Holiday Essentials with Your Humble Potentate of Profundity

It goes without saying that Christmas is…or atleast should be…all about the birth of our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ. It should also be christmas-lightsabout family, an attitude of giving, and a time of reflection & contemplation of life. However, I am not here to hop up on my soapbox (not today anyway) or proselytize (not that there is anything wrong with that). There are a lot of cool things about the holiday season, and since I do not have a spouse or children I tend to enjoy a lot of other peripheral traditions besides opening presents on Christmas morning. So these, in a nutshell, are the things that entertain me, make me a bit wistful, and help me fondly recall the idyllic childhood of my selective memory.

 

 

 

 

Santa Claus on the Biography Channel

I’ve railed against the stupefying mediocrity of television elsewhere here at The Manofesto, but I have to admit that amongst the plethora of nothingness that passes as “entertainment” on The Idiot Box there are occasionally some hidden gems. Whenever I am not watching a ballgame on TV I tend to gravitate toward more informational fare on Discovery, History, or The Science Channel. If only I’d have had that sort of intellectual curiosity 30 years ago. Ah well…c’est la vie. At any rate, A&E used to run this terrific show called Biography, which is exactly what it sounds like. A few years ago the show somehow got its own channel, which is probably overkill but what’re you gonna do?? At Christmas time they inevitably run a show about the jolly old elf himself…Saint Nicholas, Santa Claus, Sinterklaas, Father Christmas, etc. They explore the origins, the myths, and how our modern interpretation came to fruition. It’s educational, it’s fun, and it’s not a bad way to spend an hour or two.

 

 

Reading A Visit From St. Nicholas

Unfortunately I do not have children of my own and have begun to have very serious doubts about whether I ever will. If I did I would like to think that one of the final things I would do as they lay their little heads down to sleep on Christmas Eve is read this most beloved poem. As it is I still like to find it online and read it to myself. What a beautifully written story it is, with the power to make even middle-aged men feel like children once again.

 

 

Die Hard

Coming in at #9 on my list of Favorite Movies is the best action movie of all time and the world’s most unlikely Christmas film. It’s a terrific change of pace from the sentimentality and mawkish preachiness of typical holiday fare. Obviously I don’t shy away from all that sweetness & light…not at all. But sometimes it’s fun just to sit back and watch smartass Bruce Willis (at his very best) shoot things and blow stuff up.

 

 

Crazy Christmas Lights

lightsI am physically unable to put up a huge decorative display, and even if I could The Bachelor Palace is not really conducive to that sort of thing anyway. So I can get my fix a couple of ways. If the weather cooperates I can hop in the ol’ gasoline powered extended cab sleigh and traverse local neighborhoods where folks with that funky Christmas spirit have decorated the outside of their own homesteads. The swankier sections of town where the pretty people live are usually the mother lode of ornamental holiday nirvana. It’s not a bad way to spend a chilly December evening. The other, far lazier option is to just hang out on the couch and find The Travel Channel on your television. They frequently replay a couple of specials about people who go all out with their Christmas light presentations. Either way the soft glowing lights (I am partial to white lights) are an essential part of the holiday season.

 

 

Thanksgiving with The Macy’s Parade, Planes, Trains, & Automobiles, and NFL Football

This list is obviously more about Christmas, but sometimes I feel like Thanksgiving gets the short end of the holiday stick. In 21st Century America it is treated as nothing more than the kickoff to the commercialized Christmas season. I am not excessively offended by that, but I also think Thanksgiving deserves some love. It isn’t quite as special these days since my mother and grandparents are gone and I usually go out to eat alone instead of having the old fashioned family feast at home, but I do have my own little checklist for the big day. I still love to watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, even if it does strike me as being a lot hokier now than when I was a kid. Being a huge football fan I appreciate the fact that there are always a couple of NFL games with the Dallas Cowboys & Detroit Lions facing off against various opponents and sometimes there is even a college game or two. And to top everything off I like to watch the 1987 Steve Martin/John Candy classic Planes, Trains, & Automobiles, which is the world’s best…and maybe only…Thanksgiving movie.

