincent Mancini becomes Don of the Corleone Family in the much maligned & underappreciated Part III.

Quotes

“Hey, whatcha gonna do, nice college boy, eh? Didn’t want to get mixed up in the family business, huh? Now you wanna gun down a police captain ’cause he slapped ya in the face? Hah? What do you think this is? The Army, where you shoot ’em a mile away? You’ve gotta get up close like this and bada-bing, you blow their brains all over your nice Ivy League suit!”

 

 

 

58           Godzilla (various films)

Godzilla (which in Japanese translates into gorilla whale) is a 300-400 ft. reptilian creature weighing several hundred thousand tons who lives in the sea and is awakened as a result of nuclear radiation. He has been the star of about three dozen films dating back to the 1950’s, and the earliest movies are still the best, mostly because of the kitschiness factor of the archaic special effects & amusingly poor dubbing of English over the original Japanese. Big scary monsters are nothing new in Hollywood, but most of them come & go rather quickly. Maybe they get a couple of sequels but that’s usually it. Godzilla has stood the test of time, and we can still count on a new movie in the series popping up somewhere every few years for our viewing pleasure.

 

Quotes

 

 

 

 

57           Bo “Bandit” Darville (Smokey & The Bandit)

At one point in my childhood Burt Reynolds was the biggest movie star in the world, and though he’d previously done well-regarded films like Deliverance & The Longest Yard my earliest memory of him is Smokey & The Bandit. I was five years old and didn’t really get all the humor, but there were car chases & crashes so that was enough to attract my attention. In the ensuing four decades I have watched this movie countless times, and though the entire cast is terrific it is The Bandit that holds it all together. He’s a trucker who’s between jobs, and that guy that knows everyone and is loved by everybody because of his charm & good looks. He’s cocky but not arrogant, confident enough in his skills to agree to a bet wherein he’ll bring 400 cases of Coors beer to Atlanta from Texarkana, TX in just 28 hours. The premise might not make much sense to folks in 21st century America because one first must understand that in the 1970’s Coors was unavailable east of Oklahoma (it didn’t become distributed nationally until 1986), and because it was made without stabilizers & preservatives could spoil quicker than other beers. Bootlegging was the illegal transport of alcoholic beverages due to violation of registration & licensing laws. I have no idea what the penalty was, but I assume the $80k Bandit is offer by Big Enos Burdette is worth the risk. At any rate, his antics are so much fun that it makes an otherwise odd & now outdated idea still entertaining after all these years.

 

Quotes

“Oh I love your suits. It must have been a bitch to get a 68 Extra Fat and a 12 Dwarf.”

“You’re always hoppin around. And you’re kinda cute, like a frog. And I’d like to jump ya.”

“He was taking a 10-100.”

“Cowboys love fat calves.”

“What’s a Texas county mounty doing in Arkansas?”

 

 

 

56           Moses (The Ten Commandments)

Hollywood’s history with Biblical epics is spotty at best, but they did it right with The Ten Commandments. It’s got to be a tough gig portraying a character from The Bible, right?? They are real people who actually walked the Earth, but it was so long ago that there aren’t photos or video to lay the foundation for an accurate depiction. With the exception of events that are written about in God’s Word there isn’t much to base a character on, yet millions of people whose faith is deeply important to them have high expectations. By 1956 director Cecil B. DeMille had helmed dozens of movies, many of them in the silent era in the first two decades of the 20th century. His epic circus drama The Greatest Show on Earth had won the Academy Award for Best Picture a few years earlier. Charlton Heston wasn’t DeMille’s first choice to play Moses, but the two had worked together on The Greatest Show on Earth and Heston’s knowledge of Egyptian history captivated the director, who thought the actor resembled Michelangelo’s 16th century statue of Moses in the church of San Pietro in Rome. William Boyd, who had portrayed Hopalong Cassidy in over five dozen cowboy movies in the 1930’s & 40’s, turned down the part, so Heston was chosen. He’d acted in over a dozen previous films, but it was The Ten Commandments that made him a star.

 

Quotes

“A city is made of brick, Pharaoh. The strong make many. The weak make few. The dead make none. So much for accusations.”

“It would take more than a man to lead the slaves from bondage. It would take a god, and I am no god. I am but a man, a man who asks by what right any man may enslave another of a different race or creed. But if I could free these people, I would.”

“Who shall withstand the power of God?!?!??”

 

 

 

55           Buck Russell (Uncle Buck)

It’s the role that John Candy was born to play: a slovenly black sheep uncle called on to babysit his nieces & nephew in the midst of a family emergency. Buck is a middle-aged unemployed bachelor who smokes cigars, drinks beer, drives a noisy old gas guzzler that’s seen better days, & spends a lot of time at the track betting on horses…not exactly the ideal caretaker for children. The two younger kids take an immediate liking to Buck, but he has a much more difficult time winning over his teenage niece. Those interactions between an uncle clearly out of his element and the children are the crux of the film, and Candy infuses Buck with a mix of humor, common sense, tough love, amiable befuddlement, & roguish charm that endears him to the audience.

