The Lord of the Rings

Top 100 Books of All Time (Allegedly, But Probably Not) – Part Deux

If you have not already perused Part 1 please do so. We’ll leave the light on for you.

An old friend of mine once observed that I “live in a library”, and he wasn’t wrong. My humble abode boasts about ten bookcases. Having said that, allow me to drop a truth bomb: I am a fraud…kind of. One of my favorite television shows is the 90’s sitcom Frasier, and I always admired Frasier & Niles Crane. Educated. Classy. Well-dressed. Cultured. However, the truth is that I am much closer in temperament to their father Martin…just a simple guy who prefers ball games, comfy t-shirts, and iced tea to opera, tailored suits, and fine wine. Looking at lists like the one we are perusing makes me realize that I am not particularly well-read, atleast by others’ lofty standards. I am much more inclined to enjoy a great sports biography or a cultural examination of food than most of the “great” books you’ll see mentioned here. So be it. I am at a point in my life when I am unlikely to change course, which is fine.

26 Catch-22 / Joseph Heller

A catch-22 is “is a paradoxical situation from which an individual cannot escape because of contradictory rules or limitations”, or “a problematic situation for which the only solution is denied by a circumstance inherent in the problem or by a rule”. Same thing. The term was actually coined by Heller for the book, but if you want to find out the details you’ll need to read it yourself. No spoilers here, except that the story is a satire set during WWII.

27 2666 / Roberto Bolaño

I had to look this one up, and it doesn’t sound like my cup o’ tea. If you’re more familiar with the book feel free to try & change my mind.

28 The Recognitions / William Gaddis

Another book that I’d never heard a peep about in all my years on the planet. It sounds like it’d be long & boring. No thanks.

29 The Book of the New Sun / Gene Wolfe

We’re establishing a theme…supposedly great books that I’ve never heard of in my life. I’m not saying that’s an accurate metric. The older I get the more I realize just how small & meaningless my life has been. However, this whole thing is about me & my taste in books. There’s a lot of other great sci-fi that I’d love to get to eventually, so I doubt this makes the cut.

30 The Sound & The Fury / William Faulkner

Faulkner wrote a few well-regarded novels, and I’d like to get around to them eventually.

31 V / Thomas Pynchon

My initial reaction is to recall a godawful TV miniseries from the 1980s in which a race of lizard-like aliens invade Earth & disguise themselves as humans. However, the V referenced here is the 1963 debut novel of Thomas Pynchon, who has gone on to write Gravity’s Rainbow, Inherent Vice, and a few others. I think I’d lean toward giving those other works a go, and if I really get into Pynchon perhaps I’ll circle back to his first novel.

32 Journey to the End of the Night / Louis-Ferdinand Céline

I’ve never heard of it, and after reading the description I’m not the least bit interested.

33 The Catcher in the Rye / JD Salinger

I’ve read it, but I think it was too late. If I’d read it as a 16 year old boy I may have found Holden Caulfield relatable, but as a grown man I view him as an annoying kid and perceive the book as overhyped.

34 A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man / James Joyce

Joyce has snagged another spot, but I’m not sure I am as intrigued by this book as I am the others. Maybe.

35 The Book of Disquiet / Fernando Pessoa

I read a description that called it a “masterpiece beyond comparison”, which sets the bar pretty high. I won’t dismiss it out of hand, but I’m not sure it is something I’d purposely seek out.

36 Faust / Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I find the idea of a Faustian pact, in which a person actually sells their soul to The Devil, fascinating in a disturbing kind of way. However, since I already understand the concept do I need to spend 500 pages reading about it?? Probably not.

37 The Metamorphosis / Frank Kafka

We’ve already mentioned Kafka, and this is generally considered his masterpiece. It’s actually a short story, so I’ll give it a whirl eventually.

38 Siddhartha / Hermann Hesse

I’ve seen this book mentioned in passing thru the years but had no idea what it was about. The title is a Sanskrit word that translates to “he who has found meaning”. I have nothing against deep & profound, but I’ve got to be in just the right mood. It’s a pretty short book, so perhaps I’ll grab a copy somewhere.