 

 

A Holiday Inn & White Christmas Double Feature

I’m an old-fashioned guy, and no time of the year lends itself to kickin’ it old school better than Christmas. One of the things I could never do but would love to have the talent for is singing and dancing. I envy people who can entertain a crowd with song & dance, and that is what these two films are all about. The plots themselves are secondary to watching Bing Crosby, Fred Astaire, Rosemary Clooney, & Danny Kaye display their inimitable talents. It’s such a shame that films like these are not made or barely appreciated anymore. I have two teenage nephews and I’d be surprised if they’d watch either of these for longer than 10 minutes before wanting to play some inane video game or watch “reality” television. That’s fine…to each their own. As for me, I will anxiously await AMC’s showing of these two films, during which I will dim the lights, snuggle with Rocco under a warm blanket, and drink a mug of piping hot cocoa overflowing with marshmallows.

 

 

Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town

Rudolph & Frosty get all the love, but among the plethora of classic, Rankin-Bass produced, stop motion animated holiday specials this one deserves some props as well. Starring the voices of Mickey Rooney, Fred Astaire, & Keenan Wynn, it’s a unique Santa Claus origin story with one of the most memorably named villains ever, Mayor Burgermeister Meisterburger. It’s usually on ABC Family a few times.

 

 

 

Christmas on The Food Network

I am addicted to The Food Network. I can’t actually cook all that well myself, but I sure do get a kick out of watching pros who know their way around a kitchen whip up a plethora of edible delights that look quite tasty on TV. The holiday season provides folks like Bobby Flay, Rachael Ray, Giada De Laurentiis, and Emeril Lagasse several weeks to wow the viewers with all kinds of festive ideas & recipes. Yummo!!

 

 

 

 

Made-for-Television Holiday Movies

We are all familiar with the big screen classics that debuted in the theaters decades ago and now grace our television screens each & Christmas season. However, there are a lot of other lesser known holiday films available for our viewing pleasure every year. Channels like Hallmark, ABC Family, and Lifetime (Television for Women) produce new made-for-TV flicks all the time and replay several that have evidently gotten good ratings. You won’t see many big stars, great production values, or even very good stories, but you’ll be entertained, maybe have a laugh or two, and possibly get your heart tugged on a bit.

 

 

Miracle on 34th St.

This is a fantastic way to kick off the holiday season!! The beginning of the film incorporates the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade into the story, so it is usually amongst the first Christmas movies I watch. It used to be on NBC immediately following the parade every year, but then they started showing a dog show instead. However, if my sources are correct then NBC is showing it on Thanksgiving this year again!! I know that most of us (unless there are young crumb crunchers out there with an odd addiction to The Manofesto) understand the truth about Santa Claus, but I also think that most of us retain…dare I say…an inner child that we love to bring out during the holidays. Even if we know the real deal with Santa there is something charming about the idea that he may actually exist.

 

 

 

Mannheim Steamroller & Trans-Siberian Orchestra

I love all sorts of music and I really enjoy Christmas carols. I have to give a shout out to my friend Greg and The Godfather of Conservatism Rush Limbaugh for introducing me to these two groups, both of which put a distinctive spin on traditional holiday tunes. They are each a unique mix of orchestral & progressive synthesized music, with TSO having more of a rock edge. Once one is familiar with their singular styles it becomes instantly recognizable when heard on the radio or the sound system at your local shopping center. Both groups have done tunes other than Christmas songs, but it is the latter for which they are best known & loved and that has become an integral part of my yuletide merriment.

 

 

Elf

The new kid on the block in the pantheon of beloved Christmas films is 2003’s Elf, starring Will Ferrell as an orphan who accidentally ends up in Santa’s bag on Christmas Eve and grows up at the North Pole think he is…you guessed it…an elf. He learns the truth and sets out to New York City to find his real father, who just happens to be a grumpy book publisher who is on Santa’s Naughty List. Ferrell is hysterically funny and nails the childlike vibe one may assume would mark an elven personality, and James Caan is the curmudgeonly Dad. This is one of Ferrell’s best roles, and it is amazing just how quickly Elf has taken its place amongst the annual holiday classics. I do have a concern about possible overexposure, because USA Network shows the film a lot starting even before Thanksgiving.

 

 

Christmas Unwrapped on The History Channel

Okay, so I am kind of a nerd. I love history, and I love Christmas, so this is a perfect marriage of the two. It explores the origins of the holiday, various symbols like the Christmas tree, and how the celebration has evolved over the centuries from a strictly holy day to 18th century rabble rousing to the modern bent toward consumerism. There is a lot of interesting input from a variety of experts in history, religion, and folklore, and it is all narrated by the soothing voice of newsman Harry Smith. I don’t mind being educated at the same time as I am being entertained. Your mileage may vary.