 

Quotes

“I’m on to cigars now. I’m on to a five year plan. I eliminated cigarettes, then I go to cigars, then I go to pipes, then I go to chewing tobacco, then I’m on to that nicotine gum.”

“What’s your record for consecutive questions asked?”

“I don’t think I want to know a 6 year old who isn’t a dreamer or a sillyheart, and I sure don’t want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don’t have a college degree. I don’t even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they’re all good kids until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you drag them down and convince them they’re no good. You so much as scowl at my niece or any other kid in this school and I hear about it, I’m coming looking for you! Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face! Good day to you, madam.

“Stand me up today and tomorrow I’ll drive you to school in my robe and pajamas and walk you to your first class.”

“Ever hear of a ritual killing? You gnaw on her face in public like that again and you’ll be one.”

“I have a friend who works at the crime lab at the police station. I could give him your toothbrush and he could run a test on it to see if you actually brushed your teeth or just ran your toothbrush under the faucet.”

 

 

 

54           R2D2 & C3P0 (The Star Wars series)

The Star Wars galaxy created by George Lucas offers a multitude of memorable characters. We’ll get to some others eventually, but we begin with a pair of futuristic droids that offer delightful levity amongst all the action & intrigue. There are eleven films in the series…the original trilogy, the prequel trilogy, the soon to be concluded sequel trilogy, Rogue One, & Solo. R2D2 & C3P0 have appeared in ten of these, which is by far more than any other character. R2D2 purportedly stands for Second Generation Robotic Droid Series-2, but the truth is that when Lucas heard his sound editor on American Graffiti ask for Reel 2, Dialog Track 2 in abbreviated form he liked the sound of it. R2D2 is a utility robot used for the maintenance & repair of starships and related technology. In the films he first belongs to Naboo defense forces charged with repairing Queen Padme Amidala’s ship. Thru the years he is owned by Qui-Gon Jinn, Anakin Skywalker, Owen Lars, Luke Skywalker, & Rey. R2’s distinctive shape and various beeps & unique noises are signature elements of the character. C3P0 is a little more humanlike than his buddy, having legs & feet and the ability to speak. He is a protocol droid intended to assist in etiquette, customs, & translation and is fluent in over seven million forms of communication. Thru the years he has served Shmi Skywalker, the Lars family, Padmé Amidala, Raymus Antilles, Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, & Rey. His distinctive gold plating makes him easy to spot in a crowd, and his fussy, worrisome personality is rather comical. I’m sure back in the 70’s many people thought that by the 21st century robot assistants like R2D2 & C3P0 would be commonplace, but we’re not quite there yet.

 

Quotes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-BKjnAgNgY

“For a mechanic, you seem to do an incessant amount of thinking.” (C3P0)

“Don’t blame me. I’m an interpreter. I’m not supposed to know a power socket from a computer terminal.” (C3P0)

“R2, you know better than to trust a strange computer.” (C3P0)

“It’s against my programming to impersonate a deity.” (C3P0)

 

 

 

53           Billy Madison & Happy Gilmore (eponymous films)

Adam Sandler’s career has been a mixed bag. He is undoubtedly talented & funny, but his shtick isn’t everybody’s cup of tea and he’s made a lot of bad movies. In my opinion his funniest films were in the early 90’s, though you won’t find many critics who would agree. I take no issue with solicitous, meaningful films with life lessons, powerful messages, & profound themes, but sometimes we just want to turn off our brain for awhile and laugh at something completely stupid & pointless and Sandler has done a decent job of providing that sort of entertainment. Billy Madison is a rather juvenile 20-something in a clear state of arrested development. When his hotel tycoon father plans to retire he’d prefer Billy take over the business but knows he isn’t capable, especially since the old man bribed teachers to pass Billy all the way thru school. At any rate, Billy accepts a challenge to complete 12 grades of school in two weeks, which is somehow supposed to magically make him qualified to helm a Fortune 500 company. I know…it makes very little sense, but the journey is lots of silly fun, which is the whole point. Happy Gilmore is a failed hockey player wannabe who must figure out a way to help his grandmother buy back her house that the IRS took for back taxes she owes. He inexplicably ends up on the PGA Tour and (spoiler alert) wins enough money as a champion golfer to help out his grandmother. Once again…don’t put too much thought into it. The plots of these movies aren’t meant to be logical and the characters aren’t supposed to be realistic, but Sandler infuses both Billy & Happy with enough affable charm that we root for their success and want them to overcome the odds despite the fact that they are total idiots.

