Academy Award

Points of Ponderation…..Episode 4.13

A semi-regular attempt to address some of life’s minutiae that might otherwise be overlooked…..

 

 

mcfYes I watched The Oscars. What can I say…I was curious and jlawthere was nothing else better to do. Host Seth McFarlane was far less profane than most anticipated, although I am not really sure how much vulgarity anyone expected him to get away with anyway. However, the whole show was kind of an odd & clunky mess. I liked the appearance by William Shatner’s Captain Kirk (although the skit went on far too long), wasn’t all that offended by that song about boobs, and reluctantly chuckled at McFarlane’s joke about John Wilkes Booth being the only actor who was ever really able to get inside President Lincoln’s head. Conversely there were jokes about Mel Gibson, Rihanna & Chris Brown, and George Clooney that probably sounded funny in rehearsal but fell flat live. I could have done without the appearance of Mee-shell Obama, who like her shatner-captaint-kirk-oscars-videohusband seems a bit too enamored with the idea of being a celebrity & schmoozing with celebrities instead of actually governing. First ladies are supposed to be classy. None of the ones that I am familiar with from my lifetime…Pat Nixon, Betty Ford, Rosalyn Carter, Nancy Reagan, Barbara Bush, Hilary Clinton, & Laura Bush…would have appeared at The Academy Awards because they had more important things to do and weren’t narcissistic. Both Daniel Day-Lewis and Jennifer Lawrence were more than deserving of their awards. I have yet to see Best Picture winner Argo, but I’ll get around to renting it soon. It weirds me out a bit that Ben Affleck has now won two Oscars. Meanwhile Matt Damon is performing voiceover work for TV commercials and doing bits on the Jimmy Kimmel late night show. Yikes. Overall I think that McFarlane was a lot better than previous hosts like Whoopi Goldberg, bcryAnn Hathaway & James Franco, and Chris Rock, but it seemed like he was trying very hard to capture that Billy Crystal vibe and failed in the same way that Coke Zero tries to convince us that it tastes exactly like Coca-Cola but just doesn’t. Here’s my idea. Crystal is only 64 years old. Give him a 10 year contract and make him the “permanent’ host of The Academy Awards. After 10 years we will be sick of even him and might be a little more receptive to a fresh face. Oh, and I would also seriously pare down the number of awards handed out during the televised ceremony. No one gives a damn about sound editing, visual effects, hair & makeup, or costume design. There is absolutely no reason why the entire show can’t easily be done in 3 hours.

 

 

2_mindy_mccready_54271657-4_3_r536_c534I’ve been pondering this Mindy McCready story that has gotten so much media play the past few weeks. McCready of course is the erstwhile country singer that recently ended her own life, leaving behind two small children. There are just so many things involved…so many directions one can go in pontificating on the situation. I’m not a big country music fan, but I vaguely recall McCready’s brief time in the spotlight in the late 90’s. She had a decent song or two, dated the dude who played Superman on TV, and was a hot blonde. I won’t even pretend to understand either depression or drug addiction. I’ve known a couple of people who were addicted to alcohol and/or drugs, and I have a couple of friends with clinical depression who have attempted suicide. I get down in the dumps sometimes and wish my life was more interesting, that my love life was awesome, that I was more successful & financially secure…but I can honestly say that I have never seriously contemplated ending my own life. However, I will not criticize those who walk thru such valleys. Afterall, there but for the grace of God go I. Having said that though, there are a few things about the McCready case that are instructive. First of all, though she was little more than a flash in the pan on the music scene, McCready was still…in the loosest sense of the term…a celebrity. She had talent, beauty, fame, and atleast at some point money. Yet at the end of the day none of it mattered. Secondly, a common thing that I seem to read or hear when something like this happens is that she left behind two children which makes her suicide a selfish act. I certainly understand that point of view, but my (as usual) superficial research reveals an interesting perspective. Many people who commit suicide feel, in the depths of their despair, like their act is actually altruistic…that they are doing those left behind a favor, even if that includes small children. I may not be able to relate to that point of view, but I do understand it on some level. And speaking of loosely defined celebrities, McCready appeared on a “reality” show in 2010 called Celebrity Rehab, hosted by Dr. Drew ddrewPinsky. Citizens of the Manoverse know my aversion to reality television, but even within that pathetic genre this show really scrapes the bottom of the barrel. I think it is sad that such a show even exists to exploit the problems of semi-famous people who are obviously desperate for any outlet that will get them back in the spotlight and maybe reinvigorate their bank accounts. Dr. Drew is one of those celebrity doctors, like Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz, & Dr. Ruth, who seems more interested in being a TV star than an actual doctor. Call me old-fashioned, but I think peoples’ problems & issues are in the same category with acts of charity & altruism…they should be on the down low and dealt with behind closed doors, not out in the open in some wretched attempt to gain notoriety. In five years of the show 5 former cast members have died, so whatever Dr. Drew is doing doesn’t seem to be working. And finally, before McCready offed herself she shot her dog. That’s right…she killed an innocent pet. I have to be honest…that’s the one thing about the whole story that I really have a hard time understanding on any level. I love my dog, and if anything would happen to me I know he’d be confused & sad, but someone somewhere would take him in and provide a good home for him. I cannot imagine being so sick in the head as to actually put a bullet thru an innocent animal. But of course as I’ve already stated, there is nothing about any of this is that I can really relate to.

 

 

pcHis Lordship the Imperial Mayor of NY City is at it again. Or maybe people are just now beginning to realize the full extent of his assclownery. It seems that it has become clear to restaurant & club owners in The Big Apple that, as a result of Mayor Bloomberg’s well documented ban on anything bigger than 16 oz containers of sugary drinks, pizza joints will no longer be allowed to deliver 2 liters of soda pop and families will no longer be able to share a pitcher of cola at a local restaurant. Of course that same family could still legally share a pitcher of beer, which seems a little odd.cola If my calculations are correct Bloomberg’s 3rd & final term (which he got only thru political chicanery) ends this November and it will be interesting to see if New Yorkers elect someone with the cahones to reverse all of Bloomberg’s stupidity and restore freedom to the people, or if they will be foolish enough to choose yet another dictator who will continue the silliness.

 

 

padeWe began with actors so we’ll finish with them. With his 3rd Best Actor Oscar Daniel Day-Lewis is now being lauded by some as the best actor in the history of jstewacting. I just can’t bring myself to go there quite yet, but it is an interesting debate. Other names I’ve seen thrown into the argument include Robert DeNiro, Jack Nicholson, Spencer Tracy, Dustin Hoffman, Marlon Brando, Richard Burton, and Sir Laurence Olivier. I’d also suggest the likes of Al Pacino, James Stewart, and Tom Hanks. I love discussions like this because there is no wrong answer. It all TOM-HANKS-NET-WORTH1comes down to personal taste and the kinds of movies these guys make. The reason I like DeNiro, Pacino, Stewart, and Hanks better than ddlewNicholson , Day-Lewis, & Burton is because I would rather watch The Godfather, It’s A Wonderful Life, Forrest Gump, & Meet the Parents than The Departed, There Will Be Blood, or Cleopatra. Your mileage may vary and that’s okay.

 

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The Sammy Awards 2012 – Part 1: The Curse of the Goblet of Secrets

Resin-Trophies-1348257350204Happy Holidays and welcome to the 3rd annual Sammy Awards. I sincerely hope that everyone in The Manoverse had a lovely & festive Christmas, and I wish you all a very Happy New Year. Before we get on with the imaginary show let me briefly review the ground rules for anyone who may have missed last year’s presentation. I approach this effort with the thought in mind that it could actually be a real, televised awards show. There are dozens of them already, so what’s one more?? Mine would be much different & more entertaining though. It’d be broadcast on HBO, which would allow multiple re-runs, eliminate commercials, and create a sense of freedom that the politically correct broadcast networks stifle. The pace would be brisk because a show longer than two hours drags and loses the interest of the viewer. There would be no acceptance speeches because most of the categories have far too many nominees to have in the audience and alot of them might not think it an honor to be nominated anyway. The Sammys are classier than the idiotic MTV Awards, yet not as pompous as The Academy Awards. They are a lighthearted but thoughtful look back at the past year…the stories, the people, and the events (both happy & not so happy) that made 2012 another fun ride.

 

34111_clint0gsThis year’s host is legendary actor/director Clint Eastwood. If I have to explain why then you haven’t been paying attention.

 

 

Jimmy-Fallon-EmmysAfter a brief, slightly amusing, somewhat rambling opening monologue by Mr. Eastwood our first dogg_afterdarklgaward will be presented by late night talk show host Jimmy Fallon and rapper/actor Snoop Dogg. And the nominees are:

 

 

The Twitter Award for Most Interesting Water Cooler Topic

Octomom Does Porn

We first met Nadya Suleman a few years ago when she gave birth to octuplets (that’s 8 babies for those of you in MacDowell County, WV). It was quickly discovered that Suleman already had 6 kids and was a succubus on the Big Government teat, so no one could figure out why she was on meds to have even more offspring when she couldn’t even take care of the ones she had. Octomom became one of those 21st century “celebrities” that shows like Extra & Entertainment Tonight like to enable. Flash ahead to 2012 when Suleman figured out that not even the government offers a big enough check to properly provide for 14 children. Her solution?? Pornography and dancing at a strip club…of course. Making matters worse is the fact that this is a woman who, objectively speaking as a man who appreciates lovely women, is just not that attractive and should be paid to keep her clothes on.

 

Regis’ Replacement

81 year old Regis Philbin has spent more time on television than anyone else in history. Seriously…it’s in the Guinness Book of World Records. But not even Regis could suffer through another year with the overly perky Kelly Ripa. Faced with the choice of either gouging his own eyes out with a spoon on national television or retiring he did the smart thing and walked away from the daytime talk show that he’d helmed for nearly 25 years in late 2011. Throughout most of 2012 various guest hosts auditioned for the “honor” of being annoyed by Ripa on a daily basis. Dozens of gentlemen from various genres of entertainment were given the opportunity to take Regis’s spot, although only a handful were ever considered viable contenders. Among those were singer Josh Groban, actors Neil Patrick Harris & Mario Lopez, journalists Dan Abrams & Andy Cohen, fashion expert Carson Kressley, SNL funnyman Seth Myers, meteorologist Sam Champion, and Ripa’s own husband Mark Consuelos (an apparent masochist). This search went on for months. I’ve witnessed entire relationships…from the dating stage to the marriage thru the divorce…that were shorter than the process to find Regis Philbin’s successor. At the end of the day the gig was given to former NY Giants sack king Michael Strahan, proving once & for all that the long term effects of concussions on football players is a real issue.

