Boy Meets World

100 Memorable TV Characters…Part 1

The most corrosive piece of technology that I’ve ever seen is called television…but then again television at its best is magnificent.  –  Steve Jobs

 

 

I’ve always believed in God’s perfect timing, and have to say that with everything that has occurred recently in the world in general and The Manoverse specifically I am thankful for the distraction and the opportunity for a bit of levity. A platform like this can be many things…informative, entertaining, provocative, cathartic…for the reader as well as yours truly. Some folks paint. Others play music. Those blessed with a healthy metabolism pour out their sweat at the gym. I write. Throughout the near decade of The Manofesto’s existence I have endeavored to strike a balance between profound & frivolous, but oftentimes feel unsuccessful in that mission. For the next few days we’re going to skew toward fun because I think we could all use some of that right now. If you haven’t read the intro please go back and do so now. Otherwise…enjoy.

 

 

 

 

 

100   Sheriff Jack Carter (Eureka)

It is likely that you missed out on the quirky Eureka a few years ago, a SyFy series about a secret government project in which an entire community in the Pacific Northwest is populated by geniuses. The one exception?? Single father Jack Carter, who is chosen to be the sheriff of Eureka. But, though his IQ is just average, Sheriff Carter uses good old-fashioned horse sense to figure out the bizarre calamities that tend to befall the town on an unnervingly regular basis. Eureka lasted for five seasons from 2006-12, and I must admit that I lost track of it in the final year or two. It was a show just a little ahead of its time, as I could see it being pretty successful nowadays if it aired on Netflix, Hulu, or Amazon. Sheriff Carter stands out because a) he is a regular guy amongst all of the eccentricity surrounding him, & b) despite lacking the intellect of the others he exhibits more warmth, personality, pragmatism, & sincerity than most of the brainiacs, making him relatable to viewers.

 

99     Cody Lambert (Step by Step)

Step by Step is a 90’s twist on The Brady Bunch starring Patrick Duffy (Bobby Ewing on Dallas) & Suzanne Somers (Chrissy on Three’s Company). Dad’s nephew pops in during the first season and sticks around, living in a van in the family’s driveway. Cody is a hippy dippy valley boy that no one seems to get, but he’s too oblivious to understand that. He is portrayed by Sasha Mitchell, who had previously played Duffy’s nephew…James Ewing…on Dallas. Though he may be quite versatile as an actor Mitchell was quietly booted from the show in its 4th season after being accused of domestic abuse (the charges were later dropped). As a show Step by Step was an amusing yet bland offering typical of the kind of kid-friendly sitcoms ABC churned out in the 90’s (Full House being the most famous example), and was meant to mark big TV comebacks for Duffy & Somers. However, it was Cody Lambert that stood out from the pack.

 

98     Hank Hill (King of the Hill)

You may be surprised to know that I could probably count on one hand the number of episodes that I have ever watched of three decades old animated sitcom The Simpsons, so you won’t be seeing Bart or Homer on this list. It’s been so long ago that I don’t even recall why High School Me never became interested in that show. However, its success gave rise to similar programs, one of which is this late 90’s program that lasted for an impressive 13 seasons (full disclosure…my interest faded about halfway thru that run for some reason). Hank Hill is the patriarch of a middle class Texas family and the assistant manager of a propane store. I like Hank because he’s just a regular guy, an old-fashioned conservative with a strict moral code who is befuddled by the craziness that surrounds him. Unlike so many sitcom Dads he isn’t a total fool with a wandering eye and poor parenting skills. He’s not buff & sexy, but his wife loves him anyway. Hank Hill is exactly the kind of citizen in “flyover country” that the socio-intellectual elites in certain cultural epicenters like to ridicule, but as Jimmy Stewart once said, such folks “do most of the working and paying and living and dying” in this country, and occasionally it’s nice to see pop culture acknowledge that fact.

