First of all, let me just say that I had a hard time trimming this list down to seven things. I smell a future sequel. At any rate, even though I am a mostly pleasant, easygoing, amiable guy, I have my pet peeves just like everyone else. I have decided over the course of the past few years to embrace my inner curmudgeon because even my dark side is pretty much harmless, and I kind of figure that if there are going to be things that tick me off those things may as well be completely neurotic & trivial. So, it is with lighthearted malice in my big ol’ cuddly heart that I scream at you pesky kids to get off my damn lawn & turn down that noisy rock n’ roll music, and present to you…..
from the home office in Burlington, VT (America’s angriest city…seriously, Google it)…..
The Superfluous 7 Things That Annoy Me For No Apparent Reason:
7 Going “up” instead of down (or vice versa)
I hear people doing this all the time. For example, Morgantown, WV (home of the Mountaineers) is a city approximately 50 miles north of me, but I’ll hear a person say “I am gonna run down to Morgantown”. No, you’re not. You are going to go UP to Morgantown. Buy a compass for God’s sake.
6 Songs with sirens
You are driving along, enjoying your day, running your errands, and enjoying the lovely sunshine. You are rockin’ out to your local rock station when you hear it…”WOOO WOOO WOOO”. Your heart jumps into your throat. You do a mental checklist…license, registration, proof of insurance, cell phone so the cops can call 911 since you are having a coronary. And then you realize that you aren’t about to be dragged away to the pokey like OJ Simpson trying to see if he can luck out with two idiotic juries in one lifetime. No, it’s just the song on the radio. I’d like to lock the “artists” who record such purported “songs” in a room with ol’ OJ for an hour or two.
5 Toddlers on a leash
I do not have any children (that I am aware of). I may never have children. I realize that those who do have children hold their safety in the highest regard. But leashes are for dogs. If you cannot protect your baby in a more humane fashion than to tether them to you like the family pet then may I suggest you leave them at home until they are of such an age that you feel comfortable that they won’t run away from you like band members fleeing Van Halen.
You know what time you need to be at work, church, or any other social engagement or meeting. Be there on time. Heck…get crazy and be there 10 minutes early. Don’t be the person that walks in 5 or 15 minutes late e-v-e-r-y s-i-n-g-l-e w-e-e-k. Eventually the excuses ring hollow and you become a running joke. It becomes obvious that the task at hand is not at all important to that constantly tardy person.
3 Lady & Lil Man
Maybe it’s just me…maybe I am imagining things. But I am pretty sure this is a fairly new trend. It seems as if everyone now refers to all male babies & toddlers as “Lil Man”. “I’m taking Lil Man to the circus tonight!!”. “Lil Man isn’t feeling very well today…I think he has a tummy ache”. “Lil Man doesn’t really look like me or any of the dozen guys I slept with last year…I am beginning to think there was a mix up at the hospital”. I cannot be totally sure because…well, I was a baby, plus I can’t remember what I had for breakfast let alone things that happened nearly 40 years ago…but I’d be willing to bet that when I was a child no one called me Lil Man. Close behind this irritating trend is this one: one female says to the other ‘I tried to call you last night lady!!” or “What’s goin’ on lady?? I haven’t talked to you in forever”. Who are you…Jerry Lewis?? And right up there on the irk-o-meter are middle aged white guys who think they are some smooth blend of LL Cool J, Jamie Foxx, and Barry White and refer to their lovely female friends as Baby Girl. Please stop it…you are embarrassing yourself.
2 Group Shopping
I live a rather solitary life. I live alone, sleep alone, eat alone, go to the movies alone, and shop alone. I realize this skews my perspective. However, when I am at the grocery store, the mall, or any other retail outlet I want to be able to get to where I am going and peruse the aisles with as little interference as possible. That is why I become exasperated by 3 or more people walking beside each other like Dorothy and her crew skipping down The Yellow Brick Road. Getting behind such a group is the pedestrian equivalent of following a school bus at 7am on a weekday in the fall. Your task will take you three times as long because these assclowns are oblivious to the fact that the world does not revolve around their juvenile merriment. Get out of my way!!
1 Obnoxious Facebook Pics
You’ve seen them. We’ve all seen them. This is an open plea to all females under the age of 50 who post photos on Facebook or any other site. I absolutely guarantee that if one is a friend of a person that fits that demographic then they have seen their gal pal post two specific types of pics. The first is what I would call “Look at me…I’m gangsta!!” – two fingers pointed like a horizontal peace sign, with a look on their face as if they are having some sort of convulsion and may need immediate medical attention. The second, even more aggravating pic is what I guess the kids these days are calling The Ducky Face, which is some sort of weird puckering thing. Please…ladies…I beg of you…please, for the love of God & all that is holy, stop. It is not attractive, it is not cool…it is obnoxious.