Before we get too far into a new year it is time once again to take one final look back at the year that was 2017. This is the seventh presentation of The Sammy Awards, the world’s wittiest fantasy awards show. I’d like to imagine that The Sammys would be streamed on Netflix or Hulu, and could be produced efficiently yet in a tasteful & entertaining manner…less bloated & pompous than some awards programs, but more respectful & sophisticated than others. It is intended to be a year in review, an honest appraisal of the previous twelve months…the fun & the tragedy, the heroic & the forgettable, the sublime & the ridiculous.
Our host this year is fresh off a gig co-hosting CNN’s New Year’s Eve coverage that was hotly debated on social media. He is 
also the host of Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live, so we’re pretty confident he can handle the Sammy Awards stage. Please give a warm welcome to Andy Cohen!!
After some humorous opening remarks from our host this year’s show begins with a musical performance. Because we’re not worried about being hip, cool, lit, or woke it is a huge honor to welcome to the stage…singing a medley of some of his biggest hits…rock music icon Billy Joel!!
Wow!! Thanks to The Piano Man…that was off the chain!!
To present our first award please give a polite golf clap to three time Masters Champion Phil Mickelson!! 
And the nominees are:
Best Sports Story
Tar Heels Title
The conclusion of March Madness saw the North Carolina Tar Heels defeat the Gonzaga Bulldogs to win their sixth NCAA basketball national championship.
ESPN Downsizing
This past spring The Mothership in Bristol, CT did a massive personnel purge, ridding themselves of over 100 employees. Among the cuts were familiar faces like MLB reporter Jayson Stark, NFL reporters John Clayton & Ed Werder and analyst Trent Dilfer, college basketball analyst Len Elmore & reporter Andy Katz, college football analyst Danny Kanell, and Sportscenter anchors Jay Crawford & Jade McCarthy.
Patriots Win…Again
Ugh. The New England Patriots won their fifth Super Bowl in grand fashion. They completed the biggest comeback in Super Bowl history (25 points) and forced the game into the first overtime on its 50+ year history.
Penguins Repeat
The Pittsburgh Penguins won their second straight Stanley Cup (and their fifth since 1990) by defeating the Nashville Predators in six games.
Clemson Wins Playoff
The Clemson Tigers played in their second straight college football National Championship, both against the Alabama Crimson Tide. But this time they won the title with a very exciting last second touchdown pass from QB Deshaun Watson to WR Hunter Renfrow.
Indians Win Streak
They didn’t end up playing in the World Series, but back in August & September the Cleveland Indians had the attention of baseball fans everywhere when they won 22 straight games, a new American League record.
JJ Watt’s Philanthropy
After Hurricane Harvey devastated Houston, TX in August Texans’ All-Pro defensive lineman JJ Watt began a fundraising effort to help the city. His initial goal was $200k. The final tally?? Over $37 million. The NFL has been given a lot of grief the past few years…with good reason. But Watt seems like one of the good guys. Well done sir. Kudos.
Warriors Win Another Title
The NBA bores me, but I usually watch the playoffs. Last summer the Golden State Warriors met the Cleveland Cavaliers for the third consecutive year in the NBA Finals. The Warriors were just too much for the Cavs and won the championship in five games.
Sergio Wins The Masters
Sergio Garcia has long been saddled with the moniker of “best golfer not to have won a major”. He ended that conversation in April when he defeated Justin Rose in a sudden death playoff at Augusta to finally get the monkey off his back.
Dale Jr.’s Retirement
Dale Earnhardt Jr. has been NASCAR’s most popular driver since he first began racing in the late 1990’s, grabbing onto the impressive coattails of his famous father and holding on for dear life. He became a tepid substitute for his Dad after Dale Sr.’s tragic death at the 2001 Daytona 500, and soiled his legacy beyond repair in 2008 when he sold out and joined the evil empire of Hendrick Motorsports. Dale Jr. won two Daytona 500s and zero NASCAR Cup championships. In 2016 he missed a big chunk of the season with concussion issues, and last spring announced that he would be retiring after the 2017 season.
Astros Win World Series
The Houston Astros were a MLB expansion team in 1962. In 2013 they moved from the National League to the American League due to MLB realignment. They lost over 100 games for three consecutive seasons from 2011-13. But slowly they began to build a contender, and it all came together this autumn when the Astros beat the Los Angeles Dodgers in seven games. It was a great story, especially given the circumstances surrounding the city of Houston after Hurricane Harvey, however we shouldn’t overlook the fact that Houston, TX is the fourth largest city in the United States, so this wasn’t exactly a David vs. Goliath upset by small market little guys.