 

97     Lowell Mather (Wings)

Wings is an underappreciated 90’s sitcom from the same folks who created Cheers and Frasier, about two brothers operating a small airline on Nantucket, a small island that is part of Massachusetts and is where that girl in all the dirty jokes hails from. One of the employees at Sandpiper Air is airplane mechanic Lowell. He is a dimwitted sad sack, especially after he discovered his wife cheating on him & his houseboat got sank, but he usually has the best one-liners. When the actor decided to leave the show during its 7th season Lowell is forced into witness protection after seeing a mob hit, a plot that only skillful sitcom writers could make funny.

 

96     Topanga Lawrence (Boy Meets World)

Okay, I’ll admit it…I’m a dirty old man that thought Topanga was kind of hot in the latter seasons of Boy Meets World. Aside from that though, she has a cool name (taken from a real life canyon between Los Angeles & Malibu), she’s got a hippie/New Age vibe that I’d find irritating in reality but works really well in a sitcom, & is the kind of girl that stays true to herself and doesn’t back down from a challenge. JK Rowling got the inspiration for Harry Potter in 1990 and published the first book in 1995. Boy Meets World premiered in 1993. Hermione Granger reminds me more than a little of Topanga Lawrence. It does make one wonder…..

 

95     Steve Urkel (Family Matters)

Trust me ladies & gentlemen, I debated whether or not to leave him out just on principle, because it’s probably a damning indictment of our culture that Urkel was ever a thing. But he was a thing, and I cannot in good conscience ignore it. Family Matters was supposed to be a spinoff of Perfect Strangers centering on the Winslow family…elevator operator Harriet, policeman Carl, Harriet’s sister & nephew, Carl’s elderly mother, and Carl & Harriet’s two kids Eddie & Laura. But during Season 1 nerdy next door neighbor Urkel popped over for a visit and the rest is history. The show lasted for nine seasons, but the truth is that without the inexplicable popularity of Urkel it probably wouldn’t have made it half as long.

 

94     Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, & Miranda (Sex & the City)

For the first fifteen years of the new millennium The Bachelor Palace had HBO, until I discovered that Netflix was less expensive and way cooler. During those years I enjoyed…to varying degrees…watching shows like Lucky Louie, Entourage, Six Feet Under, The Mind of the Married Man, & Big Love. And, while I skipped acclaimed mob drama The Sopranos, I somehow became enamored with Sex & the City. It doesn’t feel right to rank one character over another, as they have their individual charms. Writer Carrie Bradshaw is the centerpiece & narrator. She’s a somewhat vain fashionista, but can also be sensitive & thoughtful. Samantha Jones is an oversexed & outspoken PR executive. I definitely wouldn’t call her a role model for women, but I guess her confidence could be considered…inspirational. Charlotte York is a perky yet timid WASP who works at an art gallery. She’s much less shallow & jaded than her pals and eventually finds happiness with her Jewish divorce attorney. Miranda Hobbes is an uptight & cynical lawyer. She has an on again/off again relationship with a nerdy bartender named Steve, with whom she shares a child. There was a brief moment in time, at the height of the show’s popularity, when I felt like there were too many women watching this show and trying to emulate these four characters, with the issue being that they are a) so far away from reality it’s laughable, & b) not really the kind of people that anyone should ever model themselves after. Having said that, their influence cannot be denied and I can understand why they might be considered pop culture feminist icons.

 

93     Bill McNeal (NewsRadio)

Y’all know that I consider NewsRadio to be one of the more underrated sitcoms of the past couple of decades. Its biggest star was arguably SNL alum Phil Hartman, whose portrayal of a conceited blowhard news anchor is hilarious. Despite his arrogance Bill isn’t nearly as intelligent as he’d like people to believe, and he oftentimes treats his colleagues dismissively though he seems to think of them as close pals. Hartman’s tragic death in 1998 was also a fatal blow to NewsRadio, which had to fill the gap in the cast with Jon Lovitz in the fifth season, which…not surprisingly…was its last.