39 The Master & Margarita / Mikhail Bulgakov

I only heard of this book in the past year, and since I occasionally enjoy a tasty margarita the title stuck in my mind. However, I’m pretty sure there is no tequila or lime juice involved. My research indicates it is a dark satire about Satan visiting The Soviet Union, which sounds like it might be a fun read.

40 The Lord of the Rings / JRR Tolkien

You’ve probably heard of it. Full disclosure: I’ve tried a couple of times to get thru the entire trilogy & failed. I don’t think I even watched all of the critically acclaimed movies. I really love The Hobbit though.

41 The Picture of Dorian Gray / Oscar Wilde

The Faustian Pact is back, and I am intrigued. Oscar Wilde’s personal life may be more fascinating than his books though.

42 Mason & Dixon / Thomas Pynchon

Pynchon is an American and he’s still alive, so that kind of makes him an outlier amongst all the authors listed here. I guess you’d call the book historical fiction, which is kind of in my wheelhouse.

43 The Idiot / Fyodor Dostoevsky

Dostoevsky sure seems to get a lot of love from the folks on /lit/. Have a bunch of Russians infiltrated the site?? Who knows?? At any rate, my research indicates that the story deals with the protagonist’s “most intense personal ordeals, such as epilepsy & mock execution”, and “explores moral, spiritual, & philosophical themes.” Ol’ Fyodor must’ve been lots of fun at parties, huh?? 👀

44 A Confederacy of Dunces / John Kennedy Toole

What a great title!! Are we talking about stupid people during The Civil War?? Actually, no. The story is set in 1960’s New Orleans. It won the Pulitzer Prize a decade after the depressed author had committed suicide at the age of 31. He only wrote two books in his short life, with the other one (The Neon Bible) having been completed at the age of 16 but not published until two decades after his death.

45 Pale Fire / Vladimir Nabokov

Nabokov wrote this lesser known story a few years after the success of Lolita. It’s a short book, so perhaps I’ll give it a whirl someday.

46 Slaughterhouse Five / Kurt Vonnegut

I am ashamed to admit that I’ve not read it. I own it, but that’s a whole different thing. World War II seems to be a popular setting for these “great” books, which might be part of the problem. My father was really into war movies & documentaries when I was a kid, and as you might imagine I found the subject matter quite tedious. I am much more inclined to read things related to The Civil War or The Revolutionary War. I realize that doesn’t make much sense, but it is what it is.

47 Brave New World / Aldous Huxley

Much like 1984 I feel like this is a book worthy of being reread, because decades ago I had no idea how much “fiction” would seep into my reality.

48 No Longer Human / Osamu Dazai

I’ve never heard of it, but apparently it’s a Japanese novel that “presents recurring themes in the author’s life, including suicide, social alienation, and depression”. Okay, so here’s the thing…I prefer books much the same as I do movies: uplifting, fun, delightful. I stopped watching The Oscars many years ago because it seems like the only films that critics appreciate are real downers. Is it the same thing with books?? To be considered “great” does a book need to be bleak & somber?? That’s just not how I roll.

49 Paradise Lost / John Milton

I don’t know…can’t I just read my Bible?? Y’all know how I feel about epic poems at this point. I am absolutely sure we studied it in school, or atleast parts of it. That may have to suffice.

50 Les Miserables / Victor Hugo

Titling your novel The Miserables is terribly poor marketing. While I have an affinity for historical fiction as it relates to American history I am much less interested in French history, unless it traces the origins of fries, kissing, or toast. The story has been adapted multiple times into movies & stage plays, but I don’t have any interest in those either.

We’re halfway there!! Stay tuned!!

