Author: sammano

Weekend Movie Marathons: Jan de Bont

The first thing we need to do is define a few terms. First, a movie director “controls a film’s artistic & dramatic aspects and visualizes the screenplay while guiding actors & the crew in the fulfilment of that vision”. A cinematographer or director of photography (the two terms are interchangeable) is “the person responsible for the photographing or recording of a film, television production, music video, or other live action piece and is chief of the camera & light crew working on such projects, responsible for making artistic & technical decisions and for selecting cameras, film, lenses, filters, etc”. Today’s subject has achieved success doing both jobs, having a hand in creating some very memorable films. 

Friday Night

All the Right Moves

When you look at de Bont’s filmography you see that one of the earliest movies he worked on that you’ve actually heard of is this overlooked 1983 gem about high school football in the kind of small, economically depressed town that many people are either trapped in or dream of escaping (oftentimes both). You may have wondered why we didn’t include it in the Tom Cruise weekend marathon since it might be one of his best performances, and now you know. Several years ago I ranked it as my 6th Favorite Sports Film, and, while my appreciation for Rebecca DeMornay on the El train in Risky Business has been duly noted I must opine that there is a scene in this movie with the lovely Leah Thompson that pre-pubescent Me liked even better. 

Saturday Matinee 

Basic Instinct

I’m sensing a theme. Okay, I’m lonely…sue me. Basic Instinct is one of those “so bad it’s good” kind of things, like Cabbage Patch Dolls, the 1960’s Batman TV show, or disco. It made Sharon Stone a star, and was the sixth highest grossing film of 1992, besting more deserving fare like Aladdin, A League of Their Own, White Men Can’t Jump, My Cousin Vinny, & Father of the Bride. Sex sells & life isn’t fair. Julia Roberts, Meg Ryan, Ellen Barkin, Michelle Pfeiffer, Kathleen Turner, & Geena Davis all turned down the role that eventually went to Stone. Perhaps they didn’t want the world to see their cooter. As the cinematographer I guess we have Jan de Bont to thank for that famous scene.

Saturday Night 

Die Hard

One of the best Christmas movies of all time!! Okay okay…I couldn’t resist. I feel like I have praised it effusively thru the years, and I’m quite sure that most have an understanding of the plot & other factoids. Whether or not you agree with my assessment of Die Hard as a holiday classic I think we can all agree that it’s one of the best action films of all time, highly regarded as a genre altering work of art. 

Sunday Matinee 

Twister

After achieving success in the 1980s & early 90s as a cinematographer de Bont moved into the director’s chair and hit a couple of early home runs. I’m not usually into disaster flicks, but there’s something about Twister that suckers me in every time it’s on television almost three decades later. Perhaps it’s the cast…Bill Paxton, Helen Hunt, Jami Gertz, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Alan Ruck. Not big movie stars individually, but an ensemble of good, charming actors. You may be surprised to learn that Steven Spielberg, Robert Zemeckis, & James Cameron were all in the running to direct, but somehow de Bont jumped the line. I’d love to know more details about how that happened. 

Sunday Night 

Speed

Although I’m sure there’s more to the story, one of the reasons de Bont landed the Twister gig was that his directorial debut was such a rousing success, and he got the chance to direct Speed because the director of Die Hard recommended him. John McTiernan didn’t want to do something that he perceived as too similar to Die Hard, so he passed & suggested de Bont. I believe Shakespeare referred to such situations as the slings & arrows of outrageous fortune. Even more interesting, the lead role eventually played by Keanu Reeves was almost given to Stephen Baldwin, Tom Hanks, Wesley Snipes, Tom Cruise, or Woody Harrelson. Of those, I can only see Cruise as possibly being as good as Reeves ended up being. As for the role that made Sandra Bullock a household name, she was almost portrayed by Halle Berry, Meryl Streep, Kim Basinger, or Ellen DeGeneres. Wow…could you imagine a world in which Speed had made Ellen a movie star while Bullock’s career stalled after Demolition Man?!?!?? And speaking of stalled (to put it kindly), the sequel Speed 2 didn’t seem to affect Bullock & Reeves didn’t even participate, but de Bont has only directed two movies in the ensuing 25 years and most fans wouldn’t be able to name them if their life depended on it. Speed 2 is widely regarded as the worst sequel of all time, but that shouldn’t tarnish one’s regard for the original. 

POINTS OF PONDERATION…..EPISODE 3.22 

A semi-regular attempt to address some of life’s minutiae that might otherwise be overlooked…..

I WILL finish what I was saying, no matter how many times you interrupt & talk over me. Some people have no clue how obnoxiously rude & low class they tend to be. 

In life you meet people & think positively about them. You want to befriend them because they’re cool or quirky or funny or have whatever kind of personality traits you find appealing. But then you discover that pursuing any sort of relationship is just too damn difficult. Underneath the positive qualities that you initially deemed fascinating there is a dark side. At best those negative attributes cause instability & frustration, at worst they make that person dangerous. Not necessarily dangerous in a deadly or even physically harmful way, but threatening to one’s peace & emotional well being. The older you get the more valuable tranquility becomes, and you learn that, despite the great potential that certain situations may offer, sometimes it’s just not worth the hassle. 

As screwed up as things have become here in the United States, I’m thankful that I don’t live in Canada, New Zealand, China, or Australia. 

I have (mostly) stayed away from reignited debates about abortion & gun control and haven’t given “Pride” Month hardly any thought. I finally realized, after many years of wasted energy, that no one gives a damn about my opinion, and all too often nowadays offering up one’s thoughts for public consumption is just asking for trouble. That’s a weird thing for a blogger to say, but it’s the truth. Five years ago I would’ve already written separate epistles on each of those subjects. They would’ve been good reads & perhaps some might have nodded in agreement as they scrolled thru the presentation while laying in bed, sitting on the “throne”, or wherever else whoever reads these things I write plants themselves while doing so. Sadly, just as many folks would be offended and attack me (or unfriend/unfollow if they subscribe to my social media platforms). I’ve simply lost my appetite for such discourse, and that’s probably a good thing. What I think or believe doesn’t really matter anyway. A former minister of mine once said, while we were studying Revelation, that he didn’t foresee America even existing in the End Times, and I agree. Anyone paying attention the past year & a half has witnessed a purposeful destruction of our nation and willful obliviousness from the masses. Trekkies understand that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one, but the fact is that too many Americans never learned the lesson, and that will be our downfall. 