 

 

Home Alone & Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

MacCaulay Caulkin seems to have followed the same path as a lot of child stars…overnight fame at a very young age, followed by years of personal & legal issues that were tabloid fodder for the jaded, voyeuristic masses, and eventually relative obscurity. However, for just a little while each holiday season he is simply that precocious and insufferably cute little boy that was inadvertently ditched by his family (twice) and left to fend for himself at Christmas time. The original came in at #12 on my Favorite Movies list, while the sequel ranked #37. I fondly recall watching the original when it first started airing on television in the early 90’s with my oldest nephew (who is now in college). We laughed so hard at the cartoon violence when little Kevin is “defending his house” against bumbling burglars Harry & Marv that tears were streaming down our faces. I don’t laugh quite as much now, but these two films are still virtual comfort food. The second isn’t quite as good as the first, but the two still need to be connected and viewed, preferably together.

 

 

The Ref

If one checks The Vault and peruses my Top 100 Favorite Movies series it becomes obvious that I adore Christmas films. I believe somewhere around a dozen made the cut. Checking in at #28 is The Ref, an overlooked 1994 offering starring Kevin Spacey and Denis Leary. The story revolves around a thief who takes a bickering couple hostage on Christmas Eve and regrets it tremendously since they and their crazy family drive him nuts. For some reason The Ref has never quite entered the well-known pantheon of traditional holiday movies, but I have adored it since the first time I rented the video over 15 years ago. It’s rather difficult to find on TV but well worth the rental.

 

 

Chocolate Chip Cookies, Peanut Butter Balls, Peanut Butter Fudge, Hot Chocolate, Wassail, Eggnog, & Pita Piata

Let’s face it…food is an important part of the Christmas season. Even the most steadfast of dieters throw their weight loss goals aside for the holidays. And depending on cultural influences and what our families prepared when we were kids, we all have our particular favorites. Chocolate chip cookies are great any time of year, but when I was young both my mother and her mother always made a huge batch right after Thanksgiving, enough to last until New Year’s, so chocolate chip cookies always remind me of Christmas. My grandmother also always made a big ol’ turn of fudge and peanut butter balls as well. On my Dad’s side of the family I was introduced to pita piata, and Italian dessert that is basically a nut roll containing brandy soaked raisins amongst a host of other tasty ingredients. Pita piata is native to the small village of San Giovanni i Fiore in Calabria, Italy, where my great grandparents immigrated from at the turn of the 20th century. As far as beverages go, who doesn’t like hot chocolate?? And what drink is as identified with Christmas as eggnog?? You may have also heard the old Christmas carol Here We Come A Wassailing. There is actually a beverage called wassail, and the best way I can describe it is that it tastes like liquid apple pie. We usually enjoy some wassail after the folks from church trek through my small hometown caroling.

 

 

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

Firmly entrenched as one of America’s favorite holiday classics is 1989’s third offering in the adventures of the wacky Griswold clan, led by the bumbling stumbling Chevy Chase himself. It’s hard to believe that it’s been over two decades since this one originally hit theaters. As I said when I rated Christmas Vacation #6 on my Favorite Movies list, this isn’t high art. It’s mindless entertainment & harmless fun, and it’s something I look forward to every year.

 

 

 

Reading Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol

There is no shortage of movie adaptations of Dickens’ tale about mean old Ebenezer Scrooge who is visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve and shown the error of his ways. There are a few classic B&W films from the mid-20th century, a “motion capture” animated feature starring Jim Carrey made just a couple years ago, loose interpretations like Bill Murray’s Scrooged or the popular cartoon Mickey’s Christmas Carol, and a particularly well done 90’s TV movie starring Star Trek:TNG’s Patrick Stewart. All of these are perfectly delightful. However, might I suggest the following: On some chilly December evening, take Dickens’ novella off the bookshelf, settle down into a comfortable chair or couch, and read the book!! Last year I discovered a wonderful trick to enhance the experience. The Bachelor Palace doesn’t have a fireplace, but somewhere on the television there is a wonderful channel that is nothing but an endless loop of a roaring, crackling, very peaceful fire. So now I dim the lights (except for what I am going to use to read by), grab a warm beverage, burrow myself under a blanket, and read A Christmas Carol in front of a 40 inch high definition fireplace.