Random Factoids, Or Getting To Know The Godfather of Cyberspace

I am not normally one to follow the crowd, but this seemed like a fun little challenge. It’s been a meme on Facebook for years, but my buddy Slack was my true inspiration. I’ve chosen 38 because that’s my age. This stuff may be interesting to only me, but maybe…just maybe…citizens of The Manoverse will enjoy getting to know your humble Potentate of Profundity just a little better.

 

 

 

1          I’ve never been to the beach or flown in an airplane. I hope to do both sometime relatively soon.

2          My guilty pleasures: Dancing with the Stars, professional wrestling, American Idol, and soap operas.


3          I went to a Starbucks once. That same day I rented videos from Blockbuster. I’ve never been back to either establishment. Just because something is expensive doesn’t mean it’s good.


4          In 1977 I became the first “mainstreamed” handicap child in my county. However, the powers-that-be still made me attend both a “normal” kindergarten and a class for “special” children. On the 2nd day at the “special” school the teacher called to tell my Mom that I was not mentally impaired, to which my Mom replied “I know that, but try convincing the Board of Education”. Not only was I not impaired but a few years later I was found to be gifted. Unfortunately I’ve gotten dumber over the years.

5          My initials are my name – S A M

6          I rarely wear long sleeves, even in winter…except for dress shirts. Short sleeve dress shirts look tacky.

7          Both my father and a teacher in junior high told me I should be a writer. I regret not listening to them and following that path professionally, although I suppose The Manofesto is some small morsel of redemption.


8          I liked both incarnations of Van Halen, with David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar. I don’t really count the brief Gary Cherone era.

9          Zippers frustrate me.

10       I played trombone in the band from 6th thru 12th grades. I sold my instrument 2 weeks after graduating. I wanted to play trumpet at first, but because I am sitting down all the time in a wheelchair I couldn’t really get enough wind going, so my grade school band instructor suggested trombone. It was fun, but it’s not exactly a party instrument.

11       I know very little about cars except how to drive one, and I’m not especially good at that.

12       I was once defeated in billiards by a man who was legally blind. Seriously.


13       My preferred liquor of choice was always vodka. I was never one to drink anything straight, and fruity drinks like screwdrivers or sex-on-the-beach were more my style. I am a beer snob as well…no Bud Light or Coors for this guy. However, these days I can usually be found partaking of an ice cold glass of milk, a bottle of water, or a tall glass of iced tea.


14       I sang in two talent shows in grade school. In 2nd or 3rd grade (I don’t recall exactly which year) I sang Sandy from the Grease soundtrack. In 4th or 5th grade (that fuzzy memory again) I sang Love in the First Degree by country supergroup Alabama. I didn’t win either time…atleast I don’t recall if I did.

15       I rarely wear white because I inevitably spill something on it.

16       I was ambidextrous as a child but had a teacher that “broke me” of it, as if it were a bad habit like sniffing glue or watching Pauley Shore movies. I am now right handed.


17       The infomercial for SlapChop is hysterically funny to me.


18       I really love fantasy football. Fantasy baseball…not so much.

19       I never learned how to swim or whistle.

20       I don’t particularly care for coconut or sprinkles.

21       In college I took a Shakespeare class and really rather enjoyed it. Surprisingly I found it much more interesting than my Psychology of Sex class.

22       I own a Kindle, but I still prefer the feel of a good old-fashioned book in my hand.

23       Coffee doesn’t really keep me awake.

24       I adore everything about Christmas…the lights, the music, the movies, the smells, the food, the familial togetherness, the wistful nostalgia that makes me want to be a kid again, and of course, the fact that my Lord & Savior was born and eventually died and rose again to wash away my sin.


25       My paternal great grandparents…my grandfather’s parents…both came to West Virginia separately from San Giovanni i Fiore in Calabria, Italy in the early 1900’s. There is a rumor that my great grandfather killed a man in New York before coming to WV, but nobody knows for sure.


26       Thunderstorms scared the daylights out of me as a child, but now I rather enjoy them.

27       I have had 27 surgical procedures. The first when I was a newborn, the latest when I was 35 years old. Oddly enough I still have my tonsils though.

