After a bit of a delay it is time to wrap up the show with a flourish. If you have not yet enjoyed Part 1 and Part 2 of the 2013 Sammy Awards please take time to do so and then come back for the big finish. We’ll be happy to wait while you catch up.

 

 

 

Our next presenters are thrilled to reunite more than 25 years after they made one of the best comedy films of the 20^th century. From the 1986 classic Ferris Bueller’s Day Off please welcome Matthew Broderick, Ben Stein, Alan Ruck, & Jennifer Grey.

And the nominees are:

 

 

Favorite Movie

Oz the Great & Powerful

Would someone dare risk remaking 1939’s Wizard of Oz?? Well…no…not yet (unless you count The Wiz, a 1978 blaxpoitation redux starring Michael Jackson & Diana Ross). But they did make a prequel. You see, L. Frank Baum actually wrote over a dozen books about the Land of Oz between 1900 & 1920, so there is a wealth of material for anyone enterprising enough to craft a decent film. Does this one qualify as decent?? Yes, I think it does even though it isn’t based on any of Baum’s books. The story shows how shyster Oscar Diggs…the future Wizard…ends up in Oz and introduces us to younger versions of Glinda the Good Witch and the dastardly Wicked Witch of the West…familiar characters to fans of the classic film. The casting is a bit questionable (I would have preferred Johnny Depp over James Franco as Oscar), but the transformation of kindhearted Theodora into the Wicked Witch is well done and worth the price of admission.

 

Last Vegas

Much like The Big Wedding this film unites four Academy Award winning heavy hitters: Michael Douglas, Morgan Freeman, Robert DeNiro (again), & Kevin Kline. Unlike The Big Wedding this film did not make me want to hurl sharp objects at the screen. In a nutshell four old pals (emphasis on old) reunite in Vegas for one of the group’s bachelor party, like a crossbreeding of Cocoon & The Hangover. Is it a great movie?? No. I could have done without a couple of the subplots and would have preferred to see A LOT more of Las Vegas. In my opinion if you are going to have one of the most fascinating cities in the world as a backdrop then why not make copious use of it?? Having said that though, this is a pleasant story with actors talented enough to lend gravitas to even the thinnest material. I can envision an entire franchise with this concept, at one point or another starring a virtual who’s who of old geezers: Nicholson, Eastwood, Redford, Shatner, Pacino, Caine, Gere, Cosby, Hoffman, Caan, Connery, Beatty, Harrison Ford, Hackman, Duval, James Earl Jones.

 

The Internship

Back in 2005 Owen Wilson & Vince Vaughn co-starred in the memorably hilarious Wedding Crashers, so the idea of them teaming up again seemed like a good idea. And while The Internship doesn’t quite measure up to the duo’s previous effort it is a perfectly acceptable comedy. Vaughn & Wilson have mellowed a bit and share the stage with a group of young unknowns, so I can understand why some may be disappointed by the outcome, but I also think comparing this film to Wedding Crashers is somewhat unfair. This is a pleasant enough way to spend a couple of hours and I have no complaints. Watch out for newcomer Tiya Sircar. She lights up the screen and has the potential to become a big star.

 

42

I came along a few decades after Jackie Robinson changed organized sports forever by becoming the first black player in Major League Baseball, but I am enough of a student of the game and appreciate its rich history & tradition tremendously so I am fully aware of his cultural impact. This movie tells the story and gives us a glimpse of some of the behind-the scenes hardships that Robinson endured. The only big name in the film is Harrison Ford who does a solid job portraying Brooklyn Dodgers GM Branch Rickey. Otherwise the cast are all unknowns, which I think works well for this particular movie. It’s an above average film even if it is somewhat forgettable.

 

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

One would assume that the combined comedic talents of Steve Carell and Jim Carrey would be excellent ingredients for a funny movie, but this tale of an aging Las Vegas act in the vein of Siegfried & Roy trying to compete against a fresher magician in the mold of Criss Angel is just kind of…okay. There is solid support from the likes of Alan Arkin, Steve Buscemi, Olivia Wilde, & the late James Gandolfini (his final role…I think). A little bit of Carrey goes a long way, so I think these kinds of smaller “second banana” roles are perfect for him.

 

Free Birds

Animated films have really enjoyed quite the renaissance in the past couple of decades, thanks in large part to Toy Story and other Pixar productions. Free Birds doesn’t measure up to the best of the genre but it is nevertheless an amusing little story about turkeys who travel back in time to stop they & their brethren from becoming the main course for America’s favorite November holiday. Starring the voice talents of Owen Wilson, Amy Poehler, & Woody Harrelson, I don’t think it’ll become a Thanksgiving tradition on par with football, Planes, Trains, & Automobiles, or the Macy’s Parade, but I rather enjoyed it.

 

Grown-Ups 2

It’s the sequel that absolutely no one was clamoring for. Adam Sandler used to make funny movies (Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison, The Waterboy, The Wedding Singer), but he’s been on a bad roll for the past decade or so. In 2010 Sandler teamed up with Chris Rock, David Spade, Kevin James, Salma Hayek, and a few others to make Grown-Ups, about a group of buddies reuniting in their home town to celebrate the life of a former basketball coach. I revisited Grown-Ups on TV a few weeks before the sequel hit theaters and it was slightly more amusing than I remembered so I headed to the local cineplex on the Friday this flick was released. It’s not a bad movie and is spottily entertaining, although I could do without so many jokes about bodily fluids. The film benefits from the unexplained absence of Rob Schneider from the first one, but Rock’s comedic talents are squandered and I’ve never found Spade particularly humorous. The story is unfocused and ultimately pointless, but hey…it’s a freakin’ Adam Sandler movie so no one expects much, especially lately. This one doesn’t measure up to Sandler’s best stuff from the mid to late 90’s, but it’s a definitive upgrade from the crap (Jack & Jill, That’s My Boy) that he’s done in the past few years.

 

The Heat

I have become a bit of a hermit in my older years, so usually when I go to the theater it’s a weekday matinee. I’ve always kind of liked having an entire movie theater almost totally to myself. However, I made a rare appearance during prime time on a weekend to see this flick starring Sandra Bullock & Melissa McCarthy. The place was packed and everyone seemed to really enjoy the film. There was a copious amount of raucous laughter. It’s a typical buddy cop film in the grand tradition of Lethal Weapon, 48 Hours, and Rush Hour and therefore isn’t necessarily distinctive, but there’s a reason why Hollywood keeps going back to this particular well…it works. McCarthy is best utilized as a sidekick who can steal the show, while Bullock is a great “straight man”, so kudos for the perfect casting. The Heat is a bit too violent for my taste and the vulgar language is excessive, but those are the only two nits I can pick. There will almost certainly be a sequel, and when it arrives I’ll be sure to be there with my popcorn & chocolate covered peanuts.

 

The Hangover Part III

I have to give credit to the powers-that-be behind The Hangover. They took a relatively limited concept and somehow managed to squeeze a trilogy out of the idea. I also must say that unlike the somewhat amusing but way too safe Part 2 the filmmakers actually put some effort into this third installment. It’s a decent enough way to spend a couple of hours (actually less…which is part of the problem), but comes nowhere close to matching the original. These characters are…for the most part…ones that we really like, which means that there is already some capital built up with the audience. That capital is heavily drawn upon here and makes the whole deal acceptably entertaining, but the funny parts aren’t funny enough and there’s a little bit too much action/adventure and violence for a comedy. I have no doubt that…despite this entry being trumpeted as the end…we will see a fourth Hangover 5-10 years down the road and when that happens hopefully the combination of lowered expectations and absence making the heart grow fonder will dictate a more comical coda for this unique series.