 

 

The Polar Express

While Home Alone has fond memories that I associate with my oldest nephew, The Polar Express hearkens a memory connected to my younger nephew. He was about 7 years old when the movie hit theaters and I decided to take him to see it. I think I was much more enthralled than he was to be honest. 7 year olds have a bit of an issue sitting still for almost two hours. At any rate, I fell in love with this film and my fondness has only grown in the ensuing years. The Polar Express was really the first movie that brought motion capture technology to the forefront, and it is so unique and so different that one is left with an indelible imprint on the brain. It also allows for things like Tom Hanks portraying half dozen different characters, which is pretty cool. When ranking The Polar Express #16 on my Favorite Movies list I referred to it as “whimsical, magical, and hauntingly beautiful” and said that it embodied the indefinable Christmas spirit.  A few years ago I was spending some post-surgery time in my 2nd “skilled” nursing facility in less than 2 years. It was in late November/early December, and after a kind soul hooked me up with a very small television one of the first things I was able to watch was The Polar Express. This particular period of time was amongst the saddest, most depressing of my entire life, and I will always be forever grateful that this fantastic movie helped pull me from the abyss.

 

 

A Charlie Brown Christmas

Not too long ago I read a really interesting biography of Charles Schultz, the creator of the Peanuts comic strip. I was never really a comic book fan, but I always enjoyed the comics in the Sunday paper, and felt a certain kinship with loveable loser Charlie Brown. It wasn’t until I read the Schultz book that I realized all the ups & downs and insecurities in his life and how much they influenced his work, and really began to understand why I always liked Charlie Brown. Several classic animated TV specials were made based on Peanuts, including A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving and It’s The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown, but at Christmas time there isn’t anything much cooler than A Charlie Brown Christmas. The story has Charlie Brown having a problem finding the Christmas spirit, the main issue being one that isn’t uncommon in Christmas stories…the overt commercialization of the holiday. Eventually he finds what he is looking for with the help of his blanket toting pal Linus, whose simple rendition of the biblical Christmas story found in Luke 2:8-14 is awesome since we live in such a PC world where every effort is made to appease Islam while spitting all over Christianity. Even back in the 60’s when the special was made corporate TV types wanted Schultz to remove the Bible passage, but he absolutely refused. After reading the aforementioned biography and knowing how devout Schultz was I understand why he took such a strong stance, and I have the utmost respect for the man because of it. As with other classic specials that have aired annually for decades, A Charlie Brown Christmas obviously resonates with the viewing public, and it is certainly an important part of my Christmas season.

 

 

The 24/7 Christmas Carol Radio Station

I love Christmas carols. I never ever get tired of them during the holiday season. In the archives here at The Manofesto you can find a two part ditty where I rank my all-time favorite carols. I think there are basically about two dozen carols, but they’ve all been covered by so many artists in every imaginable music genre that it seems like there are hundreds of them. At any rate, the day after Thanksgiving one of the local rock stations on my radio dial begins playing nothing but Christmas music 24 hours/day, and I think it is marvelous. I am sure stations nationwide do something similar. I really only listen to the radio when I am in my truck, and since I don’t travel all that much and have a short commute to work maybe that explains why I don’t tire of the endless caroling. It always kind of makes me sad when the station goes back to playing crappy pop music immediately after midnight on Christmas night.

 

 

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer & Frosty the Snowman

When something is shown annually on television for nearly 50 years then it has obviously made a significant impression on a whole heck of a lot of people. I am secure enough in my masculinity to proudly proclaim that I look forward to watching these two animated specials each Christmas season. Rudolph is based on the song of the same name, written in 1949 by Johnny Marks, who was inspired by his brother-in-law Robert May’s creation of Rudolph for a Montgomery Ward advertising campaign in 1939. The stop motion animated special began airing in 1964, and I’d venture to guess that the vast majority of the population has watched it hundreds of times. Cowboy Gene Autry recorded Frosty the Snowman in 1950, and after the success of the Rudolph animated special Rankin-Bass took Autry’s song and made it into another stop motion classic in 1969. I’m not quite as fond of Frosty as I am Rudolph because let’s face it…little Karen and Professor Hinkle can’t quite compete with Herbie the Elf, Yukon Cornelius, and my favorites, The Island of Misfit Toys. However, both of these shows are absolute must-see-TV for me during the holidays.

