JRR Tolkien

TOP 100 BOOKS OF ALL TIME (ALLEGEDLY, BUT PROBABLY NOT) – The Conclusion

If you’re late to the party…no worries. Just go here, here, and here to catch up, then rejoin us right here.

I’ve done the math. Of the hundred books on this list there are 38 that I have read or want to read eventually. There are 32 that I have absolutely no interest in whatsoever. And most interesting…atleast to me…is that there are 33 books, or about 1/3 of a list of ostensibly greatest of all time, that I’ve never heard of in my half century on the planet. Now, I’ve never claimed to be a top flight intellectual. I’m just a middle class dude in Appalachia with a college education that’s never done me much good, who has made more than enough poor choices and run into my fair share of misfortune. To paraphrase Marlon Brando, I could’ve been a contender…I could’ve been somebody. What might have been will haunt me til my dying day. However, having said all of that, I have a difficult time believing that a ranking like this has nearly three dozen books totally unknown to me.

76 The Hobbit / JRR Tolkien

The final installation of this exercise is off to a great start!! I freakin’ love The Hobbit. Pay no attention to the subpar movies and just read the damn book!!

77 The Man Without Qualities / Robert Musil

Two red flags…a “modernist” novel written in Germany (cause we all know how delightfully fun those wacky Germans are). Also, it spans multiple volumes and nearly 2000 pages. No way. Not happening.

78 Tristram Shandy / Laurence Sterne

It is a “autobiography ” of a completely fictional character set in 18th century France. That just doesn’t sound the least bit interesting to me.

79 JR / William Gaddis

Described as a satirical farce in which a Long Island 6th grader gets rich trading penny stocks thru the mail. It’s a huge 700+ page book, but I am intrigued.

80 As I Lay Dying / William Faulkner

More Faulkner. Described as “a grim yet darkly humorous pilgrimage” in which a dead woman’s family sets out to fulfill her dying wish to be buried in her hometown. I think I’ll give it a whirl.

81 Steppenwolf / Hermann Hesse

First things first…yes, the 70’s rock band known for hits like Magic Carpet Ride & Born to Be Wild DID take their name from the book, which is cool. In German a steppe wolf is another name for a grey wolf native to the Caspian Sea, the world’s largest inland body of water that borders both Russia & Iran. The novel is described as “one man’s spiritual journey towards self-knowledge”, with the framing device of a book within a book. It’s pretty short, and I am inclined to check it out.

82 Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland / Lewis Carroll

Did I read it as a child?? Probably. I feel like I have a basic knowledge of the plot. Should I read it again as an adult?? Would that be weird, given the fact that I don’t have kids of my own??

83 The Name of the Rose / Umberto Eco

An Italian murder mystery published in 1980 when I was 8 years old. I’ve never heard of it, and since it’s around 600 pages the likelihood of me caring enough to read it is doubtful.

84 Republic / Plato

I always get the Greek philosophers mixed up. The author of this book, Plato, learned from Socrates then went on to teach Aristotle. Philosophy. Ethics. Politics. All subjects that interest me in small doses, but if I haven’t read the whole book by now it is unlikely that I will.

85 The Confessions / St. Augustine

Saint Augustine of Hippo was a 4th century philosopher & theologian in Northern Africa. It is an autobiographical story about the author’s troubled youth & his spiritual growth. It’s one of those books that part of me feels like I should read, but I’m not sure if I can persuade myself to do so.

86 Wuthering Heights / Emily Brontë

Much like the Greek philosophers, I tend to get the Brontë sisters confused. Emily wrote this one, which is about love, class warfare, & revenge. I’m not sure it’s my cup o’ tea, but it is rather short so I’ll give it a go someday.

87 If On a Winter’s Night, A Traveler / Italo Calvino

Never heard of it. Weird title. It’s a book about a guy trying to read a book, which is very meta. Absolutely nothing about this revs my engine.