 

Star Trek: Into Darkness

Some people loved it, some hated it. There are hardcore Trekkies who view this film as a subpar rehash of 1982’s renowned Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan, widely regarded as the best of all the Trek films. There are some who have decided that they hate director JJ Abrams and have zeroed in on his love of something called “lens flare”. Those folks are entitled to their opinion, but I happen to disagree. When Abrams rebooted Trek in 2009 he & the writers utilized an exceptional alternative timeline concept that allows for the idea that everything that happened to the original crew as portrayed by the actors we all knew & loved for decades (Shatner, Nimoy, DeForest Kelley, et al) still actually happened and this is just a different chronology. In my opinion this permits two things. It obviously gives the writers the freedom to create new stories. However, I also believe it allows old stories to be retold in a new way. I see Into Darkness as an homage to Wrath of Khan and enjoyed all the nods to Trek history. The “new” cast of the Enterprise is about as good as a Trekkie could have ever hoped for. I’m not sure if this particular  brand of Trek will end after completion of a trilogy, although my hope is that even with Abrams moving on (he has been tapped to revive the Star Wars franchise) someone else will take up the mantle and we will get to enjoy the adventures of this crew for decades to come.

 

Delivery Man

Vince Vaughn is back, this time in a remake of a 2011 French language film. Vaughn plays the kind of lovable ne’er-do-well that has kind of become his trademark. In this one he is a middle aged slacker named David who lollygags thru his day delivering meat for his family owned butcher shop, owes big money to the kind of guy one doesn’t want to owe money to, and has a cop girlfriend who has just about run out of patience with his antics. In his younger years David made some nice change donating copious amounts of his apparently high quality seed to a sperm bank and now finds out that he has sired over 500 children, a third of whom have now decided to get all litigious in an effort to find out the identity of their “father”. David doesn’t want to reveal himself but instead decides to get to know his “children” clandestinely. Vaughn is apparently into making sentimentally amiable movies now, with little of the edge of his earlier work. That’s cool…I can dig it. Delivery Man wasn’t what I was expecting and certainly isn’t the type of notable film that we’ll all fondly recall a decade from now, but it has a level of charmingly benign appeal that didn’t make me feel like I wasted my time & money.

 

We’re the Millers

The track record of Saturday Night Live alumni in feature films is hit & miss at best. Eddie Murphy, Chevy Chase, Billy Crystal, Will Ferrell, Bill Murray, & Adam Sandler have all done pretty well for themselves. Conversely, Dana Carvey, Chris Kattan, Norm Macdonald, Tim Meadows, Kevin Nealon, & David Spade have all crashed & burned at the box office to a large degree. So, what about Jason Sudeikis?? Well, he’s only been away from the SNL nest for less than a year and has been a feature player in just a few movies so the jury is still out but this one…about a small time pot dealer who pieces together a fake family to assist him in smuggling a big load of weed from Mexico into the USA…is the best of the lot so far. Jennifer Aniston is still as smokin’ now at age 44 as she was two decades ago when Friends first became Must See TV. Ed Helms is dependably amusing as an odd drug lord. Emma Roberts (daughter of Eric, niece of Julia) has grown into a lovely young woman and competent actress. Newcomer Will Poulter is quite funny as the goofball neighbor/fake son. Once again I’m not sure there’s anything all that memorable here, but it’s a pleasant enough diversion that provides a few chuckles.

 

The Great Gatsby

F. Scott Fitzgerald’s classic 1925 novel has only been adapted into a movie a half dozen times. In comparison Mark Twain’s famous 19^th century tale The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn has been translated into about two dozen films. There is a reason for the disparity. Fitzgerald’s story of self-indulgence & duplicity is difficult to tell on the big screen. I think that’s because the allure of the book is the author’s well written prose. The characters themselves aren’t all that exceptional, and the plot is really just another love triangle (or two). I have no issue with Leonardo DiCaprio’s portrayal of Gatsby. In fact I can’t offer any ideas as to who could’ve done it better. The rest of the cast is more subpar that I would have preferred, but that isn’t a big deal. The nit I would pick is with the choices of director Baz Luhrmann, best known for the atrocious 1996 adaptation of Romeo & Juliet that featured more gun violence than a military coup, and 2001’s Moulin Rouge which I have never seen. The anachronistic rap music is weird and the CGI mildly disturbing. I would have loved to have seen this script and this cast directed by someone more interested in telling a story than creating a visual spectacle. Still though, overall this is a decent flick and I will probably watch it again at some point down the line.

 

 

And the Sammy goes to…..

 

 

Star Trek: Into Darkness. First let me make a couple of statements. I think 2013 was a relatively weak year at the box office. There just weren’t any films that blew me away, and several that disappointed me to some degree. Secondly, there are atleast 3 or 4 movies in theaters right now that I wanted to see but just didn’t find the time. I’ll see them all eventually but obviously it’ll be too late for them to qualify for a Sammy Award. As for Into Darkness, I enjoy having Trek back in the cineplex and didn’t mind the homage to Wrath of Khan in the least. JJ Abrams is a capable director who will hopefully do good things for the Star Wars revival. I haven’t seen any indication as to who might helm the next Trek movie but with a terrific cast, a loyal audience, and an entire galaxy of story ideas whomever takes the gig will be in an enviable position.

 

To present our final award of the night it is a profound honor for The Manofesto to welcome retired NFL player & coach and current analyst for NBC’s Sunday Night Football Tony Dungy and the founder & CEO of one of the world’s great websites Amazon.com Jeff Bezos. And the nominees are:

 

 

 

Biggest News Story

 

The Sequester

Or as it is official known the budget sequestration of 2013. They were automatic budget cuts of more than $85 billion that went into effect in March (after some wheelin’ & dealin’ got them delayed from January). Economics was never really my thing. The only thing I know is that I’m still paying over $3/gallon for gasoline as compared to about half that before President Obama took office. That is my economic reality.

 

IRS Scandal

The IRS has always been an evil entity within the malevolent force that is the federal government and in 2013 that became crystal clear. It came to light that under the Obama Administration the IRS had been targeting certain groups based on their beliefs. In other words conservative organizations were being harassed by the feds. That Obama…he’s a real class act.

 

Boston Marathon Bombings

On April 15, 2013, just as the 117^th Boston marathon was concluding, two bombs later found to have been crafted out of pressure cookers exploded near the finish line. Three people were killed and 264 others were injured…many of them quite seriously. The bombers were two Muslim brothers from the Russian region Chechnya. A massive manhunt throughout Boston eventually concluded with one of the bombers killed by police and the other one in jail. Well…the hospital and then jail. Apparently the two had plans to move on to New York City and bomb Times Square. Thank God that didn’t happen. Yeah…Islam is a peaceful religion. And monkeys are going to fly out of my butt, pay my rent, and solve all the world’s problems.

 

Benghazi

If memory serves me correctly this story was nominated last year as well. However, since the attack on the U.S. embassy in Libya occurred in September 2012 the story naturally carried over into 2013. The leftist drive-by media has continued their unwavering effort to minimize the whole thing, while legitimate pundits and news agencies have continued to ask questions. Congress is supposedly investigating but I have no faith that they’ll get the job done right. The scary thing is that the incompetent twit at the center of the controversy (one of them anyway)…former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton…will likely be a strong presidential contender in 2016.

 

3D Printer Creates An Ear

Last February scientists at Cornell University re-created a human ear using a 3D printer and some living cells. Well…isn’t that creepy.

 

George Zimmerman Trial

Zimmerman is the neighborhood watch volunteer that was arrested after shooting & killing teen Trayvon Martin just outside Orlando, FL in the spring of 2012. Martin’s trial commenced in the early days of last summer and the jury’s decision was announced on July 13, 2013. Zimmerman was found not guilty of both 2^nd degree murder and manslaughter, the jury having seemed to have accepted Zimmerman’s claim that he shot the young man in self-defense. The whole case had taken on a racial tone early on and the aftermath of the not guilty verdict was no different. The usual suspects, like ”Reverends” Al Sharpton & Jesse Jackson, tried to fan the flames of ethnic & cultural discord, but I don’t think anyone outside of a handful of vacuous celebrities and of course the hardcore leftist media really bought into that poppycock. Musician Stevie Wonder said that he would never perform in Florida again, but since I don’t live in Florida and Stevie is a 60 year old blind man I’ll give him a pass. My Cherie Amour and Overjoyed are two of my favorite songs. One of the Wayans brothers (there are so many of them) went on a hilariously stupid Twitter rant, but I think he was just bored since the entire Wayans family hasn’t had a job for a decade or more. Ironically it has been Zimmerman himself who has cast the most doubt as to whether the verdict may have been wrong because…well…he just doesn’t seem to be very smart. In the 6 months since the verdict Zimmerman has had several run-ins with law enforcement, mostly due to domestic altercations with his wife and girlfriend. Yes apparently he has both.