 

Prince Harry & Kate Middleton Nekkid

For some reason we Americans are still enamored with the British royal family. I have no idea why. Maybe it is because they always do wacky things that inadvertently entertain the masses. At any rate, this past summer the world was all abuzz after every supermarket rag and low rent website published photos of 28 year old Harry, the younger son of Prince Charles and the late, nearly deified Princess Diana, au naturel in a Vegas hotel room. What happens in Vegas does not stay in Vegas when you are a prince. Then this fall Harry’s sister-in-law, Kate, the wife of Prince William, was photographed by paparazzi topless, which of course was all over the same trashy magazines & websites. I’m not sure why anyone cares because I sure as heck don’t.

 

Bullying

Bullying isn’t a new topic of discussion. There have been bullies for as long as there have been children. But in 21st century America, where everything is a problem, too many people are hypersensitive, and things that didn’t used to be a big deal have become opportunities for bleeding hearts to become offended, bullying has suddenly become a hot button issue. My stance on the whole thing is, as usual, somewhat politically incorrect. I’ve never been bullied, but at times I have certainly been overlooked, taken for granted, and made to feel invisible. It concerns me that nowadays we have children actually committing suicide due to bullying. This seems like a relatively recent phenomenon, and I think we need to ask ourselves why. If bullying itself isn’t new but our collective hysteria about it is then maybe…just maybe…it should be considered that we are simply raising weaker children unequipped for handling the rigors of childhood. And if a kid can’t handle being a kid then what the heck are they going to face when they grow up?? It’s a tough world full of challenges, disappointment, heartbreak, and yes…mean & nasty people who will walk all over you if they are allowed. I’m no sociologist and I am not even a parent so I certainly don’t have any answers, but I think it’s a discussion worth having.

 

Chick-Fil-A

I’ve always liked Chick-Fil-A. They have tasty sammiches and the whole waffle fries thing is different in a good way. In 2012 the fast food chain found themselves in a bit of a pickle (if you’ve ever eaten one of their sammiches you’ll appreciate the joke) when their CEO publically espoused support for traditional marriage & Christian values. This mightily upset the liberal deviant lifestyle crowd. However, whether they were standing up for Biblical principles or just supporting the executive’s 1st Amendment right to free speech, millions of people mobilized and rallied around the eatery, helping them to post record profits. My friend The Owl and I both enjoy going to our particular local Chick-Fil-As not only because the food is good but also because it is a first class operation whose employs are well trained in the art of customer service and seem to treat every patron with dignity & respect. That is much too rare in 21st century America.

 

Fifty Shades of Grey

What is the dividing line between erotica and porn?? Is there really a difference?? I think maybe erotica is just a word women who read this kind of crap use to make themselves feel better about their sin. Anyway, this is a trilogy that I will likely never read but that took the world by storm in 2012. To each their own I suppose.

 

Bee Pollen

I know people who have lost weight taking the stuff, and I know people who sell it. Since I am on my own weight loss journey I seriously pondered giving it a whirl but when I asked my nutritionist about it she assured me that it was total poppycock. I think the trick is that one is instructed to consume copious amounts of water with the pills, which logically will eliminate hunger. Drink a big ol’ vat of H2O sometime and see if you feel like snacking afterword. I can tell you right now you won’t want to because you’ll be full. So here’s an idea…why not just skip the pills and drink a lot of water?? Seems like a logical solution to me. But hey, if taking these pills legitimately helps a person lose weight…even if it is simply a placebo effect…then go for it. Whatever works, right??

 

Call Me Maybe

Every once in awhile a song will come along that divides the nation…some people dig it while others absolutely hate it. This is one of those songs. It’s a catchy little bubblegum pop tune about a young lady’s unrequited crush that caught fire last summer and spent the vast majority of it at #1 on the charts. Personally I kind of like the song. Your mileage may vary and that’s okay.

 

TomKat Divorce

It wasn’t all that long ago…2005 to be exact…that Hollywood wackjob Tom Cruise made a complete ass of himself jumping up & down like a lunatic on the couch of Satan’s favorite talk show host Oprah. He was a man in love. He had apparently been a closet Dawson’s Creek fan just like your humble Potentate of Profundity, but unlike me he had the means to successfully woo innocent little Joey Potter from Capeside and lure her into his cult. He got her knocked up and then they got married (the order in which most relationships seem to go nowadays). Flash ahead to 2012 when apparently Katie Holmes finally woke up and figured out “Hey…I’m Joey freakin’ Potter!! I don’t have to put up with this crap.” So now the two are divorced and vying for the affection of their little daughter Suri, whose gig as the voice of the iPhone has got to keep her pretty busy. Dear Katie: I am available and I am a Methodist…think you can handle that??

 

Limbaugh Slut Controversy

In February a Georgetown law student spoke to members of Congress about health care. In essence she stated that birth control should be free and that during her years at Georgetown Law School she’d spent about $3000 on birth control when it should have been covered under the student health plan. It is my understanding that this student referenced friends that needed contraceptive medication for legitimate health issues, but didn’t say that she herself had been spending thousands of dollars due to medical necessity. My man Rush Limbaugh picked up on the story and pontificated aloud that a woman wanting free contraceptives and spending that much on them must be having a lot of sex, which would make her a slut. He said a bunch of other provocative stuff too, and predictably the liberal drive-by media was all over it. The NOW gang and a posse of other libs started calling for Rush’s head on a platter. Rush lost a few advertisers. Even some so-called Republicans turned on him. The controversy brewed for a few weeks. Eventually Rush apologized, and he weathered the storm like he always does.

 

iPhone 5 vs. Samsung Galaxy SIII

Who rules the cell phone world?? Those little toys have certainly come a long way in a short time, to the point where almost everyone, from grade schoolers to grandparents, has one. And while there is no shortage of carriers and phones, in 2012 the battle for the top spot came down to two contenders. The latest generation iPhone became available in September and sported a slightly bigger screen amongst other improvements. However, four months earlier Samsung had made an impact on the market with the Galaxy SIII, which is a huge phone. A little too big in my opinion. I briefly tried the Samsung, but had owned an iPhone 3GS for three years and was just so used to that format that I returned the Galaxy in favor of the 5. My sister and nephews all have the Galaxy though and really like it. It’s all good. And as long as there is stiff competition then we the customers should ultimately benefit.

 

Gangnam Style

This is a song accompanied by some sort of goofy dance. It was done by a Korean dude that no one had ever heard of and who will probably never do anything notable ever again. It’s one of those crazes like The Macarena, Madonna’s Vogue, The Dougie, The Lean Back, and The Hammer Dance that periodically take America by storm for a few months until we get bored and find something new & shiny to entertain us. The Korean dude appeared during a skit on SNL in October and I honestly had no idea why the audience was going wild. I’m old & out of touch like that, which is fine by me.

 

Bath Salts

Up until a couple of years ago I thought bath salts were something that women bought at the chick store at the mall that has all the smelly stuff & candles. Maybe at one time that was the case. However, more recently the most common usage of bath salts is in reference to a synthetic drug that apparently totally wacks people out. In 2012 usage of bath salts seemed to grow exponentially, especially here in West Virginia. Just 5 minutes from my home a “head shop” was busted by the feds last spring after selling hundreds of thousands of dollars’ worth of the stuff. WV leads the nation in bath salts usage and my city is…was…the epicenter. Wow…what an honor. Personally I am not into drugs. My parents taught me better and I’ve always figured that I’d be the unlucky SOB whose heart would explode if I ever smoked crack, shot heroine, or snorted coke. On top of that I have seen how drugs can wreck lives and slowly kill people. No thank you…not this kid. I’ll stick with skim milk and copious amounts of chocolate.

 

Honey Boo-Boo

Is this what The Learning Channel has become?? I’ve never watched this show and likely never will. Reality TV just isn’t my thing. But apparently it’s about some little girl who competes in those hideous child beauty pageants and her redneck family. I’ve heard numerous people say that the show is absolutely hilarious, but personally my standards are higher. Your mileage may vary, but may I suggest turning off the television occasionally and reading a book??

 

Clint Eastwood at the RNC

Eastwood is a rarity…a Republican in Hollywood. There might be more than we know about but they are so legitimately concerned that they might have their careers derailed by the leftist elite power brokers that they hide their conservative values, like straight men who like Air Supply or how Bruce Wayne doesn’t tell anyone he’s Batman. Anyway, Eastwood was asked to give a speech at the Republican National Convention last summer, and while I personally thought he was amusing the liberal drive-by media immediately jumped all over the performance. They blasted Mr. Eastwood for utilizing an empty chair and pretending like he was interviewing President Obama. Was it unconventional?? Yes. Might it have been better if he’d prepared a speech rather than going off-the-cuff?? Probably. Was it offensive?? Only to those who constantly fellatiate Obama and think he does no wrong.

 

 

And the Sammy goes to…..

Chick-Fil-A.  Fast food & sociopolitical commentary don’t usually intertwine, but one’s attitude about Chick-Fil-A in 2012 was an 394422_4040790630650_2102781277_nindicator not only of whether or not a person likes a yummy chicken sammich, but where they stand on some very important issues. There are people who have chosen never to give their business to the place ever again, while there are others that proudly stood up not only for the values espoused but the freedom to express them. Whether or not you or I eat at Chick-Fil-A and why we make that choice doesn’t really matter all that much on the surface. It’s a restaurant. There are thousands of them. Three restaurants within a mile of The Bachelor Palace have closed up shop within the past 6 months and it had absolutely no impact on my life. But the reasons for the controversy…our cultural outlook on same sex marriage vs. traditional marriage as it was designed by God and our thought process on Constitutional rights…are extremely important matters that have helped define America and will shape its future for better or worse.