 

 

 

Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas

The Grinch utilizes more traditional animation than Rudolph, Frosty, and The Polar Express, but that’s okay. Simplicity can be good too. I’ve always sort of wondered what kind of substances Dr. Seuss may have been imbibing, because I’ve never seen an amalgamation of prose & poetry quite like the turns of phrase that made him famous. The Grinch was first published in 1957, and this holiday classic first started airing in 1966. The Grinch is a character whose disdain for Christmas seems very similar to Charles Dickens’ creation Ebenezer Scrooge, and who is similarly redeemed by a sudden change of heart. I don’t know if Dr. Seuss was inspired by Dickens and just decided to simplify the story for children, but it’s an intriguing theory. There is a powerful moment near the end of the story when, despite The Grinch having stolen all their Christmas trees, presents, and even their food, The Whos down in Whoville arise on Christmas morning and still sing, or make a joyful noise, if you will. It’s such a simple yet potent reminder of what Christmas isn’t. I think we forget that sometimes and need to watch this little cartoon to be reminded.

 

 

24 Hours of A Christmas Story

The older I get the more I embrace the nostalgic impact of Christmas, because really, all of us enjoy feeling like a child again sometimes even if there is a tinge of sadness involved. Nothing embodies this wistfulness quite as well as 1983’s A Christmas Story. It is my #5 Favorite Movie and for most folks under a certain age maybe the most popular holiday movie of all time. In the late 90’s TBS/TNT (it goes back & forth) started running a 24 hour marathon from 8pm on Christmas Eve until 8pm Christmas night. What an awesome idea!! I usually catch parts of the first showing at my aunt’s house after eating our annual family fish fest, then maybe a little more after I get home from church before getting some zzz’s. On Christmas Day I catch glimpses here & there depending on where I am. And I always atleast try to watch the entire last showing, as it kind of puts a melancholy period at the end of what has been a wonderful, month long sentence.

 

 

It’s A Wonderful Life

As mentioned, for most people under a certain age…maybe 30 or 35…A Christmas Story is likely the most beloved holiday film. However, my generation grew up with various television stations showing It’s A Wonderful Life dozens of times during the yuletide season. This created one of two reactions. There was the inevitable backlash, with people beginning to hate the movie because of the endless airings (something that I see happening with atleast 2 or 3 other Christmas classics these days). Or there were people like me that came to love IAWL more & more each year. Unfortunately for us Lifers NBC “rescued” the movie from public domain back in 1993 so now we only get to see it twice a year…usually once in early December and then always on Christmas Eve. It is odd that a movie about suicide would become such a perennial Christmas favorite, but I think the central themes…friendship, family, and realizing that what you have and what your life is ain’t all that bad…really hits home with a lot of people. I know that this is a story that has always resonated deeply for me, and I wouldn’t miss it for the world this and every year.

 

 

 

 

Superfluous 7 – TV Shows Actually Worth Your Time

One of my consistent mantras over the course of the last several years is that television has become a wasteland of mediocrity. I know it is perfectly natural to have a revisionist memory and recall one’s childhood as being far more idyllic than it probably was in reality. But I don’t think my recollection of how interesting the TV landscape was 20-30 years ago as compared to today is that far from the truth. I fondly remember legendary comedies like Cheers, One Day At A Time, Happy Days, Taxi, Family Ties, and The Cosby Show, as well as well written dramas like Dallas, LA Law, Hill Street Blues, and Little House On The Prairie. I even have a soft spot for not-so-legendary shows like Three’s Company, The Love Boat, The Dukes of Hazzard, Newhart, The A-Team, Night Court, Who’s The Boss?, and ALF. I could probably name dozens more memorable shows. I almost feel sorry for today’s generation of kids. They flip through the channels and are faced with a glut of “reality” shows that in no way represent anything real, kicked up action programming where death and mayhem reign supreme & sc-fi is bastardized beyond recognition, and animated fare that just further emphasizes society’s descent into depravity, crude behavior, Godlessness, and disrespect toward our fellow man. It is amazing that we have hundreds more channels available now but far less quality programming. However, if one looks in the right places at the right times there still are some interesting, informative, eminently watchable shows on your television. And since I am here to not only entertain but to educate, it is my pleasure to give you…..