 

A New Pope

Last February Pope Benedict XVI announced his retirement after just 8 years, making him the first pope in nearly 600 years to resign. A month later Pope Francis ascended to the throne…or whatever it is that popes do. I’m not Catholic so who the pope is and what he does holds very little interest in The Manoverse. However, having said that, it does seem that…from various things I’ve read and heard…Pope Francis leans a little to the left on some socioeconomic issues. But like I said I really don’t care. Your mileage may vary.

 

Obamacare

Oh where to begin?? The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act was signed into law by President Obama in 2010 and upheld by The Supreme Court in 2012, but it didn’t start being phased into reality until 2013…and it is exactly the disaster that the 49% of us who didn’t vote for President Obama knew it would be. The powers-that-be can’t even design a website that works so people can sign up for Obamacare, so how exactly do they plan to execute the plan itself?? Folks were sold a bill of goods, thinking that government health care was going to be low cost or even free, but the truth is that most people are going to be paying much much more for a lower standard of care. Obamacare is the exact opposite of freedom. It will allow the federal government to, in essence, decide whether you live or die, and the very people who have pushed this fraud on the unsuspecting populace have cleverly made themselves exempt from the rules they expect the rest of us to follow. The optimistic part of me would like to think that Obamacare will eventually be repealed and slip quietly into the annals of history as one of the biggest hoaxes ever perpetrated on American voters, but I have a feeling we have a long hard road ahead of us before that happens.

 

Oklahoma Tornado

On May 20, 2013 Moore, OK…between Norman and Oklahoma City…was struck by an F5 tornado with winds of 210mph. Two dozen people were killed and nearly 400 others injured. The tornado was on the ground for nearly 40 minutes and caused $2 billion in damages.

 

Egyptian Military Coup

There was another coup in the Middle East?? What a shocker. I assume that most Americans (including me) have more detailed knowledge of the NFL playoffs or the latest Sandra Bullock movie that the ongoing strife in the Middle East. Does that make us bad people??

 

Russian Meteor

Imagine it’s a lovely yet frigid February day. You’re driving home from your job at the vodka factory and in your peripheral vision you see something streaking across the sky. Immediately you have flashbacks from every disaster flick you’ve ever seen. Aerosmith’s 1998 smash hit I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing starts ringing in your head as you tearfully put your hand up to the glass and begin to miss your father. You wish that Morgan Freeman really was the president and could soothe your fear by telling you that “Cities fall, but they are rebuilt. Heroes die, but they are remembered. The water receded, so now let us begin.” Then you snap out of your daydream and realize “Holy crap…this is real.” Folks in Chelyabinsk, Russia experienced this reality. Fortunately the meteor was harmless even though 1500 people did receive minor injuries.

 

Government Shutdown

For the first half of October 2013 the federal government was shutdown. I don’t mean to minimize everything that that entails, but let’s be honest. Did most of us even notice?? This kind of thing happens every few years. The President and Congress play a game of chicken, the media acts like the world is ending, and us regular folks get up & go to work and keep doing what we have to do to keep a roof over our head and put food on the table. At zero hour some sort of compromise is reached, both sides claim credit, and we continue to go to work, pay the bills, and bring home the bacon. Rinse & repeat.

 

PRISM & Edward Snowden

20 or 30 years ago this would have been a huge story, but in 21^st century New America the masses have become so jaded that virtually nothing is all that surprising anymore. Snowden was a computer geek for the CIA and National Security Agency. Last spring he leaked a plethora of classified documents to news agencies around the world. These documents detailed various mass surveillance projects run by the NSA, including PRISM, a data mining operation that basically means the feds are watching a lot of what you & I are doing online. They could be perusing this awards show right now (c-r-e-e-p-y). Anyway, Snowden fled the country and is currently holed up somewhere in Russia. Much like Paulie in The Godfather, I suspect that we ain’t gonna see him around here no more. Some consider him a traitor, some think he is a patriot. I am undecided on whether Edward Snowden is a hero or a villain, but I know that I am certainly uncomfortable knowing that the modern U.S. government’s idea of freedom seems to differ substantially from what The Founding Fathers had in mind.

 

 

 

And the Sammy goes to…..

 

 

Obamacare, Boston Marathon Bombings, & The Zimmerman Trial. Have we ever had a three way tie at The Sammy Awards?? I don’t recall and I’m too lazy to check The Vault. At any rate, I can’t really add anything more than what I’ve already said about these stories. When the history books look at 2013 I believe these are the three topics that will stand out as the most significant. Hopefully we will never have to live thru the horror of anything even remotely close to the Boston Marathon Bombings ever again, but that is probably a combination of wishful thinking and naiveté. I think Obamacare will continue to be a dominant story in 2014 and I just wish that the truths that so many are learning now would have been exposed on a wider scale before the 2012 election. I have a sneaking suspicion that, despite the gift of freedom that George Zimmerman was given, he will screw it up and ultimately land in jail anyway.

*****************************************************************

 

film critic Roger Ebert…former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher…legendary sports broadcasters Pat Summerall & Ken Venturi…comedian Jonathan Winters…pro wrestling personality William Moody (aka Paul Bearer, aka Percival Pringle III)…authors Vince Flynn, Elmore Leonard, Tom Clancy, & Richard Ben Cramer…famed psychologist Dr. Joyce Brothers…actors Peter O’Toole (Lawrence of Arabia), Lou Myers (A Different World), Conrad Bain (Diff’rent Strokes), James Gandolfini (The Sopranos), Allan Arbus (M*A*S*H), Richard Griffiths (Harry Potter), Milo O’Shea (The Dream Team, Opportunity Knocks), Cory Monteith (Glee), Joe Conley (The Waltons), Paul Walker (The Fast and the Furious), James Avery (The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air), Henry Polic II (Webster), & Dennis Farina (Law & Order, Midnight Run, Crime Story)…”journalist” Helen Thomas…LA Lakers owner Dr. Jerry Buss…former NY City mayor Ed Koch…retired PGA golfer Miller Barber…singers George Jones, Patty Andrews (The Andrews Sisters), Bobby Bland, Mindy McCready, Patti Page, Lou Reed, Richie Havens, Eydie Gormé, Ray Price, & Slim Whitman…former U.S. Surgeon General C. Everett Koop…Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams…legendary British writer & TV host David Frost…former NBC News anchor John Palmer…retired pro football coaches Jack Pardee, Bum Phillips, & Chuck Fairbanks…actresses Jeanne Cooper (The Young & the Restless), Bonnie Franklin (One Day at a Time), Esther Williams (Ziegfeld Follies), Annette Funicello (Mickey Mouse Club), Jean Stapleton (All in the Family), Joan Fontaine (Rebecca, Suspicion), & Marcia Wallace (The Bob Newhart Show)…political activist Nelson Mandela…musicians Ray Manzarek (The Doors), Van Cliburn, & Ed Shaughnessy (The Tonight Show’s NBC Orchestra)…end of the world enthusiast Harold Camping…retired college football coach Don James…director Hal Needham (Smokey & the Bandit, Cannonball Run)…baseball Hall of Famers Stan Musial & Earl Weaver…Christian author Brennan Manning…former NBA scouting guru Marty Blake…music producer Phil Ramone…retired boxers Carl “The Truth” Williams, Tommy Morrison, & Ken Norton Sr.…talk radio pioneer Bob Grant…pro wrestlers Reid Flair (son of “Nature Boy” Ric Flair), Mark Starr, Jackie Fargo, Matt Borne, Cousin Luke, & Hector Garza…U.S. Senator (New Jersey) Frank Lautenberg…rapper Chris Kelly (Kriss Kross)…NFL referee Jerry Seeman…TBN founder Paul Crouch…retired NASCAR driver Dick Trickle…former NFL stars LC Greenwood, Chuck Muncie, Deacon Jones, Dave Jennings, Art Donovan, Thomas Howard, Rev. Ken “The Hutch” Hutcherson, & Jack Butler…Jeanne Phillips (the original Dear Abby)… writer & producer Gary David Goldberg (Family Ties)…NBA Hall of Famer Walt Bellamy…retired astronaut Scott Carpenter…former Speaker of the House Tom Foley…surround sound innovator Ray Dolby

Welcome to Part 2 of the 2013 Sammy Awards. Please take a moment to check out Part 1 if you have not already done so.