 

adeleSinger Taylor Swift was originally scheduled to perform in this spot, but she broke up with atleast 3 guys in the past week and canceled on us after suddenly becoming inspired to write her next two albums. So it is our pleasure to welcome, singing two of her top hits Set Fire to the Rain and Rolling in the Deep, British songstress Adele.

 

charlie-sheenTo present our next award The Manofesto is proud to welcome back last year’s winner of the Sammy for Assclown of AtGfFHaCEAAxY80.jpg largethe Year, actor & provocateur Charlie Sheen, and a guy who knows a thing or two about bad movies (he’ll never live down Hudson Hawk), actor Bruce Willis, And the nominees are:

 

 

Worst Movie

 

Ted

I sincerely wanted to like Ted, a story about a boy who receives a stuffed bear for Christmas and then wishes that the bear would “come to life” ala Frosty the Snowman. The boy’s wish is granted and he grows up with the living stuffed animal as his constant companion until the relationship starts to complicate things in his adult life. Ted has some legitimately funny moments, and anytime Hollywood comes up with a unique idea rather than just another tired old clichéd retread I like to give credit where credit is due. However, I should have known that anything from the mind of Family Guy creator and voice artist Seth McFarlane would take a creative & potentially hilarious concept and infuse it with a plethora of low class, raunchy potty humor. I’m no prude, but honestly this film could have been so entertaining without going in that direction. It’s lazy, classless, and caters to the lowest common denominator. I am stunned that Star Trek: TNG’s Patrick Stewart agreed to “narrate” such crude vulgarity.

 

Rock of Ages

I have to be honest…I didn’t hate this film. As a child of the 80’s I enjoyed the music immensely. There were pretty good covers of songs by the likes of Night Ranger, Poison, Foreigner, Pat Benatar, REO Speedwagon, Journey, Bon Jovi, Whitesnake, & Def Leppard, among others. Tom Cruise’s performance as a kind of Axl Rose/Jim Morrison hybrid is actually quite brilliant. However, the movie as a whole leans toward being rather cheesy. The story is forgettable and the rest of the cast, including the normally superb Alec Baldwin & Paul Giamatti, the irritatingly unfunny Russell Brand, and a horribly miscast Catherine Zeta-Jones do nothing to save the calamity.

 

American Reunion

I enjoyed the original American Pie immensely. It ranks 72nd of my 100 Favorite Movies. American Pie 2 was bland & forgettable, but the franchise rebounded with a third film, 2003’s American Wedding. So here we are 9 years later and the powers-that-be decided to squeeze one last drop from the cash cow. It would have made total sense if it’d happened three years ago. Most high school classes have a 10 year reunion, right?? The fact that this is a 13 year reunion is clumsily taken into account in the course of the story, but unfortunately it is too little too late. There is a distinct lack of creativity here. To a large degree very few of these characters have grown up, changed, or emotionally evolved over the past 13 years. This is especially noticeable with the character of Stifler, who is still just as obnoxious as a 30 year old as he was as a teenager. It isn’t realistic. Couldn’t some talented scribe have written a script where these characters have gone through the natural maturation process but at the same time created a funny story as well?? I guess not. There was one interesting choice that I am still kind of ambivalent about. In the story Jim’s mother has died. I am not sure killing off a character in a rom-com franchise is really wise or necessary, but on the other hand it is realistic (I lost my own Mom in my late 20’s) and it enabled the pairing of Jim’s Dad with Stifler’s Mom, and that is the best part of the movie.

 

The Three Stooges

Is it funny?? Kinda sorta. But instead of just being a new Stooges movie it kind of feels like three dudes doing impressions of the original Stooges. Some things simply cannot or should not be remade, revived, or reinvented. The Three Stooges were legends of a certain era, and thankfully we can pop in a DVD and see their stuff anytime we like. To transport the concept to modern times with new actors just doesn’t quite work despite a solid & spirited effort.

 

That’s My Boy

Long time citizens of The Manoverse may have noticed that the category of Worst Movie is new to The Sammy Awards. Your humble Potentate of Profundity has never seen a reason for it because I have been blessed with good taste and am normally smart enough to not shell out money for a bad movie. Part of me wants to believe that there isn’t any such thing as a bad movie. You go to the theater, buy a ticket, grab some popcorn, a vat of cola, & a box of Goobers, and escape from reality for a couple of hours. That is inherently a good thing. In hindsight maybe the movie wasn’t as funny as it could have been or didn’t live up to lofty expectations & preconceived notions, but at the end of the day there were certainly a lot worse things you could have spent a chunk of your day doing. However, in 2012 Adam Sandler singlehandedly destroyed this lifelong sanguine notion within 2 hours. My friend The Owl had tried to warn me that there was nothing funny about rape, statutory or otherwise. What he doesn’t know is that this piece of garbage throws in some incest for good measure. In 40 years on the planet I have never left the theater in the middle of a movie, mostly because if I’ve paid for something I’m going to see it thru to the end (I don’t leave a ball game in the 3rd quarter or the 7th inning, and I don’t leave a concert early to beat the traffic), but honestly I came very very close to ditching this crapfest. Sandler’s movies have never been accused of being refined or artistic, but atleast flicks like Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, & The Waterboy were funny and had a heart. That’s My Boy has absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

 

The Five Year Engagement

I am a big fan of How I Met Your Mother’s Jason Segal, star of last year’s Sammy Award winning film The Muppet Movie. I also enjoy a good rom-com. Those things combined with the fetching charm of British siren Emily Blunt should have been ingredients for a pleasant little escape. Sadly though the writers took a fine premise and tried to squeeze a bit too much out of it. It’s certainly not a horrible film, but it’s like a great steak that is left under the broiler just a wee bit too long and comes out somewhat flavorful but also a bit overdone. On the bright side there is a standout supporting performance by the lovely Alison Brie, who should become a big star any day now.

 

A Christmas Story 2

We all watch the 1983 original every Christmas. It’s a beloved holiday classic. Making a direct-to-video sequel three decades later was just not a good idea. It’s not creative and it’s not funny.

 

The Campaign

I had high hopes. Logically the combined comedic talents of Will Ferrell (Anchorman, Old School, Elf) & Zach Galifianakis (The Hangover Trilogy) should have been a no-brainer. But this tale of a long time Congressman being challenged by a dimwitted milquetoast just fell flat. Ferrell has perfected his vain, misogynistic, offensively cocky doofus shtick over the years, but he has done it so much better in other films. This time it felt like he kind of mailed it in. The Galifianakis character is irritating at best. I will give kudos to Dylan McDermott (the guy who used to be in ABC’s The Practice and starred in the 1994 remake of Miracle on 34th Street) because he is surprisingly amusing in a supporting role. It’s like the producers of the movie couldn’t decide if they wanted to do a traditional comedy or a piercing political satire, and at the end of the day the result is tepid on both ends.

 

And the Sammy goes to…..

That’s My Boy. This movie was not only the worst movie of 2012, but should receive strong consideration for the worst movie in 2012_thats_my_boy_002the history of movies. I seriously do not know what in the world Adam Sandler was thinking. I don’t know how this steaming pile of dung ever got greenlit in the first place. No one expects Oscar caliber Shakespearean gravitas from Sandler, and that’s okay. The world needs some frivolity on occasion, but even mindless entertainment should have some standards.

 

 

 

This seems like the appropriate place to take a break. Please join us this weekend for Part II of the 2012 Sammy Awards!!

 

 

 

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The Sammy Awards 2011 – Episode III: Revenge of the Phantom Fellowship

Welcome back to the exciting conclusion of the 2011 Sammy Awards. Thanks for reading and please don’t hesitate to leave comments on who you would have nominated, your thoughts on the winners & losers, and ideas you’d like to see incorporated into next year’s show.

 

To present our next award please welcome the 99th most followed celebrity on Twitter, Academy award winning actor Tom Hanks. And the nominees are:

The Twitter Award for Best Water Cooler Topic

Tablet Computers & iPhone4GS

First we had desktops. Then laptops became ubiquitous. Now it seems we are heading toward a society where everyone surfs The Net, listens to music, and watches movies on an iPad, Kindle Fire, or any of the other similar devices that flooded the market in 2011. The other big techie toy this year was the new iPhone, which doesn’t seem like that much of an upgrade from the previous model. No worries though…they’ll come out with something else in a few months.

 

The Return of Beavis & Butt-Head

When I was in college in the early 90’s one of our favorite shows was MTV’s animated ode to slackers, created by Mike Judge before he wrote the cult classic film Office Space. This year, after a 14 year absence, the boys returned to television and it’s as if they never left, only now instead of making fun of music videos (which MTV doesn’t even show anymore), our two favorite idiots critique drivel like Jersey Shore, 16 & Pregnant, and Teen Mom. And you know what?? It’s still really funny.

 

Death of Amy Winehouse

On July 23rd this lush keeled over & croaked due to alcohol poisoning. Shocker. I couldn’t identify one of her songs if my life depended on it because I have taste & class. But apparently she did have her following and they were sad for about 5 minutes until something else grabbed their short attention spans.

 

Jerry Lewis & MDA Part Ways

Jerry Lewis hadn’t been relevant as an entertainer since The Nixon Administration, but until 2011 he still continued to be welcomed into our living rooms every Labor Day as host for the Muscular Dystrophy Telethon. Toward the end of 2010 MDA announced that the normally 21.5 hour show would be scaled back to just a 6 hour broadcast on Sunday night. Then in May of this year it was proclaimed by the organization that 2011 would be Jerry’s last as host but that he would remain as their national chairman and would continue to close each telethon with his signature tearjerker tune You’ll Never Walk Alone. But in August, just a few weeks before Labor Day, MDA announced that Lewis was finished as both host & chairman, effective immediately. It is still a mystery whether he was fired or quit for some reason. The local station in my hometown that had always carried the event in its entirety decided not to do so at all this year, so I didn’t even get to see the stripped down version. Oh sure I could have tuned in online, but that’s just not the same. And neither will future Labor Day Weekends be without Jerry Lewis. It’s a shame that a treasured piece of Americana had to end with such a whimper.