 

92     Flo Castleberry (Alice)

Kiss my grits!! That refrain from the most opinionated waitress at Mel’s Diner still has staying power forty years later. Flo left Alice halfway thru its run to star in a spinoff, but that show only lasted two seasons.

 

91     Mary Katherine Gallagher (Saturday Night Live)

Saturday Night Live has had a plethora of humorous recurring characters in its four+ decades, but only a few really stand the test of time. Mary Katherine is an apparently bipolar Catholic school girl with rage issues and poor social etiquette. She habitually puts her hands in her armpits then smells her fingers, recites Shakespeare-esque monologues quoting obscure movies & TV shows, crashes thru furniture, and then plays it all off by triumphantly declaring herself a “”Superstar!”. The character got its own standalone film in 1999, but I never saw it, and judging by its 32% Rotten Tomatoes score one can assume I’m not missing anything.

 

90     Al Bundy (Married with Children)

Married with Children began a wave of change in sitcoms as they evolved from the fairly wholesome & charming shows that I grew up with and began to embrace a more lewd, harsh, & cynical vibe. Even as a teenager I understood this transformation and didn’t particularly care for it, so I never became a fan of the show. However, thru the prism of time and after running across video clips here & there the past few years I have to give credit where credit is due…Al Bundy is pretty hysterical. A terrible husband?? Yes. An awful father?? Sure. A bad employee?? Obviously. Al certainly is no role model, but I get why fans of the show think he was really funny. If you see a dysfunctional family or poor parent on TV today they owe it all to Married with Children. Perhaps that’s not the most positive legacy…but it’s something.

 

89     Eric Matthews (Boy Meets World)

Feeny? Fa-fa-fa-fa-feeny! Feenay! Fee-hee-heenay!

In one hilarious instant The Feeny Call became legendary and Eric Matthews…the older brother of Cory & a supporting character no one expected much from…bellowed himself into television history. In another episode…set in a future where Cory & his pals have drifted apart…Eric shows up as a bearded hermit calling himself Plays With Squirrels who has figured out the secret of life, which is apparently “lose one friend, lose all friends, lose yourself”. I quickly lost interest in the sequel series Girl Meets World a few years ago (not that I was the target demo anyway), but perhaps if they’d done a spinoff featuring Eric it would have been more successful.

 

88     Dr. John Becker (Becker)

From 2006 to 2008 my life was pretty much put on hold due to an ulcer on my tailbone. I’ve spoken of it at other times here at The Manofesto so I’ll skip all the specifics now. At any rate, during that time I watched a lot of TV and discovered Becker, which had aired on CBS for six seasons from 1998-2004. I always enjoyed Ted Danson on Cheers, so I’m not sure how I missed his big television comeback, but atleast it was there for me in syndication a few years later. The titular character is a doctor who runs a small practice in The Bronx. Dr. Becker is a grumpy malcontent who is easily annoyed by just about everyone & everything, but underneath his constant state of irritability he’s a good guy who does whatever he can to help his patients & his friends. I’m not sure I’d actually get along with someone like Dr. Becker since he leans left and seems to be an atheist or atleast agnostic, but I’m all in on his bewilderment at the craziness & stupidity one seems to run across all too often nowadays.

 

87     Endora (Bewitched)

For various reasons I am a little hesitant to give any sort of kudos to a witch, but let’s be honest…Endora was pretty cool. She is a unique interpretation of the stereotypical mother-in-law, as her entire purpose on the show seems to be to disapprove of her daughter’s marriage to a mortal and make lame attempts to break up Samantha & Darrin (who she constantly insults & always calls Derwood). Of course her schemes hilariously backfire.

