The Island of Misfit Blog Posts

The place to find stuff that doesn’t really fit any particular category.

OMG!! Rain!! Drowsiness!! High Winds!! Constipation!!

As I write this my Pittsburgh Penguins have just been eliminated from the NHL Playoffs while their best player…ostensibly the best player in the world…Sidney Crosby watched from a luxury box after having been out since January…over 4 months…with a concussion. Now I am no doctor, but four months for a concussion seems extreme to say the least. Either there is something that Penguins’ brass are not telling us, or they are playing it very very very safe. The latter is more likely, which is the point of my irritation at the moment.

 

I had already been irritated by a couple of other things lately, neither related to hockey but tangentially connected to my point, which I will eventually get around to making. First, one of the local TV stations in my area has, over the course of the past year or two, made a habit out of interrupting whatever it is I am watching with what initially sounds like a dire weather emergency…batten down the hatches, Katy bar the door, head for the hills. But when one gets past all the fancy graphics and Doppler radar what the well-meaning meteorologist has done is cut in on General Hospital to tell me it is going to rain. Really?? I don’t mean to sound like the clichéd old fogey that talks about walking to school barefoot in 3 feet of snow uphill both ways, but when I was a child we would get some pretty rockin’ thunderstorms throughout the spring & summer and we never had much of a warning. Now I will admit that it is kind of cool that technology allows one to pinpoint exactly when & where a storm is going to occur and how long it will last, but I just don’t think it is necessary. And personally I find it far less important than finding out if Elizabeth is FINALLY going to tell Lucky that he, not Nikolas, is Aiden’s father.

 

The second thing that I have been more amused than annoyed by for a few years are drug commercials. You’ve seen them…Cialis, Boniva, Nexium, Cymbalta, Chantix. They promise to cure everything from erectile dysfunction to depression to high cholesterol. Now…again with the old fogeyness…when I was a kid drugs weren’t advertised on television, or atleast I don’t recall that they were. Medication was the domain of doctors. You didn’t feel good, you went to the doctor, he prescribed something, and you picked it up at the pharmacy. When did we start allowing meds to be hocked in commercials like they are a product we are intent on selling as much of as possible instead of as little as possible (which would be preferable)?? No wonder we have a drug problem in America. And truth be told the collective effects of all these various pills are far worse for us than marijuana, which of course remains illegal. But that’s a different diatribe for another day. What’s even more sad is that, for reasons that I am sure involve whole teams of high priced attorneys, these commercials must disclose possible side effects, and it is sometimes hilarious in a macabre sort of way. After spending about half of the commercial telling us what a particular drug can do for us, a fast talking voiceover tells us in a hushed tone all the bad things the drug can do to us…upset stomach, constipation, nausea, bloating, heartburn, painful swallowing, diarrhea, joint & muscle pain, dry mouth, indigestion, a sudden & unsafe drop in blood pressure, dizziness, shortness of breath, liver problems, death. Yes, I said death. Now maybe it’s just because I hate taking pills anyway, but I have to ask myself whether or not the positive aspects of a particular medication outweigh the possible side effects, and when the side effects include death the answer becomes obvious.

 

The truth, however, is that medications have always had side effects, just as the consequences of concussions have always been there and we’ve dealt with thunderstorms and other weather occurrences since the beginning of time. The difference is now technology allows us to have an overflow of information about every conceivable issue right at our fingertips with minimal effort. We have no excuse to be ignorant about a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g. The question becomes “Is that a good thing??”.

 

On the surface the answer would seem to be yes. Unlike the 19th Century it isn’t common in 2011 for 35 year olds to drop dead of diseases like scarlet fever or tuberculosis because advances in medicine have cured many things or atleast minimized the damage. And I am certainly not anti-technology. I love my television & computer, and of course how could we do much of anything without our automobiles. But I do think we can suffer from paralysis from analysis. We don’t simply go out and buy what we need anymore…we compare, look at reviews, research the product online, and listen to every “expert” on the subject we can find. Political opinions?? We let an endless array of pundits “spin” us instead of making up our own minds based on critical thinking or maybe even prayer & guidance from Above. Food?? Who the hell can eat anymore since we are told that nearly everything, including air & water, will kill us. Books?? We wait for the thumbs up from Oprah or atleast read how many stars people give it on Amazon. Movies?? Siskel & Ebert may not be around anymore (well, Ebert is still alive but his face is gone) but there are still a plethora of media types that tell us whether or not a film is good before we ever step into the theater. It is exhausting.

 

Maybe having all this information at our disposal isn’t all that swell. Maybe it just causes us more stress. I think I would rather get my medication prescribed by a doctor and not have it sold to me. If it rains I think I am smart enough to seek shelter or take any other necessary precautions. And darn it, I think that a professional athlete needs to either play or retire, not sit on the sidelines for six months because he got an owie and a bunch of suits are scared of what might happen. All of this is connected to The Nanny State and The Wussification of America, things that I have touched on more than once. We may live longer now than we ever did, but do we live better?? Is it better to live life with gusto, have fun, take chances, and throw caution to the wind for 50 years or to crawl into the corner and be scared of our own shadow for 99 years?? The answer, as usual, is probably somewhere in the middle. It is fantastic that we have medications that can legitimately make us feel better and improve our quality of life, that we can make intelligent decisions rather than playing Indian poker with our hard earned money, and that we know that we probably should wear a light jacket or bring along our umbrella. But at the same time we cannot allow our lives to be taken over by microscopic examination of every detail. The 80’s classic Risky Business gave the masses some great advice: ““Every now and then say, ‘What the heck.’ ‘What the heck’ gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity. Opportunity makes your future.” If there is going to be a storm I’ll deal with it, but in the meantime I just really want to find out if Michael or Abby shot that scumbag Brandon or if it was in fact crazy mob boss Anthony Zacchara who we all know wants to take over the Corinthos Organization.

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The Rocco Chronicles…..Chapter 1

I honestly don’t know what took so long for this idea to form in my brain, but today I am introducing a new area here at The Manofesto dedicated to my roommate, my best little buddy, and the closest thing I have and may ever get to having a child…my dog Rocco. He’s a couple months shy of turning 3, while The Manoverse was formed in my image just over 2 years ago, so I am surprised that I didn’t feel compelled to do this right from the start. Maybe it’s just that deeper, more thought-provoking subjects are beginning to lose their luster.

At any rate, it all began on a warm and stormy July evening. I had made my way to a local Independence Day celebration featuring a symphony orchestra and fireworks. It was July 3, because the symphony never plays in our town on the actual holiday. After all, we have to import them from elsewhere because Lord knows my little hometown isn’t culturally literate enough to have its own orchestra. So on this particular night…a Thursday if memory serves me correctly…I headed to the local park for some music and explosives. As I was sitting in my usual spot I noticed that people kept going up to this couple with a rather large cardboard in their vicinity. Upon further review I noticed that all these folks were holding puppies. More specifically, pugs.

I waited until the small crowd had dissipated before checking out the scene myself. Sure enough the box contained two pugs, both about 7 weeks old. I talked to the couple, who it turned out were breeders from a nearby city. I am not one to jump into things blindly, so after holding one of the pups for a few minutes I decided that I’d ponder the issue and then atleast get the couple’s phone number at intermission. Unfortunately Mother Nature had other ideas.

Just minutes before the show was set to start it began to rain. And this was no light sprinkle…this was a deluge. I look forward to this show every year, and I really didn’t want to leave, but the vast majority of the crowd had already headed toward their vehicles so I followed suit. By the time I made it back to Big Red (my red Buick Skylark) I was soaked. I couldn’t possibly have been any wetter if I’d dove into a swimming pool. I sat in the car for a few minutes, but most folks were leaving and the storm wasn’t letting up, so I headed home, about 10-15 minutes from the park. Wouldn’t you know it, just about the time I pulled into the parking lot of my building the rain began to taper off. I went upstairs to The Bachelor Palace and turned on the TV, only to immediately see a crawl across the bottom of the screen on the local station saying that the symphony and fireworks were still on despite the weather and that the show would start in about 10 minutes. I was not a happy camper. I knew that by the time I changed out of my dripping clothes and got back to the park that not only would I have an issue with parking but I’d certainly be missing a good chunk of the show. Deciding that it was my own stupid fault for not being patient (if only I’d sat in my car back at the venue for another 10 minutes), I just chose to stay home. I had a feeling it may rain again soon anyway (I was wrong).

As if missing the symphony & fireworks wasn’t enough, it dawned on me…after I’d slipped into dry clothes…that I hadn’t gotten the number of the dog breeders. Crap!! Now I was doubly unhappy. However, occasionally a light bulb comes on in my noggin, and I had an idea. I decided to check on the website of my local paper to see if there might be an ad. Afterall, taking two (and there were 8 in the litter…2 boys & 6 girls) puppies to the park during a Fourth of July celebration couldn’t possibly be the only outlet they’d use, right?? Right I was. There was an ad!! I waited until Saturday so as not to infringe on anyone’s freedom festivities, and called to ask some questions. I had done some research online and felt like I knew the information I needed. I had known for quite some time that if I ever got a dog that pugs were high on the list. I wanted a small dog, but not a wussy dog like the ones women carry around in their purse. I had always thought that their smushed face was kind of adorable. And I liked the fact that even though they are small they are sturdy & strong…kind of manly. All of this had been a vague thought amassed somewhere in the deep recesses of my brain, but I’d never really given it serious ponderation because for the first several years I’d lived in The Bachelor Palace dogs were not allowed. However, that restriction had been lifted about 2 years previous, and pets were now permitted as long as they did not exceed certain size limitations, which was fine by me given my preference for smaller dogs anyway. Pugs were easily within acceptable parameters, yet because of my penchant for not making snap decisions I still didn’t commit to anything after the initial phone conversation with the breeder. But I was at the point where I was very seriously considering becoming a dog owner.

At this point I should mention the issue of timing. The summer of 2008 was the perfect time for me to get a dog, and I knew it. I had been out of commission for 2 years with an ulcer on my tailbone. Hospitals, “skilled” nursing facilities, surgery…it was an ordeal, but by that summer I was recovered and back out & about, trying to get back to business-as-usual. However…and this is the key…I was not back to work yet, so for a very brief window of time I had ample time to spend on training & such. I realized that in the very near future I’d have a job and it might be very difficult to have a brand spanking new puppy to take care of as well. This was the moment. I had the time, the funds, and the opportunity to get the exact kind of dog that I wanted.

A couple days later, after some heavy research about pugs, I called the breeder back and made arrangements to visit their home and choose from amongst the litter. However, I knew I wanted a male, so I really only had to choose from among two. The day after that I received a call saying that one of the males had been claimed, so now there was only one remaining and he was mine. The lady I was dealing with made mention that their family was coming back my way on Friday and they’d be happy to bring my puppy along. We made arrangements to meet at a convenient location, which we did.

The rest, as they say, is history. I will delve into that history a bit more some other time, but this is a blog, not a novel, right??