Call me old fashioned, but “separated” is not divorced, so why do you already have a boyfriend/girlfriend?? 🤔

To be honest with y’all, I’m just tired. Tired of fighting unwinnable battles. Tired of being alone, ignored, unwanted, & overlooked. Tired of being abandoned. Tired of relying on unreliable people. Tired of people who talk ceaselessly but have nothing to say. Tired of realizing that so much of what I was taught & perceived to be true is no longer valid…if it ever was. Tired of people treating others like dirt then flippantly asking the injured party to not take it personally. Worn down by life. Weary of being in my own head. Bored. Disappointed in myself for multiple reasons, and disappointed by others on many levels. Unfulfilled. Sad that I’ll never be what I could have been. Disheartened that I’ll never have a wife or experience the joy of a child calling me “Daddy”. Tired of putting on a polite & brave face. Tired of having very little of what I’ve wanted & desired in part due to the fact that I never truly understood how to attain those things. Tired of people who should know me best not understanding me at all. I’m tired, and I don’t know what to do about it.

WEEKEND MOVIE MARATHONS: Tom Cruise

In anticipation of Top Gun: Maverick coming soon to a theater near you it seems appropriate to enjoy a Weekend Movie Marathon featuring one of the biggest box office draws of my youth in the 1980s. To opine that Tom Cruise in “real life” seems a bit enigmatic would be an understatement, but I have become pretty good at separating the person from the entertainer, and one cannot deny that he is the textbook definition of a movie star (whether one considers that positive or negative is a matter of personal preference). Perusing Cruise’s filmography of over fifty movies I can confidently say that there are atleast a dozen that I have enjoyed on some level, and as many that aren’t my cup o’ tea but are generally considered pretty good by the masses. That’s a batting average any baseball player would envy. So, while my taste may not align with yours, I believe what is presented here would be a rather entertaining weekend for most. 

Friday Night 

Risky Business

Imagine the pitch…”high school kid runs a brothel out of his house while his parents are away on vacation”. I feel like that would’ve only been greenlit in the 80s. Cruise had been a supporting player in a few notable films (Taps, Losin’ It, The Outsiders), but this was the movie that made him a star. The iconic scene when he makes us all reminisce about the days of old with Bob Seger’s Old Time Rock n’ Roll is still parodied four decades later, and I’d sacrifice a limb to ride the El train with Rebecca DeMornay (that scene is seared into the memory of many men my age). Risky Business was the eighth highest grossing film of 1983 (behind Return of the Jedi & Trading Places but ahead of National Lampoon’s Vacation & ET: The Extra-Terrestrial), and it has a 92% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes. In other words, it appeals on some level to nearly everyone. 

Saturday Matinee 

Rock of Ages

Large ensemble casts are tricky. While most films tend to provide a spotlight for one or occasionally two big stars, every once in awhile a movie will come along with such a stacked lineup of well known performers that we’re immediately intrigued before we even step into the theater, but that doesn’t guarantee quality. Rock of Ages was actually a Broadway play that premiered in 2005 before being adapted for the big screen seven years later. Is it a good movie?? Not really. The cast includes Dancing with the Stars alum Julianne Hough, goofball Russell Brand, highly underrated Paul Giamatti, lovely Catherine Zeta-Jones, 90s hip-hop legend Mary J. Blige, controversial Alec Baldwin, SNL alum Will Forte, Bryan Cranston before he became famous, and of course our guy Tom Cruise, none of whom, despite being an intriguing potpourri of actors, would prompt me to watch. No, for me it’s the music…covers of a plethora of 80s hits from the likes of Journey, Foreigner, Guns N’ Roses, Bon Jovi, REO Speedwagon, and many more. The plot is dumb & the performances are cheesy, but that’s not even important. Aside from the music the best part of Rock of Ages is Cruise’s scene chewing Axl Rose/Jim Morrison cosplay. If you love 80s music you won’t hate this movie.

Saturday Night 

Top Gun

Well, it is the reason we’re here, right?? It remains to be seen if making a sequel more than three decades later was a wise decision, but the original is inarguably legendary. Somewhere on this site I believe I once called Top Gun an 80s time capsule movie, and I stand by that assessment. I recently watched it again for the first time in many years, and was still entertained. 

Sunday Matinee

The Firm

The book is better, as is usually the case. However, an adaptation starring the likes of Cruise, Gene Hackman, Holly Hunter, Ed Harris, & Hal Holbrook stands pretty good on its own merits (plus, where else have we ever seen Wilford Brimley & Gary Busey in the same place??). I seem to recall that there was a bit of controversy because the ending of the film differs from that of the book. I usually get pretty riled up about such things, but in this case I am willing to overlook it. 

Sunday Night 

Cocktail

I feel like Cocktail is vastly underappreciated. The love story is pretty formulaic, but that’s not a deal breaker. There’s a fun supporting performance from Aussie Brian Brown (who is rather amusing in Along Came Polly as well), and Elisabeth Shue as Cruise’s love interest is at peak loveliness. “Flair bartending” is the term for what you see in the film, and I guess it’s a real thing. I don’t know…I don’t get out much. At any rate, Cocktail is a really interesting story for a couple of reasons. It won the 1988 Golden Raspberry for Worst Film, while that same year Rain Man (also starring Cruise) took home the Academy Award for Best Picture (there’s a reason that movie isn’t featured here). Also, while Rotten Tomatoes scores Cocktail at 7% (which, despite being atrocious, doesn’t even land it on the site’s list of 100 lowest rated films), it was the 9th highest grossing film of the year, ahead of great stuff like Beetlejuce, Scrooged, Bull Durham, and the aforementioned Oscar winning Rain Man. The dichotomy is fascinating & hard to explain. All I know is the cast is cool & the music (especially Kokomo by The Beach Boys) is delightful. Popcorn cinema doesn’t always need to be great.