Mayweather-McGregor
My nephews love UFC/MMA…aka ultimate fighting or mixed martial arts. A lot of people do. UFC has grown exponentially in the past decade. But I just can’t get into it for whatever reason. At any rate, one of UFC’s champions & biggest stars is brash & outspoken Irishman Conor McGregor. In 2017 he decided he wanted to test himself in a boxing ring, and he challenged Floyd Mayweather Jr., who many consider the greatest boxer alive and who happens to be just as cocky as McGregor. The matchup was a marketing dream come true. Mayweather made over $100 million, while McGregor was paid in excess of $30 million. The sports media slobbered all over themselves for months. Fans paid $100 to watch the fight on PPV. But all along the talking heads admitted that they didn’t foresee a competitive fight and predicted a fairly easy Mayweather victory, which is pretty much what happened. Mayweather probably could have won in the first round, but he let McGregor hang around for ten rounds before winning with a TKO, thus giving fans the illusion that the fight was worth the money they’d spent and the hype surrounding it. I didn’t watch a) because I had absolutely no interest, and b) there is no way in hell I’d pay $100 for anything on PPV.
And the Sammy goes to…..
Mayweather-McGregor. It wasn’t my cup o’ tea, but I recognize that a lot of people watched it and the sports media did a nice job of hyping it up into an event, even 
though most understood that it probably wasn’t going to be that competitive. And then lo & behold it went ten rounds. Whether you believe that McGregor is really skilled enough to have legitimately kept up with Mayweather for that long or if you take the cynical view that Mayweather made a conscious business decision to allow the fight to last as long as it did doesn’t really matter. The fact is that everyone involved laughed all the way to the bank, and most fans probably don’t regret the time or money they spent. Everybody wins.
To present a very special award please welcome an Emmy nominated & Golden Globe winning comedian & actor, the star of television hits Home Improvement and Last Man Standing as well as films like Toy Story, Galaxy Quest, & The Santa Clause…Tim Allen!!
The Fred Berry Memorial Award for Excellence in Syndication
Frasier
For eleven seasons, from 1993 to 2004, Dr. Frasier Crane and his wacky family & work colleagues…effete brother Niles, blue collar father Martin, live-in aide Daphne 
Moon, flirtatious producer Roz Doyle, bombastic sports radio host Bulldog, oddball co-workers Gil & Noel, and a host of others…came into our living rooms. Frasier Crane had already been with us for a decade, originally appearing on Cheers. Though Frasier was technically a spinoff of Cheers the two shows are very different, albeit similarly well written & both very funny. It may seem blasphemous to some, but I must admit to loving Frasier even more than Cheers. Whereas Cheers took place in a bar, Frasier was about a family, and specifically about an educated, cultured man dealing with all manner of frustrating madness surrounding him. I always felt very connected to Frasier, so it has been a delight this past year to be able to watch a plethora of reruns, usually very late at night, on Hallmark. And they don’t just air one or two episodes. There is…I believe…a three hour block almost every night. I’m not always up that late (or early, depending on one’s perspective), but when I am awake and in a channel surfing mood it is always a pleasure to run across one of my favorite sitcoms of all time. The show has aged remarkably well, and I appreciate the skillfully scripted dialogue & talented cast even more now than I did two decades ago. I’ve reached a point in my life where I don’t feel compelled to check out every new TV show that pops up. Most of them don’t seem like my cup o’ tea anyway. Fortunately I am alive in an era when it is fairly easy to go back and enjoy programs of yesteryear that I know I enjoy. Kudos to Hallmark for introducing a whole new generation to the exquisite charm of Frasier, and a tip of the cap to all involved for creating a show that has stood the test of time.
We are amped to introduce our next presenter. He’s a former ten time World Heavyweight Champion, and upon his retirement from professional wrestling has 
starred in films like Be Cool, Get Smart, Baywatch, & numerous entries in the Fast & Furious franchise. Do you smell what he’s cookin’?? FINALLY…Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has come to The Sammy Awards!! And the nominees are:
The Twitter Award for Most Interesting Water Cooler Topic
Cracker Barrel Fires Brad’s Wife
Nanette Reid was an employee of 11 years at an Indiana Cracker Barrel before she was terminated. Nanette’s husband Brad wanted to know why his wife had been fired, so he made an inquiry on the restaurant’s corporate Facebook page…and things took off from there. #JusticeforBradsWife went viral and lives on.
The End of The Circus
After almost 150 years of entertaining the masses Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus put on its last show this past spring. The plethora of 21st century entertainment options as well as politically correct social justice warriors whining about animal abuse led to a decline in profitability and the eventual demise of the circus.