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An Ode to Salad Dressing, Cute Waitresses, & Cheesecake

I am a bachelor, so I eat out a lot…probably too much. And while I have given up fast food for Lent I am still allowing myself to partake of a decent sit down meal on occasion. I did just that a couple weeks ago, deciding to enjoy March Madness while also munching on some tasty wings. My initial plan was to head to one of the large chain places that I will not provide with free advertising, but I changed course and ended up at a local place that is fairly new and that I had not tried yet. In the process of eating and such I began to reflect on what I consider important when passing judgment on an eatery. Legendary actor Burt Lancaster once said “I judge a restaurant by the bread and by the coffee”. I am not really all that particular about those two things, but I do have my own metrics.

Obviously atmosphere is important. A place doesn’t have to be fancy, but it should be clean. Just because hot dogs and sandwiches are the anchors of the menu does not give an establishment an excuse to be dirty or creepy in any way, although a fancy Italian restaurant will logically be viewed through a different prism than a pizza place.

I almost always drink iced tea at a sit down restaurant. As silly as it sounds iced tea can be done right or wrong. It is rare that I get tea bad enough to color my whole experience negatively, but it is possible. Also, refills are a key issue. Don’t fill my glass up if it is still 2/3 full, but do not leave me sitting there on empty for too long. I also like lots of ice. And does the wait staff have to take my glass back to the kitchen to fill it, or do they bring a pitcher to the table?? Not a dealbreaker at all, but it is something I notice.

The next thing I look at are the menus. I used to work at a print shop and did a little graphic design, so I know cheap from decent. A menu need not be extravagantly produced, but it is a small thing that can have an effect on one’s impression. And there better not be misspellings. That is completely unacceptable and unprofessional.

Chances are at a nice restaurant salad will be served preceding the meal. I am not a fan of fancy salads with various kinds of greens, even though I know they are healthier than good old iceberg lettuce. Your mileage may vary. But regardless of what one’s preference may be, the more important issue is the dressing. There are a myriad of issues here. First, there had better be a good selection. High end places will usually have some sort of vinaigrette…maybe even a few variations. That’s fine. I don’t particularly care for that sort of thing though, and Italian, French, Ranch, and Bleu Cheese are the staples in most restaurants I frequent anyway. Bonus points if Thousand Island, Creamy Italian, or other less common choices are available. How is the dressing served?? Is it already on the salad when I get it, and if so is there enough of it?? Serving the dressing on the side in one of those round plastic containers with a lid is acceptable, especially if it is in a sports bar or any other low key restaurant that is on a level above fast food but can’t really be thought of as fancy. What I do not like…at all…is having my dressing given to me in a packet that I could have purchased myself at the grocery store. That is just cheap, even for a small Mom & Pop establishment. Also, please let me finish my salad before you bring my meal out. Obviously no one wants to wait an unreasonable amount of time for their food, but on the other hand don’t rush me.

It goes without saying that the quality of service and the yumminess of the food are the most important factors when assessing the value of a restaurant. Wendy’s owner Dave Thomas stated “It all comes back to the basics. Serve customers the best-tasting food at a good value in a clean, comfortable restaurant, and they’ll keep coming back.” However, both things are important. If the food is delicious but the service is horrible I will hesitate to return, and conversely if the service is excellent but the food is wretched my return is unlikely unless I hear some changes have been made in the kitchen. I like waiters/waitresses that are friendly without being obnoxiously chipper. And being a bachelor means that a lovely waitress who bats her eyes, smiles, and maybe flirts a bit will make my return…sooner rather than later…a reasonably safe bet.

Last but not least comes dessert. It always surprises me when I eat at a fairly nice restaurant, finish my meal, and am presented with the check without even being asked if I’d like dessert. I am not suggesting a hard upsell by the wait staff…don’t try to convince me to have dessert. But for pete’s sake atleast ask if I am interested. If/when I am asked there is a better than 50/50 chance I will partake because that’s just how I roll (and probably why I need to shed some poundage). Now the mark of a really upscale place is a dessert cart. I love those. But they seem to be rare. Most of the time the desserts will be on the menu, and the vast majority of the time…especially if it is my first time eating at a particular restaurant…I will test drive the cheesecake. I am a major chocoholic, but I can satisfy that craving with a candy bar out of the vending machine or with any one of a number of ice cream flavors. Cheesecake is special. It is the quintessential restaurant experience and can really tip the scales from mediocre/decent to “that was awesome”. I analyze cheesecake like a grocery shopper buys a melon. There is a level of firmness that I look for which tells me if the cheesecake was made from scratch or if it came out of a box. Trust me…if it’s a $5 Jello No Bake box special I can tell in a heartbeat. If one wants to buy that sort of thing to take to a picnic or a covered dish at church that’s fine, but if I am in a restaurant and probably paying around $5 for one piece I do not think it is unreasonable to expect something better. Plain or with topping?? Ehhh…it depends on my mood. But I like having the option. I’ll usually go for blueberry if it is available. A sports bar I used to eat at frequently would put chocolate sauce on cheesecake if requested, but strangely enough I did not really like it. Chocolate cheesecake…big thumbs up. Regular cheesecake with chocolate topping…not so much. Odd.

At the end of the day it really is about the food first, and then the service. But there are little things that make a difference. What those things are likely varies wildly from person to person, and can be molded & shaped depending on the type of restaurant one is eating at on a particular day. But once one finds a combination of factors that are pleasing then it is likely that establishment has found a lifelong patron, because as director Federico Fellini once said “It is easier to be faithful to a restaurant than it is to a woman”.

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My Lenten Sacrifice – 2011

A year ago I wrote about my search for a genuine spiritual experience instead of the superficial, hypocritical, half-hearted religiosity so common in 21st Century America. This wasn’t…isn’t…meant as a criticism of any particular group or individual, for I have been known to be as guilty as anyone of being a “7th Day Christian”, meaning one who only plays at being a Christian for a couple of hours each Sunday morning. Am I doing better?? I think so, but I am always striving to do more…..to be more. I certainly don’t lack in good influences, including my great friend The Owl, my buddy Don (whose blog, Citizen Don, is linked on this page), and several folks with whom I attend church. As part of this progress last year I decided to take Lent seriously, and the results were pretty good.

To review…for the heathens among you and those in Mingo County…Lent is the traditional time of preparation beginning on Ash Wednesday and culminating in Holy Week, which of course is the remembrance of Christ’s crucifixion and resurrection. Typically Lent lasts 40 days, similar to the forty days Jesus spent in the desert resisting the temptations of Satan (Matthew 4:1-11, Luke 4:1-13), the forty days & nights Moses spent on Mount Sinai receiving The Ten Commandments from God (Exodus 19:1-25), the forty years the Jewish nation spent wandering in the desert, and the forty days & nights rains fell upon the Earth while Noah and his animals were holed up in The Ark (Genesis Chapters 6-9). 40 is a very important number in The Bible, and is used by God to represent a period of testing or judgment.

Traditionally Christians sacrifice, or give up, something during Lent. I used to make light of this tradition, cracking jokes about giving up various frivolities or things that I didn’t really utilize anyway, but Lent is about conversion, turning our lives more completely over to Christ and cleansing our life of sin. Our goal should not be just to refrain from something meaningless during Lent but to take a major step toward ridding our lives of sin forever. Conversion means leaving behind our old ways and embracing new life in Christ. Galatians 2:20 says “I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me”. That verse has haunted me for years not just because I wonder how many people’s old lives have truly been crucified so that Christ now lives in them, but more pointedly I ask myself if I have truly become that new creation God wants me to be. Maybe the fact that I even ask myself the question speaks volumes about how short I fall on a daily basis. At any rate, I decided in 2010 to take my Lenten sacrifice more seriously, and I am doing the same this year.

Last year I decided to give up Facebook during Lent. On the surface that may seem like a meaningless, frivolous sacrifice, but in reality it was very difficult. Facebook is how I stay in touch with all sorts of friends & family, and to be honest I’d much rather spend a rainy day reading a book and mindlessly perusing Facebook than watching almost anything on television. I missed staying in touch with folks during that forty day period, and it truly was very hard, but I did it and was very happy. I read more, prayed and studied The Word much more, and even got some tidying up done around The Bachelor Palace. However, I will not be giving up Facebook again. Been there, done that afterall. It’s time for a new challenge.

After some brief contemplation regarding the 2011 Lenten Sacrifice, the answer became clear fairly quickly. I am 38 years old and if I’m being perfectly frank, probably not nearly as healthy as I should be. Genetics are against me, as obesity and diabetes are present on both sides of my family. I am a paraplegic due to a birth defect called spina bifida, which means I use a wheelchair and don’t get a lot of exercise. Environmental forces don’t help either, since I live in one of the nation’s most economically challenged states & don’t exactly have a large bank account myself, and studies linking poor eating habits to lower incomes are easily found. However, putting all those factors aside, I am the one who goes through a drive thru or has greasy, carb-o-licious food delivered to my home atleast 3 or 4 times per week. I am the one who invades the snack cabinet at work every night and eats 2 or three candy bars. I am the one who lost thirty pounds just 5 short years ago (albeit while locked up in a “skilled” nursing facility) and gained it all back. So legitimate reasons/excuses be damned, I am the one who needs to take the initiative to regain the proper perspective on my health and well being.

A confluence of events has lead to this moment, and I can see God’s hand at work. First, as mentioned, I lost 30 pounds in 2006. The odd thing is, I was literally laying in bed for those 6 months. Was the food at The Home atrocious?? Absolutely. I wouldn’t feed that crap to my worst enemy. But my Dad and my crazy perverted Cousin Robert both visited daily and brought me food, whether it was leftover homemade lasagna, 

Dad

Cousin Robert

fried chicken from the grocery store deli, or a cheeseburger from Wendy’s. So I didn’t starve, but still I lost the weight. And despite everything I’d been through emotionally and physically I felt about as healthy as I’d been in years…and I liked it. Secondly, in January of this year, within a couple weeks of each other, both of my best buddies…Greg & The Owl…both landed in the hospital with previously undiagnosed diabetes. They are both alive only by the unfathomable grace of God, and I am so very thankful. But for two people whom I consider like brothers to become that ill…with the same disease, both in the general age range as me, and with similar body types…well, it was eye opening. And if I am truly being honest with myself both of them are far more physically active than I, so that likely makes me even more susceptible to a corresponding fate. And finally, there has just been a general malaise that has befallen me in the past several months. I’ve always been lazy, but my energy level isn’t where it needs to be. I’m older, but I’m certainly not old. I find it more difficult to do things I once did with ease, like transferring in & out of my wheelchair or even getting dressed. More & more I look for easier, streamlined ways to do something…or even not do it at all if there is physical exertion required and it can somehow be avoided. I find myself needing not just a quick catnap but a deep snooze after eating pasta or other carbohydrate heavy foods. Never one for vanity I am increasingly uncomfortable with my heaviness. It’s time to make some changes, and Lent seems like the perfect opportunity.

What I have decided to do is give up both fast food and chocolate. That might seem superfluous to some, but I can assure you it is a large chunk of my diet. I frequent Wendy’s, Hardees, and Burger King so much I could drive to any of them in my sleep. I have Domino’s, Papa John’s, and a couple local places (Dagwood’s and Smitty’s) delivered so often their delivery guys might score spots as groomsmen in my future wedding. If I ever make it to Hershey, PA I think they may award me the key to the city. That all stops for the next 40 days beginning Ash Wednesday. Does that mean I will NEVER eat fast food or chocolate again?? Never say never. But I do plan on using the time to develop healthier eating habits and detox from all the bad stuff I know I have been putting in my body for years. I trust in God to show me the right path, and it will be up to me to follow it over the long haul. Rome was not built in a day, and I find it highly unlikely I will ever be considered buff & sexy, but I’ll settle for a little lighter, more energetic, and comfortable with my choices.