 

 

 

from the home office in Monkey’s Eyebrow, Arizona…..

 

 

 

The Superfluous 7 TV Shows Actually Worth Your Time:

 

 

7 Man vs. Food

Strangely enough, this show is NOT on The Food Network. Now I love me some Food Network (Alton Brown is interesting and informative, Giada De Laurentiis is just plain smokin’ hot, and a plethora of other shows satisfy any foodie’s entertainment appetite), but amongst the abundance of food-centric fare on television, Man vs. Food stands out. The basic premise is that the host visits a city and takes on one of those infamous gigantic food challenges, the kind where one attempts to consume enough food to choke a horse within a limited window of time, all so they can get a crappy t-shirt or have their picture placed on a wall in the restaurant for the masses and posterity to celebrate.  I’ve watched Adam (the host) try to defeat such precipitous tests of will as a 12 pound hamburger, an 11 pound pizza, 15 dozen oysters, a 7 pound breakfast burrito, a 2 gallon ice cream sundae, and all manner of inhumanly hot wings. He is successful in his quest about 60% of the time, but that’s not really the point. If all there was to this show was the ginormous food feats of craziness I probably wouldn’t be all that interested. To be honest watching someone try to eat such epic portions of food can make one a little uncomfortable and concerned for the host’s health. However, what I find so cool about Man vs. Food is the celebration of food and the spotlight it shines on local eateries that many have never heard of but might now be inspired to check out. I don’t travel as much as I’d prefer, but when I do I try to stay away from chain restaurants and things I can have any time right in my own back yard. I like to venture out ever so gently onto a limb. After watching Man vs. Food I now know of hidden gems I should seek out if I ever find myself in places like Durham NC, Boise ID, or Amarillo TX. There are other shows on TV that do some of the same investigative work, but I find Adam accessible, like a guy me and my buddies might hang out with and share a pitcher of brew. Man vs. Food airs on The Travel Channel. Check your local listings.

 

 

6 It’s Me Or the Dog

I became the proud master of a puppy…an adorable pug…about a year and a half ago. The first few months were a bit trying, as I had never trained a dog before and circumstances make it somewhat difficult to do so in the manner most others might go about the task. I read everything I could find online and elsewhere, and sought the counsel of knowledgeable friends. But one of the biggest sources of assistance and pleasure during that time became this little gem of a show. Most people have heard of and many rave about The Dog Whisperer Caesar Milan, and he is quite helpful and just fine by me. However, I am drawn much more to Victoria Stilwell. I am perfectly aware that her hot dominatrix aura likely reaches some sort of latent sexual yearning deep within me. After all, coquettish British minx vs. middle aged Latin animal pseudo-psychologist is an easy choice for a relatively young and virile single man. Putting all that aside though, I find Victoria’s methods and the people she deals with on her show much more relatable and entertaining. Does she tend to oversimplify things a bit?? Probably. But not nearly as much as Milan, who in my opinion just makes dog owners look stupid and incompetent. Sure he’s got a special gift, but that does me and almost everyone else no good because we don’t have that gift. It reminds me of college, where there were professors who were experts in their field and could not seem to grasp why no one else found the subject so simple, and then there were professors who appeared to realize they were dealing with a bunch of kids who had probably been out until 3am partying up a storm and were not automatically brilliant scholars just because they had pulled off the task of gaining entry into a university. Victoria is that type of understanding teacher, and trust me…she needs to be. The dog owners on this show are oftentimes hilarious in a pathetically aggravating sort of way, but somehow they usually manage to learn atleast a few techniques to make their lives easier. It’s Me or The Dog airs on Animal Planet, and I encourage all dog lovers to check it out.