WEEKEND MOVIE MARATHONS: Jim Carrey

“I’m retiring…probably. I have enough. I’ve done enough. I am enough.” That is what Jim Carrey said in a recent interview. Do I believe him?? Of course not. Much like boxers, pro wrestlers, & aging rock stars I don’t think actors ever really retire. They can always be coaxed into a “comeback” to enjoy the spotlight “one last time”. Carrey hasn’t been a hot commodity in Hollywood in several years, so I’m not sure anyone would notice if he really did quit altogether, but I feel quite confident in predicting that he’ll continue to make movies here & there. However, his “retirement” proclamation seems like a great excuse to enjoy a Weekend Movie Marathon, much like we’ve already done with Tom Hanks, Morgan Freeman, and Ivan Reitman.

Friday Night 

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

This stupid film is what made Jim Carrey a superstar. I say “stupid” with all due respect, because I have no problem with goofy, mindless, foolish entertainment that exists for no significant reason other than to make people laugh. No life lessons, no deep philosophies, no connection to real life whatsoever…just belly laughs, because laughter really is the best medicine. Since he never won a Super Bowl his supporting role in Ace Ventura may be Dan Marino’s greatest contribution to pop culture, and I’d love to shake the hand of the casting director who listened to Wild Thing & Funky Cold Medina and decided Tone Loc would make a good cop.   Ace Ventura has a 49% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, which is expected. Actually, I’m surprised it’s that high given the austere disposition of most critics. Conversely, it was the 16th highest grossing film of 1994, making more money at the box office than Pulp Fiction & Tombstone amongst others. A sequel was released a year later, but the lightning had escaped the bottle. 

Saturday Matinee 

Man on the Moon

I’m all about biopics. I vaguely recall comedian Andy Kaufman from his supporting role on Taxi & his infamous altercation with pro wrestler Jerry “The King” Lawler on Late Night with David Letterman in 1982, and at first I thought Carrey was an odd choice to portray him in a movie. The strange thing is that Carrey’s casting turned out to be the best decision amongst a host of poor choices made by the filmmakers, including having the actual cast of Taxi appear as themselves in scenes set nearly two decades earlier. Carrey should’ve been nominated for an Oscar, but had to settle for a Golden Globe. 

Saturday Night 

The Truman Show

Reality TV was barely a thing in 1998, making The Truman Show seem quite prescient in hindsight. Carrey stars as a man whose entire life has been a reality show, only he has no idea. It’s a dramedy, which is my wheelhouse, and the performances are terrific. This was the first time that Carrey was robbed of an Academy Award nomination, although Ed Harris was nominated for Best Supporting Actor (he lost). There is a scene near the end of the film when the whole world seems to be glued to their televisions to see what will happen with Truman. When the show suddenly goes dark (if you’ve seen the movie you know why) crowds of people are shown in a brief moment of confusion before simply changing the channel, quickly moving on & resuming their lives. It’s a fleeting yet powerful moment that serves as accurately cynical commentary on our society. 

Sunday Matinee 

A Christmas Carol

I’ve written extensively about A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens’ 1843 novella that has been adapted into a decidedly mixed bag of films in the past century. In 2009 director Robert Zemeckis gifted us with a motion capture digital animated version of the story, with Carrey portraying multiple characters (Ebenezer Scrooge, The Ghosts of Christmases Past, Present, & Yet to Come). Motion capture seems to be an oddly polarizing technology…some people love it, a lot of folks hate it. Personally, I’m a fan. I also respect movies that remain faithful to the book they’re  based on, and this film is a remarkably authentic translation of Dickens’ tale, especially given the fact that it is animated. Critics & moviegoers had a tepid response, but it has become part of my annual Yuletide tradition.

Sunday Night 

Liar Liar

This is Jim Carrey at his comedic plateau. Sure, he made Me, Myself, & Irene (not terrible by any means) & Bruce Almighty (you probably like it better than I do, although I don’t hate it) afterward, but certainly his roles started to lean toward the dramatic and/or the completely forgettable as a new century dawned. The premise…an attorney who is unable to lie for 24 hours…is inspired. How we get there is reminiscent of the 80’s Tom Hanks classic Big, but I’m willing to overlook the mystical contrivance since it leads to a comic showcase for Carrey’s unique skills, a more polished rendition of his Ace Ventura persona. Critics & audiences both gave Liar Liar two thumbs up, and it was the third highest grossing film of the year (Titanic was released right before Christmas 1997, so it was the box office champ of 1998…but with just a couple of weeks in theaters it was still the 7th highest grossing film of ‘97).

POINTS OF PONDERATION…..EPISODE 2.22 

A semi-regular attempt to address some of life’s minutiae that might otherwise be overlooked…..

What is it with admins of Facebook groups?!?!?? 90% of the groups I follow are perfectly fine. They hum along smoothly, allowing fans of a particular subject/person/show/entity to enjoy content related to the topic that page was created to promote. However, every once in awhile you’ll run across some whiny lil dictator wannabe who probably lives in their parents’ basement & has toiled in a series of low paying, dead end jobs for the duration of their adult life, but now they perceive themselves as having some level of power & control simply because they help run a relatively meaningless page on a social media platform. It’s equal parts hilarious, aggravating, & pathetic. Get over yourselves. Your life is even more empty & miserable than mine, and that’s difficult to pull off. Just stop. 

While The Sickness & related madness seems to be subsiding a bit (here in America anyway…Canada, China, & Australia are evil personified that I won’t tackle right now), it’s still a thing to a degree. I saw a post from a local establishment looking to hire part time help, and it was mentioned that employees must be vaccinated. I scoffed. Now, this place has tasty vittles, and I’ve tried to support them occasionally despite the fact that I really should be consuming veggies & fish rather than donuts, but I am against requiring vaccines for no logical reason. Not to beat a dead horse, but when the powers-that-be create a vaccine that actually prevents the malady it is purported to avert, then I will happily roll up my sleeve & take it. When fully vaxxed people stop dying, then perhaps I’ll hop onboard. In the meantime, why should some small town schlub like myself or any of my friends & neighbors have to get jabbed to prepare & sell delicious pastries or work at any other low paying service job?? It’s asinine. 