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My Super Sunday

9:15am

I wake up woefully late and am not going to make it to church. I was up way too late for reasons that I won’t go into but I trust God understands.

 

11am

It is unlikely I am going anywhere today but there is a chance, so I decide to bathe.

 

11:30am

Bathing was exhausting. Time for a nap.

 

1pm

I love Super Sunday counter programming. There is a lot of great stuff about food on The History Channel today.

 

3pm

The time has come to decide whether to watch the game at home or venture out to a local establishment for the festivities. My preference would be to attend a party at someone’s home with friends, but I really don’t have any friends, atleast not locally. I am the token cripple that folks generally believe to be a nice guy but don’t actually try to get to know, spend time with, or invite anywhere. I have decided to stop hating this and embrace becoming a recluse. People annoy me anyway.

 

3:30

Speaking of annoying, Facebook is really pissing me off today. Too many Steeler haters and Packer bandwagon jumpers. I have deleted the feed of atleast a half dozen people. Yes, I take my football very seriously.

 

4:30pm

I notice that Papa John’s has an ad on their website saying that they will be awarding a free pizza every 45 seconds. I haven’t ordered Papa John’s in a very long time (my deep affection for Domino’s chocolate lava cakes is hardcore), and it is unlikely that my 38 year streak of lousy luck will suddenly end, but I take a chance.

 

5pm

I finally decide to check out Fox’s pregame show and am greeted with the sight of Barack Hussein Obama. I’m already in a mood, so I change the channel to the golf tournament.

 

5:15pm

My not free Papa John’s arrives. Their wings are pretty tasty. Better than Domino’s anyway. If they had some sort of delicious chocolate dessert they could rule. I really need to stop eating any & all fast food, as I know I am overweight and unhealthy. But really, besides food and my dog what do I have to fill the meaningless empty void that is my life??

 

5:45pm

Terry Bradshaw picks the Steelers to win, while the rest of the talking heads pick Green Bay. One hopes Bradshaw’s pick was genuine and not an attempt to kiss the collective ass of Steeler Nation.

 

6pm

Reflecting back on my earlier decision to stay home instead of sit in some bar with a bunch of people I don’t know I realize I made the right call. I like hanging out with Rocco better anyway.

 

6:10pm

Sam Elliot?? Really Fox?? Way to appease that over 60 demographic lol.

 

6:19pm

I hate Glee, but the chick singing America the Beautiful is yummy and sings pretty good.

 

6:22pm

Christina Aguilera apparently needs remedial National Anthem 101. On the plus side she actually looks classy as opposed to a total whore.

 

6:27pm

Just deleted another feed on Facebook. How the hell did these people become “friends”?? I have nothing in common with them.

 

6:29pm

The coin toss with the newly elected members of the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Sadly neither Jerome Bettis or Dermontti Dawson were voted in this year. I can’t help but wonder…when Shannon Sharpe makes his induction speech will there be interpreters and subtitles?? The Packers win the toss but defer to the 2nd half. The Steelers get the ball first and I’d REALLY feel a lot better of they had an 8 minute drive that ended with a touchdown.

 

6:35pm

No such luck. 3 & out. Crap.

 

6:43pm

So far the commercials have been unsurprisingly mundane. There was a cute Doritos spot, but that’s just because Rocco is a pug so I am a sucker for anything pug related.

 

6:48pm

I am not a fan of throwing the ball on 3rd & 2. If you need two yards and you can’t ram it down their throats then you don’t deserve to be in the Super Bowl.

 

6:59pm

Green Bay scores the first TD. It occurs to me that Pittsburgh should spend atleast 3 draft picks in April on cornerbacks. This is by no means a new thought process…I’ve felt the same way for a few years.

 

7:06pm

Big Ben throws a Pick 6. I have a very bad feeling. I declare “game over” on Facebook.

 

7:07pm

Eminem is doing commercials now??

 

7:11pm

It has become obvious that Commandant Goodell let the stripes know there’d be a little extra something in their paychecks for making things more difficult for Pittsburgh.

 

7:16pm

Joan Rivers in a tank top. No one needs to see that.

 

7:23pm

Hold me closer Tony Danza.

 

7:30pm

WRs Emmanuel Sanders for Pittsburgh and Donald Driver for Green Bay are both injured. Advantage Steelers.

 

7:39pm

Roseanne Barr is no Betty White.

 

7:41pm

Roethlisberger is picked off again. Wow.

 

7:44pm

Green Bay scores another TD. 21-3 close to the half. I feel the strong urge to seek adult beverages.

 

7:49pm

Two things: A) Chevy Cruze allows one to stalk women on Facebook. Awesome, and B) Captain America looks like it might be a decent flick.

 

7:55pm

Roethlisberger throws to Hines Ward for a TD with less than a minute left in the half. Good things happen when half of Green Bay’s defensive backfield is in the locker room. 21-10 at halftime. I think I’ll change the channel since I’d rather hear Rocco snore than The Black-Eyed Peas sing.

 

8:02pm

Forrest Gump is on TNT. Yes!! My evening just got a little better. Now THIS is excellent competition for a crappy halftime show.

 

8:25pm

Lots of folks on Facebook are belittling the halftime show. Looks like I made a wise choice.

 

8:41pm

Rashard Mendenhall scores after the Steelers spend a drive proving that they can run against Green Bay. 21-17. Now, the question becomes, can the defense stop letting Aaron Rodgers look like Joe Montana?? The Terrible Towels are out. Game on.

 

8:58pm

Thanks for the jinx Joe Buck. Big Ben gets sacked, the Steelers miss a 52 yard field goal. Bad sequence.

 

9:23pm

After a some good defense & special teams Rashard Mendenhall fumbles. That’s three turnovers for the Steelers, which is very difficult to overcome.

 

9:29pm

Hey Steelers…the blitz ain’t working!! Cover the receivers!! Rodgers throws for another TD. Holy crap. Can Roethlisberger pull some magic out of the hat??

 

9:31pm

The storylines thus far: Steeler turnovers, Packer dropped balls, and not a single commercial anyone will remember three days from now. Also, where the heck is the real Troy Polamalu been??

 

9:41pm

Roethlisberger hits Mike Wallace for a touchdown and then gets a pitch to Antwaan Randle-El for the 2 point conversion. 28-25 with 7 and a half minutes left. The Steelers’ calling card…dating all the way back to The Steel Curtain 35 years ago…has always been d-e-f-e-n-s-e. Now would be the time to validate that.

 

9:54pm

After getting torched on a few pass plays the Steelers hold Green Bay to a field goal. 31-25 with just over 2 minutes left. Pittsburgh has one time out remaining. Big Ben can either end this thing with a bang or a wimper.

 

10:03pm Wimper…..

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The Manofesto 2011

A new year has dawned and I feel like it is once again time to take stock of where things stand here at The Manofesto and look at what may lie ahead. I like to do this periodically more for my own benefit than anything, as a way of staying focused on what I want to accomplish with this site.

Some may have already noticed the elimination of the Let’s Talk About God & The Right Side sections and the subsequent emergence of an area of the site I am calling Values, Principles, & Truth. What I have found over the course of time is that, despite our nation’s liberal obsession with separation of church & state, there is much crossover between politics and faith. I have found in particular that my political opinions are heavily influenced by my faith, and that my faith dictates how I view many sociopolitical issues. This blurring of the lines often comes into play when I am writing, so I just decided to go with it. At the end of the day everything boils down to what is true, what is right, and what is moral, regardless of the precise subject matter.

Awhile back I mentioned the possibility of The Manofesto evolving into a talk show on BlogTalkRadio. To be honest the fire within me hasn’t been lit in regard to this matter as of yet. It is something I will continue to ponder and may eventually do when the time is right. However, I don’t think that time will be all that soon.

I have some plans for The Sports Page in 2011 as well. First, because there is always always always something going on in the world of sports I think it is an area that lends itself nicely to a weekly column of some sort. We’ll see what happens, but look for a weekly sports wrap-up of some kind to begin soon. There might quick hits on several topics, or we may examine just one or two events more in depth. Also, even though college & pro football will be winding down all too soon I am already looking ahead to next season. My favorite TV show, ESPN’s Mike & Mike in the Morning, has a weekly feature during the NFL season called Stone Cold Lead Pipe Locks, where Greeny & Golic choose a handful of games and pick their poison. I plan on doing something similar, although I will almost certainly be picking more games than they do and I definitely will be picking college games as well. I probably won’t be getting into point spreads and all that jazz, not only because I don’t really want to promote gambling but also because I just want to have some good, clean, lighthearted fun and anything involving mathematics isn’t all that much fun.

2011 will see the end of the road for the 100 Favorite Movies series and the examinations of The Fruits of the Spirit and the Sermon on the Mount. Other Biblically based writings are in the pondering stage but nothing that will involve a long, drawn out series. That is always subject to change.

I am not even going to say that The Book Shelf is going to get more attention this year because I know I have made that promise a few times before. But I have gotten back into the habit of reading more lately, so atleast I am headed in the right direction. It is not beyond the realm of possibility that upwards of a dozen…give or take a couple…books will be given their proper due on this site in 2011.

I have finally found a look for the site that I find aesthetically pleasing, so I do not anticipate anything more than the occasional slight tweak here & there. I have found that it is much too cumbersome of an ordeal to go back and edit every single entry I’ve ever written, something that usually becomes necessary when cosmetic changes are made. WordPress, which hosts this blog, is far from perfect and there are improvements I’d love to see them make eventually, but overall it has been a good site to deal with so I have no major complaints.

So there you have it…some changes, but nothing too drastic. My desire is for The Manofesto to always be a place where one can spend some downtime reading a piece that may entertain, provoke some thought, or occasionally even stir one’s heart. Readability is key, and that entails subject matter and structure. As always, I want this to be an interactive experience, so never hesitate to leave comments and suggestions.

The Inaugural Sammy Awards – 2010 Edition

Traditionally I do a Year In Review, a rundown of all the significant events of the past 12 months infused with my sardonic wit. However, I have decided to change things up a little. Every time one turns around there is an awards show on television, with insiders from all manner of industry patting themselves on the back, usually for maintaining the status quo level of mediocrity. So I got to thinking…why not me?? Why can’t I have my own awards?? And since this is my site and I can do pretty much anything I darn well please within the confines of decency and good taste that is exactly what I am going to do. Therefore, it is with pleasure that I present to you what I hope will become a long lasting annual staple here at The Manofesto. I present to you the inaugural edition of The Sammys.



Best Movie (That I’ve Actually Seen)



Hot Tub Time Machine

The powers-that-be wanted it to be the second coming of The Hangover, but it falls short of the mark. Still, it’s an entertaining movie with time travel and a fun cameo or two. I don’t feel like I wasted my time or money.



Shrek 4Ever After

Supposedly this was the final Shrek film. It has an It’s A Wonderful Life zeitgeist and isn’t a bad film, but at this point there’s just no juice left in the tank for the franchise and this fourth entry is nothing more than superfluous.



