The 2013 Sammy Awards – Part I

Here at The Manofesto we think that there is no better way to begin the journey thru 2014 than by taking one last look at 2013, and so we are thrilled to present the 4th annual Sammy Awards. I sincerely hope that everyone in The Manoverse had a lovely & festive Christmas, and I wish you all a very Happy New Year. Before we get on with the imaginary show let me briefly review the ground rules for anyone who may be SammyAwardeaglejoining us for the first time. I approach this effort with the thought in mind that it could actually be a real, televised awards show. There are dozens of them already, so what’s one more?? However, I’d like to think that mine would be much different & more entertaining. It’d be broadcast on HBO, which would allow multiple re-runs, eliminate commercials, and create a sense of freedom that the politically correct broadcast networks stifle. The pace would be brisk because a show longer than two hours drags and loses the interest of the viewer. There would be no acceptance speeches because most of the categories have far too many nominees to have in the audience and many might not consider it an honor to be nominated anyway. The Sammys are classier than the idiotic MTV Awards, yet not as pompous as The Academy Awards. They are a lighthearted but solicitous review of the past year…the stories, the people, and the events (both happy & not so happy) that made 2013 what it was.

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Please give a rousing ovation to the host of the 2013 Sammy Awards. timberlakeHe’s a singer, a dancer, an actor, and sometimes a comedian. Give it up for Justin Timberlake!! (I am trying to secure the young female demographic.)

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Richard Dean AndersonAfter a brief opening song & dance medley by our host themilano first award will be presented by two 1980’s television icons. He began his career as a doctor on the soap opera General Hospital but rose to fame as the secret agent MacGyver who proved he really could save the world with duct tape. She was the daughter on Who’s the Boss? and your humble Potentate of Profundity’s first celebrity crush. Please welcome Richard Dean Anderson & Alyssa Milano. And the nominees are:

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Favorite TV Show

Dallas

I loved the original incarnation of nighttime soap Dallas, which aired on CBS from 1978 to 1991. Every Friday night at 9pm my entire family would gather around the television and enjoy watching the adventures of the Ewings, an ultra-rich oil baron family residing at their ranch South Fork. My father especially enjoyed the dastardly deeds of cunning & devious tycoon JR Ewing as he continuously bested his hapless archrival Cliff Barnes…among many others. Two decades after the original series wrapped up TNT brought back a next generation continuation of the story. Is it as good as the original?? No…not even close. And it is quite possible…maybe even probable…that the solid ratings the show has enjoyed in its two seasons have in large part been due to fans like myself who simply dig the nostalgia of seeing JR, Bobby, Sue Ellen, & Cliff back on our television screens. That may face a formidable test now that JR himself…actor Larry Hagman…is no longer with us. But this past year I found the show quite compelling, especially the creative way in which Hagman’s death and therefore the demise of his alter ego were handled by the writers.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

After a one year hiatus the only late night talk show host that I haven’t grown a bit weary of is back. Fallon is still a little too liberal for my taste but to his credit he does not let his bias show nearly as much as others in his position. Atleast he didn’t Slow Jam the News with President Obama in 2013…the thing that cost him a nomination last year. Jimmy is amiable in the best sense of the word and extremely talented. His musical parodies and impressions are fantastic, and I really enjoy comedy bits like Models and Buckets, Water War, Perm Week, The 12 Days of Christmas Sweaters, Celebrity Whispers, and of course the Friday night tradition Thank You Notes. He makes copious use of Twitter and other modern technologies which is fine by me. I am not all that enamored with house band The Roots, but fortunately they are a mostly unintrusive presence and do not negatively impact my enjoyment of the program. Jimmy will be taking over The Tonight Show in a couple of months and I am hoping that his shtick doesn’t significantly change in order to kowtow to an earlier audience.

Mike & Mike in the Morning

The three time winner of this award is still going strong. If you love sports then there’s no way that you can’t love this show. For 4 hours each weekday morning Greeny & Golic discuss the sports topics du jour with plenty of help from in-studio guests and knowledgeable insiders calling in on The Subway Fresh Take Hotline. They know how to strike exactly the right chord depending on the subject matter. They can be goofy & spontaneous when something tickles their funny bone but can shift into serious journalist mode when a more somber story tops the headlines. I think part of the appeal of Mike & Mike for me is the idea that they are doing what I would love to be doing with my professional life. Kudos to Greeny & Golic for living the dream.

Dan Lebatard is Highly Questionable

Whereas Mike & Mike is like a pleasant & easygoing morning walk thru the park HQ is a more…loud & frenetic…look at the sports stories du jour. However it is still funny & informative…just in a different way. ESPN has continued to move the show around a bit too much, although as of late they seem to have settled into a 4pm slot on ESPN2. I am still undecided about the addition of co-host Bomani Jones that occurred back in September. A little of Jones’ attitude goes a long way and I liked the show just fine when it was just Dan and his goofy Cuban father (aka Papi). But I don’t hate the change and still find myself tuning in every day if I am home.