Look, I’m not a woman (in case you didn’t know), but I reject the notion that only women should have or express opinions about abortion. Both sides of the debate tend to present extreme scenarios to validate their viewpoints. If you believe all of my conservative friends then every case involves a lascivious 16 year old flippantly looking to escape the consequences of her poor decisions, or a selfish woman who is too busy with her career or carefree lifestyle to be bothered with a baby. If you believe my liberal friends then every case is a sob story situation involving a 13 year old rape victim, a mother who will die if they carry the baby to term, or a fetus that has so many deformities it’s basically a vegetable in utero with no hope for any quality of life. While I have no doubt that all of these things do happen, I’m not sure they are the majority of abortion cases. We tend to look for easy solutions to simple problems, but few things in life are that straightforward. I don’t have any answers, but I do think it’s a topic worthy of intelligent, thoughtful, gracious contemplation. Can we manage that?? Are we capable of such civility anymore??

The older I get the more I appreciate total silence. I have multiple people in my life who talk & talk & talk & talk and freakin’ talk some more, all the while saying absolutely nothing of value in any way, shape, or form. It’s maddening, and quite frankly I’m completely sick to death of it. I find these interactions legitimately depressing, as they are indications of how terribly awry my life has gone. I almost wish I could move to the woods like Walden or find a deserted island like Tom Hanks in Cast Away (sans the horrific plane crash), except for the fact that I enjoy modern conveniences like internet access, streaming TV channels, & two day shipping way too much. Y’all have no idea how many times a week I fake falling asleep or lie about having another call coming in simply to get rid of someone who is completely wasting my time & testing my patience. 

Speaking of social media…

I recently unfollowed a local bar/restaurant’s pages on Facebook & Instagram because the family that owns the place almost exclusively  posts pics & stories about their kids & their vacations. Look, I don’t give a damn about your child’s birthday party or how much fun y’all had at the beach. Put that stuff on your personal page(s). I follow a business page to get their hours of operation, view the menu, check for deals, & find out who the entertainment might be next weekend. If you want to be perceived as professional then act professional. 

WINNING & MUSING…VOLUME 2.22 

Greetings sports fans. We’re still talking about football, but there are a couple of other topics thrown into the mix as well. I hope the sun is shining wherever you are and cooler temperatures are giving way to the delightful warmth of spring. 

Heavenly Father, bless Deshaun Watson, for he hath sinned. Now, I bet you think you know what I am referring to, but you’d probably be wrong. Don’t misunderstand…I am not looking past the allegations of sexual misconduct against Watson. However, a grand jury decided there wasn’t enough evidence to convict, so I am left with the impression that he is simply a single, wealthy horndog who enjoys a good massage a bit too much and expects favors many young ladies are not willing to grant. I believe he acted inappropriately, but to my knowledge no one was raped. Deshaun Watson may be creepy, but he’s not a criminal, and since I wasn’t exactly a saint when I was a 20-something I simply hope the young man learned his lesson, has been humbled, and will be better going forward. That being said, I cannot overlook the fact that Watson, who understandably wanted away from the dumpster fire that is the Houston Texans, ended up approving a trade to the Cleveland Browns. The Browns!! This dude could’ve gotten a new start in Carolina, Atlanta, or New Orleans…and he chose Cleveland!! Has he never heard of Tim Couch?? Colt McCoy?? Brady Quinn?? Brandon Weeden?? Hell, I could list two dozen more quarterbacks whose career died in The Factory of Sadness. I’ve been a big fan of Deshaun Watson since his days at Clemson, and I was counting on him to lead my dynasty fantasy team for the next decade, but I can’t cheer for the QB of the Browns, so I traded him for multiple draft picks. Thanks for nothing you moron. 

Baseball’s Opening Day has finally arrived. As a lifelong Pirates’ fan it is difficult for me to be as excited as some of y’all might be, but it is a cultural touchstone and an unofficial (late) welcome to spring, so I am happy to embrace the event in the spirit in which it is intended. Pirates games are soothing background noise while I read a book or mindlessly scroll on my phone, so atleast I have that going for me for the next six months, which is nice. 

I might have more thoughts on the NFL Draft before April 28, but for now let me offer one strong opinion. If my Pittsburgh Steelers mortgage the future to move up & select a quarterback who is far from certain to be a generational talent then the powers-that-be are absolute fools. I don’t think any quarterback in this draft is worthy of a first round pick, and I’m not sure any of them will be that successful in the NFL. I would prefer to see the Steelers address numerous other issues and ride with free agent signee Mitch Trubisky for a season (or two). If that means a couple of losing seasons before rebounding into perennial playoff contention for another long stretch then I’m okay with it. They’ve done a surprisingly good job of improving the offensive line this offseason, and I feel like they’re a wide receiver & perhaps some defensive depth away from being way better than anyone expects, but that isn’t a good enough reason to reach for a rookie quarterback in the draft. 

Congratulations to the Kansas Jayhawks for winning the NCAA Basketball National Championship. To be honest this year’s March Madness wasn’t all that memorable or compelling, although there were some decent games & exciting moments. The tournament felt kind of like cotton candy though…tastes sweet for a few fleeting seconds then melts away into nothingness. After all the hype about Gonzaga and upsets by underdogs like St. Peter’s & Miami (FL) the title game came down to Kansas & North Carolina…two blue-bloods despite the Tar Heels’ misleading #8 seed. As a fan there simply wasn’t anything to keep my attention outside of Coach K’s retirement. The title game being on TBS was weird, and not even One Shining Moment felt like Must See TV. 

It looks like Tiger Woods, a little over a year after suffering career threatening injuries in a car accident, will play in The Masters. As a fan I am excited to see him in the field, although expectations are obviously minimized. No one expects him to contend or even make the cut. As a human being I am fascinated by his redemption & comeback story. The sins of Tiger Woods are well-documented, but I am certainly not inclined to throw stones. The fact is that Woods in The Masters is good for golf and good for sports. If only my man Phil Mickelson were playing in the tournament 🤦🏻‍♂️…but that’s a whole other story. 

Speaking of basketball, it is my understanding that the NBA Playoffs will begin soon. I have no idea who the odds on favorites are or which teams may or may not be in the field. I believe I heard or read that the Los Angeles Lakers will miss the playoffs altogether, which makes me chuckle. Lebron James can pucker up & kiss my crippled fat ass *lol*. 