Grown-Ups

I have always been an unabashed Adam Sandler fan, even if his comedies are completely pointless and stupid. Unfortunately he (and an all star cast) attempt to have a point in this movie and it just fell flat. Or maybe it just wasn’t what I was expecting.



Toy Story 3

Now this is an example…hopefully…of a franchise ending on a high note. Don’t let the PR for 3D fool you…this movie doesn’t need gimmicks. These Toy Story movies are well written and have great performances, making the entire trilogy a cut above most animated fare.



The Social Network

I spend way too much time on Facebook, so I was excited to see a movie based on its origins. Even better, the script was written by Aaron Sorkin, the scribe behind TV gems like The West Wing and Sports Night.



And The Sammy goes to…..



The Social Network. Honestly, it was a close race, with Toy Story 3 a very very close 2nd. But I really enjoy Sorkin’s writing, and Jesse Eisenberg starring as Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg was mesmerizing. I even liked the performance of Justin Timberlake, who may want to consider giving up singing in favor of acting.




Assclown of the Year



Jay Leno

Leno should have walked away…it’s that simple. In the fall of 2009 Jay had handed over the reigns of The Tonight Show to Conan O’Brien and settled into his own 10pm show. Unfortunately the ratings for both shows were less than stellar so by January 2010 the suits at NBC panicked, wanting Leno back at 11:30 (for a half hour) and The Tonight Show at midnight. Conan, understandably, did not like this plan. Instead of ditching NBC and getting a late night gig somewhere else Leno played the “I just do what I’m told” card, going back to Tonight while Conan was unceremoniously dumped, albeit with a nice buyout. As of this moment Leno’s Tonight Show is going strong, while Conan’s new show…Monday-Thursday at 11pm on TBS…started out on fire but seems to be headed toward a downward spiral. Jay Leno, in my humble opinion, has shown his true colors, and he isn’t as nice of a guy as most thought a year ago.



Barack Hussein Obama, Nancy Pelosi, & Harry Reid

The three headed ultra liberal monster that has lead the Democrat Party the past couple of years cannot be separated. They work as one, in concert with one another, forcing upon an unsuspecting, easily distracted, sadly uninformed American public a quasi-Communist agenda that will have negative ramifications for decades. And besides all that they are just buffoons. Voters took a step in the right direction (pun unavoidable) last month by significantly altering the makeup of Congress, ensuring that Pelosi would not continue as Speaker of the House. But that is next year. In 2010 this unholy triple threat got a lot done, and most of it won’t be good for America in the long run. Your mileage may vary, and that’s okay.



Jim Joyce

On June 2, 2010 MLB umpire Joyce was working first base for a Detroit Tigers/Cleveland Indians game. Tigers’ pitcher Armando Galarraga was one out away from a perfect game. A close play at first was ruled an infield hit by Joyce, costing Galarraga a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity at perfection. Replays showed the runner should have been called out, and to his credit the umpire was deeply apologetic while the pitcher showed an unparalleled level of grace and class. Jim Joyce’s heartfelt remorse and frank honesty earned him a measure of redemption, but making such a critical mistake and screwing another individual out of a monumentally singular accomplishment, an opportunity Armando Galarraga will almost certainly never have again, dictates a nomination for this “honor”.



Ben Roethlisberger

Big Ben may be one of the top 5 quarterbacks in the NFL, but his off-the-field reputation took quite a hit in 2010. In March Ben was partying with college students at some dive bar in Georgia, which right off the bat seems below a 28 year old professional athlete. Even worse, he was accused of sexually assaulting a 20 year old co-ed in a bathroom. No charges were filed, but the district attorney, by the words he used in addressing the situation, seemed to strongly infer that it is likely something improper occurred but that it would be too difficult to secure a slam dunk conviction. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, who doesn’t have to answer to anyone and has no problem doing whatever he wants, suspended Roethlisberger for the first 5 weeks of the season. Roethlisberger rebounded nicely and has the Steelers on a roll, but the public perception of him is undeniably altered forever. Only two people know what really happened in that bathroom, but I believe that where there is smoke there is almost always fire. My prayers are with that young girl, that she can move forward as easily as the man who may or may not have raped her.



Tiger Woods

The self destruction of Tiger Woods actually began right around Thanksgiving of 2009, but by January 2010 the situation had spiraled completely out of control. For awhile it seemed like every day a different woman came out of the woodwork admitting to an affair with the very married golfer. To Tiger’s credit he didn’t try to deny the allegations, although how could he?? If one woman says she has slept with a married guy he can deny it, but when more than a dozen tell similar stories there is just no way out of the mess. Tiger’s indiscretions cost him his wife and tore apart his family. The situation also effectively destroyed his career, atleast in the short term. For over a decade Tiger Woods was unquestionably the world’s #1 golfer, mowing down the competition like no one since the classic Jack Nicklaus-Arnold Palmer rivalry years. That all changed in 2010, as for the first time in his professional life he did not win a single tournament, let alone one of the coveted “majors”. Before this scandal it seemed inevitable that Tiger would breaks Nicklaus’ record of 18 major championships, but now the possibility of that record being broken is much more in doubt. Woods lost a ton of money off the course too, as sponsors scurried away from him like roaches from sunlight. Some folks may never look at Tiger Woods the same, some have already moved on and anxiously await the day he re-ascends the throne as the much feared king of the links. We shall see what 2011 brings, but nothing can erase the horror that was the past 12 months.



Lebron James

Speaking of kings, we must nominate basketball’s King James, the modern NBA’s biggest star. Up until 2010 Lebron seemed like an excellent role model for the league. He comes across as intelligent, thoughtful, well spoken, and likeable. I always thought he was reminiscent of Magic Johnson, with the amiable smile dialed down and replaced with Michael Jordan’s competitive intensity. The exclamation point was that, after deciding to come straight out of high school in 2003 the Akron born & bred Lebron was drafted by his hometown Cleveland Cavaliers. All that was lacking was a storybook ending, i.e. the kid leading the team of his childhood from the cellar to an NBA Championship. Unfortunately that was not how the story ended. Instead Lebron decided to go into full diva mode, stringing the Cavaliers and several other teams along during a long, self aggrandizing process at the end of which King James ditched the small market Cavaliers and “took his talents to South Beach”, aka the glitz & glamor of Miami. I have no issue with a free agent deciding to go to another team where he thinks the chances of long term success are more solid. This is America, and Lebron James simply took advantage of the opportunities afforded to him within the system by which the NBA runs. That is fine. What I and many others took exception to was the arrogant way the situation was handled, culminating in a TV special on ESPN called The Decision, during which James took a full hour to tell us what he could have said via Twitter or a normal news conference in about 30 seconds. There is a way to conduct business and a way not to conduct business, and it’s a lesson Lebron James has yet to learn. When I look at him now I don’t see intelligence, thoughtfulness, or likeability…I see a spoiled child whose amazing, God given athletic talent has provided for him a lifetime of being coddled to and put up on a pedestal. Funny thing about pedestals though…they are really fragile and easily come crashing down.



And The Sammy goes to…..



Tiger Woods. A huge part of me would love to give the award to James, but at the end of the day what he did was within the rules and probably a smart business decision, even if the process was gone about awkwardly. Tiger, on the other hand, committed adultery…over & over & over again. I am not trying to be judgmental, just honest. What Tiger Woods did destroyed his personal life AND his professional life, and completely changed the public perception of him as a human being. I am quite sure he will get his game back and win more tournaments, but I doubt if he ever completely recovers from a series of monumentally stupid decisions that were obviously made with the wrong head.



Best TV Show



The Big Bang Theory

The adventures of two super intelligent but socially awkward nerds and their gorgeous, blonde, airheaded next door neighbor. It’s an old fashioned sitcom with rapier sharp wit, excellent writing, and a talented cast.



Mike & Mike in the Morning

If shows like this would have been around 30 years ago the course of my life would have been so much different. I mean really…two guys getting paid to sit around talking about sports for four hours every day??What a great gig!! It’s a radio show that is simulcast on television’s ESPN2 each morning from 6-10am, starring an Odd Couple-esque pairing of ubernerd sportscaster Greeny and former journeyman NFL lineman Golic. I am not generally a morning person, but this is appointment TV for me.



Entourage

Male bonding at its best. HBO’s series have been hit & miss in my opinion. I never watched The Sopranos or Oz and unlike the werewolf/vampire enamored masses I have no interest in True Blood, though I did enjoy Sex & the City and Six Feet Under, and have occasionally watched Hung, Curb Your Enthusiasm, & Big Love. But from the moment it hit the air in 2004 I have been enamored with Entourage. It is the ongoing adventures of popular young actor Vincent Chase and his posse of friends, including an older brother who is also an actor but not a very good or sought after one, his manager who also happens to be his best childhood friend, and another buddy from the old neighborhood in Queens named Turtle who doesn’t seem to serve any useful purpose. Then there is Ari, an agent…a manic, foul mouthed, hyper, over-the-top, ultra Type A personality whose antics are mesmerizingly hilarious. HBO doesn’t really adhere to what we tend to think of as a normal television season (usually a couple dozen episodes beginning in the fall and ending in the spring, with summertime being a bunch of reruns). Entourage runs in the summer and has somewhere around a dozen episodes per season, and it is literally almost an entire year between seasons. I think this has the effect of “absence makes the heart grow fonder”, because I get excited when I know a new season is on the horizon. Sadly 2011 will mark the 8th and final go round for a great show, but there is talk of a potential film franchise. When that happens I am SO there.



How I Met Your Mother

Anyone who still thinks of Neil Patrick Harris as early 90’s wunderkind doctor Doogie Howser hasn’t watched this show. Is it kind of a Friends ripoff?? Maybe kinda sorta. But it has a vibe all its own and is a completely fresh take on the NY City apartment dweller posse genre. There is even an element of The Wonder Years, as the entire show is framed as a flashback wherein a narrator (Bob Saget) is showing his children thru supposed flashbacks how…well…how he met their mother. It doesn’t seem like a show that’s been on the air five years, which is a testament to the writers and actors who keep things crisp and funny. Harris is a revelation as a vain womanizer that doesn’t resemble Doogie one bit. It’s a show that doesn’t necessarily cover new territory, but does a type of familiar, comfortable comedy in ways that keep the viewer interested.



Pawn Stars

I must give a shout out to my friend The Owl for introducing me to The History Channel’s documentary show about a family owned Vegas pawn shop. On the surface it would seem like a limited concept, but I find it fascinating. The family dynamic between the three generations of men who own & operate the shop is real and amusing, and each episode is like a mini history lesson since the stuff folks bring in to pawn/sell isn’t your usual junk, or at least the producers are intelligent enough not to show the mundane, pedestrian items on TV. Instead we see things like Civil War memorabilia, early 19th Century firearms, and rare coins. I don’t feel like I’ve completely wasted my time after spending 60 minutes with this program, and with all the crap on our televisions these days that’s saying something.