 

 

5 How It’s Made

On your menu of hundreds of television stations there is something called The Science Channel. Now do not get this mixed up with The SyFy Channel, which has strayed so far from its original premise that it’s not even spelled correctly and the highest rated program is professional wrestling. The Science Channel is part of The Discovery Channel family, as so many of the best networks seem to be (TLC, Animal Planet, The Travel Channel). How It’s Made takes us inside various factories and shows the mass production process for a plethora of products, from foodstuffs like cereal and beer, to household items like washers, light bulbs and batteries, to more unusual things like slot machines and artificial Christmas trees. This is exactly the kind of show that I would have skipped right past in my younger days. Science was only slightly less tedious than math when I was a student. But somewhere along the line my intellectual curiosity branched out and the way the world (and the stuff in it) works began to be an appealing topic of informal study and observation. I blame mundane teachers who are somehow unable to grab the attention of kids and show them what a fascinating universe God has provided. Anyway, How It’s Made isn’t a fancy show with a lot of bells and whistles. It’s straightforward and very minimalist. But I look at it like one should view a good steak…..if the meat is high quality and tastes good then it does not need to be enhanced with sauces and other garnish. I would like to take this opportunity to say that another show was in the running for this spot but was disqualified because it is no longer in production. John Ratzenberger, better known as Cliff the know-it-all mailman from Cheers, used to host a program on The Travel Channel called Made In America, which was basically the same sort of thing except it highlighted only factories in the United States and had Ratzenberger instead of a narrator.

 

 

4 Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations

I have come to terms with the fact that, because of various monetary, lifestyle, and personal circumstances there are a lot of places in the world I would like to visit but never will. While some may consider it sad to live vicariously through television, I choose to embrace the fact that technology allows us to realize that there is a huge world outside of the confines of our small individual lives, and sometimes permits us to take a pretty fascinating ride all while dressed in cozy jammies in the comforts of our own abode. My philosophy is that if you are going to waste time in front of the “idiot box” then why not try to learn something and have it be a somewhat enlightening experience instead of wallowing in just how far into the abyss our society has sunk. At any rate, Anthony Bourdain is a master chef who, in this series, travels the globe and shows the viewer the real deal about the food and culture of various locales. He is dismissive of the normal tourist traps, going beneath the surface to seek the authentic aspects of what makes a place unique. Bourdain himself isn’t your normal television pretty boy. He’s a subversive, slightly contentious, crusty curmudgeon who makes no secret about his hard drinking, drug induced, very colorful past. He tells it like it is and if people don’t like it that’s too bad. On the flip side though, his genuine affection for food and average, hard working, real people is obvious, and his edgy sense of humor is infectious. No Reservations has explored familiar destinations like New York City, Vegas, Italy, London, Chicago, and Hawaii, but there have also been shows about such out of the way places as Ghana, Sri Lanka, Iceland, and Uzbekistan, which is apparently an actual country and not one of those places they used to fictionalize on The West Wing. I promise you this is unlike any foodie show you’ve ever watched. So light up a smoke, pour yourself a glass of single malt scotch or top shelf whiskey, and find Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations on The Travel Channel. You won’t be sorry.

 

 

3 Mike & Mike In the Morning

Anyone who knows me even the slightest bit knows I am a huge sports fan. And any sports fan knows that television and radio are chock full of folks whose job goes far beyond just reporting scores and reviewing highlights. As a matter of fact I wish sports talk radio would have been so ubiquitous back in the 70’s and 80’s when I was growing up because I am almost certain that after spending hours listening to some jackass yuk it up and discuss sports  and realizing that he was getting paid for it my career path would have been set at a very young age and my life would be dramatically different right now. Unfortunately for me such shows on radio and television did not come along until it was too late to change my precipitous descent into middle class mediocrity, so now all I can do is enjoy them as a fan and, for the present moment, write (for no money) about one in particular on my (free) blog. That one that stands above the rest is Mike & Mike In the Morning, broadcast on ESPN Radio and simulcast on ESPN2, aka The Deuce, every weekday. Now another little factoid about me is that I am by no stretch of the imagination a morning person. I don’t really get into the zone until noon-ish and my finest hours are usually between 10pm and 4am. So for me to enjoy a show that is broadcast from 6-10am it must be very cool indeed. The hosts, sports journalist/everyman Mike Greenberg (aka Greeny) and former journeyman NFL defensive lineman Mike Golic are the sporting world’s Odd Couple. Golic is a man’s man, tough and rough around the edges…a more family friendly Al Bundy. Greeny is a nerdy, wimpy, metrosexual that one can just picture driving the kids in the minivan to church and then out for ice cream afterward. The mix works perfectly. The show can be goofy and irreverent, but also is plenty meaty when it comes to actually covering the sports stories du jour. The guys have plenty of guests on to chat about all aspects of a topic and do so professionally and thoroughly while still having plenty of fun. A lot of sports talk shows have competing hosts or contributors who try to become the center of attention by shouting the loudest or exhibiting the most attitude. I don’t need that kind of diva mentality or arrogance. I like Mike and Mike because they are genuine…..genuinely passionate about their love of sports and genuinely affable in reporting the daily events in the sports world. The program does last 4 hours, and it can occasionally get repetitive, especially if there is one dominant story. Sometimes they will rehash at 8 what they opened the show with at 6. But that’s okay, because I know if I don’t tune in right at the beginning or can’t watch the full four hours I might not miss too much.