 

 

To present our next award The Manofesto is excited to welcome two people who are quite familiar with the concept of bad movies. He starred in 2008’s The Love Guru, which won the Golden Raspberry Award for Worst Picture. She won the Golden Raspberry for Worst Actress in 2001 for her stunningly bad performance in Glitter. Please give an appropriately tepid round of applause to Mike Myers and Mariah Carey. And the nominees are:

 

 

Worst Movie

 

 

The Big Wedding

There are four…FOUR…Oscar winners in this film: Robert DeNiro, Diane Keaton, Susan Sarandon, & Robin Williams. With talent like that how can one possibly make such a dreadfully appalling movie?? I am especially disappointed in DeNiro. This is the man who has been in a plethora of classic films…The Godfather Part II, Raging Bull, Midnight Run, Taxi Driver, Goodfellas, The Deer Hunter, as well as many others that are very good (Awakenings, Backdraft, A Bronx Tale, Casino, Analyze This and its sequel Analyze That). I even enjoy his comedic work in the Meet the Parents trilogy. He is widely considered to be one of America’s greatest actors. However, in the past decade he has also starred in craptastic piles of mediocrity like Rocky & Bullwinkle and New Year’s Eve. How does a superior talent like Robert Freakin’ DeNiro look at a classless script like this that features clear hatred of God, rampant deceit, multiple extramarital affairs, unsubtle racism, & general trashing of traditional family values and agree to sign on the dotted line?? It’s mind boggling.

 

Identity Thief

I wanted to like it and can’t say that I completely hate it, but the powers-that-be missed the boat on this one. Jason Bateman & Melissa McCarthy are both excellent supporting actors, but neither can carry a film…on their own or together. Also, there is really nothing funny about a serious issue like identity theft. And I’m kind of tired of bawdy comedies that go all mushy in the final act. There is just nothing memorable or noteworthy here.

 

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues

If you would have told me a year ago that the sequel to 2004’s Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy would be nominated for a Sammy I would not have been the least bit surprised. However, if you would have told me that it was going to end up in this category I would have been completely shocked. I loved the original Anchorman. It is one of the quirkiest & most quotable comedies of the past couple of decades. As beloved as the original became I was stunned that it took a decade to make a sequel, but I assumed this would be a good thing. Follow-ups that are rushed into production within a year or two (unless it’s a planned trilogy/series like Star Wars) are rarely good so I was glad that the powers-that-be took the time to make sure this one would be awesome. Unfortunately they misfired. Is it an awful movie?? Not really. The story tries to poke fun at how the 24 hour news stations have led to media overload and saddled us with frivolous infotainment in place of legitimate news, but it doesn’t even hit the mark on that front. I think I am more disappointed than anything. I had high expectations for this film and it just didn’t come close to meeting them. I chuckled a few times but never really laughed. Anchorman 2 just isn’t all that memorable. It is possible that it’s the kind of movie that gets better with repeated viewings and maybe I’ll find it funnier in a few years than I do right now, but as of this moment I can only think of it as a huge letdown.

 

 

And The Sammy goes to…..

 

 

The Big Wedding. I felt cheated after seeing this film. The cast is terrific. DeNiro, Williams, Keaton, Sarandon…all bona fide stars…maybe even legends. But The Big Wedding proves that even the best actors in the world can’t overcome a flawed premise and atrocious writing. I have to assume that everyone involved signed on simply for an opportunity to work with each other, and maybe there was even a collective arrogance that together they could put some lipstick on this particular pig. What I cannot fathom is why anyone who actually read the script thought it was a good idea.

 

 

Please welcome to the stage…for an entertaining if not a wee bit strange musical medley starring “Bob Dylan”,”David Bowie”, “Eddie Vedder”, “Neil Young”, & “Barry F’N Gibb!!” …the current host of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and as of February 17, 2014 the new host of The Tonight Show, Jimmy Fallon.

 

 

To present our next award The Sammys are proud to bring to the stage the 252^nd most followed celebrity on Twitter, actor, comedian, & banjo player extraordinaire Steve Martin, accompanied by the 300^th most followed celebrity on Twitter, actor, comedian, & star of The Hangover Trilogy Zach Galifianakis. And the nominees are:

 

 

 

The Twitter Award for Most Interesting Water Cooler Topic

 

Paula Deen

I’ve always been a big fan of The Food Network. However, Paula Deen was never among my favorites. Her overly sweet shtick and southern drawl always seemed a bit over-the-top and phony to me. However, I do not think she deserved the hand she was dealt in 2013. Back in the summer Deen gave a deposition for a lawsuit. She admitted that she had used “the N word” (because we can’t actually use the word in modern PC America even when we’re discussing how awful it is) in the past. It was never clarified to my satisfaction whether she had used it occasionally decades ago or if she is an actual racist that utilizes such words on a daily basis. It was also never proven…atleast not to my knowledge…that Deen has ever discriminated against anyone in her personal or professional life (the lawsuit that led to all of this hoopla was dismissed). Within days Paula Deen’s career was pretty much ruined. The Food Network dropped her as did a plethora of companies with whom she had endorsement deals (Sears, JC Penney’s, QVC, WalMart, Target). Of course Deen isn’t exactly destitute. She still owns a successful restaurant in Georgia and I think she may have just published a new cookbook. I am sure Paula Deen isn’t as nice as she pretends to be on TV, but I am also quite uncomfortable with the mob hit mentality of the media-led masses that can destroy a person’s life overnight even if they didn’t do anything illegal.

 

Blurred Lines

Robin Thicke is the son of songstress & former soap actress Gloria Loring and actor & composer Alan Thicke (he wrote the theme songs for Diff’rent Strokes & Facts of Life). Unfortunately it seems that very little of his parents’ talent seeped into young Robin. I know I am old. I’m not into what all the kids are into these days. But I honestly don’t get the appeal of this song (which is apparently quite popular and nominated for a Grammy).

 

Super Bowl Power Outage

Super Bowl XLVII (that’s 47 for those having this read to you in southern WV). The Superdome in New Orleans. It’s early in the 3^rd quarter with the Baltimore Ravens leading the San Francisco 49ers 28-6. All the sudden most of the lights go out. Play was suspended for over a half hour. It was all quite bizarre. I blame Beyonce.

 

The Harlem Shake

I still don’t know what in the world this is all about.

 

Behind the Candelabra

Michael Douglas as Liberace. Matt Damon as his gay lover. Sure, why not?? I am old enough to remember the tail end of Liberace’s…unique…career, with my own personal highlight being when he was a guest timekeeper at the very first WrestleMania in 1985. There was a lot of hype with this made-for-TV movie and since I just happen to have HBO I checked it out. Well…most of it. Okay…maybe some of it. At any rate, it’s not exactly my cup o’ tea for a variety of reasons, but as small budget biopics go I suppose it’s not bad.