Hawaii-Five-0

Remakes are generally cause for a healthy dose of skepticism and railing against lack of creativity or imagination. I have to admit I was a little hesitant to check out this “reimagining” of the legendary 1970’s show, of which I have a vague childhood recollection. This apprehension was not only because it is a remake but also because cop shows are a dime a dozen and I’ve never really been a big fan of any of them. However, I was wrong and this is a good show on all fronts. Once again no new ground is broken, but I think what I have realized is that is a good thing. I like my comedies formulaic and my dramas to fit a certain mold. Hollywood seems to royally screw things up when they take a proven formula and try to make it unique and modern. This applies to both movies and television. I guess I am just an old fashioned kind of guy. I can usually guess who the real villain is about 10 minutes into the show, but that’s okay. The acting is solid and the writing is above average even if the plots are a bit predictable.



And The Sammy goes to…..


Mike & Mike. I love this show. It has no offseason and no reruns. Both Greeny & Golic seem to take copious amounts of time off, but even when one or both are gone the regular lineup of guest hosts adequately fills the chairs. Sports lends itself to this format because there is always always always something going on and more than enough topics to discuss. The guests and experts that call into the show add depth, and various subject matter is examined from all angles. The show can be irreverent and fun, but also serious and thoughtful when necessary. Mike & Mike may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but for the serious, hardcore, die hard sports fan there is nothing better.





Best Water Cooler Topic



Twilight

I’ve never read the books or seen the movies. I most likely never will. However, I do realize I am in the minority.



The Late Night Wars

During the first few months of 2010 a dominant subject of conversation was the controversy surrounding NBC’s bungling of its late night lineup, Leno’s return to The Tonight Show, and the unfair ouster of Conan O’Brien. Things were made all the more hilarious by late night hosts David Letterman and Jimmy Kimmel, who didn’t hesitate to use their shows as a forum to jump into the fray and show support for Conan. It was definitely a fun ride while it lasted.



The End of Lost

Yet another subject on which I am not really qualified to comment. I never watched the show even though I had numerous friends tell me they thought I’d love it. I suppose by the time I considered giving it a whirl I just knew it was too late. This was a show one had to have been in on since the beginning, and for those that were the end came too soon.



World Cup Soccer

Well…it is the world’s most popular sport, so I am sure people were buzzing about it somewhere…probably outside of The United States. All I know is…speaking of buzzing…I learned what a vuvuzela is and think it may be something a lot of folks will encounter again in the fiery pits of Hell.



Sandra Bullock/Jesse James Split

America’s Sweetheart (now that Meg Ryan is all Botoxed up) found out her tattooed biker husband was cheating on her with an even more tattooed biker chic. Shocker. But hey, atleast Bullock won an Oscar.


Apple’s iPhone 4 & iPad

I’d love to have an iPad, but I’m not paying $800 for one. I do have an iPhone, but have not upgraded to the 4 because it seemed superfluous and unnecessary. Still, I have to give Apple credit for getting folks excited about these items, even if it is just tricky marketing of products that don’t really do anything new or special.



True Blood

Yet another show I have never watched and never will. I really don’t get America’s fascination with werewolves and vampires.



Oprah’s Final Season

Faithful citizens of The Manoverse will recall my deeply held belief that Oprah Winfrey is a minion in Satan’s Army. It does my heart good to know that we are now in the midst of her final season. Yes, I am aware that she is going on to helm her own network, but hopefully she will remain behind the scenes and it will be a channel I can completely ignore, like Lifetime, QVC, or MSNBC. Farewell Oprah, and good riddance you obnoxious shrew.



Bristol Palin on DWTS

Surprisingly enough Dancing with the Stars is a show I do watch. I find it fascinating, and appreciate the talents of the professional dancers. Scantily clad hot women may have something to do with it too I suppose. Anyway, when it was announced that former Alaska Governor, former VP candidate, future Presidential candidate Sarah Palin’s eldest was to be a contestant on the latest season of the show it got some attention. Sarah Palin is a lightning rod that people either adore or despise, so the hype was predictable. It turns out that poor Bristol dances about as well as Jar Jar Binks on acid and has the personality of stale rice cakes, but somehow she still made it to the finals of the competition. This brought about a myriad of conspiracy theories, but in essence it just exposed DWTS for the popularity contest it really is and validated Sarah Palin’s level of popularity, despite her shortcomings.



And The Sammy goes to…..


The Late Night Wars. Admittedly this is a very personal, biased choice, because as noted some of 2010’s hottest topics were things in which I just had no interest whatsoever. But late night television has long been a favorite of mine, so the real life soap opera that viewers saw play out each night on TV for several weeks was extremely entertaining in my world.




Biggest News Story



The Haiti Earthquake

2010 got off to a rough start in Haiti, the poorest nation in the western hemisphere, when a 7.0 magnitude earthquake hit on January 12, killing nearly a quarter million people (roughly the population of Birmingham, AL) and affecting atleast a million. American citizens of all ilks offered humanitarian aid, spearheaded by former Presidents George W. Bush & Bill Clinton, and singer Wyclef Jean.



Unemployment

Despite President Obama’s plucky enthusiasm about the economy finally being in recovery mode, unemployment has still lagged around the 10% mark all year. I’m no economics guru, but I don’t think it is accurate to say the economy has recovered if nearly 10% of the population can’t find a job.



The Gulf Oil Spill

On April 20, 2010 an explosion on an offshore oil rig 40 miles off the coast of Louisiana set off what would become the biggest disaster in the history of the petroleum industry. It took three months for the well to be capped and the oil to stop flowing. In those three months over 200 million gallons of oil spilled into The Gulf of Mexico, causing extensive damage to wildlife and marine life, the delicate ecosystem, the fishing and tourism industries, and the general economy of an area covering 68,000 square miles. The U.S. Government and British Petroleum engaged in a battle of wills over responsibility and cleanup efforts, with neither party coming out looking all that impressive. The effects of this spill continue to this day.



Obamacare/National Health Care Reform

In March of 2010 President Obama and a Congress controlled by liberals passed a nationalized health care bill. This was a topic that had been hotly debated for years and successfully defeated at first, but eventually resistance was futile. I like to refer to an old Ronald Reagan quote that says “the nine most terrifying words in the English language are: ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.’” Conversely, a growing majority of Americans seem to be perfectly comfortable with The Nanny State, wanting Big Brother to take care of their every need from birth thru death. Any law that takes free choice away and fines a person who chooses not to be insured scares the hell out of me. Any law that enacts anything resembling end of life counseling, making whether an ill person will or will not be treated an economic decision makes my skin crawl. Any law that rations how much health care folks may receive is troublesome. I fear that this massive expansion of governmental power will lead down a lot of other even more frightening roads, and that the masses will not truly understand what havoc they have opened the door to until it is much too late.



The Death of Senator Robert C. Byrd

West Virginia’s senior Senator was 92 and had been a fixture in Washington DC for well over 50 years when he died back in June. Byrd served three terms in the House of Representatives and nine terms in the Senate, impressive considering the fact that his role as a public servant was preceded by serving as a leader in a local Ku Klux Klan unit, once writing The Grand Wizard and saying “The Klan is needed today as never before, and I am anxious to see its rebirth here in West Virginia and in every state in the nation.” Boy we sure can pick ’em here in The Mountain State, huh?? Byrd later renounced his membership and appeared to have a change of heart, but one can easily assume that was just the politically expedient thing to do. During his decades in Washington Senator Byrd became an extremely powerful figure and was able to funnel a lot of much appreciated pork back home to WV, which is obviously why he kept getting re-elected. Anyway, it is not my intention to kick a person when they’re down…or dead. So let me just say that Byrd’s death may not have been that big of a deal elsewhere, but here in West Virginia it was huge news.



The Tea Party

A year ago no one would have believed that the late Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat would be filled by a Republican, but in January 2010 that is exactly what happened when Tea Party backed Scott Brown won an election in Massachusetts. The Tea Party is not an officially recognized political party, but more of an energetic movement based on conservative core principles of reduced government spending, lower taxes, strict interpretation of The Constitution, and debt/deficit reduction. It sprang up in 2007, really hit its stride in 2009, and in 2010 had an impact of everything from the midterm elections to Dancing with the Stars. The de facto leaders seem to be former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin and former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, among others. The Tea Party was instrumental in costing several RHINOs (Republicans in Name Only) victories in primary elections in atleast a dozen states, and helped Republicans take back control of The House of Representatives. Liberals and their fluffers in the drive-by media have been predictably derisive of the movement, calling followers Tea Baggers. However, sticks & stones may break bones but name calling has thus far done no good in slowing down the momentum of this unofficial yet powerful organization.



2010 Midterm Election

Tuesday 11/2/10 was a day when, if I may borrow a phrase, chickens came home to roost for liberals in our nation’s capitol and elsewhere. Republicans gained 6 seats in the Senate, took control of the House with a swing of 63 seats, won an additional 6 Governorships, and gained 680 seats in statehouses nationwide. No matter how the media tries to spin it the election was a total rejection of liberal policies championed by President Obama, outgoing Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (who inexplicably won re-election). However, the work for conservatives has only just begun, with the next vital step being to find a viable Presidential candidate for 2012 (i.e. NOT Sarah Palin).



The Ground Zero Mosque

Back in the spring of 2010 plans were made public for what became known as The Ground Zero Mosque. The building is actually going to be a community center two blocks from Ground Zero, but it will have a Muslim “prayer center”, so the controversy aroused by having such a facility that close to where thousands of Americans were massacred by Muslim extremists/terrorists is understandable. I can see both sides. On one hand it is a free country and folks can build what they want where they want within the boundaries of the law. On the flip side I get how the idea can be perceived as offensive and distasteful. It just amazes me how the masses seem to bend over backward to make provision for Islam while even hinting at anything related to Jesus brings forth scorn and mockery.



End of Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell

In 1993 The Clinton Administration signed into law a policy prohibiting the military from inquiring about a person’s sexual orientation since being openly gay was considered just cause for discharge. At the end of the 2010 Congressional session this law was repealed and the military ban on being openly gay lifted completely. I have made my faith based beliefs about homosexuality and issues like same sex marriage quite clear over the years, but if someone is willing to serve their country and put their life at risk in the defense of freedom then that’s fine with me.



The Arizona Immigration Law

I am still blown away by the fact that anyone would have an issue with laws being enforced, which is all this law does – make sure existing laws are followed. Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to be free?? Okay…fine. But if you are going to come into is country and take advantage of all the freedom, liberty, and other benefits then I don’t think being required to jump through a few hoops and following a legal process is too much to ask. Predictably it’s been the whiny, bleeding heart ultra libs who’ve cried about this bill the most. These are the same people who are ready to fine me if I choose not to buy health insurance, yet they have no problem with undocumented illegal aliens running rampant, eating our food, enjoying our public services, and utilizing our resources all while thumbing their noses at our laws and receiving a free ride because if they aren’t legal then they darn sure aren’t paying taxes. Yeah, that makes perfect sense. To my knowledge this law is still languishing under red tape, with various legal protests preventing it from being put into effect. I hope 2011 brings about an end to these silly court proceedings and sees laws like this spread nationwide.