How I Met Your Mother

We are currently in the midst of the 9th and final season of the show. At the end of last season we finally met The Mother (though Ted hadn’t met her yet) and this season is centered on Barney & Robin’s wedding. I’m not exactly sure it was the best idea to have an entire season of shows based on one weekend but atleast it is creative and something that…to my knowledge…has not been tried before. It feels like this show peaked last season…or maybe even the year before that…so I am glad they’re ending it before it outstays its welcome. HIMYM has always felt like an edgier if slightly less endearing riff on Friends…a comparison that is meant as a compliment…and it deserves kudos for a solid decade long run that most critics would have likely not predicted when the show debuted in 2005.

 

The Herd

Another ESPN talk show has made the rotation. There was a time when I didn’t much care for Colin Cowherd, but I realized that what I didn’t like was his reputation. I was treating him like so many treat my man Rush Limbaugh…judging him without actually listening to what he had to say. Once I started tuning into The Herd on ESPNU each morning I realized that I agree with many of Cowherd’s opinions. He is blunt and not at all politically correct. I suspect that he leans a bit further to the left than I would prefer but I’ll give the guy credit for keeping his sociopolitical views pretty much off the table and sticking to sports. Cowherd is a one man band with the exception of the occasional call-in guest or maybe a visit from NFL analyst Tim Hasselbeck, and I truly respect anyone that can just talk continuously for long stretches without anyone to play off of. It’s simple, it’s informative, it’s entertaining, and it works.

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Pardon the Interruption

Tony Kornheiser & Michael Wilbon have become the dean of sports talk show hosts and have been doing PTI since 2001. They are the Siskel & Ebert of sports. Tony is the Oscar Madison-esque acerbic curmudgeon who tells it like it is and doesn’t care who he insults. Wilbon is a bit more erudite & considerate. PTI is a half hour show which is perfect because unlike Greeny & Golic a little of Michael & Tony goes a long way. I think four hours of their shouting might become somewhat irritating, but as it is we get a perfect portion of the always thought-provoking insight that two experienced sportswriters who have been navigating that particular world for decades can offer.

The Big Bang Theory

It is my personal opinion that the majority of the sitcoms produced in the past decade are vulgar, intellectually vacant, poorly written rubbish that I do not find the least bit engaging beyond being background noise as I spend time doing something far more pleasurable. However, occasionally a gem comes along that captures my attention and reminds me a little bit of when sitcoms were awesome back in the 80’s. Big Bang is one of the few fictional shows currently on the schedule that I try to make a point of either catching when it comes on Thursday nights or setting the ol’ DVR to record. TBS also shows copious amounts of reruns from the show’s 7 seasons. Sheldon Cooper is destined to become one of television’s greatest characters of all-time, alongside Fonzie, JR Ewing, George Costanza, & Barney Fife…among others. Unlike HIMYM, which seems as if it is running out of steam, Big Bang just gets better with age and feels like it could continue at a high quality level for several more years.

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And the Sammy goes to…..

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Mike & Mike. Greeny & Golic take home the award for the fourth year in Mike and Mike - May 16, 2013a row. I am starting to run out of things to say about this show. Next week my work routine will be changing dramatically for the first time since 2009 when I transition from midnights to day shift. That means that instead of arriving home after a long night in the trenches and relaxing with Mike & Mike I will be just getting out of bed and in the process of starting my day, missing out on the latter half of the program completely. Time will tell how that affects my viewing habits and outlook on the show. I doubt if I will go so far as to DVR it, but we’ll see. In the meantime I will just say again that I wholeheartedly recommend Mike & Mike in the Morning as high caliber entertainment for the discerning sports nut.

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hamillTo present our next award please welcome two people who lauren-alaina-650-430know a thing or two about relative obscurity. He’s been riding the Star Wars wave for three decades, and when he heard that there was going to be a prequel ran on foot from his efficiency apartment in a driving rainstorm all the way to George Lucas’ Skywalker Ranch, threw himself at Lucas’ feet, and begged him to “PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me be in the new movie!! Your ranch is named after ME for God’s sake!!”. She was the runner-up on the 10th season of American Idol and was fortunately able to switch her shift with one of the other lovely young waitresses at Applebee’s to be with us tonight. Stand up and give a reassuring round of applause to Mark Hamill & Lauren Alaina. And the nominees are:

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The DB Cooper Award (For the Person Who Most Needs to Disappear)

 

Lindsay Lohan

It’s been a fairly subdued year by The Hohan’s standards, but she did have yet another stint in rehab and starred in another crappy movie in which her leading man was in fact a porn star (the film itself was an “erotic thriller”). Word on the street is that in 2014 she’s doing a reality show on OWN, the network run by Satan’s favorite talk show host. Damn you Oprah for giving this twit an outlet in which she’ll actually get paid to spread her degenerate lifestyle to the masses. Sadly it’ll mostly likely be the highest rated show OWN has ever produced.