Fidget Spinner
I don’t know…it’s some sort of toy for nervous people. I suppose it’s a better option than drugs or homicide.
Great American Eclipse
On August 21, 2017 the United States enjoyed a total solar eclipse, the first visible in America since 1979. People gathered in large crowds and some traveled great distances just to see an event that lasted about as long as it takes to go to the bathroom while the ballgame is in a commercial break. I was kind of into it until I found out that viewing the eclipse required special sunglasses or otherwise one might go blind, and by the time I learned that helpful nugget every place was sold out of the glasses so it just became a hassle. However, as I watched the coverage on TV I kind of regretted my laziness. There is another eclipse coming in 2024, so if I’m still around I might make more of an effort.
Taking A Knee
NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick spearheaded a movement in 2016 by kneeling instead of standing respectfully during the playing of the national anthem before football games. Kaepernick said that he refused to honor the flag of a country that oppresses “people of color”. In other words he was upset about alleged police brutality toward black folks. When Kaepernick found himself unemployed in 2017 (what a shock) other players decided to take up the cause. This upset President Trump, who offered some very blunt opinions on the subject. That caused more players to kneel, so the situation had evolved from protesting perceived racism to a hissy fit by people who don’t like Trump. It became a huge PR nightmare for the NFL. On one hand the United States is built on a foundation of freedom and the ability to express opinions, but conversely these protests are viewed by many as pointless, disrespectful to law enforcement & the military, and a juvenile temper tantrum by millionaires who play a game for a living.
iPhone X
Apple’s latest & greatest iPhone…complete with creepy facial recognition technology…went on sale in November (just in time for Christmas!). I’m an iPhone user, but I just upgraded a year ago and the $1000 price point might have finally exceeded my maximum utility.
The Royal Engagement
Prince Harry, younger son of Prince Charles & the late deified & beatified Princess Diana, got engaged to a filthy American, an inconsequential & marginally attractive actress named Meghan Markle. Congratulations to the happy couple. I’m sure this will be a bigger story in 2018 as the wedding day approaches this May.
United Airlines
On April 9, 2017, police at O’Hare International Airport in Chicago forcibly removed passenger Dr. David Dao from a United flight after he refused to depart the airplane upon the demand of management. Dao screamed as officers pulled him out of his seat, and his face hit an armrest during the struggle. Officers then dragged him, apparently unconscious, by his arms on his back along the aircraft aisle past rows of onlooking passengers. Video & photos of the incident went viral. Apparently the man was one of four passengers selected to be removed from the flight to make room for airline employees needing to get to Louisville. The other three were obviously more…compliant. Dao eventually received a monetary settlement from United. This was not an isolated incident, as similar stories were reported a few other times in 2017.
Kathy Griffin’s Career Decapitation
I’ve never found comedian Kathy Griffin funny…at all. She’s not the first person who has built a career out of being obnoxious, and she won’t be the last. Griffin has ticked people off before: she was banned from appearing on The View and Jay Leno’s incarnation of The Tonight Show, got fired from E! after making an inappropriate joke about then 11 year old actress Dakota Fanning, blasphemed Jesus when accepting an Emmy Award, & was banned from performing at New York’s famed Apollo Theater after using profanity. I’m no expert, but being shunned by The View has to be career rock bottom given the loathsome environment that surrounds that show like a noxious gas. However, Kathy Griffin really stepped in it last spring when she posted a video of herself holding the decapitated head of President Trump. The backlash was a little surprising. Since Hollywood hates Trump one might assume that Griffin’s career would reach new heights in the wake of the video, but the commoners in flyover country still wield some influence. She lost marketing deals, was dropped from CNN’s New Year’s Eve show that she’d co-hosted with Anderson Cooper since 2007, and her upcoming comedy tour imploded. Griffin has used social media to cry & moan about how she’s been mistreated in the aftermath of the brouhaha, but the simple fact is that she went too far and it bit her in the tookas.
Unicorn Frappuccino
I’ve patronized Starbucks exactly once in my life. I’m not a frequent coffee drinker, and when I do drink a cup I just want a basic, no frills cup o’ joe with some creamer (no sugar). This past spring Starbucks introduced a new addition to their menu…a multicolored drink made with ice, milk, pink powder, sour blue powder, crème frappuccino syrup, mango syrup, and blue drizzle, which sounds absolutely horrifying.