I suppose I have to address the Tom Brady situation. God knows I’d rather not think about the dude, much less write about him. At any rate, first Adam Schefter broke the news that TB12 was retiring, then Brady’s Dad was like “not so fast”, then a few days later Brady did post a retirement announcement on Instagram, because I guess that’s how it’s done nowadays. But wait…there’s more!! Like Jesus being tempted by Satan in the desert, Tom Brady spent 40 days in retirement before resurrecting his career. Much like Halloween‘s Michael Myers, the Clintons, and numerous rock bands who are my grandfather’s age, Brady just won’t go away. The only good to come out of this is the fact that Ben Roethlisberger won’t be forced into the background during the Hall of Fame festivities five years from now. 

The Madness 2022

Two years ago one of the first signs that the Covid-19 pandemic might be a bigger deal than many originally thought it to be was the stunning cancellation of the NCAA Basketball Tournament. March Madness became March Sadness very quickly. In 2021 the tournament returned, albeit with all the requisite virus-related protocols that we now know were pretty much useless. And now, though The Sickness is still an issue, most of us have decided to move forward, live our lives, and do our best without meaningless virtue signaling that does very little to protect anyone from anything. As far as I know that means March Madness will get underway tomorrow with all the pomp & circumstance it deserves. Technically the action is already underway with play-in games, or what the powers-that-be refer to as the First Four. I don’t pay any attention to those games, so for our purposes they’ll simply be overlooked. 

After years of hoping WordPress would create some sort of brackets plug-in to no avail I finally stumbled upon a way to visually represent my entire bracket here. It’s not perfect, but it’s the best I can do. A few things should be noted. First, this is my one & only bracket. I do not create multiple “Sheets of Integrity” (shout out to my guys Mike & Mike). I don’t enter into a bunch of contests trying to make big bucks off of this deal, mostly because I’m not that good of a prognosticator (if you follow our Pigskin Picks of Profundity during football season you’re well aware of that). I did throw $10 into one thing my nephew is doing, but I have low expectations. At any rate, this is really just a way for me to have some fun & make the games a bit more interesting, especially since neither my alma mater Marshall Thundering Herd or home team West Virginia Mountaineers are playing in the postseason. Also, as you’ll see, I really controlled myself when it comes to picking upsets. There’s alot of chalk in these choices. I know there’ll be a few shockers, but I have no idea what they will be so mostly I err on the side of caution and stay rather conservative in my predictions. The truth is that I don’t follow basketball nearly as close as I do football, so I am even more out of my depth than usual. That’s fine with me. I’ll still be glued to my television for the next few days, and if you are here I am guessing you will be too. 

East

The Baylor Bears are the defending National Champions (they beat Gonzaga for the title a year ago in case you forgot), and I think they have as good a chance to repeat as any champion we’ve seen in awhile. I’ve got Virginia Tech upsetting Texas and San Francisco beating Murray St. in Round 1, with the regional final coming down to Baylor & Kentucky. If that comes to pass it could be a hell of a game, but I think the Bears get the job done and return to the Final Four. 

West

I have to give Gonzaga credit. When a basketball team from a school in Spokane, WA  that no one had ever heard of burst onto the scene in 1999 by making it to the Elite 8 I don’t think anyone thought much of it. Just another Cinderella, right?? There’s one or two every year. But here we are, more than two decades later, and the Bulldogs have become not only a tournament mainstay but a consistent Top 10 team. Do they play the same level of competition as programs in the ACC, SEC, Big Ten, etc.?? Maybe not, but that doesn’t seem to matter. They’ve appeared in two Final Fours in the past five years, falling short in the title game both times. Can they go that far again?? Most of the talking heads will say yes, but I disagree. New Mexico St. over Connecticut is my choice for the annual 5/12 upset, but that’s the only surprise I foresee in the first round. Actually, it’s chalk all the way thru except for that game, which would set up an epic Gonzaga-Duke regional final and a bit of cognitive dissonance. I’m an underdog kind of guy, but who could’ve predicted just a few years ago that the Blue Devils would ever be the underdogs in this matchup?!?!?!?? I realize that Duke isn’t the same level of great they might’ve been a decade ago, but they have hovered near the Top 5 most of the season. Perhaps I’m being sucked into the emotional vortex of this being Coach K’s swan song, but I think in this particular circumstance his team has the depth & athleticism to win a squeaker. 

Midwest

I like the Miami Hurricanes to score a mild first round upset, and feel good about predicting the Iowa St. Cyclones to overcome the odds a few times, making it all the way to the Elite 8. They are my Cinderella and I’m pushing all my chips into the center of the table on them…kind of. Ultimately I foresee the Kansas Jayhawks emerging from the region and going to the Final Four. 

South 

Sadly, this is as crazy as it gets for me. I am predicting two big upsets in the first round: Michigan over Colorado St. & Loyola (Chicago) over Ohio St. It’s always fun to see Sister Jean & Loyola’s Gryffindor scarves, right?? Sister Jean is 102 years old, so this might be her last hurrah. I hope her guys give her one final thrill. Unfortunately I don’t believe it’ll be a long ride,  with the dream ending in Round 2. With mostly chalk prevailing I think it comes down to Arizona & Villanova, with the West Coast Wildcats punching their ticket to the Final Four.

Final Four

I am predicting Baylor vs. Duke and Arizona vs. Kansas in the semis. As cool as it would be to see Coach K ride off into the sunset with a sixth National Championship I think he’s going to have to settle for one last Final Four appearance. Baylor is just too strong & athletic. I’m not sure it will even be that close. I also don’t believe Kansas is quite as elite as they typically have been, and think Arizona will expose their weaknesses. So will anyone East of the Mississippi be interested in watching two West Coast teams battle for the championship?? I hope so…¦it could be a very entertaining contest. At the end of the day though I believe Baylor will cut down the nets, becoming the first back-to-back champs since the 2006 & 2007 Florida Gators. 