 

The End of Oprah

On May 25, 2011 Satan’s Minion ended her talk show of 25 years, leaving millions of bored housewives, gays & lesbians, and unemployed, unfulfilled losers of all shapes & sizes curled up in the fetal position wondering what they were going to do with their lives. Hey now…don’t cry…you’ve still got Dr. Phil!!

 

The “New” Facebook

A few months ago Facebook users by the millions flipped the hell out when the site implemented a number of pretty radical changes like a “ticker” and a revamped news feed. I’m a big fan of “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it”, and Zuckerberg & his crew just seemed to be tinkering with something that didn’t need changed. However, eventually everyone got over their displeasure and continued to enjoy the site. Now Facebook is rolling out another new deal called Timeline. I took the opportunity to switch over to Timeline a couple of months ago and, unlike the previous changes, I rather like it and will be surprised if it incites much rage.

 

Hanks Williams Jr. Booted From Monday Night Football

A version of Hank Williams Jr.’s song All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight had been used as the theme song for Monday Night Football since 1991. That all changed after an October 3rd interview the singer gave on Fox News in which he likened President Obama playing golf with Speaker of the House John Boehner to Hitler playing with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. The liberal drive by media…including the pantywaists at ESPN…predictably got their knickers in a twist because NO ONE is allowed to criticize their boy Barack Hussein Obama. ESPN made the decision to stop utilizing the tune altogether, and Bocephus called them out on their BS in his own inimitable way.

 

Kim Kardashian Marriage/Divorce

Do I really have to go into this?? I hate wasting even one iota of effort writing about this mind numbingly idiotic twit. We already know that she is a useless waste of space whose only redeeming quality is a fine caboose & a great rack and that her entire family is just as maddeningly unnecessary to humanity as she is. After years of toying with poor Dolphins RB Reggie Bush and leading Cowboys receiver Miles Austin on for about 5 minutes she moved on in 2011 to another semi-famous, quasi-rich athlete, New Jersey Nets bench warmer Kris Humphries. Within 6 months they were engaged and by August had a multimillion dollar wedding that, if my information is correct, she & her family were paid handsomely for so it could be broadcast on television. Unfortunately wedded bliss wasn’t in the cards and 72 days later Ms. Kardashian filed for divorce. And sadly, the tabloids, the entertainment TV shows, and the empty headed masses ate it up. Here’s an idea…go read a book, play with your kids (in the family sense, not in the Penn St. way), and get right with God. Quit paying any attention to this slut.

 

PA Teacher Writes Scathing Blog

30 year old  Natalie Munroe, a Doylestown, Pennsylvania (about 30 miles north of Philly) English teacher was suspended back in February after some parents discovered her blog. The issue stemmed from Ms. Munroe’s blatantly honest comments about what she’d really like to write on her students’ report cards for their parents’ perusal…things like “I hear the trash company is hiring”, “I called out sick a couple of days just to avoid your son”, “rude, belligerent, argumentative fuck”, “Just as bad as his sibling. Don’t you know how to raise kids?”, “Shy isn’t cute in 11th grade; it’s annoying. Must learn to advocate for himself instead of having Mommy do it.”, and “Am concerned that your kid is going to come in one day and open fire on the school. (Wish I was kidding.)”. Now I’m not a teacher, and maybe her opinions aren’t necessarily socially acceptable, but I’d be willing to be she was spot on in her observations. Munroe eventually got her job back, and I assume she’s just keeping her opinions to herself nowadays, helping the system to mass produce worker drones willing to work for minimum wage to supplement their Welfare.

 

Angry Birds

Apparently it’s some sort of game. I’ve heard it’s rather addictive. I’ve never played it and most likely never will.

 

 

The Homeless Guy with the Golden Voice

Right after New Year’s a newspaper reporter recorded an interview with a homeless man wandering the mean streets of Columbus, OH. That man, 54 year old Ted Williams, just so happened to have a deep, booming voice made for radio, which was in fact his career of choice before drug & alcohol abuse and legal problems derailed his life in the late 1980’s. A video of that interview was posted on YouTube and went viral, making Williams an overnight sensation. He appeared on talk shows and received a plethora of job offers, most notably from MSNBC, Kraft Foods, and the Cleveland Cavaliers. Unfortunately the sudden fame caused Williams to fall off the wagon. Dr. Phil got involved and sent him to rehab, but he pulled a Lohan & left after less than 2 weeks. The job offers began to disappear. Fortunately though, Ted Williams eventually went back in to rehab and to my knowledge is now gainfully employed and off the streets. God speed to him in all his future endeavors.

 

The End of Harry Potter

After 7 books and 8 films the Harry Potter phenomenon came to a close in 2011 with the release of the final movie. The great thing about books & movies though is that we can continue to enjoy them for many years to come, and new generations have the opportunity to do the same if they so choose. All great things must come to an end, but what a ride it was.

 

Cancellation of All My Children & One Life to Live

When I was a young lad in elementary school my sister & I had a babysitter that got us hooked on soap operas…specifically Days of Our Lives & General Hospital. As I grew older I got interested in other soaps like Guiding Light, Another World, & As the World Turns. Then a few years back I added One Life to Live to the rotation. AW was cancelled in 1999. GL got the axe in 2009 and ATWT ended in 2010. In 2011 ABC announced that it was cancelling 2 out of its 3 soaps…All My Children & One Life to Live. I never really got into AMC, but I realize it was extremely popular, mainly due to star Susan Lucci. That show left the air on September 23, 2011, with OLTL scheduled to end on January 13, 2012. Millions of fans have expressed outrage, but it’s just a different world nowadays. Women, the original target audience for soaps, are in the workforce and not home during the day to watch TV. The Internet draws peoples’ attention away from television as well. And unfortunately suits & bean counters have discovered that producing talk shows is cheaper than soap operas. Ah well…atleast I still have DOOL & GH…for now.

 

And the Sammy goes to…..

Ted Williams. I must admit that this choice is slanted in favor of my own personal interests. I refuse to honor that horrible piece of garbage Kim Kardashian, and neither will I bestow an award on Hell’s favorite talk show hostess. Williams’ story both touched me and brought out my usual cynicism. Oh sure he must shoulder the blame for his own failures like drug & alcohol abuse and his various arrests. However, I’m all for second chances. I think we all knew that the overnight notoriety & media attention was likely to cause a backslide, which it did. But it seems as if, once the spotlight dimmed a bit, Mr. Williams started making the right decisions to get his life back on the right path. Hopefully the turnaround will continue and 2012 will hold good things for him & his family.

 

 

 

Unlike Charles Barkley, the titular “honoree” for which this award is named will not be presenting it, because there is no way on God’s green Earth your humble Potentate of Profundity would let that disgusting cow sully these proceedings. Instead, we go in the opposite direction by welcoming three of the world’s most beautiful women: Jessica Alba, Eva Longoria, & Mandy Moore. And the nominees are:

The Rosie O’Donnell Memorial Just Go Away Award

The Entire Kardashian Family

These people disgust me. I truly believe it has gotten to the point that they are an actively negative force in American culture. My heart weeps for the millions of teenage girls who watch this hogwash and are in any way influenced by these evil, repulsive harlots. Even poor Bruce Jenner…a former Olympic hero for God’s sake…has been sucked into the void and just mindlessly does whatever his control freak of a wife commands. It’s sickening and needs to be stopped.

Lindsay Lohan

Okay, so she finally got naked for Playboy. But she even managed to screw that up by not showing us anything we hadn’t already seen. I just cannot stand even the mere mention of her name at this point. Only in Hollywood would a crack whore still receive endless opportunities to make millions of dollars and remain famous. It’s sort of disheartening for the masses in flyover country who rarely get a second chance if they make even one tiny mistake.

 

Michael Moore

What a revolting slob!! And he’s a liberal wackjob to boot. I don’t think he actually did anything noteworthy this year except make an appearance at the stupid Occupy Wall Street protest, which is ironic since he is a multimillionaire himself. At any rate, occasionally he’ll ruin a perfectly good late night show by showing up, spewing his uninformed hate, and making me want to vomit.

 

Lady Gaga

Here’s the sad thing about this chic…she’s actually quite lovely and can really sing. But I guess one has to have a gimmick these days, do wacky stuff to grab attention, and sing songs filled with lewd & suggestive lyrics. Whatever happened to class??

 

Skip Bayless

I really dig my ESPN sports talk shows, but this pompous know-it-all has absolutely ruined First Take for me to the point where it’s not even watchable anymore. For some reason the powers-that-be retooled the show so that it pretty much revolves around Bayless arguing the stories du jour with a revolving cast of “opponents”. The folks in Bristol have totally beaten the formula to death, but atleast other shows like Mike & Mike, Around the Horn, & Pardon the Interruption pull it off in such a way that I am not immediately tempted to hurl an object at my TV screen. Not only is Bayless arrogant & self-absorbed, but he’s usually so wrong about his opinions that it’s laughable. And he is the absolute #1 offender in regard to shoving Tim Tebow down America’s throat. I would love to see the statistics, but I would bet anything that Bayless and his posse have talked about Tebow on every single show for the past 6 months. Give it a rest already!!

 

The “Ladies” of The View

Without a doubt one of the more torturous exercises in futility is watching these twits sit around a table and attempt to intelligently discuss the “hot topics” of the day. Whoopi, Joy, Barbara, & the short fat chic who is so superfluous that I don‘t even remember her name are clueless, spiteful, and arrogant. Honestly watching Full House reruns seems like Shakespeare in comparison. And as much as I dig token conservative Elisabeth Hasselbeck she is just so overmatched against the 4 other big mouthed morons that the poor gal hasn’t got a chance. I beg of ABC…PLEASE cancel this drivel, or atleast sell it to Oprah’s “network”…same difference.

 

Justin Beiber

I couldn’t name one of his songs if I had two guns pointed at my head, but every soccer mom and 12 year old girl in America seems to love him. I’m sick & tired of hearing his name and seeing him on my TV. Plus he needs a haircut.