 

Duck Dynasty

Duck Dynasty is a reality show. I don’t know what it’s about and I didn’t even know what channel it was on until recently. All I know is that I see merchandise everywhere with the dudes with long beards. They kind of look like the offspring of Charles Manson and ZZ Top. The apparent popularity of the show would have qualified it for a nomination anyway, but things got kicked up a notch just a few weeks ago when one of the show’s stars did an interview for a magazine during which he was asked what he considers sinful. I guess the guys on the show are fervent Christians which is cool with me, and when this dude was asked about sin he made some comments about deviant homosexual lifestyles that really ticked off The Thought Police. He was almost immediately “suspended” (i.e. fired) by the A&E Network, although they have since reversed that decision since money talks and…other things…walk. You see, in 21st century New America Christians are thought of as the evil ones. God is bad. Jesus is bad. The Bible is bad. What is good?? Open-mindedness, tolerance, “alternative” lifestyles, diversity, & inclusiveness (words which don’t really mean what you’d think they mean). Was the network within its rights to suspend the guy?? Sure. But it just proves that tolerance is a one way street. Liberals love tolerance as long as what you are tolerating is their skewed perspective on life, but they refuse to tolerate Christianity. They hate God and everything He stands for. What has been interesting is the reaction to the controversy. Much like the Chick-Fil-A hullabaloo of 2012 this Duck Dynasty thing has gotten Christians fired up. If Christians would have gotten this upset about more important matters decades ago maybe the once great United States wouldn’t be so adrift right now.

 

The Kanye/Kardashian Baby

It’s bad enough when a person is a complete imbecile. When you have two imbeciles and they produce offspring it becomes a public health issue. To make matters worse these two mental giants saddled their poor innocent child with the name North West. I wish I was kidding. Please…make it stop.

 

Sharknado

Back in July SyFy (yes that’s how they really spell their channel) premiered a cheesy movie about a tornado that lifts sharks up out of the ocean and drops them in Los Angeles. I didn’t watch it but apparently everyone else did. This movie was all I heard about for several days. It created such a buzz that a sequel is on its way in 2014, this time with sharks terrorizing NY City. I probably won’t watch it either.

 

Twerking

Yeah this is a thing thanks to that twit Miley Cyrus. Suffice to say that dancing like that should be confined to a dark club with a pole and lots of dollar bills flying around. People wonder why America seems to be going to hell in a handbasket?? Well…it’s crap like this that points directly to a loss of class, elegance, & sophistication. And yes, I am aware that old geezers said the same thing about Elvis Presley back in the 1950’s.

 

Breaking Bad

Here we go again. How sad is it that a program glorifying meth has been one of the most popular shows on TV the past few years. Do people not understand the correlation between shows like this and actual drug use?? Anyway, I never watched it and don’t even know what channel it was on or what night it was on. I just know that it ended a few months ago and everyone was talking about it. Except me. Because I take the road less traveled.

 

Jodi Arias

Another year another titillating trial to entice the jaded & prurient masses. Arias is a 33 year old gal from Arizona who was on trial for murdering her boyfriend in back in 2008. She claimed it was self-defense and that the boyfriend was abusive. However, the fact that the young man was stabbed nearly 30 times, shot in the head, & had his throat cut obviously seemed to indicate that it was a bit more than self-defense and the jury convicted Arias. For some strange reason she still hasn’t been sentenced so it’s undecided as to whether she’ll get life in prison or the death penalty. I honestly don’t know much about the case because I have better things to do with my time than wallow in other peoples’ drama.

 

The Royal Baby

I really don’t mean to sound like a curmudgeon with a superiority complex but this is another one of those topics that I couldn’t possibly care less about. I live in America. We gained our freedom from The British Empire two centuries ago. Even in England being King or Queen is largely a ceremonial gig with no legitimate power. So why does the world stop when they pop out another kid?? At any rate, Prince William & Dutchess Catherine (aka Kate Middleton) welcomed their first child, Prince George, into the world on July 22. Awesome. I’m happy for them. I sincerely wish the child a long & healthy life. I just don’t understand why we make a big deal out of the situation.

 

 

And The Sammy goes to…..

 

 

Paula Deen & Duck Dynasty. Ladies & gentlemen we have a tie. Both of these situations inspire spirited debate about a variety of closely related topics all linked to a growing culture war in America that pits liberalism & political correctness vs. the rule of law, the role of Christianity in society, & good old-fashioned common sense. It has long been my opinion that political correctness has had a tremendously negative impact on our nation. No one is saying that use of “the N word”, discrimination of any kind, or mistreatment of gay people are good things. They are inherently wrong. I think we can all agree on that. However, there seem to be a plethora of double standards. Deen gets crucified for maybe possibly occasionally using “the N word” once upon a time long long ago but guys like Chris Rock & Al Sharpton use it far more recently and publicly and get a pass. The Duck Dynasty guy lands in hot water for his honest opinion…based on Biblical principles…of homosexuality yet Bill Maher can call former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin a cunt and a twat and people think it’s funny. I read stories almost on a daily basis about small children getting suspended from school or even arrested for the absolute dumbest things like eating a pop tart into the shape of a gun or innocently kissing each other on the cheek. Any mention of God in a public forum has the potential of becoming a huge drama, yet liberals bend over backwards to accommodate nearly every other religion outside of Christianity & Judaism. Children are being raised with the “everybody gets a trophy and we don’t keep score” mentality which might help their self-esteem in the moment but does not prepare them for a reality in which they will face failure & loss in adulthood. Orwell’s 1984 and Huxley’s Brave New World are fast becoming very real instead of science fiction.

 

To present our next award please welcome one of the stars of the fairly mediocre 2008 comedy Role Models, actor Paul Rudd, and the man for whom this award is named, NBA Hall-of-Famer Charles Barkley. And the nominees are:

 

 

The Charles Barkley Memorial Role Model Award

 

Senator Ted Cruz

The junior U.S. Senator from Texas has quickly become one of the few elected leaders on the national stage to doggedly stand up for conservative principles and will likely be a strong presidential contender in 2016.

 

Roy Costner IV

The South Carolina lad who tore up his school approved valedictory speech and instead recited The Lord’s Prayer, undoubtedly causing apoplectic fits amongst the politically correct suits at the local board of education.

 

Ashton Kutcher

Pedestrian actor Kutcher gave an almost mesmeric speech at the Teen Choice Awards in which he urged young people to “build a life…don’t live one, build one” and advised them that “opportunity looks a lot like hard work”. He also said that he’d “never had a job in my life that I was better than” and that “the sexiest thing in the entire world is being really smart, thoughtful, and generous”. If only more celebrities used their fame for good instead of evil.

 

Dr. Ben Carson

Dr. Carson was the director of pediatric neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore until he retired in July. He first garnered widespread attention while giving a speech at the National Prayer Breakfast in February. His remarks, given in the presence of President Obama, were critical of political correctness and nationalized health care, among other things. Dr. Carson has been warmly embraced by conservatives and some are even touting him as a future presidential candidate. That might indeed be interesting, although I am sure career politicians of all stripes would unite to tear him apart if he seriously pondered a run at The White House.

 

Temar Boggs & Chris Garcia

When a 5 year old in Lancaster, PA was kidnapped in July these two teens chased the kidnapper on their bicycles, spooking him enough that the little girl was released unharmed. There is hope for the future afterall.

 

Homer Hickam

Hickam is an actual rocket scientist known by most as the author of the book Rocket Boys, which was turned into the 1999 movie October Sky. When 16 year old Florida high school student Kiera Wilmot was suspended from school and arrested (see I told you) after her science experiment exploded Hickam came to her defense. You see, no one was hurt in the explosion and no significant damage was done, but the politically correct public school system in America likes to stifle creativity and critical thinking. Hickam…who caused his share of explosions as a boy…thought that Wilmot’s intellectual curiosity should be rewarded rather than punished so he gave her a scholarship to the United States Advanced Space Academy (aka Space Camp) in Huntsville, AL. It is likely that Hickam’s high profile involvement also led to all legal charges being dropped and the young lady being allowed to return to school last fall.