 

86     Mr. McMahon (WWE)

Let’s take an excursion off the beaten path. Yes I am aware that professional wrestling is pre-determined & choreographed. It is a soap opera for men. And I realize that everybody involved…wrestlers, announcers, managers, referees…is playing a character. But, though it would be a gargantuan task and detract from our mission to get into evaluating the merits of the dozens of unforgettable grapplers that have stepped inside the squared circle in my lifetime, we need to recognize the owner & CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment. Vince McMahon bought the WWF from his father in 1982 and was known to most “marks” simply as a TV commentator. But in 1997 he inserted himself into storylines as a “heel”, basically portraying a larger-than-life version of the kind of evil boss that we’ve all had at one time or another. In the past two decades he’s been booed & cheered, gotten in the ring and mixed it up with wrestlers twice his size & half his age, and even battled his own family. These days wrestling fans often question Vince McMahon’s behind the scenes decisions, but Mr. McMahon can still get a good pop from the crowd, especially since his appearances are much more sporadic than they once were.

 

85     Charles Ingalls (Little House on the Prairie)

When I was a kid I loved Little House, although I’ve never read the books on which the show was based. The patriarch of the Ingalls clan is Charles, a hardworking farmer. Throughout the series Charles is portrayed as a solid husband & father who does his best to take care of his family and raise his children right. He is a generous, tranquil, vulnerable yet tough man of faith, the kind of person anyone would be happy to have as a friend, employee, & neighbor.

 

84     Elaine Benes (Seinfeld)

Jerry Seinfeld is a talented writer & comedian, but his acting chops are…less than impressive. However, though you will not be seeing Jerry’s interpretation of a fictionalized version of himself on this list you will see three of his buddies, starting with former girlfriend Elaine. NBC felt that the show, as originally constructed, was too guy centered and asked that a female be added to the cast. Elaine & Jerry had dated at some previous point in time but had settled on being “just friends”. She’s no shrinking violet, routinely standing up to the guys and literally pushing them around. We all know women like Elaine. They’re quite feminine & not tomboys by any means, but they just seem to mesh better with men and don’t really have many gal pals. Elaine is self-confident, brash, intelligent, & just as neurotic as her friends. Much like Jerry she is shallow and difficult to please, meaning she bounces in & out of relationships looking for something she’ll probably never find. She is educated and somewhat professionally successful, though she does have multiple jobs over the course of nine years. I’m not sure I would call Elaine a role model, but she was a welcome addition to the Seinfeld wolfpack and gave us many hilarious moments.

 

83     Gomez Addams (The Addams Family)

The Addams Family was based on cartoons originally published in The New Yorker in the mid-20th century. The family patriarch is Gomez, an eccentric & wealthy businessman who at one time was a lawyer. He enjoys fencing, smoking cigars, throwing knives, crashing toy trains, & being romantic with his wife. What many may not get about the family is that they are not monsters or any kind of supernatural beings…they are a human family who just happens to be really weird, and the fact that Gomez is supposed to be the normal one is hysterically funny. The TV show was on in syndication a lot in my childhood, and two rather entertaining feature films were produced in the early 1990’s.

 

82     Carlton Banks (The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air)

Believe it or not Will Smith isn’t the best part of his own television show. First we have to give a tip o’ the cap to the theme song. I don’t even like rap “music” but almost thirty years later I can still bust out the Fresh Prince theme. Secondly there is Will’s erudite & pompous cousin Carlton, who takes the uptight preppy stereotype to a whole new level. He’s such a nerd that as a high schooler he listens to Barry Manilow, Neil Diamond, & Michael Bolton. To be honest that makes him rather cool in my eyes because I celebrate those guys’ entire catalogues, but I get the joke. We cannot escape the fact that even into the 1990’s black families tended to be portrayed a certain way in pop culture, and the Banks family…especially Carlton…turned those pre-conceived notions upside down. Carlton’s most enduring legacy is his love for 60’s pop crooner Tom Jones. Anytime Jones’ 1965 hit It’s Not Unusual comes on he breaks out into a hysterical dance that came to be known as The Carlton, and anyone who was ever a Fresh Prince fan can probably imitate it.