 

Reality TV

The ironic thing about reality television is that there is hardly anything real about it. Anyone who watches The Bachelor/Bachelorette and thinks it is an accurate representation of dating & falling in love needs to just hurl themselves off the nearest tall building immediately. The same criticism can be made of craptastic stupidity like The Real Housewives, Jersey Shore, Wife Swap, Teen Mom, and just about every reality show on TV. I know these shows are cheaper to produce, which is why they have grown exponentially in the past decade, but I miss the days when some talented writers would get together with some talented actors and make a fictional show that allowed people to e-s-c-a-p-e reality and be entertained for 30-60 minutes.

 

And the Sammy goes to…..

You saw this coming didn’t you?? Yes, I’m sure you did. For the 2nd straight year we have a tie!! This year it is an 8 way tie. ALL of these wastes-of-space need to stop taking up valuable oxygen & other resources immediately. I can think of no better way to immediately improve this great nation.

 

 

 

To present our final award of the evening, please welcome the melodious & soothing voice of TV new personality Harry Smith. And the nominees are:

Biggest U.S. News Story

Shooting of Rep. Gabrielle Giffords

On January 8 an assassination attempt on 3 term Arizona Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords captured the attention of the entire nation. Giffords was speaking to constituents outside a Safeway grocery store when some nutjob opened fire, injuring more than a dozen people and killing 6, including a nine year old little girl. Predictably liberals in Washington DC seized the opportunity to begin furthering their gun control agenda, but that poppycock fell on deaf ears and the tragedy became bigger than politics. Giffords continues to recover, but still has some communication issues and has lost some of her eyesight.

 

Race for the Republican Nomination

Incumbent President Obama is, unsurprisingly, going to be unopposed for his own party’s nomination in 2012. However, the fight for the right to face Obama in the general election got in to full swing in 2011, with nearly a dozen Republicans battling it out as we head into primary season early next year. No single candidate has really taken control of the contest, with several of the contestants having their turn in the spotlight, and a few have already fallen by the wayside. Unfortunately I don’t think the conservative base will be all that enamored with whoever ends up with the nomination because none of them seem to really be what we were hoping for.

 

Unemployment

Nearly ¾ of the way thru President Obama’s first (and hopefully only) term the unemployment rate still hovers around 9%. In comparison unemployment under George W. Bush was below 8%, Reagan, Clinton, & Bush ‘41 just above 7%, and even Jimmy Carter…usually considered one of the 20th Centuries worst Presidents…only 7.5%. Obama can no longer realistically blame W. for the poor economy, and the American people know it.

 

End of the Space Shuttle Program

The three decades old space shuttle program came to a close with the final mission of Atlantis in July. Now if an American wants to go to space they have to catch a ride with the Russians. Somewhere JFK is rolling over in his grave (if he is really dead that is). I guess NASA has some new ideas in the hopper, which is fine. Until those plans materialize though the lack of an active space exploration program further diminishes the concept of American exceptionalism, which I’m sure puts a smile on the faces of the current occupants of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

 

Fast & Furious

A 2001 film starring Vin Diesel & Paul Walker. No…wait…that’s not it. Apparently this was some sort of gun running operation by the U.S. ATF. I don’t know. The movie never interested me so when this story was dubbed with that name I pretty much decided not to pay attention right from the very beginning.

 

NY Legalizes Gay Marriage

On July 24 New York passed legislation allowing same sex marriage. My Bible tells me that this behavior is vile, against nature, and an abomination. Your mileage may vary, and we will just have to agree to disagree.

 

Death of Steve Jobs

Nerds nationwide mourned the untimely passing of the founder of Apple Computers on October 5th (my birthday) due to pancreatic cancer. I am not all that technologically savvy, but I know enough to realize that Jobs belongs on the Mount Rushmore of the modern computer age.

 

Hurricane Irene

Near the end of August Irene made landfall on the Outer Banks of North Carolina. Its path of destruction, mostly from flooding, extended clear up into the New York/New Jersey area, causing 56 deaths and $7 billion in damage.

 

10th Anniversary of 9/11 Attacks

America marked the decade anniversary of the September 11, 2001 attacks with modest ceremonies in New York, DC, and Shanksville, PA, as well as the requisite reflective coverage on television. So much has been said & written about that horrible day 10 years ago that I cannot add anything new. Just know that, for the victims & their families, we will n-e-v-e-r forget.

 

Deadly Tornado Hits Joplin, MO

On May 22 the small town of Joplin, about 70 miles west of Springfield, was hit with an F5 tornado that killed 160 people, injured nearly 1000, and did nearly $3 billion in damage. It was the costliest tornado in the history of the United States.

 

Occupy Wall St. Movement

Class warfare has been an effective tool for liberals in this country for centuries. Some people hate anyone who has more than them. That hatred reached a new peak in the fall of 2011 when a group of protesters decided to stage a massive sit-in at a park near New York City’s Wall Street, the financial epicenter of the nation. To my knowledge the protests…which have spawned numerous similar demonstrations nationwide…continue to this day. This kind of crap is the direct result of media & pop culture romanticization of the 1960’s. Instead of trying to learn from the wealthy and duplicate their success there is a whole new generation of dirty hippies that just want to sit around whining, bitching, and moaning about “big business” while they ignore the real problem, which is “big government”.

 

End of the War in Iraq

The nearly decade long Iraq conflict that began on the heels of 9/11 and the War on Terrorism came to an official close on December 5, 2011. I happen to believe that at one time there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and that Saddam Hussein had some connection to Al Qaeda, the terrorist group responsible for the 9/11 attacks. However, I also would have preferred a much shorter American involvement. The objectives seemed unclear at times and the lack of an effective exit strategy was troubling. The Middle East will always be a hot spot for strife, and I do not believe any amount of military involvement or attempts to spread democracy will ever bring total peace.

 

Casey Anthony Trial

Caylee Anthony, the 2 year old daughter of Casey, went missing in the summer of 2008 and was found dead a few months later. This past summer the mother went on trial for killing her child. Casey appears to be a mentally unstable woman who got knocked up before she was ready and, as the theory goes, murdered her daughter so she’d have the freedom to go back to being a drunken party girl ho. Unfortunately for the millions who became emotionally invested in the trial like it was OJ Part 2, the prosecutors were inept and Anthony’s defense team used annoying little techniques like lack of evidence, burden of proof, and reasonable doubt to get her acquitted. Soccer Moms everywhere were so outraged that they…they…they put their porch lights on!! As if that was going to help anything.

 

 

And the Sammy goes to…..

 

The Republicans. I choose this story because, unlike other stories that have come & gone, this one has been a constant for most of the year and has been woven into the fabric of our daily lives. It is also significant because all the ups & downs, missteps, debates, and speechifying that has occurred over all these months will…eventually…lead to someone being nominated to run for President in 2012. That election may be one of the most important turning points in our nation’s history. 2011 has seen folks like Michele Bachmann, Herman Cain, Mitt Romey, Ron Paul, & Rick Perry become household names, even if each has had their weaknesses & foibles exposed for the entire world to pass judgment on. That’s American politics. It’s not perfect, but it’s still the best system in the world.

 

 

 

 

actresses Elizabeth Taylor, Jane Russell, Betty Garrett (Laverne & Shirley), Anne Francis (Forbidden Planet), Peggy Rea (The Dukes of Hazzard, Grace Under Fire)…former Secretary of State Warren Christopher…Apple Computers founder Steve Jobs…director Sidney Lumet (12 Angry Men, Dog Day Afternoon, Network)…George Ballas (inventor of the Weed Eater)…“Dr. Death” Jack Kevorkian…Frank Buckles (the last surviving WW1 veteran)…fitness guru Jack Lalanne…Indy 500 Champion Dan Wheldon…golf legend Seve Ballesteros…saxophonist Clarence Clemons…boxer Joe Frazier…former Pittsburgh Pirates manager Chuck Tanner…former Vice Presidential candidate Geraldine Ferraro…blues musician Pinetop Perkins…alleged singer Amy Winehouse…producers Sherwood Schwartz (The Brady Bunch, Gilligan’s Island) & Gil Cates (Academy Awards Show)…former First Lady Betty Ford…retired MLB pitcher Mike Flanagan…Jimmy Kimmel’s Uncle Frank Potenza…baseball broadcaster Ernie Johnson…former NY Governor Hugh Carey…Dolores Hope (widow of Bob Hope)…Big East Conference founder Dave Gavitt…singer Dobie Gray (Drift Away)…Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis…pollster George Gallup…cartoonist Bil Keane (The Family Circus)…journalists Andy Rooney & Christopher Hitchins…retired football players Orlando Brown, Bubba Smith, Mike Heimerdinger, Kent Hull, and Chester McGlockton…actors Michael Gough (Batman), Jeff Conaway (Taxi), Edward Hardwicke (The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes), Jackie Cooper (Our Gang, Superman), Peter Falk (Columbo), James Arness (Gunsmoke), GD Spradlin (The Godfather Part II, One on One, North Dallas Forty, Apocalypse Now), Roberts Blossom (Home Alone, Doc Hollywood), Cliff Robertson (PT109, Spider-Man), Charles Napier (The Blues Brothers), and Harry Morgan (M*A*S*H, The Glenn Miller Story)…wrestling legends Sir Oliver Humperdink & “Macho Man” Randy Savage…baseball Hall of Famers Duke Snider, Ron Santo, and Harmon Killebrew…retired NBA players Robert “Tractor” Traylor, Lorenzo Charles, and Walt Hazzard…NFL Hall of Famers Andy Robustelli, John Henry Johnson, John Mackey, and Lee Roy Selmon

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The Sammy Awards 2011 – Episode I: There Is No Hope

In producing the 2nd Annual Sammy Awards, I began to imagine the choices I would make if this were to become a televised awards show. I would want it to be taken a bit more seriously than MTV’s awards shows, but not be quite as demure as The Academy Awards. The telecast itself would certainly have a brisk pace, because anything over 2 hours loses the audience’s attention and reeks of self-important ostentatiousness. There would be no acceptance speeches because A) a few of these categories have far too many nominees to have in the audience, and B) there are some awards where the winner might not be especially proud of the victory. The host of the show would be actor Paul Giamatti. I believe him to be one of the more talented yet underrated actors in Hollywood, with just the right mix of gravitas, low-key sense of humor, and beleaguered animosity simmering just below the surface that I appreciate tremendously. We would be live on HBO, which would eliminate commercial interruptions, allow for abundant repeats, and create a sense of freedom that should minimize any kind of politically correct pomposity inherent in dealing with the broadcast networks. So without further ado, let us take an introspective look back at the year that was 2011 and reward the people & stories that made it another memorable ride.