88 The Pale King / David Foster Wallace

Wallace’s story intrigues me, but I think I’ll tackle Infinite Jest and be happy with that. An unfinished novel by definition shouldn’t be put on a pedestal simply due to tragic circumstances. I mean, really…it’s not finished 👀.

89 The Tunnel / William H. Gass

I can tell that the readers responsible for these rankings are young since several books emanate from the 1980’s onward. That’s not a criticism, just an observation. The Tunnel was published in 1995, though I’d never heard of it until now. It sounds…complex, but not in a good way. I believe my time is better spent on other things.

90 A Hero of Our Time / Mikhail Lermontov

How many Russian novelists are there?!?!?!?? Atleast this dude isn’t as verbose as Tolstoy & Dostoevsky, but I’m still not interested.

91 The Aeneid / Virgil

It’s like the RC Cola of epic poems. Let me get thru The Iliad & The Odyssey (maybe) and perhaps I’ll give this one a whirl.

92 A Clockwork Orange / Anthony Burgess

The 1971 Kubrick movie is probably more well-known. I tend to go against the crowd though, so I am more likely to read the book.

93 Kafka on the Shore / Haruki Murakami

I’m a little surprised that Murakami’s more recent IQ84 didn’t make the cut, although it is a much lengthier work. Both books are high on my list, and I’ll get around to them eventually.

94 Nausea / Jean-Paul Sartre

What an odd title for a philosophy book. I am somewhat intrigued that it “comprises the thoughts and subjective experiences of a melancholy and socially isolated intellectual” who is experiencing “growing alienation and disillusionment”. I can’t lie…that speaks to me. I’m tempted to call it a maybe.

95 King Lear / William Shakespeare

I’d have thought that Shakespeare would earn more than two spots on this list. It is one of his best plays though. I studied it in college and have seen stage performances. Trust me though…it’s not for the faint of heart.

96 Beyond Good & Evil / Friedrich Nietzsche

Nietzsche has made his presence known in these rankings. It is short, and I wish I would’ve challenged myself to read it three decades ago because it’s just not something that piques my interest at this stage of my life.

97 The Elementary Particles / Michel Houellebecq

A French novel published in 1998. These are very Millenial-centric rankings. Given the title I assumed it had something to with science, but I’m wrong. Why are so many of the protagonists in these books depressed or otherwise mentally ill?? My life has enough melancholy without reading about sadness for fun.

98 Candide / Voltaire

Here we go again!! The protagonist experiences “slow and painful disillusionment” and “great hardships in the world”. Conversely, I just want to relax, have some lighthearted fun, and laugh a little. Is that too much to ask??

99 Jerusalem / Alan Moore

Don’t let the title fool you…it’s a 2016 novel set in England. How in the hell does a book published less than a decade ago rank as one of the best books of all time?!?!?? That’s dumb.

100 Harry Potter / JK Rowling

As mundane & erudite as these rankings have been I am shocked to see something as mainstream popular as Harry Potter make the list. It’s a pleasant surprise though because they are in fact great books. If you’re one of those people who has only watched the movies, a Christian who thinks Jesus will be mad at you for embracing sorcery, or someone who was older than a teenager when PotterMania was running wild so you think it’s adolescent balderdash, then I urge you to reconsider. It’s a big commitment…seven lengthy books…but worth every second of your time.

Top 100 Books of All Time (Allegedly, But Probably Not) – Part Deux

If you have not already perused Part 1 please do so. We’ll leave the light on for you.

An old friend of mine once observed that I “live in a library”, and he wasn’t wrong. My humble abode boasts about ten bookcases. Having said that, allow me to drop a truth bomb: I am a fraud…kind of. One of my favorite television shows is the 90’s sitcom Frasier, and I always admired Frasier & Niles Crane. Educated. Classy. Well-dressed. Cultured. However, the truth is that I am much closer in temperament to their father Martin…just a simple guy who prefers ball games, comfy t-shirts, and iced tea to opera, tailored suits, and fine wine. Looking at lists like the one we are perusing makes me realize that I am not particularly well-read, atleast by others’ lofty standards. I am much more inclined to enjoy a great sports biography or a cultural examination of food than most of the “great” books you’ll see mentioned here. So be it. I am at a point in my life when I am unlikely to change course, which is fine.