 

81     Jefferson Davis “Boss” Hogg (The Dukes of Hazzard)

In recent years The Dukes of Hazzard has inexplicably become a target of maniacal political correctness in connection with debates about racism, The Civil War, & the Confederate flag, but as a kid I always loved the show and continued to watch syndicated reruns up until they became virtually extinct a few years ago. The main “villain” in Hazzard County is Boss Hogg, the influential, wealthy, & corrupt county commissioner that pretty much owns & controls everything in town. He is greedy, with a voracious appetite for power, money, & food. He and Jesse Duke are former moonshiners & old frienemies. Boss is fixated with the idea of taking possession of the Duke farm, and equally as obsessed with putting Bo & Luke Duke in prison. In almost every episode Boss hatches some kind of shady scheme to put more money in his pockets, and if he can find a way to pin a crime on the Duke Boys in the process that’s fine too. Of course in Hazzard County even the bad guys aren’t truly evil, and despite Boss Hogg’s best efforts the good guys always win and we can’t really bring ourselves to hate him. There was a laughably bad Dukes of Hazzard feature film about a decade ago, and one of the many things they got wrong was casting Burt Reynolds as Boss Hogg. Reynolds portrayed Boss as menacing & harsh…an actual bad guy, which missed the mark entirely.

 

80     Aunt Esther (Sanford & Son)

My Papaw Mano loved Sanford & Son. Whenever I’d visit my grandparents he’d watch reruns (the show’s original run ended when I was in kindergarten), which is how  I became a fan. The main antagonist is Aunt Esther, sister of long dead Elizabeth and aunt to Lamont. One of the funniest running gags of the show is Aunt Esther’s contentious relationship with her brother-in-law Fred, as the two continuously trade insults. Aunt Esther is a hardcore, Bible thumping church lady, the kind that gives churchgoers a bad image as she is constantly calling others heathens. She & Fred verbally spar in every episode in which she appears, and whenever he is confrontational with her she comes back with “Watch it Sucka!!”, sometimes swinging her purse at him in the process.

 

79     Herman Munster (The Munsters)

What do you get when you combine a wholesome family sitcom with the monster movies of the 1930’s?? The Munsters. Unlike The Addams Family, who are just normal human beings that happen to be really strange, The Munsters are actually monsters (obvious nods to Frankenstein, Dracula, The Wolfman, & Bride of Frankenstein), though they view themselves & live their lives as a typical middle class American family. The patriarch is Herman Munster, an archetypal sitcom Dad who is a good-natured, kindhearted, gentle, loveable goofball. He works at a funeral home (of course), has no concept of his own immense strength, & is clueless of the fact that he doesn’t physically look like a normal person. People routinely run screaming from Herman, frightened by his appearance, but he remains blissfully unaware that people are afraid of him.

 

78     Isaac, Doc, & Gopher (The Love Boat)

The real stars of The Love Boat were the passengers, typically portrayed by famous faces of the day, movie stars of yesteryear, & actors who would do big things in the future. However, we did have the pleasure of having (mostly) the same crew from week to week. Isaac is the bartender on the Pacific Princess, Doc is…obviously…the doctor, & Gopher is a yeoman purser. I spent a great deal of my childhood wondering exactly what in the heck a yeoman purser does, and eventually discovered that he is basically the ship’s treasurer. I’ve never been on a cruise, but I assume that the typical crew is much larger and that there are multiple bartenders, physicians, & business people among them, but for the purposes of The Love Boat this triumvirate worked really well. They interact with passengers, get involved with various storylines on a week to week basis, and are always good for a chuckle or two.