Quotes

“Oh, Veronica Vaughn … soooo hot … want to touch the hiney!” (Billy)

“The Price is wrong, bitch!” (Happy)

“You ain’t cool, unless, you pee your pants! Everybody my age pee their pants; it’s the coolest!” (Billy)

 

 

 

 

52           Ellis “Red” Redding (The Shawshank Redemption)

Many folks may not realize that The Shawshank Redemption is based on a 1982 Stephen King novella. In that book Red Redding is described as a middle-aged Irish man with greying red hair, so casting Morgan Freeman in the role can only be described as an inspired choice. Red has been imprisoned at Shawshank for 40 years for murdering his wife & passengers in her vehicle after he tampered with the brakes. He has attained a level of influence for being able to smuggle a variety of goods into the jail for other inmates, though his attitude remains somewhat sullen. He is a practical man, resigned to his fate yet regretful of the crime he committed when he was young & stupid. Red befriends new inmate Andy Dufresne, and they end up changing each other’s lives tremendously. Freeman received his third Academy Award nomination for the role, but lost the Best Actor prize to Tom Hanks (Forrest Gump).

 

Quotes

“In 1966, Andy Dufresne escaped from Shawshank prison. All they found of him was a muddy set of prison clothes, a bar of soap, and an old rock hammer, damn near worn down to the nub. I remember thinking it would take a 600 years to tunnel through the wall with it. Old Andy did it in less than 20. Andy crawled to freedom through 500 yards of shit-smelling foulness I can’t even imagine…or maybe I just don’t want to. 500 yards… that’s the length of five football fields; just shy of half a mile.”

“Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.”

“These prison walls are funny. First you hate ’em, then you get used to ’em. Enough time passes, gets so you depend on them. That’s institutionalized. They send you here for life, that’s exactly what they take. The part that counts anyways.”

“Rehabilitated? Well, now, let me see. You know, I don’t have any idea what that means. I know what you think it means, sonny. To me it’s just a made-up word. A politician’s word, so that young fellas like yourself can wear a suit and a tie and have a job. What do you really wanna know? Am I sorry for what I did? There’s not a day goes by that I don’t feel regret. Not because I’m in here, or because you think I should. I look back on the way I was then: a young, stupid kid who committed that terrible crime. I want to talk to him. I want to try to talk some sense to him, tell him the way things are. But I can’t. That kid’s long gone, and this old man is all that’s left. I gotta live with that. Rehabilitated? It’s just a bullshit word. So go ahead and stamp your forms, sonny, and stop wasting my time. Because to tell you the truth, I don’t give a shit.”

“I find I’m so excited I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it is the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.”

 

 

 

51           Laurie Strode (Halloween)

Screen legend Janet Leigh is the original Scream Queen for her small yet pivotal role in the 1960 Hitchcock classic Psycho, so it is fitting that her daughter Jamie Lee Curtis would assume the mantle after playing Lorrie Strode, an ordinary American teenager who endures a single night of terror at the hands of a knife-wielding masked maniac. Numerous sequels, remakes, & reboots have kept the Halloween franchise alive, but really the 1978 original & its initial 1981 sequel are the only two that matter.

 

Quotes

“Was it the boogeyman?”

 

 

 

Stay tuned!! There is more to come!!

2019 Pigskin Picks of Profundity…Week 7

Once again I find myself watching Thursday Night Football and preparing this post even though I’ve had all the pertinent info for a couple of days. I’ve been meaning to do something about my bad habit of procrastinating for several years, but I just haven’t gotten around to it yet. At any rate, bonus picks worked out pretty well for me last week (6-2), and less so for Zach (3-5), yet my intention was not to do it two weeks in a row. However, the schedule is lit…especially on Saturday…so we’ll just go with the flow. Baseball is in playoff mode and both pre-season basketball & hockey have begun, but it’s still the ol’ pigskin that lights my fire.

My Season:        21-15

Zach’s Season:  16-20

 

 

 

 

Florida State                at                Clemson (-27)

Not long ago this was one of the marquee matchups each season, but the 3-2 Seminoles have fallen on hard times in recent years. Conversely, the Tigers have consistently been one of the top teams in the nation for awhile. I don’t see any of that changing overnight, especially in Death Valley. The question is whether or not Clemson will cover the near four touchdown spread. They damn near lost to the Tar Heels in Chapel Hill a couple of weeks ago, so I don’t know if FSU should be encouraged by that result or petrified that the home team is coming off a bye week. I’m probably going to regret it, but I’m going with the #2 team in the country to get their mojo back and quiet the doubters (atleast for now). Zach feels like this could be a trap game. He doesn’t believe that Florida St. will win, but does feel like they’re improving and will play good enough to cover the points.

My Pick:     Clemson

Z’s Pick:     Florida St.