28       Inevitably after surgery I was placed on a liquid or semi-liquid diet. To this day I don’t really like popsicles or sherbet because they bring back bad hospital memories.

29       The best concerts I have ever seen: Boston at Star Lake Amphitheater in Pittsburgh, Van Halen at the Charleston (WV) Civic Center, REO Speedwagon at the Huntington (WV) Regatta, The Eagles at Polaris Amphitheater in Columbus, OH, and Kansas at the Veterans Memorial Amphitheater in Clarksburg, WV.

30       Grapes and grape products cause me…intestinal issues, as does anything with heat, i.e. peppers, hot sauce, cayenne pepper, etc.

31       I have a strange fascination with pens and office products.

32         Movies I have never seen: Citizen Kane, 2/3 of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, On the Waterfront, Schindler’s List, The Matrix, The Big Lebowski, and the Indiana Jones series.

33       I have an irrational dislike of the number 3 and its multiples.


34       My two dream vacations are Las Vegas and Italy. I once had a “Christian” friend say to me that “I don’t know if I’d want to be walking down The Strip in Vegas when Jesus returns”. He & I don’t talk anymore, because I may want to see Wayne Newton and The Fountains at Bellagio, but atleast I have never…well, you know what…never mind. Let’s just say I know my strengths & weaknesses, and I am quite comfortable with my choice of potential leisure destinations.


35       I am not a huge fan of most seafood, but I dig sushi.

36       Speaking of which, fishing bores me, as do video games.

37       When writing anything in the form of a question I use double question marks. It’s just my thing.

38       Little things that make me smile: Snuggling with my puppy…he’s so soft, warm, and cuddly. A glass of iced tea & a gentle breeze on a warm summer day. A big win by my favorite teams – Pittsburgh Steelers, Marshall Thundering Herd, & WV Mountaineers. The aroma of Italian food. A really restful night’s sleep, even if I have my usual Wacky Dreams. Puns. Getting really into a fun & interesting book. People who do funny spot-on impressions. Deep philosophical discussions with my brother The Owl. Anything with BBQ sauce. Nascar night races. What my pal Marc calls “sippin’ music”, i.e simple, stripped down jazz or blues without a lot of extra effects. When it’s still daylight at 8pm. Trivia. Laughter, whether it is my own or someone else’s. Dessert. Nakey Time at The Bachelor Palace…even if I’m alone (which is always). Taking a really good picture. A woman with a beautiful smile, regardless of whether or not she knows I exist (she usually doesn’t). Watching golf on TV, especially the final round of a major. Getting a haircut. Popcorn & chocolate covered peanuts while watching a movie in the theater. When a really kickass song comes on the radio while I’m driving.


 

Superfluous 7 – Fictional Characters With Whom I’d Like To Hang Out

Awhile back I read a book called The 101 Most Influential People Who Never Lived. It wasn’t quite what I thought it was going to be when I made the impulse purchase, skewing a bit too much toward the analytical and academic instead of the lighthearted and interesting. The authors made a point of emphasizing that their list was based on influence and not popularity. Many of the conclusions reached were curious, some in a good way and some in a real head scratching sort of way. Rosie the Riveter, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Barbie (the doll) made their list. The Marlboro Man was #1. Meanwhile, Fonzie and Rocky Balboa are nowhere to be found. So I decided to make my own, much shorter list. My criteria isn’t based on popularity or influence. The question I asked myself was simply “Who would it be cool to hang out with??” Now let me be very clear…I am not simply talking about meeting them or doing an interview. I am talking about spending a weekend or maybe a summer with a person, becoming involved in their daily life. Michael Corleone is an awesome character, but really…who wants to become part of the mafia with all the guns and blood?? Shakespeare created many memorable characters, but a lot of them are unstable and end up dead. I love Forrest Gump, but I think he may get on my nerves after awhile. So I thought about who it would be fun to converse with and learn from, or just have a good time with. It was difficult to narrow down to seven, but the mission was accomplished. Who would you enjoy chillin’ with if you had the opportunity and the line between fiction and reality was not only blurred but eliminated?? Don’t hesitate to let me know…after you enjoy…..