To present our first award, The Manofesto is proud to introduce the cast of the classic 1985 teen dramedy The Breakfast Club: Anthony Michael Hall, Judd Nelson, Ally Sheedy, Emilio Estevez, & Molly Ringwald. And the nominees are:

Favorite Movie (That I’ve Seen)

Little Fockers

I loved the original, and the sequel benefited from the addition of Dustin Hoffman & Barbara Streisand to the cast. However, this third battle of wills between patriarch Robert Deniro and son-in-law Ben Stiller is lacking something. It feels like it was written & produced in a hurry and unfortunately not very well. It’s an example of going to the well one too many times and trying to extract one last drop out of something that is already empty.

Bad Teacher

I really thought this movie had potential, but outside of Cameron Diaz being smoking hot it has few redeeming qualities. Diaz stars as a teacher who absolutely hates her job, but is forced to keep it after her wealthy fiancée dumps her. It is never explained why such a shallow, mean spirited malcontent chose teaching as a profession in the first place, which is a question that can’t help but baffle any viewer with a working brain as we see this 30-something woman smoke pot at school, drink like a fish, and let her students watch movies while she sleeps. I am assuming it is supposed to be funny, but I did not find myself laughing. I kept looking for a reason to root for the character (who spends much of the movie scheming to raise enough money for an expensive boob job), but there just isn’t any. Justin Timberlake (who I’ve rapidly come to really like as an actor) is decent in a supporting role, and I really enjoyed newcomer Lucy Punch as Diaz’ goody-two-shoes rival teacher. The real crime is the underutilization of very talented actor Jason Segal (How I Met Your Mother, Forgetting Sarah Marshall), who is barely an afterthought.

No Strings Attached

This is the first of two nominees where the story revolves around two pals who decide to enter into a purely physical relationship without the messy complications of romance. Starring Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher, it’s not a bad little film, but it ain’t Shakespeare either. I was sort of surprised at the rather dramatic turn it took toward the end, and Portman has potential as a comedic actress although it clearly is not her comfort zone.

The Muppets

One might think that a 30-something year old man going to see a movie with The Muppets is kind of odd or maybe even a bit sad. I am sure all the soccer moms in the theater with their crumb crunchers might have thought it strange as well, but thank goodness I was clean shaven and not wearing a Penn St. hoodie. At any rate, there aren’t enough superlatives in the dictionary to describe what a wonderful experience this film is. Is it corny?? Sure, but that’s okay. For those of us that grew up in the 70’s & 80’s when Kermit, Miss Piggy, Fozzy Bear, and the rest of the gang were a ubiquitous part of pop culture it’s like being a kid again. And the angle that is taken…acknowledging that The Muppets are forgotten relics and that the world prefers edgier entertainment nowadays…is absolutely brilliant. There are wonderful cameos, smartly written in jokes about movies, and of course goofy song & dance numbers. Jason Segal (he who did not receive enough screen time in Bad Teacher) is awesome, which is a surprise because I never figured him as a musical kind of guy. Amy Adams is her usual perky self and perfectly cast.

The Hangover 2

It’s not that it’s not a funny movie…it is. The drug dealing monkey elicits some chuckles, and Zack Galifinakis is still hilarious. It’s just that the folks in charge got really really lazy…or were just afraid to take any chances…and so what we get is almost a replica of the first film, only set in Bankok instead of Vegas. The original was unique, but the sequel is just predictable and safe.

Friends With Benefits

Two decades ago the Billy Crystal/Meg Ryan classic rom-com When Harry Met Sally asked the question “Can men & women ever just be friends??”. In 2011 this was the second film to turn that question on its ear and ponder the implications of two friends having casual sex without dating or falling in love. I enjoyed this take on the situation a lot more than the aforementioned No Strings Attached, which I think can be owed to the winning charm of the two leads, Justin Timberlake & That 70’s Show’s Mila Kunis. Sure we can all see the ending coming a mile away, but it’s a fun trip.

Bridesmaids

I presume it is supposed to be The Hangover for ladies, but it falls short of the mark. SNL’s Kristin Wiig stars as a down-on-her-luck baker whose best friend is getting married. Wiig is the maid of honor and an eclectic group of ladies round out the wedding party. We see this group of women gather for several events that I guess women get into when planning the festivities. Hilarity ensues, atleast theoretically. There are some funny moments in the film, but it is a mixed bag. Wiig’s character is such a pathetic and, at times, unlikeable loser that it’s really difficult to become invested in her journey. Mike & Molly’s Melissa McCarthy steals the show as one of the bridesmaids and is the best thing about the movie.

Hall Pass

Two guys get a week long “vacation” from marriage from their frustrated wives. It’s a fresh twist on the relationship genre, and it sorta kinda works, doing so in a way one does not see coming. The two guys…Owen Wilson & SNL’s Jason Sudeikis…are okay, and the wives…Christina Applegate and The Office’s Jenna Fischer…are quite fetching. The funny twist is that the men, when given this tremendous opportunity that many middle aged dudes would kill for, totally whiff and realize just what complete losers they are, while the ladies are the ones who find out they still got it even if they are unsure they want to use it. This is a less funny, less cool version of Old School, but it isn’t a bad way to spend an evening. I could have done without that idiotic shrew Joy Behar besmirching the screen, but I got over it.

And the Sammy goes to…..

 

The Muppets. Honestly, toward the end when Kermit breaks out into Rainbow Connection I became so swelled with happiness & emotion that if I could have jumped out of my wheelchair and given a standing ovation I swear to God I would have (obviously that did not happen cause if it did you might have read about it in your local newspaper). I sincerely hope more Muppet movies are made and that a whole new generation grows to love them as much as their parents did. 2011 was kind of a down year for movies in my humble opinion, with the vast majority of films being crap that I had no interest in seeing and several of the ones I did see being somewhat disappointing, but The Muppets was a fine way to end the year.

There’s always time for a little comic relief, and to provide that please welcome America’s foremost conservative Christian comedian Brad Stine.

Regrettably Vice President Joe Biden had to decline our invitation to participate, but to present the next award we found a “man” who is certainly a clown and apparently knows a lot about ass. Please give a tepid welcome to soon-to-be former (thank God) U.S. Congressman Barney Frank. And the nominees are:

Assclown of the Year

Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen has had what most would call an above average acting career, starring in a handful of decent movies like Red Dawn, Platoon, Major League, & Wall Street, as well as two pretty good TV shows: Spin City & Two and a Half Men. But he’s also long had a reputation as a party animal, and that reached a crescendo in 2011. Sheen apparently lost his damn mind back in the first quarter of the year, becoming a media sensation after doing a few interviews and posting some YouTube videos in which he appeared to be batshit crazy. He told the masses that he was “tired of pretending like my life isn’t perfect” and said that he was indeed using a drug called Charlie Sheen. That drug, according to Sheen, is made of “tiger blood’ and “Adonis DNA”. Whether it was all an act or Charlie is genuinely nuts, eventually his behavior got him canned from his sitcom, after which he went on a nationwide tour doing a one man show called Violent Torpedo of Truth. You can’t make this stuff up.

Rep. Anthony Weiner

The ironically named & very married Weiner…a 46 year old, 7 term U.S. Congressman…not only made the absolutely idiotic mistake of putting a picture of his junk on Twitter, but he then gave a very weak denial in which he acted like he couldn’t recognize his own penis. He was only able to run from his own stupidity for about a month before being forced to resign. Where have you gone John Adams??

Terrelle Pryor

Back when Pryor was a highly recruited high school QB he was being courted by my WV Mountaineers. That all ended when then head coach Rich Fraudriguez bolted for Michigan, and I opined at the time that the Mountaineers had dodged a bullet. I was right. Pryor is very talented, but he is an egotistical prima donna who, to the surprise of no one who’d been paying attention, managed to do significant damage to the fabled Ohio State program. Sure there were other players who got suspended for trading memorabilia for tattoos (which is asinine), but the red hot spotlight shined down on Pryor, who should have shown better leadership qualities. Instead he seemed to scoff at the NCAA investigation, publicly driving a sports car that no uncompensated college football player could possibly afford. I’m not sure we will ever know how much money & other illegal benefits Pryor received as a Buckeye, and it’s a damn shame that his former coach Jim Tressel’s career is effectively over and the team will be suffering under NCAA sanctions for a few years, all while this ghetto thug is making quite the comfortable living in the NFL.

Harold Camping

It was the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine. On May 21, 2011 the California based (well there you go…that explains it) “Christian” radio broadcaster predicted that Jesus would return to begin The Rapture, which would then culminate in the end of the end on October 21st. Needless to say neither event occurred. This wasn’t Camping’s first rodeo, as he had also predicted The Apocalypse in 1988 & 1994. I guess if one keeps blindly throwing darts long enough eventually…maybe…you might hit something. Any genuine Christian…and even the ones who have successfully faked it long enough that all the fundraisers & public displays of phony religiosity make them SEEM authentic…knows that The Bible, in the book of Matthew, says that we “know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh”. But I guess Camping has shucked that pesky Bible stuff in favor of numerology. How’s that workin’ out for ya there Harry??

MLB Umpire Jerry Meals

My Pittsburgh Pirates, after nearly two decades of frustrating futility, finally seemed to be on the verge of a breakthrough in 2011. They were actually in first place after 100 games near the end of July. On July 26 the Pirates battled the Atlanta Braves into the wee hours of the next morning. After 19 innings of all even baseball home plate umpire Meals made what might be the single worst call in the history of baseball, declaring Braves runner Julio Lugo safe at home plate when he was clearly out by a country mile. The Pirates completely crumbled following the crushing loss, going 19-42 the remainder of the season and finishing in 4th place, 24 games out & 18 games below .500. Both Meals & MLB later acknowledged the colossal mistake, but a lot of good that did.