26 Catch-22 / Joseph Heller

A catch-22 is “is a paradoxical situation from which an individual cannot escape because of contradictory rules or limitations”, or “a problematic situation for which the only solution is denied by a circumstance inherent in the problem or by a rule”. Same thing. The term was actually coined by Heller for the book, but if you want to find out the details you’ll need to read it yourself. No spoilers here, except that the story is a satire set during WWII.

27 2666 / Roberto Bolaño

I had to look this one up, and it doesn’t sound like my cup o’ tea. If you’re more familiar with the book feel free to try & change my mind.

28 The Recognitions / William Gaddis

Another book that I’d never heard a peep about in all my years on the planet. It sounds like it’d be long & boring. No thanks.

29 The Book of the New Sun / Gene Wolfe

We’re establishing a theme…supposedly great books that I’ve never heard of in my life. I’m not saying that’s an accurate metric. The older I get the more I realize just how small & meaningless my life has been. However, this whole thing is about me & my taste in books. There’s a lot of other great sci-fi that I’d love to get to eventually, so I doubt this makes the cut.

30 The Sound & The Fury / William Faulkner

Faulkner wrote a few well-regarded novels, and I’d like to get around to them eventually.

31 V / Thomas Pynchon

My initial reaction is to recall a godawful TV miniseries from the 1980s in which a race of lizard-like aliens invade Earth & disguise themselves as humans. However, the V referenced here is the 1963 debut novel of Thomas Pynchon, who has gone on to write Gravity’s Rainbow, Inherent Vice, and a few others. I think I’d lean toward giving those other works a go, and if I really get into Pynchon perhaps I’ll circle back to his first novel.

32 Journey to the End of the Night / Louis-Ferdinand Céline

I’ve never heard of it, and after reading the description I’m not the least bit interested.

33 The Catcher in the Rye / JD Salinger

I’ve read it, but I think it was too late. If I’d read it as a 16 year old boy I may have found Holden Caulfield relatable, but as a grown man I view him as an annoying kid and perceive the book as overhyped.

34 A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man / James Joyce

Joyce has snagged another spot, but I’m not sure I am as intrigued by this book as I am the others. Maybe.

35 The Book of Disquiet / Fernando Pessoa

I read a description that called it a “masterpiece beyond comparison”, which sets the bar pretty high. I won’t dismiss it out of hand, but I’m not sure it is something I’d purposely seek out.

36 Faust / Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I find the idea of a Faustian pact, in which a person actually sells their soul to The Devil, fascinating in a disturbing kind of way. However, since I already understand the concept do I need to spend 500 pages reading about it?? Probably not.

37 The Metamorphosis / Frank Kafka

We’ve already mentioned Kafka, and this is generally considered his masterpiece. It’s actually a short story, so I’ll give it a whirl eventually.

38 Siddhartha / Hermann Hesse

I’ve seen this book mentioned in passing thru the years but had no idea what it was about. The title is a Sanskrit word that translates to “he who has found meaning”. I have nothing against deep & profound, but I’ve got to be in just the right mood. It’s a pretty short book, so perhaps I’ll grab a copy somewhere.

39 The Master & Margarita / Mikhail Bulgakov

I only heard of this book in the past year, and since I occasionally enjoy a tasty margarita the title stuck in my mind. However, I’m pretty sure there is no tequila or lime juice involved. My research indicates it is a dark satire about Satan visiting The Soviet Union, which sounds like it might be a fun read.

40 The Lord of the Rings / JRR Tolkien

You’ve probably heard of it. Full disclosure: I’ve tried a couple of times to get thru the entire trilogy & failed. I don’t think I even watched all of the critically acclaimed movies. I really love The Hobbit though.

41 The Picture of Dorian Gray / Oscar Wilde

The Faustian Pact is back, and I am intrigued. Oscar Wilde’s personal life may be more fascinating than his books though.