TSA Groping Controversy

The Transportation Safety Administration, specializing specifically in airport security, is part of the Department of Homeland Security, created after the events of 9/11. Not a bad idea. However, in November of 2010, new screening procedures went into effect, including x-ray scans that display images of passengers’ bodies to TSA officers and pat-downs in which TSA officers fondle passengers’ breasts, buttocks, and genitals. Sounds like every pervert’s dream job. Predictably travelers haven’t been too keen on these procedures, as many feel like it’s just a bit too invasive. A lot of crazy incidents have been reported, including folks being forced to remove prostheses, small children being patted down, and hot babes claiming they’ve receive some…extra attention (if you know what I’m sayin’). TSA agents fired back whining about how awful their jobs are because they have to touch fat people. The ACLU has gotten involved. Lawsuits have been filed. It’s a big mess. Shocking, considering it’s a government run program. “Don’t touch my junk” indeed.



And The Sammy goes to…..



The Oil Spill. Not that the other nominees weren’t worthy, but let’s face it…when we look back in hindsight at 2010 two words will automatically pop into our brains: oil spill. It was almost as big of a story as 2005’s Hurricane Katrina, with many similarities including slow response from the federal government, who’d rather take over our health care, hate rich people, and try to eliminate Jesus from the world altogether rather than doing things they actually should be doing. As for BP, I understand that it was an accident and accidents happen, but their response…or lack thereof…was even more painfully slow than the government’s, and when (now former) CEO Tony Hayward called the spill “relatively tiny”, stated that he wanted “his life back”, and was then spotted at a yacht race while oil was still spilling into the Gulf the American public had its whipping boy. My prayers are with the people of the Gulf Coast, many of whom hadn’t even recovered from Katrina yet and now they’ve had to endure the ramifications of this situation.




The Rosie O’Donnell Memorial Just Go Away Award



Justin Bieber

I’ve honestly never listened to one of his songs, but the tastes of 12 year old girls are notoriously bad and the kid needs a haircut. If rumors about Bieber starring in a remakes of Grease and Back to the Future come true I may finally decide humanity is beyond redemption.



Glee

I watched this idiotic show once. It might be the gayest thing I’ve ever seen on television, no disrespect to alternate lifestyles intended. The acting was bad, the singing was not much better, and the overt sexuality was troubling. Honest to God Glee makes Dawson’s Creek look like freakin’ Shakespeare.



Kim Kardashian

Is she hot?? Yes. But what other redeeming qualities does this bimbo have?? Atleast Britney Spears can kind of sing and Lindsay Lohan can act when she stays sober. Kardashian and her entire clan add nothing of substance to the human race.



Jersey Shore

Reality shows, as a general rule, are awful. So a reality show about a bunch of clichéd Guidos just can’t be good. I have watched a few times and was completely unimpressed and not entertained in the least. People that are entertained by such garbage make me sad.



Lady Gaga

I saw Gaga on an episode of Saturday Night Live several months ago, and you want to know something interesting?? She can sing. The gal has some pipes. So why does she have to hide behind the stupid name & outrageous outfits and sing crappy songs about sex with lyrics like “bluffin’ with my muffin’”?? Take off the stupid clothes, use that great voice to sing quality songs, and use your real name (Stephanie something-or-other) and maybe I’ll be interested.



Stephen Colbert

I just don’t find him funny. It has nothing to do with politics, as Bill Maher is also a raging lib yet I find him rather amusing.



Brett Favre

If there has been a sadder public figure in 2010 I’m not sure who it would be. Favre has annoyed football fans for the past few years with his on again/off again retirement/comeback act. Last year he had what was arguably the best year of his career yet fell short of leading the Minnesota Vikings to the Super Bowl. Favre is to football what Mario Andretti was to the Indy 500…so close so many times but always felled by bad luck, karma, timing, or whatever other negative forces in which one may believe. After playing his annual “Will he or won’t he??” game again last summer he was predictably cajoled into “one last season”, only this time I think Bret Favre really is finished. The Vikings, beset by injuries, poor leadership, a midseason coaching change, and other calamities, have been horrible. Favre’s 41 year old body has finally let him down, and his consecutive games streak was broken at 297. On top of that the aging quarterback has been mired in an embarrassing scandal in which he is accused of sending naughty text messages…complete with pics of himself au naturel…to a female reporter a couple years back when he was playing for the NY Jets. You’ve heard of sports stars who “went out on top”?? This is the direct opposite.



Katy Perry

Is she hot?? Yes. But come on…put on some clothes for pete’s sake. No one gives a damn about Katy Perry, it’s Katy Perry’s breasts that have had the successful career.



Twilight

As noted previously I have never read the books or seen the movies. And I find people who are just a bit too obsessed by the whole thing really annoying.



Heidi & Spencer

He’s a tool, her body has more plastic than a Tupperware factory.


Hey Soul Sista/Train & I’m Yours/Jason Mraz

Every freakin’ time I’ve gotten in my truck the past several months and turned on the radio I have heard one or both of these songs. I sort of liked them at first, but that mild affection ended after about the 400th listening. Let’s move forward. Or maybe I will just listen to more talk radio.



Miley Cyrus

A role model she is not. I am not sure when it became mandated that all female singers & actresses had to be airheaded sluts to succeed, but if that’s the rule Miley is following it to the tee. And let’s be honest…she’s not a very talented actress or singer.


Lindsay Lohan

Is Lindsay still in rehab?? I don’t know and I don’t care. Lohan is the poster child for wasted potential. Unlike the average Hollywood tart this gal has skills. It was apparent from childhood that she had all the makings of a fantastic actress, one that might someday be thought of in the same vein as well respected performers like Meryl Streep, Jodie Foster, Holly Hunter, or Sally Field. Instead Lindsay has pissed away nearly all that potential.



And The Sammy goes to…..



Ladies and gentlemen, you are a witness to history. For the first time in the storied annals of awards shows we have a 13 way tie – they all win…or lose (depending on one’s perspective).



Moment of the Year



The Rescue of 33 Chilean Miners

I am born & bred in the great state of West Virginia and my grandfather lost a leg in the coal mines, so I am familiar with mining disasters. In August of 2010 a different sort of mine accident occurred in Chile. A cave in at a copper mine left 33 miners trapped underground but, thankfully, still alive and mostly unhurt. Rescuers quickly figured out that the men could be retrieved from their prison 2300 feet underground…but it would take months. Not hours, not days, not weeks…months. Suddenly hope turned to fear. However…miraculously…all 33 men were able to survive 69 days in a spot built for such situations. Rescuing the men took a lot of effort on the part of many many individuals from all walks of life, but on 10/13/10 all 33 men were safely retrieved from what could have been their graves. The story was an inspiring one of hope, faith, effort, and teamwork.



WV’s DaSean Butler & Coach Bob Huggins At The Final Four

It is likely that no one outside the state of West Virginia considered this much of a story. The West Virginia Mountaineer men’s basketball team won the Big East tournament and entered the NCAA Championship as a #2 seed, making it all the way to The Final Four. In the second half of the semifinal contest against Duke, Butler, the Mountaineers key player and leader in every way, went down with what looked like a very painful knee injury. As he lay on the court crying in agony Coach Bob Huggins, a man who has been much maligned for most of his career, went to his senior captain and cradled him in his arms, reassuring and comforting the fallen young man. It was a rare glimpse inside the heart of an otherwise tough as nails coach, and it was a moment that reinforced the reason many of us are sports fans.



Betty White’s Career Renaissance

Hollywood always has and always will cater to The Pretty People. Stars put their bodies through hell and have more elective surgery than anyone in their right minds should just to please a shallow industry and remain relevant and employed. Usually by the time a performer, especially a female, turns the corner past 50 she’s done. In 2010 Betty White went against the grain and was the exception to the rule, at the age of 88 having as big a year as anyone. It all started with a hilarious Snickers commercial during the Super Bowl, which for some reason spawned a viral campaign on Facebook to have the octogenarian host Saturday Night Live, which she finally did on May 8. That guest host spot even got her an Emmy nomination. White went on to do guest spots on sitcoms Community, The Middle, Hot in Cleveland, and 30 Rock. Betty White is proof that true talent overrides superficial indicators like age and breast size.



Phil Mickelson Wins The Masters

While the golf world was busy kvetching over Tiger Woods’ sex life Phil Mickelson offered a touching counterpoint. Both Phil’s wife Amy and his Mom had been battling cancer, and Phil had steadfastly stood by them. When Mickelson won his third Green Jacket in April and embraced his recovering wife on the 18th green one couldn’t help but think “Now THERE’S a role model”.



The 2010 Winter Olympics

Honestly I am giving a nod to the 21st Winter Olympiad more out of politeness than anything. Did it have some fun stuff going on?? Sure. The U.S./Canada battle for hockey gold was compelling, some of the ice skating was entertaining, and curling is always awesome. But really, if a Russian luger hadn’t been tragically killed then there would be virtually nothing memorable about these Olympics.



The Conservative Uprising

We’ve already covered the Tea Party movement and the results of November’s mid-term elections. Those two things combined with President Obama’s low approval numbers are all the proof anyone should need that this country leans right and that conservative values and principles are alive & well.



Zuckerberg Donates $100 Million To NJ Schools

Most wealthy people get a bad rap. They are perceived as selfish, haughty, and only concerned with money. However, back in September Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, who is portrayed in a rather negative light in the movie The Social Network, donated a huge amount of money to the Newark, NJ school system for education reform. I am not privy to the details of what they are attempting to accomplish in Newark or how they are utilizing the funds, but that big of a chunk of change should have a significant impact. Zuckerberg wanted to make the donation anonymously but was coaxed into making it public by both the mayor of Newark and the Governor of New Jersey. And while it may be true that $100 million dollars is pocket change to a man reportedly worth over $7 billion it is equally as true that such a donation cannot be overlooked and must be respected and appreciated.



The Theatrical Release of Part 1 of the Final Harry Potter Film

In November the 7th installment of the highest grossing film series of all time, one that has made over $6 billion, was released. It is the first of two films that cover the last Harry Potter novel, The Deathly Hallows. Personally I have enjoyed the books far more than the movies, but the release of these final two films marks the conclusion of a 14 year love affair between an adoring public and its boy wizard. Both the books and the movies become darker and more sinister as they progress, and at some point the story really evolved from a childrens’ tale to something much more mature and literary.



3 Day, 11 Hour Wimbledon Match

I’m not a huge tennis fan, not at all. I will watch a match occasionally if I am really bored and if the circumstances are compelling for some reason. In the first round of tennis; crown jewel, Wimbledon, in June, such circumstances arose. American John Isner was pitted against Frenchman Nicolas Mahut, with Isner the favorite. The two men proceeded to engage in the longest match in the history of tennis. It was suspended twice due to darkness and played out over 3 days, equally over 11 hours of playing time. The two men broke all kinds of records, with Isner eventually coming out as the victor. By the time the third day rolled around the attention of the masses had been captured and even lukewarm fans like myself were mesmerized.



The New Orleans Saints Win The Super Bowl

Most people are familiar with what the city of New Orleans has had to endure since being hit with Hurricane Katrina in 2005. And while sports is a relatively unimportant cog in the societal machine it can provide a unique sense of inspiration, motivation, and validation. When the Saints defeated the Indianapolis Colts 31-17 on February 7, 2010 to hoist their first ever Lombardi Trophy, it was a triumph not just for the team, but for an entire city. It seemed to signify that New Orleans was indeed back. Super Bowl XLIV was watched by over 106 million people, making it not only the highest rated Super Bowl in its 44 year history but also the highest rated television program of any sort ever, besting the legendary 1983 farewell episode of MASH. Just a few months later New Orleans would be hit with disaster once again due to the aforementioned Gulf Oil Spill, but for one night its citizens were able to put all their troubles on the backburner and celebrate like only they can, and it was a pretty darn nice story for the rest of us too.