 

 

 

Michigan State           at                Wisconsin (-10)

This is a bigger game than I would have imagined it’d be a few weeks ago. The Badgers are an undefeated Top Ten team, while the Spartans are 4-2 and coming off a loss to Ohio St. Wisconsin has more to lose and is playing at home, so even though the points make me a little nervous I’ll roll the dice on the favorites. Zach really likes Badgers’ RB Jonathan Taylor and would vote for him to win the Heisman. That being said, he does believe that the Spartan defense will slow Taylor down just a little bit. However, he doesn’t think that defensive effort will be enough and thinks Wisconsin wins & covers.

My Pick:     Wisconsin

Z’s Pick:     Wisconsin

 

 

 

Penn State (-3)                     at                         Iowa

The Big Ten is really solid this season!! The Nittany Lions are 5-0 & ranked 10th in the polls, but they aren’t even leading their division. The Hawkeyes are 4-1 & ranked 17tth and are FOURTH in their division. So what does all of that mean for this game?? Good question. It’s interesting that Iowa isn’t favored at home, but I’m not sure that’s the right call by the folks in Vegas. The Vibes are telling me that an upset could be brewing. Zach really digs Iowa’s home field, but he doesn’t believe it’ll be enough.

My Pick:     Iowa

Z’s Pick:     Penn St.

 

 

 

Florida                         at                         LSU (-13)

The Gators are an undefeated Top Ten team coming off of a huge win over Auburn, so it’s a bit weird for them to be nearly two TD underdogs. Of course when the opponent is an undefeated Top 5 team with a well-regarded home field advantage I suppose it makes sense. What bothers me about the Bayou Bengals is that with the exception of a victory over Texas they haven’t had a tough schedule at all. The Gators made a believer out of me a week ago, and I have a difficult time believing that they’ll have enough of a letdown to lose by double digits. I don’t know who will win, although straight up I’d probably choose LSU. I just think it’ll be a close game. Zach has some concerns about Florida’s inconsistency and possible injuries, but he’s joining me out on that limb.

My Pick:     Florida

Z’s Pick:     Florida

 

 

 

Alabama (-16.5)                    at                         Texas A&M

We don’t pick a lot of Alabama games because I’m just kind of over the hype, but I’ve had this game on my radar since August. The Tide is undefeated and untested…clearly the best team in the country. A&M is 3-2 but ranked by virtue of their unimaginably difficult schedule, and were competitive against Clemson & Auburn in losses. They call the 100k + fans at each home game in College Station The 12th Man, and it is a notable advantage, but I’m not sure it’ll be enough. It’s a safe bet that ‘Bama will win the game, but will they cover?? They are winning by an average of 37 points per game, but this is certainly the toughest opponent they’ve faced. I would love to be wrong, but I’m sensing a 20-29 point victory this weekend, which would be more than enough. Zach concurs.

My Pick:     Alabama

Z’s Pick:     Alabama

 

 

 

Oklahoma (-11)                     vs.                       Texas

Hey, look y’all…it’s The Red River Shootout. Not only that, but both teams are almost in the Top Ten (Texas is ranked 11th), making this more meaningful than the matchup has been in quite awhile. There’s a good chance that there will be a rematch down the line in the conference title game because of how the Big 12 (which has ten teams) is set up, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. The Sooners haven’t broken a sweat thus far, and QB Jalen Hurts looks like a legit Heisman contender. The Longhorns’ only blemish is a loss to LSU, which is nothing of which to be ashamed. This is a neutral site game in Dallas, so there’s no real home field advantage. The double digit points indicate that the oddsmakers aren’t quite ready to believe in Texas, which is understandable. Five of the past six Shootouts have been decided by a touchdown or less, but I’m going to ignore that and cheer for Oklahoma to win big. Zach thinks Texas QB Sam Ehlinger is overrated, but he foresees a tight game in which the favorites win by only a touchdown.

My Pick:     Oklahoma

Z’s Pick:     Texas

 

 

 

Houston                      at                         Kansas City (-5)

One thing I know for sure about this game…take the over (which is 55 points). The 3-2 Texans haven’t been overwhelmingly impressive, but they could easily be undefeated if a few breaks had gone their way. The Chiefs have looked marginally better, but it’ll be interesting to see how they react to last week’s loss to division rival Indianapolis. The home field is notable and could make a difference in a close game. I know everybody fawns all over KC quarterback Patrick Mahomes, but I really like Texans’ QB Deshaun Watson a lot. I also like Houston defensive lineman JJ Watt, and I think defense could be the key to victory. Conversely, Zach expects a big game from Mahomes and an easy Chiefs win.