Kim Kardashian

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I consider marriage sacred. I realize I am in the minority nowadays since the divorce rate in America is somewhere around 50%, but I’m betting that the overwhelming majority of marriages still last a lot longer than 72 days, which is how long this mental giant’s union with NBA bench warmer Kris Humphries lasted before she decided she was bored. Kardashian was already worthy of a nomination simply by being herself…an obnoxious, out of touch, airheaded attention whore who is only famous because she made a sex tape. However, having her head stuck so far up her own ample posterior that she decided to give up on marriage less than 3 months in makes her even more worthy of consideration.

Questlove

First of all, what a stupid nickname. His actual name is Ahmir Khalib Thompson, which figures. He is the drummer for The Roots, a band so successful & popular that they had to resort to taking a gig as the house band on a late night TV show. Back in November this idiot had the band play a song called Lyin’ Ass Bitch (how classy) as Presidential candidate and U.S. Congresswoman Michele Bachmann made her way onto the stage of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. He even tweeted beforehand about what he was going to do. Now if a conservative entertainer would have perpetuated such a sophomoric gag on a liberal politician, the outcry would have been loud & forceful. But since Bachmann is a Republican Mr. Thompson faced no penalty and was only halfheartedly reprimanded by his network bosses. The situation, as well as Rep. Bachmann, was treated like one big joke.

Penn St. Fans

As late as Halloween no one would have ever predicted that legendary Nittany Lions football coach Joe Paterno would be fired before the end of the season. However, less than two weeks later he was ousted, buried under a mountain of criticism that he had not done enough after being told that former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky was molesting young boys in the locker room showers. Thousands of the school’s students (and I suspect a considerable number of adult non-students) took to the streets in protest, acting as if Paterno had been canned because he’d lost a bowl game or not won a conference championship. It was completely backassward (as my Grandma might have said) and a total failure to recognize the seriousness of the charges, not to mention utterly disrespectful to the alleged victims of the abuse. I am a passionate sports fan and can appreciate such fervor, but there are things that are far & away more significant than sports, a fact the folks in Happy Valley, PA don’t seem to grasp.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell

Commandant Fidel Goodell isn’t fooling me. He has consistently abused the power of his position by handing out arbitrary fines & suspensions. It’s all under the guise of “player safety”, which has caused Goodell to crack down on “helmet to helmet” and other bone crushing hits that not that long ago were highlight reel fodder. I realize that modern medical advancements and research have revealed alarming information about concussions & their long term effects. No one wants to see players suffer brain damage or any other calamity. But neither do fans want to see the game we love watered down & wussified to the point that it is unrecognizable. At best Goodell and his minions need to develop some structure & consistency in the rules and the way players are disciplined.

And the Sammy goes to…..

 

Charlie Sheen. Duh. Still WINNING!!

This seems like the appropriate place to take a break.

Please join us tomorrow for Part II of the 2011 Sammy Awards!!

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100 Favorite Movies…..#4

There are people who know me well who might be a little surprised by the selection that ranks #4 on The List. Rest assured, however, that there is a method to my madness.

 

You may…or may not…be pleased to know that today’s entry is the final Christmas film we’ll be covering. By my count there are fifteen holiday treats to be found amongst our lot of 100. I am including the Thanksgiving classic Planes, Trains, & Automobiles and the original Die Hard and Lethal Weapon flicks, which may be considered Christmas movies only in the Manoverse but afterall I do make the rules. At any rate, today’s subject is the cream of the crop, the top of the heap, the gold standard. It comes in fourth on the overall countdown because of its genre. You see, these Christmas classics that I love so very much have one limitation. I really only feel compelled to watch them within a two month time frame spanning from mid-November at the earliest to not long after the New Year. On rare occasions I get into a Christmas in July kind of mood and pop one of my faves into the ol’ DVD player on a random warm weather day, but not often. I feel like if I start viewing them any old time of year that it steals away some of the magic of the Christmas season, and I just cannot let that occur. But as the old expression says, absence makes the heart grow fonder. When the proper season does come around I never get tired of watching these fantastic works of art. I enjoy them over and over for weeks. As a matter of fact, the #4 movie on The List gained cultural significance and infiltrated the hearts & minds of millions…including me…mainly due to repeat viewings. Lots of them.

 

I will refrain from boring my dear readers with a bunch of legalese and film industry insider gibberish that I honestly don’t completely understand myself. Suffice to say that due to a lapsed copyright our topic du jour entered what is called public domain in the mid-1970’s, meaning no one entity owned the sole right to broadcast the film. Therefore pretty much everybody did. Television was a different animal back then. CBS, NBC, & ABC were the only three networks, and cable was very much in its infancy. Local stations had time to fill at various points of the day, especially on weekends and late at night after the local news. The Tonight Show was on NBC until 12:30am during the week, but as I recall that was pretty much it. Anyone who is older than me and can add their recollections to that particular era please do. Even into the 1980’s most stations did not have shows on past 1:30. 24 hour television began during the 80’s but didn’t really become the norm until the 1990’s. Anyway, local stations needed programming and though I do not recall what they did for most of the year back then (I was a wee small child in the late 1970’s) I can say how the situation was handled from Thanksgiving to the New Year – It’s A Wonderful Life was shown…ad nauseum.

 

iawl1I do not recall exactly when I first saw It’s A Wonderful Life, though I think it was some time in my mid-teen years. I am a night owl, so if it was a weekend or there was no school the next day it was not unusual for me to be up late. My recollection is that I had heard of IAWL (as us Lifers refer to it) and figured I’d check it out. Afterall, there was no Internet, no round-the-clock news, and even when it did actually air videos there was only so much MTV one could endure. I immediately loved the movie. Loved it. I connected with the story, related to the character of George Bailey, and really liked Jimmy Stewart. I became a big Stewart fan and have since seen many of his movies, but this one is still my very favorite.

 

jsFor those who are unfamiliar (although I cannot imagine that to be a very large group), It’s A Wonderful Life is a 1946 Frank Capra directed film based on a short story. That story, capraThe Greatest Gift, was written by author/editor/historian Phillip Van Doren Stern in 1943. Unfortunately for Stern he was unable to get the story published and decided to just send it to friends as a Christmas present. One of those presents fell into the right hands and the powers-that-be in Hollywood thought it’d make a great movie. If only such Hollywood suits made similarly good decisions nowadays. But I digress. Frank Capra had already made a name for himself by directing such films as It Happened One Night, Mr. Deeds Goes to Town, and Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (#63 on this list), but found himself at a sort of crossroads in 1946. He had spent several years doing PR films for the War Department of the U.S. Government and there was some question as to whether he still had “it”. Movie star Jimmy Stewart was in the same boat. He was an Academy Award winning actor (1940’s The Philadelphia Story) with a successful track record (You Can’t Take It With You, Destry Rides Again, The Shop Around the Corner, the aforementioned Mr. Smith Goes to Washington with Capra), but had been out of the loop since 1941 after deciding to enlist in the Army Air Corps and flying several combat missions during World War II. When The Greatest Gift came into Frank Capra’s possession he immediately thought Jimmy Stewart would make the perfect George Bailey, and thank God for that.

 

Our greatest gift, of course, is life. So it is not surprising that the primary idea of It’s A Wonderful Life centers around suicide. We meet George Bailey as a precocious yet loyal young boy who dreams of escaping his small town of Bedford Falls to go out into the world…to explore, to achieve, to taste success. We also meet Henry F. Potter, a cranky, wealthy, wheelchair-bound curmudgeon…”the richest and meanest man in the county”. Mr. Potter owns almost everything in Bedford Falls and nearly everyone is scared and intimidated by him, including George’s father Peter, who owns about the only remaining entity Potter does not…The Bailey Brothers Building & Loan. Peter Bailey is a kind soul who is a bit too soft-hearted and generous, which doesn’t sit well with Potter, who does occupy a spot on the board of directors of the building & loan. Eventually Mr. Potter drives Peter to his grave. Are you inspired yet?? Is your Christmas spirit glowing with mirth?? Probably not, but stay with me.

 

As George grows into adulthood several chances to leave Bedford Falls and achieve his dream come and go. His father dies just as he is about to leave for college (at the age of 22 because he had to stay home a few extra years to save the money), and the only way to save the family business is to stick around. George allows his younger brother Harry to go to college instead. Upon Harry’s graduation a few years later George is again supposed to escape but doesn’t because Harry has gotten hitched and his father-in-law has made a better offer. Eventually an already frustrated George marries girl-next-door Mary Hatch, who we know from earlier in the story has loved George since childhood. Time passes and George finds himself in the situation a lot of folks do…middle aged, married with children, in a job he hates, smothered by small town life and always wondering what else is out there beyond the confines of his prosaic existence. His Uncle Billy, a loveable drunkard who probably shouldn’t be trusted with any type of responsibilities but has helped run the business from the beginning, loses $8000, which one can assume in the 1940’s was a huge sum of money. The audience knows that the dough has inadvertently landed in the evil, grubby hands of Mr. Potter, but Uncle Billy doesn’t remember that and George has no idea. This causes George to become despondent and yes…suicidal. Fortunately for George Bailey God has sent him a guardian angel in the form of Clarence Oddbody AS2 (Angel 2nd Class), a kindly clockmaker who apparently isn’t too swift and hasn’t earned his wings up in Heaven yet. Clarence gives George the opportunity to see what life in Bedford Falls and the lives of various friends & family would be like if he’d never been born, and it is horrific. Uncle Billy went crazy and ended up in the looney bin. Harry drowned as a child. Bedford Falls has bars and dance halls. And Mary…well…she works at the library!! George decides he wants to live again and all’s well that ends well, especially when old pal Sam Wainwright (who invested in plastics and got rich) bails George out with a generous gift. No one ever remembers or realizes that Mr. Potter has the original $8k. This was lampooned in a fantastic Saturday Night Live skit that I encourage everyone to search for on YouTube or Hulu. Anyway, IAWL ends with the whole town gathered singing Auld Lang Syne and George realizing…yes, you guessed it…that he really does have a wonderful life.