42 Mason & Dixon / Thomas Pynchon

Pynchon is an American and he’s still alive, so that kind of makes him an outlier amongst all the authors listed here. I guess you’d call the book historical fiction, which is kind of in my wheelhouse.

43 The Idiot / Fyodor Dostoevsky

Dostoevsky sure seems to get a lot of love from the folks on /lit/. Have a bunch of Russians infiltrated the site?? Who knows?? At any rate, my research indicates that the story deals with the protagonist’s “most intense personal ordeals, such as epilepsy & mock execution”, and “explores moral, spiritual, & philosophical themes.” Ol’ Fyodor must’ve been lots of fun at parties, huh?? 👀

44 A Confederacy of Dunces / John Kennedy Toole

What a great title!! Are we talking about stupid people during The Civil War?? Actually, no. The story is set in 1960’s New Orleans. It won the Pulitzer Prize a decade after the depressed author had committed suicide at the age of 31. He only wrote two books in his short life, with the other one (The Neon Bible) having been completed at the age of 16 but not published until two decades after his death.

45 Pale Fire / Vladimir Nabokov

Nabokov wrote this lesser known story a few years after the success of Lolita. It’s a short book, so perhaps I’ll give it a whirl someday.

46 Slaughterhouse Five / Kurt Vonnegut

I am ashamed to admit that I’ve not read it. I own it, but that’s a whole different thing. World War II seems to be a popular setting for these “great” books, which might be part of the problem. My father was really into war movies & documentaries when I was a kid, and as you might imagine I found the subject matter quite tedious. I am much more inclined to read things related to The Civil War or The Revolutionary War. I realize that doesn’t make much sense, but it is what it is.

47 Brave New World / Aldous Huxley

Much like 1984 I feel like this is a book worthy of being reread, because decades ago I had no idea how much “fiction” would seep into my reality.

48 No Longer Human / Osamu Dazai

I’ve never heard of it, but apparently it’s a Japanese novel that “presents recurring themes in the author’s life, including suicide, social alienation, and depression”. Okay, so here’s the thing…I prefer books much the same as I do movies: uplifting, fun, delightful. I stopped watching The Oscars many years ago because it seems like the only films that critics appreciate are real downers. Is it the same thing with books?? To be considered “great” does a book need to be bleak & somber?? That’s just not how I roll.

49 Paradise Lost / John Milton

I don’t know…can’t I just read my Bible?? Y’all know how I feel about epic poems at this point. I am absolutely sure we studied it in school, or atleast parts of it. That may have to suffice.

50 Les Miserables / Victor Hugo

Titling your novel The Miserables is terribly poor marketing. While I have an affinity for historical fiction as it relates to American history I am much less interested in French history, unless it traces the origins of fries, kissing, or toast. The story has been adapted multiple times into movies & stage plays, but I don’t have any interest in those either.

We’re halfway there!! Stay tuned!!

Superfluous 7 – Fictional Characters With Whom I’d Like To Hang Out

Awhile back I read a book called The 101 Most Influential People Who Never Lived. It wasn’t quite what I thought it was going to be when I made the impulse purchase, skewing a bit too much toward the analytical and academic instead of the lighthearted and interesting. The authors made a point of emphasizing that their list was based on influence and not popularity. Many of the conclusions reached were curious, some in a good way and some in a real head scratching sort of way. Rosie the Riveter, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Barbie (the doll) made their list. The Marlboro Man was #1. Meanwhile, Fonzie and Rocky Balboa are nowhere to be found. So I decided to make my own, much shorter list. My criteria isn’t based on popularity or influence. The question I asked myself was simply “Who would it be cool to hang out with??” Now let me be very clear…I am not simply talking about meeting them or doing an interview. I am talking about spending a weekend or maybe a summer with a person, becoming involved in their daily life. Michael Corleone is an awesome character, but really…who wants to become part of the mafia with all the guns and blood?? Shakespeare created many memorable characters, but a lot of them are unstable and end up dead. I love Forrest Gump, but I think he may get on my nerves after awhile. So I thought about who it would be fun to converse with and learn from, or just have a good time with. It was difficult to narrow down to seven, but the mission was accomplished. Who would you enjoy chillin’ with if you had the opportunity and the line between fiction and reality was not only blurred but eliminated?? Don’t hesitate to let me know…after you enjoy…..