WEEKEND MOVIE MARATHONS: Ivan Reitman

Let’s call it happenstance. My friend Greg has been trying to get a podcast up & running for awhile, but life keeps getting in the way. With football finished & The Sammy Awards in the rear view mirror I find myself in an all too familiar writing funk, and since it’s my therapy the melancholy compounds itself. But then Ivan Reitman died. Now, with all due respect & total sincerity, I am NOT saying that Reitman’s demise is in any way positive or good, however I do believe in making lemonade out of lemons, so when Greg contacted me with an idea to do an episode of the podcast dedicated to the departed director a couple of decisions were made. First of all, if I am going to intelligently opine I needed a refresher on Ivan Reitman’s work. Secondly, while I am not sure what path we may go down on the podcast, I had always planned on doing a Weekend Movie Marathon focusing on Reitman. So here we are.

Friday Night

No Strings Attached

Ivan Reitman isn’t a name I immediately associate with rom-coms, but he did direct this one about a decade ago. No Strings Attached stars Natalie Portman & Ashton Kutcher and should not be confused with Friends with Benefits, a similarly themed film starring Justin Timberlake & Mila Kunis that was released just six months later. Since Kutcher & Kunis are married I wonder if they’ve ever argued about which movie is better?? Personally I find both mildly pleasant, although critics like Friends with Benefits significantly more. Anyway, you know what you’re getting from the jump…two people who agree to a casual, non-romantic, purely physical relationship catch feelings. It’s nice to see an Academy Award winning actress like Portman have fun and not fall into the trap of thinking she has to stick with tedious, pensive, dramatic roles.

Saturday Matinee

Kindergarten Cop

At some point someone got the idea that action hero Arnold Schwarzenegger should transition into comedy. Perhaps it was Ivan Reitman since he directed three such efforts. To be honest Kindergarten Cop isn’t as much of a straight comedy as it is a lighthearted action drama that utilizes cute kids in supporting roles to make it seem less…actiony. The future Governator plays a cop who goes undercover as a kindergarten teacher (hence the title) to apprehend a drug kingpin. There are some vaguely recognizable faces (Angela Bassett shows up as a stewardess just a year or two before she became well-known), and Penelope Ann Miller portrays the protagonist’s love interest. Whatever happened to Miller?? She should’ve been a huge movie star, but really hasn’t done anything notable since the early 90’s.

Saturday Night

Meatballs

One of Bill Murray’s earliest films, and the first of a few collaborations between he & Reitman. Teens at summer camp is a tried & true cinematic formula, and though Meatballs doesn’t really stand out from the crowd (it’s not particularly raunchy or even that hilarious), it is notable as a showcase for Murray’s comedic talents and solidifying the idea that his shtick could migrate from Saturday Night Live to the big screen.

Sunday Matinee

Draft Day

Kevin Costner is known for his sports-centric movies. Bull Durham. Field of Dreams. Tin Cup. American Flyers. For Love of the Game. I’m pretty sure Draft Day wouldn’t crack the Top 3 on that list, but if you’re one of those nerds whose eyes are glued to the television for three days every spring watching guys like Mel Kiper Jr., Todd McShay, & Rich Eisen break down the NFL’s Annual Selection Meeting then you appreciate this underrated gem. I just so happen to be one of those geeks. It’s kind of predictable & the romantic subplot is totally unnecessary, but a supporting cast that includes Jennifer Garner, Denis Leary, Sam Elliott, Chadwick Boseman, & Ellen Burstyn helps make it sufficiently entertaining.

Sunday Night

Twins

The Schwarzenegger comedy experiment came out of the gate strong. The plot involves 4ft.11, 150lb. Danny Devito & 6ft.2, 260lb. Schwarzenegger being long lost fraternal twins as a result of a genetics lab experiment. Of course that kind of amusing visual joke would typically make a funny SNL skit, while turning it into a feature film is tricky. Kudos to the actors & Reitman for pulling it off. Critics offered mixed reviews, but Joe Sixpack made Twins the 16th highest grossing movie of 1988, which isn’t too shabby in a year when the competition included classics like Coming to America, Good Morning Vietnam, Big, Die Hard, Moonstruck, Scrooged, Beetlejuice, & Bull Durham. A long rumored sequel (that waited so long Eddie Murphy’s role allegedly shifted to Tracey Morgan, which is like downgrading from Dom Perignon to Mad Dog 20/20) was set to get off the ground soon, but with Ivan Reitman’s departure from this mortal coil who knows what might happen. Perhaps his son Jason will take on the project.

WINNING & MUSING…VOLUME 1.22

Our first edition of W&M in 2022 is football heavy as usual, but that’ll change in the not-too-distant future. For now it is time to bid farewell to goal posts & penalty flags and say so long to QB sacks & onside kicks. Enjoy. 

Kudos to the Super Bowl Champion Los Angeles Rams. As a Steelers fan I wasn’t about to cheer for the Cincinnati Bengals, and I’m beginning to get a little uncomfortable with the sports media’s blatant attempts to position Cincy QB Joe Burrow as Tom Brady 2.0. The kid seems a bit too big for his britches (shout out to my late Grandma P.), so perhaps it’s best he was brought down a peg or two. Also, after wasting over a decade with the hapless Detroit Lions one can’t help but be happy for Rams’ QB Matthew Stafford (I bet Calvin Johnson wishes he would’ve gotten an opportunity to play football somewhere other than Detroit). The game itself was rather prosaic, although thankfully it wasn’t a blowout. I have no opinion about any of the commercials because I had company who is literally unable to STOP TALKING for longer than ten seconds at a time (it’s exhausting). I’m not going to crown the halftime show featuring nearly every old school rapper that hasn’t been shot yet as “the best EVER”, but it was sufficiently entertaining. That kind of music was never my jam back in the 90s, but if it was yours then you probably enjoyed the show way more than me. 

After an atrocious 1-7 record for each of us in the final week of the season, our Pigskin Picks of Profundity ended with yours truly scoring the season victory at 57-69, while Zach was 49-77 on the year. Although I wish we were more skilled prognosticators, as always it was so much fun doing these picks with my nephew, an annual tradition I’ve come to really appreciate.