 

iawl-clarenceNow that doesn’t sound like a heartwarming holiday film, and in fact Capra never really thought of it as such. Both he and Stewart loved the concept and afterward considered IAWL one of their favorite projects, but it was not considered by anyone at the time of production to be a Christmas movie. As a matter of fact, IAWL was (and still is to some degree) difficult to pigeonhole. If I am not mistaken theatrical trailers (remember, this was before TV) marketed it as what we would call a romantic comedy. That isn’t completely inaccurate, as there is a love story and some amusing moments, but the overall dark tone of the story isn’t exactly funny. I suppose in modern lingo IAWL would be thought of as a dramedy. One thing I have realized as I have gone through this writing process the past year+ is my affinity for such crossovers. I like my drama with a little humor, my comedy with some pathos, and my action injected with intelligence and realism.

 

There are undeniable parallels between IAWL and Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. Both feature an affluent, bitter old sourpuss. Both have a diligent, hardscrabble working man just trying to survive and support his family. Both feature spirits who take their charge on a journey through time so that they may realize the error of their ways. But whereas A Christmas Carol is about redemption…a worthy concept for sure…IAWL is about being happy with what you’ve got and seeing the glass as half full instead of half empty. And maybe that is atleast a more pragmatic goal for most of us.

 

iawl2The days of catching It’s A Wonderful Life dozens of times on a myriad of stations at all hours of the day & night throughout the Christmas season are long gone. Those endless repeated airings are saved for other holiday fare now. Beginning in 1995 NBC bought the exclusive rights to the film and now airs it only twice, usually sometime in early to mid-December and then again always on Christmas Eve. This is a double edged sword. For dyed-in-the-wool Lifers like myself who were used to seeing our favorite flick countless times every holiday season it has been an adjustment. But I also believe that in the eyes of many IAWL had worn out its welcome and had begun to be taken for granted and to some degree was the object of scorn & ridicule. The current scheduling makes each airing special, and for those of us who just have to see the movie more than twice there is always home video.

 

 

 

 

 


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100 Favorite Movies…..56-60

After a four month hiatus the time feels right to jump back into this series. Actually this little break was rather unintentional, or atleast I never meant for it to last this long…I just had other things I wanted to write about for awhile. There is still an eclectic mix of things in the pipeline, as I hope is always the case. Intellectual curiosity is a good thing. For now though, we’ll grab some popcorn (and chocolate covered peanuts) and head into the theater.

 

 


60 Hoosiers

It seems appropriate to be writing about Hoosiers on the cusp of NCAA basketball’s Final Four. I assure you the timing is purely coincidental though fitting. Hoosiers is a mid 80’s film set in the early 50’s, which right off the bat gives it a timeless quality. It stars Gene Hackman as a former college basketball coach who, it is eventually revealed, lost his job after hitting a student. Coach Norman Dale has been out of the game for over a decade when he is thrown a bone by an old friend, the principal of a small Indiana high school in need of a coach. Anyone who knows basketball knows that it is especially revered in Indiana, and that is reflected in the story. There’s the usual conflict between the coach and his players, who just don’t understand his methods. Throw in a budding romance between the coach and a fellow teacher (who can’t stand each other at first of course), a town drunk who also happens to be a basketball guru (played by Dennis Hopper in an Academy Award nominated performance), a gifted but troubled player who is reluctant to join the team, and townsfolk who are just a bit too passionate about their team (overcompensating for their empty and meaningless lives of course) and you’ve got yourself a nicely layered movie. Hoosiers has all the typical clichés that were originated in Rocky and have become staples in sports films like Rudy, Tin Cup, Remember the Titans, and Major League. Hackman and Hopper give nice performances and Hoosiers is a more than decent flick. It’s a bit predictable and the characters could be flushed out a bit more (it’s less than 2 hours long…another 20 minutes would have been peachy), but there’s no denying it has a place amongst the great sports movies. That place just may be a little lower in my opinion than many others’.

 

59 Vertigo

It should become apparent as one reads through these 100 movies that I am a Jimmy Stewart fan. By my count there are 6 of his movies on the list. It is ostensibly his Everyman quality…nice guy, small towner, “aw shucks” attitude that draws fans to Stewart, but the truth is much more complex. Jimmy’s talents had many facets, and in his career he played diverse roles…small town nice guy, hardscrabble cowboy, sophisticated man-about-town. Three directors guided Stewart through a large chunk of his 92 films – Frank Capra (3 films), Anthony Mann (8 films) Alfred Hitchcock (4 films). It is his work with Hitchcock that, in my opinion, is the most unique. Vertigo is much like that book that you were assigned to read in school and really resisted, but upon being forced to read it you rather enjoyed. I am not normally a huge fan of the suspense thriller genre, and years ago when I first made myself watch Vertigo (afterall, any self respecting Stewart fan just HAS to), I was fully prepared to not really like it all that much. However, much to my surprise I was sucked in by the singular story and the mesmerizing performances. The plot is far too intricate to describe here, but suffice to say it involves deception, dual identities, murder, obsession, and of course vertigo (i.e. paralyzing fear of heights). Jimmy strays about as far away from the “aw shucks” nice guy persona as he would ever get, but doesn’t cross too far into villainous territory. Vertigo demands repeat viewing so one can digest all of Hitchcock’s twisted goodness, but it is time well spent…although I do recommend following it up with a screwball comedy as a palate cleanser.

 

58 American Beauty

Speaking of screwball comedies…well, okay, maybe not so much. Any movie that climaxes with a person’s brains being spilled onto the kitchen floor probably can’t really be called a comedy. Actually this film is one of those that is rather difficult to categorize, but all things considered I must admit that American Beauty makes me laugh. Maybe it is the spot on accurate portrayal of the desperation and despair inherent in modern suburbia. Perhaps it is because it takes the average happy family myth and turns it on its ear. That’s a common theme nowadays. Numerous sitcoms portray families as dysfunctional trainwrecks of unhappiness. But that is a relatively new development in entertainment. Before American Beauty only two examples, both of them television shows…Roseanne and Dallas…stood out as having such a cynical approach to family life. I never particularly liked the Roseanne show, and Dallas was a soap opera. Kevin Spacey, who I enjoy in just about everything he is in, is brilliant in American Beauty as a man going through a mid-life crisis while dealing with a loveless marriage and a brooding & timid teenage daughter. As Lester Burnham, Spacey deals with his unhappiness like an NFL linebacker deals with a running back trying to bust up the middle for a big gain. Lester begins smoking pot with a voyeuristic teenage neighbor, starts working out in order to impress his daughter’s gorgeous cheerleader friend, and quits his suit and tie gig (blackmailing his young boss for a year’s salary on the way out) at an advertising firm in lieu of working the drive thru at a local burger joint. Meanwhile, Lester’s materialistic, oddly driven wife begins a torrid affair with a real estate rival and the daughter begins an eccentric romance/friendship with the pot smoking teenage neighbor. That kid has issues of his own, with a military man for as father and a quietly desperate mother who lets her husband run roughshod over the family. All the stories converge into a strangely violent climax. Kudos can certainly be given to Annette Bening as the wife, Carolyn, Wes Bentley as voyeuristic neighbor Ricky, and the always entertaining Chris Cooper as Colonel Fitts…but the engine that drives American Beauty is Spacey, who makes every movie he is in better than if he was not present.

 

57 This Is Spinal Tap

I am a big fan of “mockumentaries”, movies that present the story within the framework of a supposedly real documentary. The undisputed king of mockumentaries was made in 1984 by director Rob Reiner (fresh off his success as “Meathead” on All in the Family), and stars Michael McKean (Lenny from Laverne & Shirley), Christopher Guest, and Harry Shearer (known to 21st century audiences as the voice of Mr. Burns, Ned Flanders, Principal Skinner, and others on The Simpsons). Guest would go on to be a successful director of mockumentaries himself, as well as being the husband of 80’s scream queen and the still smokin’ hot Jamie Lee Curtis. This Is Spinal Tap follows a fictional British heavy metal band as they venture out on an American tour and includes flashbacks that tell the group’s backstory. Sharp eyed viewers will spot cameos or bit parts by now well known faces such as Paul Shaffer, Fred Willard, Fran Dresher, Dana Carvey, Anjelica Huston, and Billy Crystal, but it is the interaction of the three band members that makes the movie great. The band is…well…not that bright, which leads to hilarity. There are several iconic scenes that anyone who has ever seen the film will never forget…the amp that goes to 11, the spontaneous combustion and “unfortunate gardening accident “ (among other things) that continues to take the band’s revolving door of drummers, the Stonehenge set, the black album cover. And the songs – Spinal Tap produces songs with titles like Hell Hole, Sex Farm, Breakfast of Evil, and Swallow My Love. Basically This Is Spinal Tap takes everything we think we know about the awesomeness of the rock n’ roll lifestyle and throws it all out the window. You’ll never take rock music as seriously again, and that’s not a bad thing.

 

56 Batman

Sometime in late childhood I became fascinated with Batman. I am not sure when or why. I was never a comic book sort of kid, and the early 80’s were dominated by Superman, with the movie franchise starring Christopher Reeve. I suppose Batman’s backstory fascinates me, with him being just a normal guy who is psychologically scarred as a child after seeing his parents gunned down by street thugs. Batman is not from another planet and he has no superpowers. He is just a man who kicks ass and takes names. He does have a dual identity, and he does happen to be filthy rich, but I can forgive those indulgences. I really enjoy the old television show starring Adam West and Burt Ward. It only lasted for 2 seasons in the late 60’s (the almost identical timeframe as the original Star Trek series – who was in charge of TV shows in the 60’s and why did they keep cancelling great ones??) and was long gone before I was even born, but repeats were shown on some channel that I cannot recall when I was younger. Then in 1989, Tim Burton, who had achieved great success with Beetlejuice, decided to bring The Caped Crusader to the big screen. As I recall there was some trepidation with casting funnyman Michael Keaton in the titular role, but as it turns out he was perfect…much better than those who followed him – Val Kilmer and George Clooney. Of course the real star of this particular movie is Jack Nicholson as The Joker. I’ve never been a huge Nicholson fan…he’s more of a persona than a great actor…but he was the absolute best Joker. There are many that would say that the late Heath Ledger surpassed Nicholson’s achievement, but I feel like Ledger’s performance is too often looked at…subconsciously…through the prism of his untimely death. At any rate, all the stars aligned on this rendition of Batman on the big screen, and 20 years later it holds up quite nicely.

 

 

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