 

Charles Ramsey

You will recall that back in May three young ladies were rescued after several years of captivity in a small Cleveland, OH neighborhood. Ramsey is the man that was innocently eating his Big Mac, heard the women scream, and assisted them in escaping their kidnapper. Good Samaritans still exist, which is good to know.

 

Kylie Bisutti

Ms. Bisutti is a former Victoria’s Secret model who gave it all up for The Lord. She decided that her job conflicted with her beliefs and chose her faith over money & fame, saying that her body is a sacred temple and should only be ogled by her husband.

 

Aaron Klein

Klein & his wife owned a bakery in Oregon until they came under scrutiny for refusing to make a wedding cake for a same sex wedding. Sadly they were forced out of business a few months ago and now do everything from home. This is where we’re headed folks…Christians forced “underground” due to the masses’ hatred of God & The Bible.

 

 

And The Sammy goes to…..

 

 

All of them. It’s a 9 way tie. Each of these individuals are a reminder to all of us to stand up for our beliefs, help those in need, and always put God first. Kudos.

 

 

To present our next award please welcome one of the NFL’s biggest stars. The playoffs are starting this weekend and he had nothing else better to do so give a warm & sympathetic round of pity applause to the quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys Tony Romo. And the nominees are:

 

 

Biggest Sports Story

Aaron Hernandez Arrest

I learned a long time ago that just because a person can run fast or catch a ball doesn’t mean they are a good person. However, generally speaking even the vilest athletes contain their illegal activities to drug use, drunk driving, or domestic violence (not that any of those are appropriate in any way). But last summer Hernandez, an extremely talented tight end for the New England Patriots, came under a cloud of suspicion for murder and was eventually arrested. This isn’t Hernandez’s first rodeo, as he is also under investigation for a double homicide in Boston, is being sued for allegedly shooting a man in Florida, & had been in some trouble due to a bar fight in college. To their credit the Patriots cut Hernandez the day he was arrested.

 

Gruesome March Madness Injury

On March 31, 2013, in the first half of an Elite Eight game against Duke, Kevin Ware, a guard for the Louisville Cardinals (who would go on to win the NCAA National Championship), suffered quite possibly one of the most horrific broken legs in the history of televised sports. Teammates were crying and I think one or two may have even thrown up. I was watching the game but thankfully wasn’t paying close attention and missed the whole thing. Replays could be found online and I did eventually watch it once…which was more than enough. Ware did return to the court this fall but he was far from 100% and eventually decided to take a medical redshirt in order to recover fully.

 

Miami Heat Winning Streak

Citizens of The Manoverse are aware of my deep disdain for the NBA’s Miami Heat. That being said, I must admit that they are a very good team, and sellout Lebron James is a great player (but not as good as Michael Jordan). Last February & March the Heat proved just how good they are by winning 27 straight games. The lapdog sports media was completely convinced that they’d certainly break the NBA winning streak record of 33 games set by the Los Angeles Lakers in 1971-72, but alas the Toronto Raptors (really) had other ideas and beat the Heat. No worries though…the Heat went on to win their second NBA Championship.

 

Yasiel Puig

Puig, an outfielder for the Los Angeles Dodgers, made quite a splash after he was called up to The Show in June. He became only the 2nd player in the modern era to hit four home runs in his first five games and his 10 RBI tied the MLB record for most RBI in the first five games of a career. Puig had 27 hits in his first 15 games and was hitting .437 in his first month in the big leagues. There was a push to name Puig to the National League All-Star team but it fell short since most felt that a player who had only played about 1/3 of the first half of the season wasn’t deserving of the honor. For the season Puig ended up hitting .319 with 19 homers & 42 RBI. He finished 2^nd in the National League Rookie of the Year voting.

 

Manti Te’o’s Imaginary Girlfriend

Manti Te’o was the toast of college football in 2012. As a fantastic linebacker for Notre Dame he got a lot of love from the national media. Part of the attention was undoubtedly due to his on-the-field prowess, but a big part of it was also his tragic personal story. Everybody loves those. ESPN reporter Tom Rinaldi has made a career out of them. Supposedly Te’o’s grandmother and his girlfriend had died on the same day in September 2012. The “girlfriend” had leukemia and had made Te’o promise that if something happened to her he wouldn’t miss a game. Well…long story short…after a subpar performance in the national title game last January it came out that Te’o had never actually met this “girlfriend”…that it had been an online relationship with the occasional phone call. Then it was discovered that this woman had never actually existed at all, that Te’o had been “catfished” by a buddy. Te’o was drafted by the San Diego Chargers and will likely have a solid NFL career, but in my opinion he’s a few bricks shy of a load. He’s not a victim…he’s an idiot. And the people who perpetrated the hoax are sick & twisted. To say that the whole story was bizarre would be a huge understatement.

 

Biogenesis

Biogenesis of America was a health clinic in Coral Gables, FL specializing in weight loss and hormone replacement therapy. Last January a Miami newspaper published a story based on a paper trail they’d traced from the clinic that implicated over a dozen Major League baseball players for use of PEDs. Ultimately a handful of big names were suspended by MLB, including Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees, Ryan Braun of the Milwaukee Brewers, Nelson Cruz of the Texas Rangers, & Jhonny Peralta of the Detroit Tigers. I applaud MLB for trying to clean up the sport, but it seems as if there will always be those who’d rather take the shortcut than do the hard work.

 

Jason Collins

Collins was the first professional athlete in American team sports to…come out of the closet. The drive-by sports media tried to make it into a huge story when Collins made his big announcement last spring, but a couple of things were working against their intense effort to promote “alternative lifestyles” and tout him as a hero. First of all no one has ever heard of Jason Collins. He is a career bench warmer whose impact on the NBA is barely more significant that mine. Secondly, no one gives a rat’s petoot who an athlete is knocking boots with as long as they can put the ball in the hole. Okay…maybe that was a poor choice of words but you know what I mean. Anyway, to my knowledge Collins is no longer playing pro basketball. And still no one cares.

 

Richie Incognito & Jonathan Martin

Who knew that a big tough NFL player could be bullied?? Apparently though that is what Miami Dolphins’ offensive lineman Martin says fellow big ugly Incognito did to him. Personally I think that Incognito does seem like a jackass, but Martin appears to be a little bit of a headcase that needs to grow a set.

 

Oscar Pistorius Arrest

Pistorius is the South African double amputee sprinter who captured the hearts of the dozens of people who watched him win a couple of gold medals at the 2012 Summer Olympics. But last February he was making a different kind of headline after being arrested for the murder of his girlfriend. The last I heard Pistorius is out on bail and scheduled to go on trial this spring. Like I said, just because a person can run fast or catch a ball doesn’t mean they are a good person.

 

Lance Armstrong on Oprah

Armstrong is…was…the greatest cyclist in the history of that alleged sport, winning 7 Tour De France (the Super Bowl for bicycles) titles between 1999 & 2005. Along the way he became a sentimental favorite even among those who would rather watch ice melt than a bike race due to the fact that he had successfully battled testicular cancer in the mid-1990s. However, throughout much of his career Armstrong had been accused by various people of “doping”, i.e. taking performance enhancing drugs. Doping seems to be fairly common in cycling, but Armstrong had vehemently denied all allegations of cheating for many years. However, in 2013 it all came crashing down on Armstrong. Even though he had retired a couple of years earlier the United States Anti-Doping Agency, which is apparently the governing body of unimportant sports like cycling, announced that they had a boatload of evidence that Lance Armstrong had been a filthy lying cheater all along. I guess Armstrong knew he was cornered, so he did the only thing he could…he called Oprah. Now I’d rather crawl thru a blizzard naked than watch anything involving Oprah, but I guess he admitted during the interview that he had been doping the whole time. He was stripped of all his Tour de France titles (as if that does any good) and I assume spends much of his time now dealing with lawyers and dodging phone calls.