My Pick:     Houston

Z’s Pick:     Kansas City

 

 

 

Philadelphia                         at                         Minnesota (-3)

The Eagles have struggled to regain their Super Bowl form from a couple of years ago, going 9-7 last season, and though they lead the NFC East at this point they’re only 3-2. The Vikings are also 3-2, but sit dead last in the NFC Central (to be fair they’re only one game behind). I foresee a low scoring defensive struggle, so a big question is which running back do I trust more…Philly’s duo of Miles Sanders & Jordan Howard or Minnesota’s Dalvin Cook?? In this case I’m leaning toward Cook to get the winning score. Zach likes the Vikings to defend their home turf and get a fairly decisive victory.

My Pick:     Minnesota

Z’s Pick:     Minnesota

100 Memorable Movie Characters…Part 1

 

“Everything I learned I learned from the movies.” Audrey Hepburn

 

 

 

About a year & a half ago…prompted by a longtime citizen of The Manoverse…we examined my 100 Memorable TV Characters. I knew back then that we’d eventually get around to talking about characters in feature films, but it was an idea that needed to percolate for awhile, and now it’s time to pull the trigger.

 

Television characters are rather easy to ponder. They come into our living rooms on a weekly basis for 5-10 years (give or take, and then we may watch reruns for decades). We get to know them. Their personalities…quirks, idiosyncrasies, & relationships…grow & evolve. They interact with a number of people in a variety of situations. Over the years they become something akin to imaginary friends, or in the case of villains & anti-heroes people we love to hate. In time such characters make an impact on our lives and become…within their fictional sphere of influence…somewhat legendary.

 

Conversely, movie characters don’t have the same opportunity to make an impression. Oh sure, we may get to know some over the course of a trilogy or series comprised of  multiple films, which undeniably provides such characters with an advantage in rankings like this, but most get one shot to make us remember them. It certainly helps if the movie itself is good and/or popular and becomes the kind of film that people watch over & over again years after its theatrical run, but even then movie characters have much less of a chance to crawl under our skin & make a lasting impression. For example, Harry Potter led eight films encompassing about 20 hours of screen time, while JR Ewing of Dallas was on television for about 357 hours over 14 years. Now I grant you, movie characters have a much bigger canvas. ..$100 million budgets, special effects, & more freedom to do really cool stuff or go to awesome locations television shows just cannot afford. But let’s face it…dozens of expensive films come & go from our local cineplex every year and disappear into the ether, rarely to be seen or spoken of again by the masses. So I submit to you that it takes a lot more than bucket loads of cash or cutting edge technology to make a movie character stand the test of time.

 

What exactly makes a character memorable?? Well, if I knew the correct answer I’d be pretty wealthy, but I suppose I do have a few opinions.

*It’s all about the writing. A well written character with snappy dialogue is a good jumping off point.

*Let’s not overlook the role of a casting director. I have no idea about the ins & outs of their daily grind, but matching what they read in a script to a performer who can bring those words to life seems like an important piece of the puzzle. Should the part be played by an unknown actor looking for their big break, or is there a beloved big screen icon who’d be perfect for the role?? I am always intrigued by stories written years later about various actors who turned down this or that movie, because it’s really interesting to imagine a different performer playing a character made famous by someone else.

*We cannot look past the costume designer. There is no shortage of fondly remembered movie characters well-known for their signature look, whether it is an accessory they always wear, a uniform they are rarely seen out of, a unique vehicle they drive, or some other visual that becomes an identifier. If kids are dressing up like a movie character at Halloween then someone somewhwere did something right.

*The value of a character’s name cannot be overstated. An Oscar winning actor might give the performance of a lifetime in a movie that makes a bazillion dollars, but if the character is named John Smith or Jennifer Jones they’re behind the proverbial 8-Ball when it comes to being remembered.

*Professional wrestlers play one of two roles…their character is either a babyface (good guy) or a heel (bad guy). Wrestlers want one thing when they perform in front of a crowd…a reaction. Whether a face is getting cheered or a heel is getting booed, as long as the crowd reacts one way or the other it’s all good. The concept is similar with film characters…whether we love them or hate them, cheer for them to overcome the odds or relish in their demise, the key is that moviegoers have some kind of reaction. Indifference is undesirable.

 

As was the case with TV characters, the fact is that my taste in movies is unique & as limited as anyone else’s, therefore universal agreement on this list is unlikely. There are allegedly great movies that I’ve never seen or didn’t particularly enjoy. You will not see Indiana Jones here because I have never watched one minute of any of those films. Y’all should know by now what kinds of movies I prefer, so don’t expect to see many action heroes or psycho killers from slasher flicks. Another thing you won’t see are characters from Christmas films because Santa Claus & George Bailey received love from me a few years ago.