O.J.’s Release
OJ Simpson’s arrest & trial for murdering his ex-wife & her waiter friend was one of the biggest stories of the 1990’s. As we all know The Juice was found not guilty and was allowed to resume his dogged pursuit of the real killer. But that life was too boring for OJ, and he was ticked off about having to sell a bunch of his stuff after losing a civil suit brought by the victims’ families, so in 2007 he was arrested after an ill-conceived & poorly executed robbery at a Vegas casino during which he tried to get back some of his sports memorabilia. The following year Simpson was convicted of armed robbery and sentenced to 33 years in prison. Most legal experts agree that almost anyone else would have been given little more than a proverbial slap on the wrist, especially since all three of the co-defendants pled down to lesser charges. Many opine that Simpson’s conviction & harsh sentence was a “make-up call” after he’d escaped punishment for the 1994 double murder. OJ Simpson served nine years, and this past summer was granted parole. He was released from prison in October.
Civil War Monuments
Politically correct whining about Civil War monuments…specifically those erected to honor Confederate generals like Robert E. Lee & Stonewall Jackson…isn’t a new discussion. The debate has heated up the past few years. But arguments reached a fever pitch in 2017 after tragic events saw one person killed and 19 injured at a rally in Charlottesville, VA organized to protest the removal of a General Lee statue. My personal opinion is that these monuments were erected for a reason, and in most cases they honor complex yet worthy individuals who lived during a tumultuous time in our nation’s history and were forced to make some very difficult decisions. Thru the prism of time we recognize their mistakes and understand their errors in judgement, but I don’t feel that it is proper to erase our history. None of this was an issue a hundred years ago, fifty years ago, or even ten years ago, but nowadays we are a country full of easily offended social justice warriors who get their jollies trying to destroy everything about the United States with which they disagree.
And the Sammy goes to…..
Taking A Knee. Most sports fans just want to chill out and enjoy watching the ballgame. They want to argue about which team is better, debate who the best quarterback or wide receiver is, and kvetch about dreadful officiating. They do not want divisive sociopolitical rhetoric ruining their fun, but that’s exactly what’s been happening. It’s the reason 
ESPN is bleeding money and a contributing factor to declining attendance & TV ratings. The fact is that Colin Kaepernick is a marginally talented quarterback who is no longer worth the baggage that accompanies him…baggage that he created. The fact is that, while there are bad cops out there because there is incompetence in any & all professions, the vast majority of police officers do a fantastic job and should be praised for the dangerous work they do protecting all of us. The fact is that, while there are people that are erroneously & tragically killed by police officers, the odds are that anyone…black, white, Hispanic, Oriental, Middle Eastern, & any other hue one can think of…anyone who finds themselves in the presence of a police officer with a weapon has most likely put themselves in that situation. That’s not to say that those people deserve to be 
murdered…not at all. But you’ll never drown if you don’t go in the water and you won’t get burnt of you steer clear of fire. So if you’re living life right, obeying the law, & not causing a ruckus there is very little chance that you’ll be shot by a cop. There are 32 NFL teams. With 53 Players on each roster that’s nearly 1700 players. Of those, nearly 900 are convicted felons, which is over half the league. So while I admire their skill & athleticism and enjoy watching them play, forgive me if I have very little regard for their opinions on more serious matters.
This feels like an appropriate place to pause. Please stay tuned for Part 2!!
The baseball playoffs begin tomorrow. The New York Yankees will host the Minnesota Twins for a chance to join the Houston Astros, Boston Red Sox, & Cleveland Indians in the American League field. The Colorado Rockies will travel to the Arizona Diamondbacks to decide who will be in the National League field with the Washington Nationals, Chicago Cubs, & Los Angeles Dodgers. In the American League I know I hate the Yankees, but other than that I don’t have any particular love or disdain for the other teams. As far as the National League goes, the Cubs won it last year and the Dodgers are a big budget, big market team that has the resources to buy a title just like the Yankees, so I’ll be rooting against both of them, to the level that I’ll be cheering for or against anyone at all, which isn’t saying much. I am a Pittsburgh Pirates fan, so basically I stopped paying attention to baseball a couple of months ago. I suppose I’ll watch the playoffs here & there, but to say I’m excited about the post-season would be a huge overstatement.
There are 32 NFL Teams, with 53 Players on each roster. That’s nearly 1700 players. Of those, 871 are 
convicted felons. 871!!!! That’s over half of the league!! That should provide a little insight into what these “protests” are really all about (other than a giant ant-Trump temper tantrum). Don’t misunderstand…I am not defending President Trump’s comments about the “sons-o-bitches” needing to be fired. In an effort to bond with Joe Sixpack and make himself seem like a down to Earth guy Trump oftentimes speaks about things which are beneath his pay grade and in a manner that, rather than making him sound tough & hip, offers ammunition to his critics on a silver platter. Nevertheless, these “protests” have exposed a seedy side of professional sports, one that has always been there but that fans happily ignore. The bottom line is this…just because one has a right to do something doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.
program for paying players via the Adidas shoe company. Head coach Rick Pitino and athletic director Tom Jurich have been put on “administrative leave”, which sure sounds like they’re out of a job to me. Pitino had previously been in hot water a few years ago for cheating on his wife with the wife of the team’s equipment manager, and not that long ago there was a ruckus about the program hooking players & recruits up with strippers. I’m sure there is more to come with all of this, so stay tuned. The sad thing is Pitino will probably be coaching again in a year or two…either a lower level college team or maybe even in the NBA (again).