 

 

 

from the home office in Spasticsville, Kansas…..

 

 

 

The Superfluous 7 Fictional Characters With Whom I’d Like To Hang Out:

 

 

7 The Duke Boys

I am a child of the 80’s, and every Friday night from 1979-1985 I could not wait for The Dukes of Hazzard to come on television. It is only now, 25 years later, that I can truly appreciate the show (and I mean that sincerely). Was the acting great and the writing superb?? No. But no one ever got killed, and the crimes committed were pretty benign. Hazzard County seems like it would be a cool little town in which to live, as long as one doesn’t get on the bad side of Boss Hogg & Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane…and even then they are actually rather tame as far as villains go. Now I am resisting the urge to write about what I would do if given the chance to spend some quality time with Daisy, instead taking the high road and choosing to chillax with Bo & Luke. Did they have jobs?? What did they do all day other than run the roads in the General Lee and occasionally throw back a cold one at The Boar’s Nest?? I suppose they helped Uncle Jesse by doing most of the heavy lifting on the farm, but that’s okay…a little elbow grease and sweat never hurt anyone. I’m not much of a fast driver, but I could handle being a passenger as the guys race around evading the law. I imagine it’d get the ol’ blood pumping, especially when a washed out bridge forces one of those cool jumps. I could grip the roll bar and yell “Yeeeee-haaaaaa”. Mostly I can just see myself enjoying the slow pace, the good people, and the relative innocence of a place like Hazzard and learning the essence of being a cool country boy from The Dukes. And yes…I’d probably hit on Daisy.

 

 

6 Bilbo Baggins

There is a reason I specifically chose Bilbo Baggins. His nephew Frodo is a character we get to know much more in depth, as he is the main protagonist in all the Lord of the Rings books/movies. In contrast, Bilbo is the focus in only one shorter book, The Hobbit. But Frodo’s adventure is so long, grueling, and dangerous that it doesn’t seem like it’d be much fun to be in his proximity. As a matter of fact, because of that damn Ring (The One to rule them all) Frodo’s life and the lives of everyone around him becomes way too scary. Bilbo’s adventure in The Hobbit is not without peril, but it is much shorter and less fraught with life-in-the-balance moments. However, if I were to hang out with Bilbo it would not be in the midst of an adventure at all. I would want to hang out in The Shire with he and the other hobbits. The Shire is a quiet, idyllic land where the hobbits enjoy simple things like eating, drinking, smoking, and being social. The hobbits enjoy gardening and live off the fat of the land. It is a simple place and they are simple folk, which I like. Bilbo is a good storyteller and definitely has some stories to tell, plus he is pals with the wizard Gandalf, so one never knows when he might pop in.

 

 

5 Batman/Bruce Wayne

Batman is the ultimate example of bi-polar disorder. How cool would it be to hang out with him?? During the day one could enjoy the lavish lifestyle of billionaire Bruce Wayne, and at night get a taste of adventure as The Dark Night trolls the seedy underbelly of Gotham City exacting vigilante justice. I would LOVE to ride shotgun in The Batmobile and of course chill in the ultimate man cave, The Bat Cave. I am not much for physicality, but it’d be intriguing to try to outwit villains like The Riddler, Catwoman, and The Penguin. While Batman doesn’t seem like much of a conversationalist his alter ego, Bruce Wayne, is charming and charismatic. And since I would know his secret we could have rather fascinating discussions. Trying to get inside the head of a man who was emotionally scarred as a child by seeing his parents gunned down and who uses that trauma as a reason to dress up like a bat and fight crime…well call me crazy, but that sounds like fun.