 

A couple of things surprised me while working on this project. First of all, I’ve always heard actresses complain about lack of great roles for women, and I’ve got to admit that they may have a point. There are just over a dozen ladies on the list, and a few of those are part of a couple. It is likely that, as a guy, my attention leans in the direction of male roles, but I think there’s more to it than that. Secondly, as big of a sports fan as I am I couldn’t help but notice that only a few characters from treasured sports movies felt worthy of inclusion, which I never would’ve guessed at the outset.

 

I’ve decided to dive in by giving you just a small sample of what is to come, so we will begin with the first ten names to make the cut.

 

 

 

 

100   James Bond (various films)

Full disclosure: I have never actually watched any of the two dozen Bond films produced in the past sixty years. However, I feel like I have enough of a grasp of the character’s essence, and that he is a such a significant part of the pop culture zeitgeist that I cannot in good conscience leave him off the list. A British secret agent is a rather epic launchpad, and it doesn’t hurt when guys like Sean Connery, Roger Moore, & Pierce Brosnan bring him to life. Author Ian Fleming was an avid birdwatcher and borrowed the character’s name from a real life ornithologist who was an expert on birds of the Caribbean.

 

Quotes

“Bond…James Bond”

“A martini…shaken, not stirred”

 

 

99     Shooter McGavin (Happy Gilmore)

Golf villains aren’t really a thing, right?? I suppose Caddyshack and some other movies have portrayed country club types as uptight snobs, but that’s usually as far as it goes. Shooter McGavin takes things to a whole new level, albeit in a comedic way. He’s the top pro on the PGA Tour and has zero respect for oddball newcomer Happy Gilmore. A rivalry quickly develops, with Shooter buying the repossessed house of Happy’s grandmother at an auction & hiring a deranged fan to run over Happy with a car.

 

Quotes

“I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!”

 

 

 

98     Catherine Tramell (Basic Instinct)

With a single crossing of her leg Sharon Stone became an overnight sensation. History would prove the actress to be little more than a flash in the pan (pun unavoidable), but coldblooded sexpot Catherine is unforgettable. There was a sequel produced fourteen years later, but it was a box office bomb.

 

Quotes

“Killing isn’t like smoking. You can quit.”

“I’d have to be pretty stupid to write a book about killing and then kill somebody the way I described it in my book. I’d be announcing myself as the killer. I’m not stupid.”

“I finished my book. Didn’t you hear me? Your character’s dead. Goodbye. What do you want…flowers? I’ll send you an autographed copy.”

 

 

 

97     Lt. Col. Bill Kilgore (Apocalypse Now)

The cast of Apocalypse Now is incomparable. Marlon Brando. Martin Sheen. Dennis Hopper. Harrison Ford. Lawrence Fishburne. GD Spradlin. But in my humble opinion it is Robert Duval’s Kilgore that pops off of the screen.

 

Quotes

“I love the smell of napalm in the morning. You know, one time we had a hill bombed, for 12 hours. When it was all over, I walked up. We didn’t find one of ’em, not one stinkin’ dink body. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like . . . victory. Someday this war’s gonna end.”

 

 

 

96     Joan Crawford (Mommie Dearest)

Joan Crawford was a real life actress in mid-20th century Hollywood, but I think it is a fair assessment that nowadays she is probably best remembered for the memoir written by her adopted daughter Christina that painted Crawford as an alcoholic & an abusive mother. The book was adapted into a film in 1981, with Faye Dunaway in the lead role. I cannot pass judgment on the veracity of what Christina Crawford wrote, but if Joan Crawford was even half as crazy as what is portrayed in the movie it is difficult to imagine growing up in that household. Dunaway won a Golden Raspberry for Worst Actress and made entire generations of people unable to look at wire hangers the same way ever again.

 

Quotes

“NO… WIRE… HANGERS! What’s wire hangers doing in this closet when I told you NO WIRE HANGERS, EVER?! I work and work ’til I’m half-dead, and I hear people say, ‘She’s getting old.’ And what do I get? A daughter… who cares as much about the beautiful dresses I give her as she cares about me! WHAT’S WIRE HANGERS DOING IN THIS CLOSET?! ANSWER ME! I buy you beautiful dresses, and you treat them like they were some dishrag! You do! $300 dress on a wire hanger?”

 

 

95     Alex Forrest (Fatal Attraction)

Well, there may not be enough great roles for women in Hollywood, but as long as the “crazy chick” trope is alive & well they’ll have a few solid opportunities. Alex is the nutjob that Michael Douglas has sex with in an elevator, who then becomes obsessed with him & stalks his family. Ever hear the term “bunny cooker”?? It originated with Fatal Attraction & Alex Forrest.

 

Quotes

“We were attracted to each other at the party…that was obvious. You’re on your own for the night…that’s also obvious. We’re two adults.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do? You won’t answer my calls, you change your number. I mean, I’m not gonna be ignored, Dan!”