 

77     The Clampetts (The Beverly Hillbillies)

I just can’t choose one over the other. Patriarch Jed is a “poor mountaineer” from the Ozarks (either Tennessee, Arkansas, or Missouri…the show doesn’t specify) who finds oil on his land and receives a $25 million fortune for it. His elderly mother-in-law Granny is a spitfire who fancies herself an expert in home remedies. Jed’s daughter Ellie Mae is a smokin’ hot tomboy who loves animals (i.e. critters). Jethro Bodine is the dimwitted, girl crazy son of Jed’s cousin who comes along when the family moves to California. The Beverly Hillbillies is a classic rags-to-riches fish-out-of-water story made all the more entertaining by these well written characters. Being from West Virginia I have always been a bit sensitive about how “hillbillies”, “rednecks”, & “hicks” are portrayed in the media, but I am oddly unoffended by The Clampetts.

 

76     Luther Van Dam (Coach)

Not long ago we lost actor Jerry Van Dyke (brother of Dick), but thankfully we’ll always have Coach. Van Dyke had an opportunity to become part of the cast of The Andy Griffith Show when Don Knotts left, but instead chose to star in My Mother the Car, which has to secure him a place in the Bad Career Move Hall of Fame. At any rate, more than two decades later he was cast as Luther, the scatterbrained defensive coordinator for the fictional Minnesota St. Screaming Eagles. I have serious doubts about Luther’s football prowess, but he is perfect as the standard loyal sidekick/best friend, and usually has the funniest moments.

 

 

 

 

Let’s take a break. We’ll dive into Part 2 tomorrow. Or the next day *lol*.

The Sammy Awards 2012 – Part 3: From Appalachia With Love

Resin-Trophies-1348257350204Welcome back to Part 3 of the 2012 Sammys. I hope you have enjoyed Part 1 and Part 2 and 34111_clint0gswill join us in the next day or so for the exciting conclusion. For now though we re-join our host Clint Eastwood and continue with the show.

 

 

 

bmw1To present our next award The Manofesto is thrilled to reunite the cast of the vastly underrated bmw21354758382_4b-will-friedle-56090’s sitcom Boy Meets World. Please give a warm welcome to Ben Savage, Rider 1354758486_6a-william-daniels-560Strong, Danielle Fishel, William Daniels, & Will Friedle. And the nominees are:

 

 

 

Best TV Show

Mike & Mike in the Morning

The two time defending Sammy Award winners just keep plugging along. I think I described this as “comfort food TV” last year, and that characterization remains accurate. I love coming home from work every morning, giving lovins’ to my boy Rocco, having a nice breakfast, and settling down to watch Greeny & Golic do their thing. If you are a sports fan and you’re not watching this show then you are totally missing out.

 

 

Pardon the Interruption

Just like The Mikes do their thing every morning Michael Wilbon & the crotchety yet loveable Tony Kornheiser debate the sports issues du jour every evening at 5pm, albeit for only a half hour as compared to the 4 hour marathon that their compadres produce. These guys are not only entertaining but they are smart. Few television shows nowadays compel me to stop whatever I am doing and watch…this is one of the few.

 

 

The Big Bang Theory

I grew up in an era of incredibly entertaining sitcoms like The Cosby Show, Cheers, Happy Days, & Night Court. My tastes lean toward well written, intelligent, yet traditional & comfortable comedy. I need multiple cameras, a live audience, and a laugh track. Big Bang suits my fancy on all accounts. It is an old-fashioned sitcom that is smart, funny, edgy without being vulgar, and consistent in its quality. Not only do I do my best to keep up with first run episodes, but TBS now shows all the reruns so it’s a show I catch frequently.

 

 

How I Met Your Mother

It is amazing to me that a show built around one simple idea…the story of how one man eventually meets the mother of his children…has been able to successfully string along the audience without resolving the central question for 7 years yet few seem to mind. Neil Patrick Harris & Jason Segal are bona fide stars, and the writing remains superb. This is one of the very few network TV shows that has been able to hold my interest for any length of time.