The less I say about ESPN’s Jemele Hill the better off I’ll be. I’ve never really enjoyed her shtick, and certainly now I immediately turn the channel whenever she appears on my TV screen. Your mileage may vary and that’s okay.
hiding now?? lol The Pats are currently 2-2 and behind the Buffalo Bills in the AFC East. I know I know…they’ll almost assuredly rebound, win the division, and be a significant threat to any playoff opponent. I totally understand that. But for now allow me to bask in the glory of their mediocrity and wittily mock anyone who seriously thought they had a chance to finish undefeated.
Well, what else is there to say?? 2013, 2014, & 2015 were a mirage. The Pirates remain the epic embarrassment that they were from 1993-2012, and it appears that things will remain that way for the foreseeable future. Both GM Neal Huntington and manager Clint Hurdle signed contract extensions recently and, while I don’t think that the failure of the team should rest completely on their shoulders, the refusal of ownership to see that the status quo isn’t good enough is an indicator of more mediocrity to come. In my assessment of the 2013 season I wrote “the years of completely rebuilding over & over again look like they are done…a solid foundation is in place and now it is just a matter of doing some tweaking”. Oh how wrong I was. Things looked okay for a couple of seasons, but then it all fell apart. Perhaps extending Huntington & Hurdle means that ownership believes they can guide the team back to that success of a few years ago, but that seems unlikely. Almost all of the players that fans once anticipated being called up from the minors are now a part of the big league club, and it hasn’t made a difference. There is no good reason for optimism. There really is nothing left to say.
The Trojans were 
the one”. So I’ll admit I was sweating out that overtime thriller versus Texas. Fortunately Southern Cal pulled off a victory, so I still have an opportunity to look like a genius. The Cougars are also 4-0, and it took them three OTs to get past Boise St. a few weeks ago, so like their opponents they’re no stranger to exciting finishes. This is a Friday night contest, which mean I’ll be at work when it kicks off at 10:30pm and if it’s an average-slow night I will be able to catch most of the action on TV so I’m pretty psyched about that. I just think USC is the better team here. It might be competitive & watchable, but we’ll see the cream rise in the 4th quarter. Zach, on the other hand, foresees some key mistakes by USC leading to their demise in a mildly surprising upset.
Vegas). Meanwhile, the 2-1 Wildcats could only score seven points last week in a loss to Vanderbilt. I am intrigued by the points. K-St. has the home field and is clearly the better team, plus there might be a train of thought that Baylor…ummmm…shot their wad…against the Sooners. The Vibes are telling me that this’ll be right on the line, but I’m going to take a chance that Baylor only loses by 14 or 15 points. Zach concurs.
I seriously thought that Clemson would fall outside the Top 10 this season. That still may happen, but thus far they’ve looked 
every bit the championship team in winning their first four games. Tech ain’t bad either, though outside of the season opener against my WV Mountaineers they haven’t played anyone notable. This game is in Blacksburg but I don’t think it makes that much of a difference. I’m sure it’ll be a fun contest, but the touchdown point spread isn’t going to scare anybody into taking the Hokies. Conversely, Zach thinks the always formidable Hokie defense will give Clemson fits and that their young quarterback will rise to the occasion.
The Titans currently sit atop the AFC South while the Texans occupy the cellar, but we’re only three games into the season so it’s way 
too early to really know much. I have been impressed with Houston rookie QB Deshaun Watson and am considering starting him in my dynasty league. I can’t really get a good read on either of these teams so this game could go either way. Tennessee is probably the more complete team right now, but I’m going to put my faith in Watson putting up some big numbers and pulling off the upset. Zach thinks Tennessee is simply better and will prove it.
they shouldn’t be favored even with the home field, but that’s an indicator that no one is that impressed with the 2-1 Eagles. I’m really not sure where to go with this one, but I happen to like Philly’s young QB Carson Wentz, who I believe will grow into one of the league’s better signal callers as the team is built around him. They’re probably not going to be a playoff contender for another year or two, but I think the Eagles win this game. Zach agrees.
The Manofesto 