 

 

 

from the home office in Spasticsville, Kansas…..

 

 

 

The Superfluous 7 Fictional Characters With Whom I’d Like To Hang Out:

 

 

7 The Duke Boys

I am a child of the 80’s, and every Friday night from 1979-1985 I could not wait for The Dukes of Hazzard to come on television. It is only now, 25 years later, that I can truly appreciate the show (and I mean that sincerely). Was the acting great and the writing superb?? No. But no one ever got killed, and the crimes committed were pretty benign. Hazzard County seems like it would be a cool little town in which to live, as long as one doesn’t get on the bad side of Boss Hogg & Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane…and even then they are actually rather tame as far as villains go. Now I am resisting the urge to write about what I would do if given the chance to spend some quality time with Daisy, instead taking the high road and choosing to chillax with Bo & Luke. Did they have jobs?? What did they do all day other than run the roads in the General Lee and occasionally throw back a cold one at The Boar’s Nest?? I suppose they helped Uncle Jesse by doing most of the heavy lifting on the farm, but that’s okay…a little elbow grease and sweat never hurt anyone. I’m not much of a fast driver, but I could handle being a passenger as the guys race around evading the law. I imagine it’d get the ol’ blood pumping, especially when a washed out bridge forces one of those cool jumps. I could grip the roll bar and yell “Yeeeee-haaaaaa”. Mostly I can just see myself enjoying the slow pace, the good people, and the relative innocence of a place like Hazzard and learning the essence of being a cool country boy from The Dukes. And yes…I’d probably hit on Daisy.

 

 

6 Bilbo Baggins

There is a reason I specifically chose Bilbo Baggins. His nephew Frodo is a character we get to know much more in depth, as he is the main protagonist in all the Lord of the Rings books/movies. In contrast, Bilbo is the focus in only one shorter book, The Hobbit. But Frodo’s adventure is so long, grueling, and dangerous that it doesn’t seem like it’d be much fun to be in his proximity. As a matter of fact, because of that damn Ring (The One to rule them all) Frodo’s life and the lives of everyone around him becomes way too scary. Bilbo’s adventure in The Hobbit is not without peril, but it is much shorter and less fraught with life-in-the-balance moments. However, if I were to hang out with Bilbo it would not be in the midst of an adventure at all. I would want to hang out in The Shire with he and the other hobbits. The Shire is a quiet, idyllic land where the hobbits enjoy simple things like eating, drinking, smoking, and being social. The hobbits enjoy gardening and live off the fat of the land. It is a simple place and they are simple folk, which I like. Bilbo is a good storyteller and definitely has some stories to tell, plus he is pals with the wizard Gandalf, so one never knows when he might pop in.

 

 

5 Batman/Bruce Wayne

Batman is the ultimate example of bi-polar disorder. How cool would it be to hang out with him?? During the day one could enjoy the lavish lifestyle of billionaire Bruce Wayne, and at night get a taste of adventure as The Dark Night trolls the seedy underbelly of Gotham City exacting vigilante justice. I would LOVE to ride shotgun in The Batmobile and of course chill in the ultimate man cave, The Bat Cave. I am not much for physicality, but it’d be intriguing to try to outwit villains like The Riddler, Catwoman, and The Penguin. While Batman doesn’t seem like much of a conversationalist his alter ego, Bruce Wayne, is charming and charismatic. And since I would know his secret we could have rather fascinating discussions. Trying to get inside the head of a man who was emotionally scarred as a child by seeing his parents gunned down and who uses that trauma as a reason to dress up like a bat and fight crime…well call me crazy, but that sounds like fun.