 

 

NFL Redzone

I am not sure whether it’s a show or a channel. All I know is that in 2012, a few weeks into the football season, Time-Warner Cable finally brought the NFL Network to my area and this is its companion offering. I have thoroughly enjoyed coming home from church each Sunday afternoon and immersing myself in football for the next several hours. I have always done that to a degree, but now instead of being stuck with only a couple of games I get to see all of the most notable action in each & every NFL matchup. It is sensational, and whoever came up with the concept deserves to have some sort of statue carved in their honor.

 

 

American Restoration

Like many Americans I have embraced the growing trend of original programming on cable channels as the old network system continues to wither on the vine. I am convinced that the overall quality of what’s on television has diminished in comparison to my childhood, but the fact that there are many many more channels helps to offset the drift toward inane “reality” TV and the increase in violence, sexuality, & general depravity. Now I suppose this is technically a reality show, but it isn’t like the craptastic stuff the masses usually embrace (The Bachelor, Real Housewives, Breaking Amish, etc.). When one watches American Restoration one might actually learn something. That’s a concept I can dig.

 

 

Dan Lebatard Is Highly Questionable

I feel sorry for Lebatard, a Miami sportswriter who first came to my attention when he used to fill in occasionally on PTI. He was given his own show, but ESPN kind of treats it like a bastard stepchild. It’s usually on at 4:30pm, but is often pre-empted or moved around on the schedule. That’s too bad because it’s a really fun & quirky program. Dan’s co-host is his elderly Cuban father, who I absolutely adore. He reminds me just a little bit of my late grandfather. If you’ve checked out ESPN’s other shows but somehow missed this one (understandable given its nomadic scheduling) I urge you to give it a whirl.

 

 

American Pickers

The History Channel airs a lot of stupid stuff that I don’t really like and has nothing much to do with history (Life After People?? Really??), but when they get it right they do it quite well. American Pickers satiates one’s inner pack rat without the hassle of actually filling your house with junk you don’t need. Anyone who enjoys going antiquing or trolling yard sales every summer can appreciate the peculiar charm this show offers.

 

 

And the Sammy goes to…..

 

Mike & Mike. It’s an unprecedented 3rd consecutive Sammy for Greeny & Golic!! This show just never gets old. mikemikeIt’s fun, informative, and amiable. The guys have a good time but know when to tone it down and be serious as circumstances dictate. They lost some points on Halloween when they dressed up like that ridiculous Gangnam Style guy & his weird sidekick (they even did a parody video), but I am willing to overlook that one indiscretion (unlike a certain late night talker who Slow Jammed the News with Obama….a misstep that cost him a Sammy nomination). I like Golic so much that he’s even got me pulling for Notre Dame in the National Championship Game. I didn’t know there was any kind of voodoo in the world to even make that possible.

 

 

 

Rod StewartThere’s always time for good music, so please enjoy a brief interlude by two artists that span phillip_phillips_280x280the generations. Singing a duet of the Wilson Pickett classic In the Midnight Hour welcome to the stage legendary rocker Rod Stewart and American Idol winner Phillip Phillips.

 

 

kgTo present our next award it is an honor for The Manofesto to welcome the former star of CheersFormer-television-talk-show-hosts-20 & Frasier, Emmy award winning actor Kelsey Grammer, and award winning actor, comedian, writer, and talk show host Dennis Miller. And the nominees are:

 

 

 

 

The Rosie O’Donnell Memorial Just Go Away Award

Tim Tebow

I’m probably going to catch some flak for this one, but I don’t care. Hasn’t Tebow gotten the message yet?? No one outside of ESPN’s resident buffoon Skip Bayless seriously believes that he can play QB in the NFL. The NY Jets obviously brought him in for a publicity stunt. They did get a ton of publicity in 2012, but for all the wrong reasons. Look, I’ve stated numerous times that I am sure Tebow is a nice guy. Is he a bit of a phony?? Probably, but aren’t we all?? Nevertheless, the circus needs to end and he needs to move on to whatever he is really meant to do with his life.