 

 

4 Sheriff Andy Taylor

It has long been my opinion that the happiest place on Earth is not Disney World, but rather the town of Mayberry. I am too young to have caught The Andy Griffith Show when it first aired in the 60’s, but forty years after it was cancelled generations of people like me are still invited into the lives of Andy, Opie, Barney, and Aunt Bea thanks to reruns. And while Barney Fife is one of the funniest characters in television history and we all love Opie because we have literally seen Ron Howard grow from a small boy to an Oscar winning director and a grandfather, for me the heart & soul of the show and the town is Sheriff Andy. It may seem like a trite cliché, but Andy Taylor is a good man. He is kind, wise, understanding, and tough. He’s a great Dad, a good friend, and good at his job. I have reached a point in my life where I see that running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to impress people and achieve what the world defines as success is akin to a cat chasing its tale…an exercise in futility. Faith, family, and friendship are the most important things in life. I think a man like Sheriff Taylor understands that, and I would enjoy immensely the opportunity to sit on the front porch sipping some iced tea, picking a little on the ol’ guitar, and shooting the breeze with him.

 

 

3 Captain Jean-Luc Picard

This was a tough call. Thanks to my good friend The Owl I am a Trekkie, and the Star Trek Universe is polluted with memorable characters. I love Bones McCoy, but I really can’t see myself voluntarily spending time with a doctor. Scotty is cool, but I am not an engineer either. Spock is interesting, but really…would he even understand the concept of chillaxing?? ‘Tis not very logical afterall. Captain Kirk is awesome, but a little too intense and adventurous for my tastes. I like to keep things low key. Captain Picard is more my speed. He is less of a swashbuckler and more of an intellectual, an educated man with eclectic interests in classical music, literature, archaeology, fencing, and physics. Picard is the type of guy one could probably sit and listen to for hours, even if he is so smart that the majority of what he is saying goes way above your head. Captain Kirk would be fun to party with and you’d definitely want him on your side in a fight, but Picard is someone to learn from and gain insight about the world.

 

 

2 Santa Claus

Oh come on…who wouldn’t want to hang out with Santa Claus?? And I am not just talking about on Christmas Eve as he makes his journey around the globe delivering presents and eating cookies. I want to spend all year with Old Saint Nick. How does he know when we are sleeping and when we are awake?? How does he know whether we’ve been bad or good?? How does he know exactly what every child wants for Christmas?? Precisely when does he check The List twice and how much time does that take?? Who compiles The List in the first place?? What kind of set up does The North Pole have as far as manufacturing all the latest gadgets kids want these days?? Most of us are selfish and not the least bit concerned about the needs of others, so why is Santa so different?? Why is he so giving and what lead him down this career path?? What is the economic situation for him personally and professionally since he just gives presents away?? Does he get a cut of the profits from stores like WalMart, Sears, Amazon.com, and Best Buy?? What is the deal with the elves?? These are things I need to know people!!

 

 

1 Sherlock Holmes

I have been a huge Sherlockian since junior high school. I have read each of the 56 short stories and 4 novels countless times and enjoy them tremendously. I think maybe the coolest job in history was Watson’s. I would love love love to be Watson, hanging out with Holmes and then writing about all his adventures. I realize that Sir Arthur Conan Doyle makes Victorian London seem far more awesome than it probably was in reality, but that’s okay. Doyle’s London is an odd mix of quaint, mysterious, dangerous, and romantic. Holmes wouldn’t need to flip through endless channels of mind numbing idiocy even if the technology were available to him. He’s got plenty to keep him busy. If he’s not out solving some of the oddest crimes ever conceived he is conducting chemistry experiments in his living room, writing an academic treatise on various types of soil or poisons, or playing his violin. One would never get bored hanging out with Sherlock Holmes, except during those times of languid inactivity when he takes to shooting up cocaine. That’d be when I’d have to leave and visit someone else on the list. At any rate, spending time at 221B Baker Street would encompass meeting all sorts of strange people, trudging through the streets of London at all hours of the day & night in search of answers, and most of all learning at the feet of quite possibly the smartest man in history.

 

 

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