In the wake of an ultra exciting weekend of playoff football a few weeks ago fans were calling the Chiefs-Bills clash that KC won in overtime one of the best football games they’d ever seen while lamenting the lame NFL OT rules that essentially allow a coin toss to decide the outcome. I don’t necessarily disagree with those sentiments, but I also have an alternative view. If I were in charge of the NFL overtime would follow the general idea of the current college football OT rules (more on that below), but let’s focus on defense. Y’all remember defense right?? We used to believe that “defense wins championships”, but that no longer seems to be true. Buffalo was up by three points in that game with thirteen seconds remaining. 13 seconds!! Yet they allowed Kansas City to get into field goal range with just a couple of long passes, which gave the home team an opportunity to execute the game tying field goal. While it is undeniably fun to watch great skill players & elite QBs throw haymaker after haymaker like what transpired between the Buffalo Bills & Kansas City Chiefs, let’s not get it twisted. The “Bills Mafia” can blame stupid overtime rules all they want, but the fact is that all their team had to do was stop the opposition from going 44 yards in 13 seconds and they failed. 

Congratulations to newly minted MLB Hall-of-Famer David Ortiz, who will be enshrined in Cooperstown this summer. Big Papi won three World Series with the Boston Red Sox, was a ten time All-Star, and had a .286 career batting average with 541 home runs in 20 seasons. Sadly, Ortiz’s moment was overshadowed a bit by hand-wringing over Barry Bonds & Roger Clemens not being selected in their final year on the ballot. I find it interesting that so many will passionately defend known defrauders of the game like Bonds & Clemens, yet they’re perfectly fine with Curt Schilling being excluded from the Hall of Fame. Schilling’s alleged mediocrity…6 time All-Star, 3 time World Series Champion, 3000+ strikeouts…is a weak excuse since we all know the real reason the powers-that-be don’t like him is because of his very candid political opinions. 

Y’all, I didn’t even keep track of college football’s bowl season while it was happening, but I did go back & check the numbers. Zach edged me by a couple of games in our Bowl-a-Palooza picks, going 18-19 while I was 16-21. Five bowl games were canceled altogether, while two games were played with altered matchups so those results were tossed aside. Between COVID, the transfer portal, star players opting out to prepare for the NFL Draft, & the coaching carousel, bowl season didn’t seem like very much fun this year. When the playoff is expanded something is going to need to be done to make the other games matter for fans and apparently players & coaches.

Okay, so let’s talk overtime. The current college football OT rules allow each offense to have the ball starting on their opponent’s 25 yard line, meaning they’re essentially in field goal range already. No matter what Offense A does Offense B gets the ball (also on the opponent’s 25 yard line). The wildcard is what does Offense A do with the ball?? At worst they’ll have an opportunity to kick a 41 yard field goal (unless they turn the ball over). That’s not a chip shot, but it’s more than makable in most circumstances. At best they’ll score a touchdown & put the pressure on the opposing team’s offense. Now here’s where it gets weird. If both teams trade matching scores and there is a second overtime, any TD must be followed up with a 2 point conversion instead of an extra point. Then, if we make it to a third OT, the teams just alternate 2 point plays (that start on the three yard line), which is basically a football variation of penalty kicks in soccer. I despise the two point conversion rule for overtime. In contrast, the NFL does have a kickoff (after a coin toss, with the winner of that always choosing to receive…obviously), and if Offense A scores a touchdown the game is over. If they score a FG or don’t score at all Offense B gets an opportunity. If Offense B matches what Offense A did then it becomes sudden death, and if the teams are still tied at the end of 10 minutes the game ends in a tie. My proposal would be a hybrid of the two differing systems, and would ideally be implemented on both levels…college & pro. Give Offense A the ball on the 50 yard line. I’m not usually a proponent of minimizing special teams, but in this case I believe it works best. The offense isn’t already in field goal range and has some work to do, while the defense has a legit opportunity to do their job. No matter what happens Offense B will get a chance to possess the football. Unlike the current college system I would have a time clock, but, as opposed to current NFL rules, I’d bump the extra period back up to 15 minutes (I don’t like ties but can live with the theoretical yet unlikely possibility that it could happen). No team would ever be forced to attempt a two point conversion unless they choose to do so. 

I would be remiss not to mention the retirement of Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Thankfully it wasn’t a surprise, and it was time. I don’t know if all the blame belongs with offensive coordinator Matt Canada, or if Big Ben just didn’t have an arm anymore, but the offense had become painful to watch. I enjoy an occasional screen pass, and realize “bubble screens” specifically have become part of football, but I just don’t believe throwing the ball five yards or less downfield constantly is productive, especially when defenses are expecting it. To be clear, I am aware that the Steelers’ offensive line was abysmal this past season & needs a major overhaul. I’m not completely sold on the receiving corps either: Chase Claypool, Diontae Johnson, & JuJu Schuster aren’t nearly as great as they believe themselves to be. Aside from those issues though, an aging quarterback with zero mobility & a weakening arm simply doesn’t bode well, especially when the AFC boasts young guns who can move like Patrick Mahomes, Josh Allen, Lamar Jackson, Justin Herbert, & Joe Burrow. Roethlisberger was never fast, but he always had tremendous escapability that allowed him to scramble & extend plays. That escapability had noticeably diminished, and when combined with a poor offensive line & questionable play calls the Steelers offense was doomed. So, as the Steelers & all the fans prepare to move forward, right now I want to give one last shoutout to Ben Roethlisberger. It has been a joy to watch you, from the moment I gathered with co-workers at a local sports bar on that spring day 18 years ago & watched my Steelers draft you with the eleventh pick, thru two Super Bowl victories, all the way to a bitterly decisive playoff defeat at the hands of the Kansas City Chiefs last month. More importantly, it has been delightful to see you evolve from an impetuous young man into a mature & responsible husband, father, leader, & adult. People still like to bring up the past & criticize you for mistakes made 15 years ago, but I’d tell those people to clean their own house first. None of us are perfect, and you’ve gone thru your battles very publicly. From a football perspective I wish you’d have gotten atleast a couple more opportunities in the Super Bowl, but so many factors play into that. You got us two Lombardis & provided many other great memories. I don’t know if coaching or ownership or anything football related is in your future, but as a fan I sincerely hope to have you as part of the Steelers organization in some capacity down the road.

POINTS OF PONDERATION…..EPISODE 1.22 

A semi-regular attempt to address some of life’s minutiae that might otherwise be overlooked…..