 

 

2 Pawn Stars

I have to give a shout out to my good friend The Owl for introducing me to this show. It has quickly become one of my favorites. There seem to be two different types of reality shows on TV. What most people think of as reality shows are pure poppycock like The Bachelor, Project Runway, The Biggest Loser, and Wife Swap. But there is a better class of reality…stuff like Deadliest Catch, Ice Road Truckers (which almost made this list), Ax Men, and Dirty Jobs. Maybe these are classified as “documentary” shows?? I don’t know. However they are labeled though, an intelligent person will instantly know the difference. At the top of the class for me is The History Channel’s Pawn Stars, which takes us inside a family owned Las Vegas pawn shop, shows how the business works, and has the family dynamic as an added bonus. The family is three generations of the Harrisons…The Old Man, his son Rick, and Rick’s son Cory (who they try to put over as Big Hoss, but it seems like a forced nickname that no one really uses). Also along for the ride is Cory’s best bud and fellow employee Chumley, referred to often as the village idiot. The format of each show is pretty standard…someone comes in with some very odd or theoretically very old item that they want to sell (very few people want to pawn things on this show, which is interesting), Rick doesn’t know if it’s authentic or how much it’s worth or how much might need to be spent on repair and restoration so he “knows a guy” who can tell him. That expert comes in and gives the pawn shop crew, the item’s potential seller, and we the viewers a mini history lesson. A deal is struck…or not. There are 3 or 4 of these little storylines interspersed throughout the thirty minute program. As you might imagine, precious air time is not wasted on some college student wanting to ditch his outdated herringbone gold necklace for beer money or someone who just lost their job and needs to hock all the junk in their house to pay the mortgage. These stories need to be interesting to keep our attention, so the items we see being brought into the shop are things like Civil War weapons, American Revolution era currency, 1970’s & 80’s video games, mint condition classic guitars, and all kinds of vehicles…boats, motorcycles, airplanes, old cars. I can count on one hand the number of times I have ever been inside a pawn shop in my life, but I am smart enough to realize that it’s not always that interesting. Kudos though to the creators and producers of this show for taking the concept and finding a way to make it absolutely mesmerizing. The interaction between the guys is great. When I eventually make it to Vegas I will be stopping at The Gold & Silver Pawn Shop to meet The Old Man, Rick, and Chumley. Cory seems like kind of a tool.

 

 

1 Modern Marvels

If you have ever considered yourself to have any level of intellectual curiosity, this is the show for you. If you are not frightened of technology but rather fascinated by it, this is the show for you. If you are a history buff but seek more than what your school textbooks taught you, this is the show for you. But more than anything else, this is the show for anyone who likes to feel like they’ve just sat down for an hour, relaxed, been entertained, but also learned some cool stuff and didn’t completely waste their time. Modern Marvels has been on the air for about 15 years, but I am sad to say that it is only in the past year that I have discovered its brilliance. I suppose it is yet another example of my changing tastes combined with the erosion of traditional network television into the dark void of suck. History repeats many Marvels episodes, so usually what I do is DVR several shows and then on a night when there is absolutely nothing else going on (which isn’t unusual) I have an instantly entertaining and informative backup plan. Many episodes are available from Netflix as well, which is cool. Modern Marvels has covered a vast array of subjects over the years, everything from The Brooklyn Bridge, The Golden Gate Bridge, and The Hoover Dam to the telephone, fireworks, and nuclear submarines. The topic can be a specific place or structure (Times Square, The St. Louis Arch, Disney World) or a more general, esoteric theme (water, fire, candy, ice, milk). Over 500 episodes have been produced, so a lot of ground has been covered. It is indicative of what a wonderfully intriguing world we live in, something we should embrace.