 

Johnny Football

Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel took college football by storm in 2012 and became the first freshman to ever win the Heisman Trophy. But the fun was just beginning. You see Manziel is a rich kid…a spoiled brat that doesn’t think the rules apply to him. In 2013 he was in the news a lot, and most of it wasn’t football related. He drew heavy criticism for ditching Peyton & Eli Manning’s football camp (where he was to be a guest coach for the young’uns) last summer after he “overslept”, got kicked out of a fraternity party at the University of Texas, and tweeted some disparaging remarks about College Station, TX (home base of Texas A&M). And then he found himself under NCAA investigation for allegedly being paid to sign some memorabilia. Not surprisingly the NCAA wimped out and supposedly found no evidence that Manziel had broken any rules. He went on to have a relatively successful 2013 season and now looks to be headed to the NFL. I think it is likely that Johnny Football did indeed violate NCAA rules, but it’s a moot point now. He may or may not be a successful NFL quarterback, but if he doesn’t get his ego in check I suspect it might be a rather steep uphill climb.

 

 

No New MLB Hall-of-Famers

Roger Clemens. Barry Bonds. Mark McGwire. Sammy Sosa. These were some of the more prominent names on the MLB Hall of Fame ballot in 2013. Not surprisingly no one received the needed votes to get elected. The chickens of baseball’s “steroid era” are most decidedly coming home to roost. There are those who think that any accusations/admissions of PED use should be ignored and players’ accomplishments be taken at face value. Others believe that anyone even suspected of juicing should never enter the hallowed halls of Cooperstown. I tend to lean toward the latter, but I suspect that some type of compromise will eventually be decided upon.

 

 

And The Sammy goes to…..

 

 

Biogenesis. Sadly most of the bigger sports stories in 2013 were the kind off-the-field   stuff that makes sports fans question why we even bother. Credit must be given to MLB for trying their best to clean up the sport. This scandal ensnared a couple of pretty big names, most notably Alex Rodriguez, a guy who has always been vastly overrated. What does it say about a guy when he juices and still stinks?? At any rate, my hope is that someday we won’t see stories like this and that cheating will be a thing of the past, but in reality I understand human nature and the penchant for trying to gain any kind of an advantage, especially when such huge amounts of money are up for grabs. I suppose all we can do as fans is enjoy the game and let justice be dispensed accordingly when appropriate.

 

 

This seems like a good spot to take another break. Please stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of the 2013 Sammy Awards!!

Here at The Manofesto we think that there is no better way to begin the journey thru 2014 than by taking one last look at 2013, and so we are thrilled to present the 4th annual Sammy Awards. I sincerely hope that everyone in The Manoverse had a lovely & festive Christmas, and I wish you all a very Happy New Year. Before we get on with the imaginary show let me briefly review the ground rules for anyone who may be joining us for the first time. I approach this effort with the thought in mind that it could actually be a real, televised awards show. There are dozens of them already, so what’s one more?? However, I’d like to think that mine would be much different & more entertaining. It’d be broadcast on HBO, which would allow multiple re-runs, eliminate commercials, and create a sense of freedom that the politically correct broadcast networks stifle. The pace would be brisk because a show longer than two hours drags and loses the interest of the viewer. There would be no acceptance speeches because most of the categories have far too many nominees to have in the audience and many might not consider it an honor to be nominated anyway. The Sammys are classier than the idiotic MTV Awards, yet not as pompous as The Academy Awards. They are a lighthearted but solicitous review of the past year…the stories, the people, and the events (both happy & not so happy) that made 2013 what it was.

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Please give a rousing ovation to the host of the 2013 Sammy Awards. He’s a singer, a dancer, an actor, and sometimes a comedian. Give it up for Justin Timberlake!! (I am trying to secure the young female demographic.)

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After a brief opening song & dance medley by our host the first award will be presented by two 1980’s television icons. He began his career as a doctor on the soap opera General Hospital but rose to fame as the secret agent MacGyver who proved he really could save the world with duct tape. She was the daughter on Who’s the Boss? and your humble Potentate of Profundity’s first celebrity crush. Please welcome Richard Dean Anderson & Alyssa Milano. And the nominees are:

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Favorite TV Show

Dallas

I loved the original incarnation of nighttime soap Dallas, which aired on CBS from 1978 to 1991. Every Friday night at 9pm my entire family would gather around the television and enjoy watching the adventures of the Ewings, an ultra-rich oil baron family residing at their ranch South Fork. My father especially enjoyed the dastardly deeds of cunning & devious tycoon JR Ewing as he continuously bested his hapless archrival Cliff Barnes…among many others. Two decades after the original series wrapped up TNT brought back a next generation continuation of the story. Is it as good as the original?? No…not even close. And it is quite possible…maybe even probable…that the solid ratings the show has enjoyed in its two seasons have in large part been due to fans like myself who simply dig the nostalgia of seeing JR, Bobby, Sue Ellen, & Cliff back on our television screens. That may face a formidable test now that JR himself…actor Larry Hagman…is no longer with us. But this past year I found the show quite compelling, especially the creative way in which Hagman’s death and therefore the demise of his alter ego were handled by the writers.

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Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

After a one year hiatus the only late night talk show host that I haven’t grown a bit weary of is back. Fallon is still a little too liberal for my taste but to his credit he does not let his bias show nearly as much as others in his position. Atleast he didn’t Slow Jam the News with President Obama in 2013…the thing that cost him a nomination last year. Jimmy is amiable in the best sense of the word and extremely talented. His musical parodies and impressions are fantastic, and I really enjoy comedy bits like Models and Buckets, Water War, Perm Week, The 12 Days of Christmas Sweaters, Celebrity Whispers, and of course the Friday night tradition Thank You Notes. He makes copious use of Twitter and other modern technologies which is fine by me. I am not all that enamored with house band The Roots, but fortunately they are a mostly unintrusive presence and do not negatively impact my enjoyment of the program. Jimmy will be taking over The Tonight Show in a couple of months and I am hoping that his shtick doesn’t significantly change in order to kowtow to an earlier audience.

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Mike & Mike in the Morning

The three time winner of this award is still going strong. If you love sports then there’s no way that you can’t love this show. For 4 hours each weekday morning Greeny & Golic discuss the sports topics du jour with plenty of help from in-studio guests and knowledgeable insiders calling in on The Subway Fresh Take Hotline. They know how to strike exactly the right chord depending on the subject matter. They can be goofy & spontaneous when something tickles their funny bone but can shift into serious journalist mode when a more somber story tops the headlines. I think part of the appeal of Mike & Mike for me is the idea that they are doing what I would love to be doing with my professional life. Kudos to Greeny & Golic for living the dream.

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Dan Lebatard is Highly Questionable

Whereas Mike & Mike is like a pleasant & easygoing morning walk thru the park HQ is a more…loud & frenetic…look at the sports stories du jour. However it is still funny & informative…just in a different way. ESPN has continued to move the show around a bit too much, although as of late they seem to have settled into a 4pm slot on ESPN2. I am still undecided about the addition of co-host Bomani Jones that occurred back in September. A little of Jones’ attitude goes a long way and I liked the show just fine when it was just Dan and his goofy Cuban father (aka Papi). But I don’t hate the change and still find myself tuning in every day if I am home.

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How I Met Your Mother

We are currently in the midst of the 9^th and final season of the show. At the end of last season we finally met The Mother (though Ted hadn’t met her yet) and this season is centered on Barney & Robin’s wedding. I’m not exactly sure it was the best idea to have an entire season of shows based on one weekend but atleast it is creative and something that…to my knowledge…has not been tried before. It feels like this show peaked last season…or maybe even the year before that…so I am glad they’re ending it before it outstays its welcome. HIMYM has always felt like an edgier if slightly less endearing riff on Friends…a comparison that is meant as a compliment…and it deserves kudos for a solid decade long run that most critics would have likely not predicted when the show debuted in 2005.