 

 

94     Napoleon Dynamite (Napoleon Dynamite)

Perhaps I’m too old, or maybe just obtuse, but I don’t really get this movie. Having said that, the titular character as portrayed by Jon Heder is so…unique…that he does make me chuckle, and he has a few quotable scenes that have withstood the relentless march of time.

 

Quotes

“Sorry I’m late. I just got done taming a wild honeymoon stallion for you guys.”

” I caught you a delicious bass.”

“Pedro offers you his protection.”

 

 

93     The Hanson Brothers (Slapshot)

Paul Newman may be the star of Slapshot, but three dimwitted hockey goons steal the show. The plot centers around a minor league team on the verge of folding, so an idea is hatched to put all that winning & losing stuff aside and focus on entertaining the crowd with violence. Enter the fierce trio with shoulder length hair & horn-rimmed glasses. Their “look” contrasted with the aggression they display on the ice and their childish demeanor off the ice is an amusing blend, and I think it helps that the young men portraying the characters were real hockey players, and more importantly not professional actors.

 

Quotes

“Hey ya think they show Speed Racer here?”

 

 

 

92     Max Goldman & John Gustafson (Grumpy/Grumpier Old Men)

Walter Matthau & Jack Lemmon famously brought Neil Simon’s Odd Couple duo of Oscar Madison & Felix Unger to the big screen in 1968, but a quarter century later they reunited as two old codgers in the frozen tundra of Minnesota who have been frienemies since childhood. Max & John insult each other, play ultimately benign pranks, & have similar taste in women. It’s delightful family fun, and one can’t help but like these guys.

 

Quotes

“Hypothermia’s a bitch. It ain’t quick like a stroke.” (Max)

“Morning, dickhead.” (Max)   “Hello, moron.” (John)

“If my dog was as ugly as you, I’d shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards.” (Max)

“I am the gangster of love” (Max) “Gangster, huh? So tell me, was it more of a hold up than a stick up?” (John)

 

 

 

91     Peter Gibbons & Bill Lumbergh (Office Space)

A shoutout to my former colleague Brad, who introduced me to Office Space a year or two after its fairly uneventful & mostly unprofitable theatrical release. The movie is populated with colorful characters, but two stand out. Anyone who has ever had a mundane, soul sucking, white collar job can identify with Peter, a guy who is drowning in misery until a session with a hypnotist goes awry, leaving him with the newly tranquil philosophy “it’s not that I’m lazy…it’s that I just don’t care”. Lumbergh is how many people perceive their boss…mostly oblivious, slightly dense, & completely unappreciative, focused solely on forcing underpaid employees to sacrifice their lives for the company. Obviously the movie is satire…most employees aren’t quite as despondent as Peter, and most supervisors aren’t a total dufus like Lumbergh. However, I believe that a big reason that Office Space found new life on home video and became a “cult classic” is that there are strains of truth running thru the film, and we see a bit of our own professional lives reflected in such a way that we get a good laugh out of it.

 

Quotes

“Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about mission statements!” (Peter)

“Ah, ah, I almost forgot… I’m also going to need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday, too. We, uhhh, lost some people this week and we sorta need to play catch-up. Mmmmmkay? Thaaaaaanks.” (Lumbergh)

“I did absolutely nothing and it was everything I thought it could be.” (Peter)

“If you could do that, that would be great.” (Lumbergh)

“I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that’s on the worst day of my life.” (Peter)

“I’d say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.” (Peter)

“Oooo…yeahhhh, ummm…I’m gonna have to go ahead and sort of disagree with you there. Yeah, uh, he’s been real flaky lately, and I’m just not sure that he’s the caliber person that we would want for upper management. He’s also been having some problems with his TPS reports.” (Lumbergh)

“That’s my only real motivation is not to be hassled, that and the fear of losing my job. But you know Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired.” (Peter)

 

 

 

That’s all you get for now!! We’ll be back soon with the next installment of our countdown.

2019 Pigskin Picks of Profundity…Week 6

Friends, it’s October and still 80+ degrees most days here in Appalachia, and I must say that I’m loving it. I know those grey, damp, depressing days are coming, so I’m going to enjoy the sunshine as much as possible while it lasts. At any rate, y’all didn’t come here to discuss meteorology, you are interested in football. Things have been admittedly a little more…overcast…in that area for me, with the Steelers, Herd,& Mountaineers all staring mediocrity in the face and my fantasy teams struggling for a variety of reasons. A week ago Zach & I were both once again 3-2, meaning that I am still clinging to the season lead. Since this is my birthday weekend we’re going to celebrate with bonus picks, which may or may not be a wise decision. Enjoy.