Glen Beck’s “Rally To Restore Honor”

Glen Beck seems to have surpassed Sean Hannity and even The Godfather of Talk Radio himself Rush Limbaugh as the conservative raging libs seem to despise the most. Admittedly Beck is a bit too histrionic for my tastes, but if one is able to put aside the theatrics and listen to what he says Glen Beck makes a lot of sense most of the time. On 8/28/10 ol’ Glen really peed in the Cheerios of a lot of his critics by holding a rally where he and guest speakers weren’t shy about emphasizing faith, character, values, and conservative principles as much needed things our nation needs to fall back on. Not coincidentally (no matter what Mr. Beck says) this shindig was held at The Lincoln Memorial on the 47th anniversary of Martin Luther King, Jr’s memorable “I Have A Dream” speech. It was bad enough Glen Beck was openly talking about God, but the fact that he was co-opting liberals’ self-righteous “we’re the only ones who give a damn about black people” vibe really had a lot of folks on the left foaming at the mouth. The event was attended by anywhere from 80k to over 1 million people, depending on what source one believes. I watched it on television and saw absolutely nothing that anyone of any political persuasion should have been offended by. The speeches were uplifting and invigorating, tribute was repeatedly paid to our military, and there was really not a lot of political rhetoric. It is sad that we have come to a point in history when openly talking about God raises the ire of a not insignificant portion of the populace. A few months later TV personalities Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert held their own event that basically mocked Beck and all things conservative, and it was predictably obnoxious, offensive, and sophomoric.



And The Sammy goes to…..



The Rescue of the Chilean Miners. The fact that all 33 survived the initial cave in was a miracle. Then to have them endure that long underground was a testament to the efforts of countless people and the spirit & fortitude of the men themselves. And on top of that what was an extremely delicate rescue went off without a hitch and no one sustained any injuries. I don’t know what is in store for the lives of these 33 individuals, but God was certainly in the midst of this situation and I pray that all involved appreciate the blessings bestowed upon them and do extraordinary things with the second chance they were given.





NFL lineman Gaines Adams…wrestling legends General Skandor Akbar, Angelo Poffo (father of Randy “Macho Man” Savage & Leapin’ Lanny Poffo), & Jack Brisco…Hall of Fame baseball manager Sparky Anderson…former Pirates pitcher Jimmy Bibby…NFL Hall of Famers George Blanda, Jack Tatum, and Don Meredith…former NBA standouts Manute Bol, Lorenzen Wright, and Melvin Turpin…pro wrestlers Trent Acid, Bastion Booger, Chris Kanyon, & Lance Cade…legendary Pittsburgh Pirates executive Joe L. Brown…Senator Robert C. Byrd…uber-producers David L. Wolper (Roots, The Thorn Birds, North & South, L.A. Confidential, Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory, 1984 Summer Olympics in Los Angeles) and Stephen J. Cannell (The A-Team, Riptide, The Rockford Files)…actresses Barbara Billingsley (Leave It to Beaver), Lynn Redgrave, Frances Reid (Days of Our Lives), Dixie Carter (Designing Women), Rue McClanahan (Golden Girls), Helen Wagner (As the World Turns), and Jill Clayburgh…actors Tom Bosley (Happy Days), Pernell Roberts (Trapper John, M.D.), Gary Coleman (Different Strokes), Tony Curtis, Kevin McCarthy, Steve Landesberg (Barney Miller), Andrew Koenig (Growing Pains), Robert Culp, Dennis Hopper, Leslie Nielsen, Corey Haim, Peter Graves, & John Forsythe (Charlie’s Angels, Dynasty)…musician and sausage king Jimmy Dean…musician Ronnie James Dio…directors Blake Edwards (The Pink Panther) and Irvin Kershner (The Empire Strikes Back)…Elizabeth Edwards…Penthouse founder Bob Guccione…former Secretary of State General Alexander Haig…voice of the Detroit Tigers Ernie Harwell…singers Teena Marie, Teddy Pendergrass, and Lena Horne…former Major Leaguers Jose Lima and Bobby Thompson (The Shot Heard ‘Round the World)…Art Linkletter…NBA legend Maurice Lucas…actor, NFL lineman, and commentator Merlin Olsen…authors Robert B. Parker Erich Segal, and JD Salinger…former Congressman Dan Rostenkowski…Olympic organizer Juan Antonio Samaranch…former NBA player and collegiate athletic director Fred Schaus…former head of NBC Sports, Commissioner of the USFL, and President of ESPN Chet Simmons…gym teacher and inspiration for southern rockers Lynyrd Skynyrd Leonard Skinner…NY Yankees owner George Steinbrenner…fabled college basketball coach John Wooden


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Adventures in Grocery Shopping

I like grocery shopping, which as far as I know is rare for a guy. But I’m a bachelor so it isn’t like I have anyone else to do it for me. I guess I figure I may as well enjoy the task. Of course I also like eating (probably too much) so it all sort of comes together like a logical jigsaw puzzle. Anyway, a recent excursion to the store struck me as interesting and has the juices flowing. I am not sure why, as it wasn’t all that much different from any other shopping experience, but I’ll just go with it. Take this virtual trip with me, enjoy the ride, and get a little insight into how my thought process works.


My Mom always had a particular day…I believe it was Thursday…to go grocery shopping. She was much more organized that me, and I am sure there was a reason for this schedule. Conversely, I am completely random. I go either when I am nearly out of food, or maybe just out of certain staples like milk, bread, sugar, salt, etc. that make eating more difficult than necessary. Or there are occasions when I have a day off, the weather is quite lovely, I do not want to lay around The Bachelor Palace all day, and grocery shopping seems like an entertaining option. There was a time when, being a night owl, I may decide to hit one of the 24 hour stores just because I was awake super late and had a burst of energy. However, I work midnight shifts now and even though it is not unusual for me to be awake at 3am on my nights off I rarely venture out at that hour anymore.


The specific day germane to this adventure was a Monday. I am typically working Sunday nights and therefore am a lazy waste of space all day Monday, but happened to have a Sunday night off. This factor, along with Monday being an uncommonly lovely & warm autumn day lead to my decision to be productive. Plus I was out of milk, which is like Lindsay Lohan being at a raging party that has emptied it’s last bottle of Jagermeister.


The first thing that happened when I arrived at the friendly neighborhood (yet nationally known) super mega store was something that occurs often and rarely fails to inexplicably bother the living daylights out of me. I get my wheelchair out of my truck, then transfer my big ol’ fat butt into my chair. I was getting something out of the back of the vehicle when a well-meaning yet unintentionally offensive stranger happened along and asked the question I have come to despise…”Sir, can I help you??” I have yet to come up with the proper response. My comeback is usually a palpably tense “No…thank you though. I got it…do it every day”. Should my response be kinder?? After all, these folks are nice and have the right idea. The world would be better if more people were as thoughtful. Or should my response be designed to expose peoples’ disingenuousness?? I have often thought of just saying a simple “Yes” and then sitting there to await their reaction, which would likely be “Okay…what do you need?? How can I help??”. My reply would then be “Well you’re the one who offered assistance. I assumed you had an idea in mind.” I just wish people understood what a dagger to my heart offers of aid are under anything but extraordinary circumstances. I have been a paraplegic all my life. I survive. I find ways to get things done. I understand my limitations and do not engage in activities that are inaccessible or more trouble than they’re worth. Offering to help with typical daily activities that are, for me, second nature, is akin to me asking a stranger if I they need assistance tying their shoes, cutting their meat, or brushing their teeth. It makes me feel pathetic, and I don’t like feeling pathetic.


Anyway…at this point I need to specify that this particular Monday was November 1st. This is important because the first thing I saw as I entered the store was a rather large Christmas tree. Really?? Are you kidding me?? Less than 24 hours earlier it was all ghosts and pumpkins and fun size candy bars, and now we’ve suddenly jumped into the Christmas season?? Look, I am a huge Christmas guy. I love everything about Christmas…the lights, the food, the movies & TV specials, the music. I especially love the REAL “reason for the season” (y’all do remember what that is, right??). But is it too much to ask that we have a little break between holidays…maybe a week?? And can we please give some love to Thanksgiving?? I long ago accepted that Thanksgiving segues immediately into the month long Christmaspalooza, and that’s okay. I also understand that Thanksgiving is difficult to market. There is a finite number of products we purchase and they are all food…turkey, pumpkin pie, stuffing, yams, cranberry sauce…so it’s not really profitable to a wide variety of retailers. Still, Thanksgiving remains one of the “big” holidays and shouldn’t be pushed aside for Santa Claus, imported toys, and artificial fiberoptic trees.


My first task was to head to the deli. I have only recently begun utilizing the deli. I was under some sort of long term delusion wherein I believed that prepackaged meats and cheeses were less expensive. That may still be the case but I think the price difference is negligible these days. Everything is outrageous. At any rate, a couple things of interest occurred in the deli. First, kudos to whomever came up with the handy thickness chart so one can easily communicate how they want an item sliced. It is such an easy, low tech solution. Simplicity at its best. Conversely, I am a bit mystified at the variety of cold cuts available. In my world ham is ham, turkey is turkey, and bologna is…well, whatever bologna is. But not so fast my friend!! There are now apparently dozens of each type. Honey, smoked, sun dried tomato, baked, Italian style…complexity personified. As I was mulling over my choices and suddenly getting that overwhelmed feeling that I used to get before an algebra quiz in junior high, I became distracted by one of the families in front of me. One member of the family was a young girl probably 8-10 years of age. This little “lady” was not only looking at the glass case that holds all the goodies, she had her face right up against it…while hacking up a lung. Thank God the glass was there. But did her mother tell her to cover her mouth?? Stop making out with the glass?? No. As mentioned, there are enough varieties available. I really don’t think we need H1N1 pastrami. Really people…have some class. Teach your children a bit of couth. My apologies to anyone who has to look that word up in the dictionary.


After getting what I wanted from the deli it was time to methodically maneuver through the rest of the store. I rarely make a list. I live alone, meaning I eat what I want, when I want, how I want. This has not been a positive for my unfortunately corpulent waistline, but it makes shopping easy and enjoyable. I normally meander through each aisle and grab what looks good, and over the years I’ve learned a few things.


First, because I am in a wheelchair and God has a sense of humor what I desire is inevitably on the top shelf. And while there is no shortage of interlopers offering assistance when I do not need any, when I really could use some help suddenly I am The Omega Man.


I also have a million dollar idea that I’ll offer up to some entrepreneurial soul free of charge. Grocery stores should be marked off like roads and parking lots. There need to be lanes. Rules should prevent five (usually rotund) people from walking side-by-side and blocking an entire 10 foot area. We’re shopping here folks, not skipping down The Yellow Brick Road. There also should be time limits…maybe red & green lights. If you can’t decide between Fruity Pebbles and Frosted Mini-Wheats move on and come back later. The rest of us need our recommended daily allowance of fiber too, and the ballgame comes on in 45 minutes.