I keep seeing people repost this diatribe on social media about being fully vaccinated and not knowing “what’s in it” just like they didn’t know what was in the vaccines they took as kids, the secret recipe of KFC chicken, various medications, or assorted personal hygiene products, and the whole thing is asinine. It completely misses the point, and also includes outright lies. At the end it notes that the proud poster is vaccinated because: 

  • “I want to do something other than just staying locked in my home”. Well, you know what, if you’ve been locked in your house the past two years that’s largely your fault. Most folks with common sense & critical thinking skills resumed a fairly normal routine awhile ago, with certain obvious precautions & limitations. COVID is a thing. It’s undeniable, and it has altered our lives…perhaps forever. But let’s simmer down on the histrionics. If you want to go out & live a little there’s not a whole lot that’s totally stopping you. 
  • “I want to travel & hug people without fear”. First of all, turn off the TV. Stop letting the news media scare you. Secondly, if you face restrictions of any kind blame the businesses & government entities needlessly imposing those rules.
  • “To not die from Covid-19”. I personally know multiple people who were fully vaccinated & boostered and still died 🤷🏻‍♂️. 
  • “To hug my loved ones”. No one is stopping you from doing that. The only roadblock you face is your own irrational fear.
  • “To not have to do tests to go to a restaurant, etc.” Vaccine mandates are stupid, and more people are figuring that out every day. I personally refuse to support any business that imposes such restrictions. This isn’t Nazi Germany.
  • “To live my life”. Let me say it a little louder – No. One. Is. Stopping. You. And to the extent that you are facing roadblocks to the usual freedoms, those will not go away even if COVID were to be eradicated. This whole situation hasn’t been about our health & well-being for awhile. The powers-that-be now have a clear understanding of just how easily the masses can be controlled by fear & manipulation, and it’s our fault for letting that happen. Do you honestly believe they will ever give up that control??
  • “For Covid-19 to be an old memory”. That’s not going to happen. It’s here to stay. There will always be spikes & new variants. Maybe one day the talking heads will become bored by it all, but that isn’t going to be anytime soon. 
  • “To protect us”. That “vaccine” isn’t protecting jack squat. Its main benefit is the false sense of security provided to those who happily submit. That’s fine if it helps you sleep at night. 

All of the (legit) vaccines we received as children…mumps, polio, measles, et al…are mentioned, saying that the poster’s parents “trusted the science”, and as a result they’ve never suffered thru or transmitted any of those maladies. It fails to mention that the COVID “vaccine” doesn’t prevent a person from getting or spreading COVID!! For God’s sake people…think before you post!! I’ve lost a lot of respect for those who I believed to be reasonably intelligent folks that I now realize are gullible sheep. 

My experience with dating apps:

  • She’s gorgeous & has her shit together. She’s WAY out of my league.
  • Okay, she’s kind of cute. Her profile reads like a list of ransom demands though, and I’m vaguely frightened 👀.
  • Gives off a chill vibe?? Check. Attractive?? Check. Seems like someone I’d be interested in getting to know?? Check. It’s too bad she lives 100+ miles away 😕.
  • Super hot. Lots of cleavage. Double entendres galore. Probably a dude. Or a cop 👮🏻‍♂️.
  • Oh, cool…finally, a woman in my local area!! She’s three decades my senior, has a cigarette hanging from her mouth, & sounds like she might be mentally ill. Vaguely reminiscent of Abe Vigoda with notes of Rosie O’Donnell & a hint of Phyllis from The Office 😬.

#IGiveUp 

So, Academy Award nominations have been announced. First, The Sammys are still way cooler than The Oscars. Second, I won’t be watching…haven’t seen the show in years. Bunch of pretentious windbags besmirching what should be one of the highlights of their professional lives by spewing ignorant, out of touch, woke garbage, and rarely do the movies that interest me & the ones that critics adore intersect. Having said all of that, I do have a few opinions. The only Best Picture nominee I’ve seen is King Richard, which won the Sammy Award for Favorite Movie. I might eventually check out the updated West Side Story, but didn’t see it on the big screen. It blows my freakin’ mind that Kristen Stewart has been nominated for an Oscar. Seriously…she has the disposition of lukewarm tap water. Never in a million years did I ever think such a succubus of charisma could possibly win an Academy Award. On the flip side is Will Smith, who has always had charm & personality to spare. Though it weirds me out a bit that The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air has gone from gettin’ jiggy wit it to being nominated for an Oscar I hope he wins. Not only is he someone I’ve actually heard of, but his performance in King Richard is truly excellent. I’m kind of surprised that Ben Affleck didn’t get a Best Supporting Actor nod for The Tender Bar. The movie isn’t that great but his performance seemed award worthy. I’ve seen some comments opining that the latest Spider-Man flick should’ve been nominated for Best Picture, but come on now…we all know that’s not how Hollywood rolls. God forbid they recognize a good film that Joe Sixpack actually enjoyed.

Full disclosure…I’ve never listened to Joe Rogan’s podcast, but recent events have piqued my interest and I might have to give it a whirl. 25 years ago who could’ve predicted that (with the exception of the late great Phil Hartman) Rogan would be the NewsRadio alumnus that’d have the biggest (pop) cultural impact?? One could have made bank on that prop bet. 

Thoughts on relationships…

Ladies, some unsolicited advice: no guy is going to invest much effort in a woman who seems to hate men. I’m as jaded as anyone, but at some point cynicism becomes really unattractive, so perhaps you might want to consider toning it down. This is when the “unfollow” button comes in handy. Sometimes people are going thru some stuff, and I understand that, but it doesn’t mean I want to go thru it with you. I no longer want to be “a good guy”, “like a brother”, or a “cool friend”. What’s in it for me?? I’m not going to let someone unload all their drama, seeking validation, counsel, or a sympathetic ear, then later that night some other guy with washboard abs & deep pockets gets to see her naked & drill her like an oil field. That’s called being used, and it’s not okay. It has become tedious. I have one sister…that’s all I need or want. If the dude with cool tatts & a big schlong isn’t also willing or capable of meeting your emotional needs then perhaps you need to reevaluate your situation. This drive thru is closed.