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Senator John McCain

Look, I realize the man is a war hero. I have a deep & abiding admiration for anyone who went thru the things he went through in Vietnam and not only lived to tell about it but went on to lead a successful & productive life. He’s probably a great guy. But he’s become a liability for his party and conservatism in general. Like most politicians who have been in power for three decades he is out of touch and has outstayed his welcome. McCain’s particular brand of bipartisanship usually entails him kneeling down and kissing the…feet…of his liberal counterparts. If he’d run a more effective campaign in 2008 and been a true & genuine conservative America might not be under siege from the economic and social evil perpetrated by The Obama Regime. It’s time for Senator McCain to fade away before he becomes any more of a joke.

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Miley Cyrus

She can’t sing, she’s not a good actress, and she’s not that attractive. In an attempt to be nice that is all I will say.

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Justin Beiber

Not only does his particular brand of “music” continue to lower standards across the board and provide unsuspecting youths with a skewed perspective on what quality entertainment actually entails, but it turns out he’s a punk and possibly a menace to society  off stage as well. Beiber needs to be stopped before he hurts somebody.

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Amanda Bynes

Wow…what a trainwreck this little tart has become. I am far outside the demographic that might have once been members of Bynes’ fan club, but as I recall she was a harmless enough actress who starred in relatively innocuous movies and TV shows. In 2013 she inexplicably went into meltdown mode. You know the drill…legal issues, bizarre behavior, drug use, the requisite weird haircut, etc. She’s become Lindsay Lohan Light. Sadly the American public eats this stuff up. Channels like E! and shows like Access Hollywood thrive on the misery of people like Amanda Bynes. Here’s hoping that those entities don’t make a dime off of this poor gal in the next year.

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Taylor Swift

I’m never ever ever listening to another one of her stupid songs again…like ever!!

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Kim Kardashian & Kanye West

Her entire family has cast a cloud on America for far too long. They are all irrelevant and complete wastes, but I give most of the blame to her for starting the whole ordeal with that stupid sex tape. Now she has procreated with quite possibly the worst “rapper” to ever smack some bitches & dis some ho’s. The dude makes Snoop Dogg seem like Frank Sinatra.

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Lance Armstrong & Ryan Braun

Allegations of doping had plagued 7-time Tour de France winner Armstrong for years. After repeated passionate denials over the course of the past decade Armstrong finally came clean last January. And he did it in an interview with Satan’s favorite talk show host which makes him even more detestable in my book. Braun is an All-Star outfielder with the Milwaukee Brewers and just like Lance Armstrong he is a filthy liar and a cheater. He tested positive for PEDs in 2011 but strongly denied having used and said the testing process was faulty. He appealed his 50 game suspension from MLB and actually won. However…surprise surprise…Braun’s name came up again when the Biogenesis scandal broke in 2013. He finally admitted to his “mistakes”, although thankfully Oprah wasn’t involved.

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Anthony Weiner

I think this one stands a good chance of actually going away. As you will undoubtedly recall Weiner was a U.S. Congressman from New York who landed in some hot water a few years ago when he tweeted a pic of his junk to one of his female followers. After denying his own penis for several weeks he finally admitted the indiscretion and eventually resigned from office. The scandal combined with the Congressman’s unfortunate surname made him the butt of jokes on late night television throughout much of 2011. And then…just when we thought it was safe to get back in the water…he was back in 2013. For some strange reason…after all the humiliation & laughter…Mr. Weiner thought it’d be a good idea to run for governor in New York. Not surprisingly old habits die hard, and just when it looked like he might actually have a shot to win the election it came out that he had continued to text naughty photos to multiple women using the alias Carlos Danger. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

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And the Sammy goes to…..

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Kimye. I detest these two individuals with the red hot intensity of 1000 Kimyesuns. Thank God I have enough good taste not to listen to his “music” or be a fan of…whatever it is that she does, but the drive-by infotainment media is obsessed with every move they make. Please…dear Lord…for all that is sacred & holy…make them go away. And rescue that poor baby before she is influenced too much by her idiotic mother, dimwitted aunts, or morality challenged grandmother.

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This seems like the appropriate place to take a break. Please join us this weekend for Part II of the 2013 Sammy Awards!!

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One thought on “The 2013 Sammy Awards – Part I

  1. I liked Big Bang early on, but then it seemed to degenerate – like Seinfeld, Friends, etc. – into a contest of how many sexual innuebdos and adventures can we cram into each episode. No longer passing the Philippians 4:8 test, I dropped each of them in turn. Too bad, because aparrt from all the forced ungodliness they were funny.

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