 

The Herd

Another ESPN talk show has made the rotation. There was a time when I didn’t much care for Colin Cowherd, but I realized that what I didn’t like was his reputation. I was treating him like so many treat my man Rush Limbaugh…judging him without actually listening to what he had to say. Once I started tuning into The Herd on ESPNU each morning I realized that I agree with many of Cowherd’s opinions. He is blunt and not at all politically correct. I suspect that he leans a bit further to the left than I would prefer but I’ll give the guy credit for keeping his sociopolitical views pretty much off the table and sticking to sports. Cowherd is a one man band with the exception of the occasional call-in guest or maybe a visit from NFL analyst Tim Hasselbeck, and I truly respect anyone that can just talk continuously for long stretches without anyone to play off of. It’s simple, it’s informative, it’s entertaining, and it works.

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Pardon the Interruption

Tony Kornheiser & Michael Wilbon have become the dean of sports talk show hosts and have been doing PTI since 2001. They are the Siskel & Ebert of sports. Tony is the Oscar Madison-esque acerbic curmudgeon who tells it like it is and doesn’t care who he insults. Wilbon is a bit more erudite & considerate. PTI is a half hour show which is perfect because unlike Greeny & Golic a little of Michael & Tony goes a long way. I think four hours of their shouting might become somewhat irritating, but as it is we get a perfect portion of the always thought-provoking insight that two experienced sportswriters who have been navigating that particular world for decades can offer.

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The Big Bang Theory

It is my personal opinion that the majority of the sitcoms produced in the past decade are vulgar, intellectually vacant, poorly written rubbish that I do not find the least bit engaging beyond being background noise as I spend time doing something far more pleasurable. However, occasionally a gem comes along that captures my attention and reminds me a little bit of when sitcoms were awesome back in the 80’s. Big Bang is one of the few fictional shows currently on the schedule that I try to make a point of either catching when it comes on Thursday nights or setting the ol’ DVR to record. TBS also shows copious amounts of reruns from the show’s 7 seasons. Sheldon Cooper is destined to become one of television’s greatest characters of all-time, alongside Fonzie, JR Ewing, George Costanza, & Barney Fife…among others. Unlike HIMYM, which seems as if it is running out of steam, Big Bang just gets better with age and feels like it could continue at a high quality level for several more years.

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And the Sammy goes to…..

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Mike & Mike. Greeny & Golic take home the award for the fourth year in a row. I am starting to run out of things to say about this show. Next week my work routine will be changing dramatically for the first time since 2009 when I transition from midnights to day shift. That means that instead of arriving home after a long night in the trenches and relaxing with Mike & Mike I will be just getting out of bed and in the process of starting my day, missing out on the latter half of the program completely. Time will tell how that affects my viewing habits and outlook on the show. I doubt if I will go so far as to DVR it, but we’ll see. In the meantime I will just say again that I wholeheartedly recommend Mike & Mike in the Morning as high caliber entertainment for the discerning sports nut.

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To present our next award please welcome two people who know a thing or two about relative obscurity. He’s been riding the Star Wars wave for three decades, and when he heard that there was going to be a prequel ran on foot from his efficiency apartment in a driving rainstorm all the way to George Lucas’ Skywalker Ranch, threw himself at Lucas’ feet, and begged him to “PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me be in the new movie!! Your ranch is named after ME for God’s sake!!”. She was the runner-up on the 10^th season of American Idol and was fortunately able to switch her shift with one of the other lovely young waitresses at Applebee’s to be with us tonight. Stand up and give a reassuring round of applause to Mark Hamill & Lauren Alaina. And the nominees are:

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The DB Cooper Award (For the Person Who Most Needs to Disappear)

 

Lindsay Lohan

It’s been a fairly subdued year by The Hohan’s standards, but she did have yet another stint in rehab and starred in another crappy movie in which her leading man was in fact a porn star (the film itself was an “erotic thriller”). Word on the street is that in 2014 she’s doing a reality show on OWN, the network run by Satan’s favorite talk show host. Damn you Oprah for giving this twit an outlet in which she’ll actually get paid to spread her degenerate lifestyle to the masses. Sadly it’ll mostly likely be the highest rated show OWN has ever produced.

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Senator John McCain

Look, I realize the man is a war hero. I have a deep & abiding admiration for anyone who went thru the things he went through in Vietnam and not only lived to tell about it but went on to lead a successful & productive life. He’s probably a great guy. But he’s become a liability for his party and conservatism in general. Like most politicians who have been in power for three decades he is out of touch and has outstayed his welcome. McCain’s particular brand of bipartisanship usually entails him kneeling down and kissing the…feet…of his liberal counterparts. If he’d run a more effective campaign in 2008 and been a true & genuine conservative America might not be under siege from the economic and social evil perpetrated by The Obama Regime. It’s time for Senator McCain to fade away before he becomes any more of a joke.

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Miley Cyrus

She can’t sing, she’s not a good actress, and she’s not that attractive. In an attempt to be nice that is all I will say.

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Justin Beiber

Not only does his particular brand of “music” continue to lower standards across the board and provide unsuspecting youths with a skewed perspective on what quality entertainment actually entails, but it turns out he’s a punk and possibly a menace to society  off stage as well. Beiber needs to be stopped before he hurts somebody.

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Amanda Bynes

Wow…what a trainwreck this little tart has become. I am far outside the demographic that might have once been members of Bynes’ fan club, but as I recall she was a harmless enough actress who starred in relatively innocuous movies and TV shows. In 2013 she inexplicably went into meltdown mode. You know the drill…legal issues, bizarre behavior, drug use, the requisite weird haircut, etc. She’s become Lindsay Lohan Light. Sadly the American public eats this stuff up. Channels like E! and shows like Access Hollywood thrive on the misery of people like Amanda Bynes. Here’s hoping that those entities don’t make a dime off of this poor gal in the next year.

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Taylor Swift

I’m never ever ever listening to another one of her stupid songs again…like ever!!

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Kim Kardashian & Kanye West

Her entire family has cast a cloud on America for far too long. They are all irrelevant and complete wastes, but I give most of the blame to her for starting the whole ordeal with that stupid sex tape. Now she has procreated with quite possibly the worst “rapper” to ever smack some bitches & dis some ho’s. The dude makes Snoop Dogg seem like Frank Sinatra.

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Lance Armstrong & Ryan Braun

Allegations of doping had plagued 7-time Tour de France winner Armstrong for years. After repeated passionate denials over the course of the past decade Armstrong finally came clean last January. And he did it in an interview with Satan’s favorite talk show host which makes him even more detestable in my book. Braun is an All-Star outfielder with the Milwaukee Brewers and just like Lance Armstrong he is a filthy liar and a cheater. He tested positive for PEDs in 2011 but strongly denied having used and said the testing process was faulty. He appealed his 50 game suspension from MLB and actually won. However…surprise surprise…Braun’s name came up again when the Biogenesis scandal broke in 2013. He finally admitted to his “mistakes”, although thankfully Oprah wasn’t involved.

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Anthony Weiner

I think this one stands a good chance of actually going away. As you will undoubtedly recall Weiner was a U.S. Congressman from New York who landed in some hot water a few years ago when he tweeted a pic of his junk to one of his female followers. After denying his own penis for several weeks he finally admitted the indiscretion and eventually resigned from office. The scandal combined with the Congressman’s unfortunate surname made him the butt of jokes on late night television throughout much of 2011. And then…just when we thought it was safe to get back in the water…he was back in 2013. For some strange reason…after all the humiliation & laughter…Mr. Weiner thought it’d be a good idea to run for governor in New York. Not surprisingly old habits die hard, and just when it looked like he might actually have a shot to win the election it came out that he had continued to text naughty photos to multiple women using the alias Carlos Danger. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

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And the Sammy goes to…..

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Kimye. I detest these two individuals with the red hot intensity of 1000 suns. Thank God I have enough good taste not to listen to his “music” or be a fan of…whatever it is that she does, but the drive-by infotainment media is obsessed with every move they make. Please…dear Lord…for all that is sacred & holy…make them go away. And rescue that poor baby before she is influenced too much by her idiotic mother, dimwitted aunts, or morality challenged grandmother.

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This seems like the appropriate place to take a break. Please join us this weekend for Part II of the 2013 Sammy Awards!!