My Season:   15-13

Zach’s Season:   13-15

 

 

 

 

 

Auburn (-2)                  at                Florida

Do I believe that either team will ultimately compete for the SEC title?? No. However right now both are undefeated and sitting inside the Top Ten. Of the two I think Auburn is the more talented team, but going into The Swamp is no easy task. This will probably be a close game, but it seems likely that the Tigers’ defense will wear down the Gators’ offense and score a tight victory. Zach really likes Auburn’s young QB and thinks he’ll make the difference.

My Pick:     Auburn

Z’s Pick:     Auburn

 

 

 

Georgia (-24)               at               Tennessee

A couple of things are intriguing here. Few people believe that the 1-3 Vols stand any chance to defeat the Bulldogs. However, the game is in Knoxville so never say never. Secondly, the 3+ touchdown spread is fascinating. Tennessee was beaten by 31 points by Florida a couple of weeks ago…but that was in the aforementioned Swamp. Can they do better at home?? It doesn’t hurt that the underdogs are also coming off of a bye week, but then again so is Georgia. Y’all know I get nervous about points like this, but it feels like another go big or go home moment, and I did have Georgia as a playoff team in the pre-season so now is a good time to show my faith in them. Zach concurs.

My Pick:     Georgia

Z’s Pick:     Georgia

 

 

 

Maryland (-12)             at                Rutgers

Maryland has been all over the place this season. The 2-2 Terrapins have won a game by 79 points and lost a game by 59 points. That’s quite a swing. Meanwhile, the Scarlet Knights are 1-3 and haven’t had a winning season since 2014. I have no idea what to make of Maryland…they’re schizophrenic and no one knows which team might show up. If the good Terrapins make the trip to New Jersey they will win easily, but if not…well, I have a feeling Rutgers could pull off an upset. Zach has faith in Maryland’s running game and thinks they’ll win easily.

My Pick:     Rutgers

Z’s Pick:     Maryland

 

 

 

Virginia Tech              at                Miami (FL) (-14)

Both teams probably had high hopes just a month ago, and I know I had much more faith in the Hokies than I should have. The Hurricanes have beaten two teams they should have and lost to two legit teams. Tech has pretty much had the same kind of season thus far. So which team can use this game as a launchpad for improvement?? Well, I suppose the smart money would be on the home team, but I’m feeling a little rebellious so I’m going the other way. Zach recognizes that this is a rivalry game, but believes the ‘Canes will break out the infamous Turnover Chain enough to win & cover.

My Pick:     Virginia Tech

Z’s Pick:     Miami (FL)

 

 

 

Jacksonville               at                Carolina (-4)

The Panthers will once again be without QB Cam Newton, but since backup Kyle Allen has looked pretty good that’s not as horrible as it could be. The Jags backup QB Gardner Minshew has quickly become some sort of a folk hero, which no one could have seen coming a few weeks ago. I don’t know if either quarterback will be starting a year from now, but at the moment they’ve kept their teams competitive and deserve kudos. I don’t believe either will be playoff contenders, but for the time being this looks like an important contest. I like Jacksonville’s defense, yet Carolina has the home field. I may regret it, but I’m banking on the home team to get a game winning touchdown and cover the points. Conversely, Zach likes the Jags’ defense to do just enough to secure the win.

My Pick:     Carolina

Z’s Pick:     Jacksonville

 

 

Atlanta                at                Houston (-5)

Some may disagree, but I think Houston is clearly the superior team, even if their record isn’t that much better. They haven’t played their best football yet, and if they can put it all together I don’t believe a double digit victory is out of the question. Zach doesn’t think the Falcons are any good, but also doesn’t think Houston is that much better. He’s predicting a defensive battle decided…one way or another…by less than five points.

My Pick:     Houston

Z’s Pick:     Atlanta

 

  

Tampa Bay                  at                New Orleans (-5)

The Bucs are probably one of the bigger surprises in the NFL, even at 2-2. An upset victory over the defending NFC Champions on the road tends to provide such cachet. The Saints are one of several teams playing without their starting quarterback, but they seem to have confidence in backup Teddy Bridgewater. Y’all might recall that New Orleans was my pre-season Super Bowl pick, and I’m not ready to give up on them just yet. Zach is a rebel, so he is predicting an upset…or atleast a very close game in which New Orleans doesn’t cover the points.

My Pick:     New Orleans

Z’s Pick:     Tampa Bay

 

  

Green Bay                   at                Dallas (-4)

Both are 3-1. Both lead their division. Each team has one of the better quarterbacks in the league. Dallas usually has one of the best offensive lines, but half of that group is injured, which is huge. Which defense will reign supreme?? Contrary to what most may think, I don’t foresee a high scoring shootout. The over/under is 47, and I’d go with the under. I like the Packers’ kicker just a bit more, and predict a field goal victory for the underdogs. Zach likes a motivated Aaron Rodgers to rebound after last week’s loss and get a tough road win.

My Pick:     Green Bay

Z’s Pick:     Green Bay