 

 

4 Sheriff Andy Taylor

It has long been my opinion that the happiest place on Earth is not Disney World, but rather the town of Mayberry. I am too young to have caught The Andy Griffith Show when it first aired in the 60’s, but forty years after it was cancelled generations of people like me are still invited into the lives of Andy, Opie, Barney, and Aunt Bea thanks to reruns. And while Barney Fife is one of the funniest characters in television history and we all love Opie because we have literally seen Ron Howard grow from a small boy to an Oscar winning director and a grandfather, for me the heart & soul of the show and the town is Sheriff Andy. It may seem like a trite cliché, but Andy Taylor is a good man. He is kind, wise, understanding, and tough. He’s a great Dad, a good friend, and good at his job. I have reached a point in my life where I see that running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to impress people and achieve what the world defines as success is akin to a cat chasing its tale…an exercise in futility. Faith, family, and friendship are the most important things in life. I think a man like Sheriff Taylor understands that, and I would enjoy immensely the opportunity to sit on the front porch sipping some iced tea, picking a little on the ol’ guitar, and shooting the breeze with him.

 

 

3 Captain Jean-Luc Picard

This was a tough call. Thanks to my good friend The Owl I am a Trekkie, and the Star Trek Universe is polluted with memorable characters. I love Bones McCoy, but I really can’t see myself voluntarily spending time with a doctor. Scotty is cool, but I am not an engineer either. Spock is interesting, but really…would he even understand the concept of chillaxing?? ‘Tis not very logical afterall. Captain Kirk is awesome, but a little too intense and adventurous for my tastes. I like to keep things low key. Captain Picard is more my speed. He is less of a swashbuckler and more of an intellectual, an educated man with eclectic interests in classical music, literature, archaeology, fencing, and physics. Picard is the type of guy one could probably sit and listen to for hours, even if he is so smart that the majority of what he is saying goes way above your head. Captain Kirk would be fun to party with and you’d definitely want him on your side in a fight, but Picard is someone to learn from and gain insight about the world.

 

 

2 Santa Claus

Oh come on…who wouldn’t want to hang out with Santa Claus?? And I am not just talking about on Christmas Eve as he makes his journey around the globe delivering presents and eating cookies. I want to spend all year with Old Saint Nick. How does he know when we are sleeping and when we are awake?? How does he know whether we’ve been bad or good?? How does he know exactly what every child wants for Christmas?? Precisely when does he check The List twice and how much time does that take?? Who compiles The List in the first place?? What kind of set up does The North Pole have as far as manufacturing all the latest gadgets kids want these days?? Most of us are selfish and not the least bit concerned about the needs of others, so why is Santa so different?? Why is he so giving and what lead him down this career path?? What is the economic situation for him personally and professionally since he just gives presents away?? Does he get a cut of the profits from stores like WalMart, Sears, Amazon.com, and Best Buy?? What is the deal with the elves?? These are things I need to know people!!

 

 

1 Sherlock Holmes

I have been a huge Sherlockian since junior high school. I have read each of the 56 short stories and 4 novels countless times and enjoy them tremendously. I think maybe the coolest job in history was Watson’s. I would love love love to be Watson, hanging out with Holmes and then writing about all his adventures. I realize that Sir Arthur Conan Doyle makes Victorian London seem far more awesome than it probably was in reality, but that’s okay. Doyle’s London is an odd mix of quaint, mysterious, dangerous, and romantic. Holmes wouldn’t need to flip through endless channels of mind numbing idiocy even if the technology were available to him. He’s got plenty to keep him busy. If he’s not out solving some of the oddest crimes ever conceived he is conducting chemistry experiments in his living room, writing an academic treatise on various types of soil or poisons, or playing his violin. One would never get bored hanging out with Sherlock Holmes, except during those times of languid inactivity when he takes to shooting up cocaine. That’d be when I’d have to leave and visit someone else on the list. At any rate, spending time at 221B Baker Street would encompass meeting all sorts of strange people, trudging through the streets of London at all hours of the day & night in search of answers, and most of all learning at the feet of quite possibly the smartest man in history.

 

 

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