In a related matter, I sincerely believe that motorized carts should only be used by the elderly and legitimately disabled. Using a cart because you are too obese to walk is just sad.


Always buy the greenest bananas available. You’ll seem like a genius in two days.


Milk is in the rear of the store for a reason. It’s a marketing ploy designed to prevent people like me from rushing in, grabbing my favorite beverage, and leaving without being tempted by a bunch of other stuff. That’s fine. It is a rather ingenious plot.


I have recently begun to eat whole wheat bread and I like it. Of course the health benefits are likely nullified when I slather it with Miracle Whip.


Speaking of unhealthy, my heart breaks every time I peruse the plethora of candy out there and the Bar None, discontinued in the mid-1990’s, is not on the shelves. Damn you Hershey!!


I am quite sure there is a method to the organization of each aisle, and if one frequents the same store often finding things becomes easy enough. But why not arrange everything alphabetically?? Or since we’re such a technologically advanced society how about computers placed throughout the marketplace so one can do a quick search?? Think of it as Google for groceries. Yes I realize there are usually signs hanging from the ceiling telling us what we can expect if we venture down a particular row, but unlike the minimalist solution alluded to in the deli I think this calls for some razzle dazzle. Maybe this sort of thing is available in the big city already, but I live in West Virginia, where a number of people still believe Jimmy Carter is President and some continue to be confused by “the clicker” for the TV.


Checking out is always fun. First of all, why are there 25 checkouts but only 8 of them are open?? The eight that are open have lines stretching halfway back to the beer section. I know a lot of people that need a job who’d be glad to work those other 17 registers. Secondly, I always…always…get stuck behind the person who A) is purchasing hundreds of dollars of food in an apparent effort to singlehandedly cure world hunger, and/or B) has an item which the computer does not recognize thereby forcing the cashier to put on the little light and await a management type. Of course this gives me a few moments to leaf through the tabloids to see what my peeps Paris & the Kardashian gals are up to, find out if Brangelina are still married, clarify who is sleeping with who amongst the cast of Glee, and get an update on the whereabouts of the very much alive Elvis, JFK, and Michael Jackson. Does anyone actually purchase those “magazines” or just glance at them in line?? On this particular day I encountered an especially chipper young man at the register who really seemed to enjoy his job and said things like “I want to do everything I can to make this a great shopping experience for my customers”. And I am convinced he genuinely meant every word. It is likely an unfortunate indictment of my cynical nature that I found myself wondering if he may need some counseling.


Now one would think that after checking out the adventure would be over, right?? Alas, one still must get out of the parking lot without injury. What is it about grocery store parking lots that lower the average person’s IQ by 50. I have had more vehicular near misses and close calls in parking lots than superhighways. I sincerely believe that law enforcement needs to be on duty at all times to direct traffic. This would atleast justify the two or three parking spaces marked as reserved for the police. I mean honestly…I NEVER see any policemen there, so why are they needlessly commandeering much needed parking?? Why are these spaces so close to the entrance?? Don’t police have to maintain a minimal level of fitness?? Make them park in the back under normal circumstances. If a real emergency arises they can park wherever they like anyway. And while I am thinking about it, what’s the deal with “stork parking”?? Aren’t pregnant women supposed to walk as much as possible??


So that’s my story. I look forward to running out of food and having another adventure soon.

 

 

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A State of The Manofesto Address – Fall 2010

As has been the case previously when I hit “the wall” I have decided to update my loyal readers on where things stand with me and my writing. I suppose this exercise is as much a selfish, therapeutic one for me as much as a service to others.


I am not sure why I get this writer’s block on occasion. I am not sure it is even fair to call it writer’s block. I have ideas. I always have ideas. But for some reason I just cannot find the energy to put my ideas into words. This go round there seems to be a lot more going on than just a lack of desire to flex the creative muscles. I have been fighting a general malaise that is affecting my entire life. I haven’t been to church or Bible Study in a couple weeks. There is a sense of discontent with nearly everything. I have crossed the threshold from contentedly being alone to feeling lonely, if that makes any sense. I see others having fun, going places, enjoying relationships, dating, marrying, having children and I am not happy for them…I feel almost angry. I cannot have good-natured sociopolitical debates because people with whom I disagree are increasingly disgusting and foolish in my eyes. My sleep patterns…always wacky due to being a life long night owl and having a job in which I work a midnight shift…are more and more erratic. The always present feeling that I could drop off the face of the earth and very few people would give a damn or even notice has intensified to the point where I am almost purposely disengaging myself from all but necessary activities. This isn’t that difficult since my life isn’t all that exciting in the first place. My level of cynicism is at an all time high and I find myself disgusted with much of what I see, hear, and read. I have always been overweight but I am viscerally uncomfortable now. I know I eat far too much fast food and sweets. I am not ready to see a shrink or become medicated, but I recognize the need to take certain steps and make changes, beginning with my diet. Atleast that is something over which I have some control. Somewhere in the course of the past 15 years I lost direction and focus. I am not sure if I can ever get back on the right track, but I can make the effort and improve the present situation.


So the question becomes, how does any of that relate to The Manofesto?? I am not sure it does in any direct way, but there is a peripheral connection. I started this site because I have thoughts and opinions and God has blessed me with an ability to express them on some level. This has not changed. As a matter of fact, the ultimate irony is that I am at my best when the juices are flowing. Writing makes me happy. So the inability to summon the will to write because of my unhappiness only creates more unhappiness. This too is something I feel like I can control and fight through. To that end I have been pondering the future of The Manofesto. This is a fork in the road, a time to look at the original mission statement and do some…tweaking.


I do not foresee any huge changes in the current format. But I do need to be honest with myself in regards to my interests and level of passion. The 100 Favorite Movies series, which I have enjoyed immensely, is almost finished. I have decided that I like series like this and am trolling the depths of my heart & mind to see what I may do next. My level of interest in politics has…evolved. I am tempted to say it has diminished, but that isn’t quite accurate. If anything I am almost too passionate about my beliefs and this has blurred my perspective. Political discussions become too emotional for me and this is not good. I am keeping The Right Side section open for now but honestly my heart just isn’t in it at the moment. On the flip side there is The Bookshelf. I remember as a teenager and young adult I could amuse myself for hours with a good book. It was nothing for me to finish a 300+ page book in a few days. In the last few years my attention span has become so short that it takes me forever to finish a book, and I have far too many books on the shelves that I was excited to purchase at the bookstore or on Amazon but have done nothing but collect dust in my apartment. I have concluded that reigniting this passion for books and then translating that into writing about them for the blog can only have positive ramifications. Speaking of books, I am pondering taking The Manofesto into the realm of fiction. I am a big fan of Sherlock Holmes. Unfortunately there is no Sherlockian Society in my local area, but I am thinking of trying my hand at writing a Holmes pastiche, i.e. some fan fiction based on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle‘s legendary detective. Quite honestly this scares the heck out of me because I am not at all sure if my stories would be any good. This idea is in the very early stages of ponderance. Speaking of scary, with Halloween just around the corner I am considering an attempt at an appropriately themed ghost story. If this idea is to come about it must be done quickly, but that’s okay because it’s how I work. Writing is never the issue…it’s finding the motivation and the spark of an idea. If that spark occurs I can whip out a tale in no time. Like most writers I believe I have atleast one good book in me somewhere; I just keep hoping for some revelatory flash that leads to the creation of a great character like Holmes, Harry Potter, Huckleberry Finn, or Gandalf. And finally, we’ll still be talking about God. My current issues with church have nothing to do with God and everything to do with people and their selfish cluelessness. That may inject my writing with a bit of a world-weary edge but it does not lessen my faith. We will continue looking at The Fruits of the Spirit and The Sermon on the Mount and get into other stuff as well.


So that’s where things stand. Past experience has taught me that having these fresh ideas and writing an update such as this is a positive indication that the fog is lifting. I am guided by the thought that “this too shall pass” and it has been said that the first step in solving a problem is admitting there is a problem, which means I am heading in the right direction.

 

Another State of The Manofesto Address

A little over a year ago I began this adventure in blogging. I am not vain enough to think these things I write have had any sort of significant impact on society, but hopefully they have made a few people laugh, given others pause for reflection, and inspired some to dig further into a thing or two or three that piqued their interest. In the introduction to The Manofesto (found on The Welcome Wagon page) I made mention that this is a work in progress. To some degree I am “stuck in my ways”, in some cases to my detriment and in others to my everlasting relief. However, I am all for growth and progress, and the time seems right for The Manofesto to evolve, to take that next baby step. To that end, I want to address a few changes on the horizon.

First of all, in the 10th edition of Random Thoughts, published nearly one year ago (7/11/2009), I wrote “I seriously doubt if I will ever get into Twitter…..but never say never.” I am glad I put the “never say never” stipulation in there, because it has been laid upon my heart that now is the time to become a part of Twitter Nation. I am not sure why I have been so reluctant. I suppose I figured that anything I had to say could be said here or atleast on my Facebook page. Plus, when an entity’s most renown supporter is Ashton Kutcher it is underwhelming at best. But two thoughts occurred to me. First, Jesus commanded his disciples to “make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you”, and He also said “come…follow Me…I will make you fishers of men”. Now I know that it is highly unlikely that Christ was referring in any way to Twitter, but I also am open to new ways to spread The Good News and if I at some point tweet a thought or a scripture that touches even one person and points them down the correct path then hey…why not??

The second thing that occurred to me was that Twitter is a good fit for Random Thoughts. In fact, it seems like the perfect marriage. Therefore, beginning on July 4th 2010 I will be utilizing Twitter for my pithy comments & quick jabs and will be closing the Random Thoughts section here at The Manofesto. I will transfer all archived Random Thoughts to the Potluck section. This will enable me to react quicker to events rather than having to wait sometimes several days or even weeks until I have enough thoughts to justify a blog entry. It will also allow me to use the blog to focus on lengthier, more substantial subject matter, something I feel is a necessary step. We’ll still have some fun writing about movies and sports and other pop culture minutia, but I feel like the majority of what I write needs to be a bit meatier.

The final new development (for now) that I want to address is a possible talk show version of The Manofesto. Now this is not something that is going to happen soon, like the Twitter thing. This is something that I am in the process of pondering and exploring, but something that I feel strongly will happen in the not-too-distant future. My college pal Deb, whose blog Real Widows is linked here, has recently gotten together with a fellow “widster” and started a show on BlogTalk Radio. I have done a cursory assessment of what BlogTalk has to offer and it seems user friendly enough and something I could manage easily. Also, I have been talking with my friend The Owl for awhile now, encouraging him to do his own podcast. Whether we will end up doing something together or separately remains to be seen. I know we both have a lot of opinions about things and share a similar desire to spread Jesus’ teachings to the masses, so we’ll see what happens. I may even talk some other friends into joining in or atleast contributing on occasion. Much more prayerful consideration needs to be put into this particular idea, but I feel confident in saying that eventually there will be yet another outlet through which I unleash my unique perspective.

Please be sure to start “following” me on Twitter beginning 7/4/10, and stay tuned for more information down the line about how plans for the show on BlogTalk Radio are progressing.