Former President Calvin Coolidge once said that “Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas.” It goes without saying that we should be merciful and exhibit goodwill all year round, but hey…if you can only muster such geniality & compassion a few weeks per year then atleast that’s a start and now is the moment. At any rate, it’s time to present the 6th annual Sammy Claus Wish List. Let me remind you that, in my limited role as Sammy Claus, I wield no genuine authority to bequeath these gifts. My job is to make suggestions and hope that the Jolly Old Elf up at the North Pole is a citizen of The Manoverse and deems it appropriate to fill folks’ stockings as I have proposed. In the previous five years we have actually had quite a bit of success. The original list in 2009 hoped that John & Kate and Heidi & Spencer would go away. The fact that many of you are now asking “Who are they??” is evidence of our achievement. In 2010 we requested a new stadium for the Minnesota Vikings. That new stadium is now under construction and set to open in 2016. That same year we asked for a college football playoff and for Time-Warner Cable to offer the NFL Network. Done and done. In 2012 we wished for the return of Twinkies, Ho-Ho’s, & other delicious snacks that went away when Hostess imploded. Those treats are indeed back on the shelves at your local supermarket. We also hoped for the extinguishing of The Big East in 2012, and not long after that the football conference shut down. Now only a revised and still pretty decent basketball conference (the original idea anyway) remains. Last year we yearned for a new NASCAR champion and we got one. Jimmie Johnson made The Chase but was eliminated. Bob Hope once stated that ““when we recall Christmas past we usually find that the simplest things…not the great occasions…give off the greatest glow of happiness.” Seeing the gifts on this list bestowed in real life makes me happy. Cheerful reading, and may this Christmas season find you blessed & healthy.
The White House
extra sprinklers & fire extinguishers while the current President continues to set fire to the U.S. Constitution
another free U2 album…whether you want it or not
Officer Darren Wilson
peace, safety, & a new job in a better town
Star Wars Fans
a new hope as The Force awakens
Former U.S. Senator Jay Rockefeller (D-WV)
A happy retirement. Good riddance you old out-of-touch carpetbagger.
Fans of Frozen
the wherewithal to let it go
Janay Palmer Rice
self-respect, strength, & the courage to eventually walk away
the ability to focus on his guests instead of indulging his own narcissism
a fair, logical, & transparent playoff system
The White House
an extra powerful vacuum to clean up as the current President shreds the U.S. Constitution
Former UAB Football Players & Staff
a new home & success in whatever is next
Bill Cosby & His Alleged Victims
the truth…one way or another
tickets to a rap concert
a return to fulfilling & appetizing meals for lunch
a pair of pants (size XL)
more sports, less sociopolitical commentary & obvious bias
A happy retirement. You were brilliant for two decades. I’m so sorry you became a weary & bitter old man.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell
to be trapped in an elevator with Ray Rice
The White House
extra toilet paper & air freshener while the current President continues to take a huge crap all over the U.S. Constitution
lower taxes & rain
The Pittsburgh Steelers
a new defensive backfield
Business Owners in Ferguson, MO
Fans of Honey Boo Boo
books…lots of books…..
continued irrelevance & eventual cancellation
Florida St. QB Jameis Winston
A short, miserable, unproductive, non-lucrative NFL career. Stupidity shouldn’t be rewarded.
Happiness & success in future endeavors. I regret not discovering the hilarity of your Late Late Show until it was almost over.
As has become tradition I shall end with a quote from the Rankin-Bass animated classic Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town:
“Lots of unhappiness? Maybe so. But doesn’t Santa take a little bit of that unhappiness away? Doesn’t a smile on Christmas morning scratch out a tear cried on a sadder day? Not much maybe. But what would happen if we all tried to be like Santa and learned to give as only he can give…of ourselves, our talents, our love and our hearts? Maybe we could all learn Santa’s beautiful lesson and maybe there would finally be peace on Earth and good will toward men.”