 

Roseanne Barr

Rarely is a person nominated for 2 Sammys in a single year. As a matter of fact I am pretty sure it’s never happened, although I am far too languid to do the necessary research. Anyway, suffice to say that Roseanne is an idiot and has been for years. She’s not funny, she has no class, and she’s wrong about just about everything she decides to spout off about.

 

Lindsay Lohan

Has this crack whore hit bottom yet?? Sadly I don’t believe she has. I’ve heard that her latest project, a Lifetime (television for women) movie called Liz & Dick in which The Hohan portrays Elizabeth Taylor, is hilariously bad. This is a gal that many once believed could be the next Meryl Streep. It is sad how all that potential has been completely wasted.

 

Taylor Swift

I’m not a real big fan of country music, but I don’t hate it. But compare a classy country artist…maybe Carrie Underwood or Martina McBride…to this kid and you’ll quickly realize that it’s like comparing fine scotch to cheap wine coolers. Have you ever listened to one of her interviews?? She is 23 going on 13. This immaturity has begun to noticeably bleed into her songs. Shouldn’t it be going in the other direction?? Shouldn’t her work become better & more refined as she gets older?? There’s also the matter of her personal life, which has become a national joke. I saw a quote somewhere that said that “this young woman doesn’t date…she trolls for potential lyrics to future songs”. There was also a Facebook meme that said something to the effect that one of Taylor Swift’s exes should write a song titled Maybe You’re the Problem. I think what Ms. Swift needs to do is go off the grid for a few years and come back when she’s gotten a little more life experience and can manage to be less annoying.

 

Kristen Stewart

I’ve never read Twilight and I never will. I’ve never seen the movies and have no intention of doing so. I suppose that disinterest is why I am sick to death of hearing about this human blank page. She’s got the charm & personality of rice cakes. For God’s sake you are rich, famous, & successful at the tender age of 22…can you atleast pretend to enjoy it rather than constantly looking like you are in the midst of a root canal & really have to take a dump??

 

Justin Bieber

Do I really need to explain?? Look, I know most teenage girls & senile grandmas think this kid is cool. I am not an teeny bopper or a granny though, so I think he’s a douchebag.

 

Dwight Howard

Has there been a bigger whiny little bitch in sports the past year?? He wanted out of Orlando, then he didn’t. He wanted to be traded, then he agreed to stay. He got Orlando Magic coach Stan van Gundy fired and still wanted out. Now he’s an LA Laker and they are mediocre at best. I am starting to fondly recall the good ol’ days of Shaquille O’Neal in comparison.

 

Piers Morgan

Roseanne Barr has some company. As you may recall Piers earlier won the Assclown of the Year Award, so I am sure he’d be quite proud of this daily double. Here’s the funny thing…he might actually go away…literally. Not only is there a legitimate petition to have him deported, but the man himself has stated that if more gun control legislation isn’t passed he may voluntarily leave of his own volition. That’d be fine by me.

 

 

 

And the Sammy goes to…..

Y’all know the drill by now, right?? It’s a TIE!! None of these people add anything of substance to our culture. loserThey are all just a big ol’ waste of time. Take heart America…past nominees/winners of this award have included the likes of Jersey Shore (which just ended), Bret Favre (who finally retired for good in 2010), Twilight (which is finally o-v-e-r), and Heidi & Spencer (Remember them?? Probably not), so there is always hope.

 

 

 

charles-barkleyWe are so glad that for the 2nd year in a row the man for whom the next award was named can be here to present it. Please welcome one of the all-time great professional basketball players and current analyst for TNT’s Inside the NBA, Mr. Charles Barkley. And the nominees are:

 

 

 

The Charles Barkley Memorial Role Model Award

 

Eric LeGrand

On October 16, 2010 Rutgers defensive tackle Eric LeGrand made a tackle that would change his life forever. LeGrand was paralyzed from the neck down. I am a paraplegic myself but have always felt fortunate that it happened at birth rather than as a result of an accident when I was older. My life is the way it has always been and I know no other reality. To be able-bodied and have that suddenly change has to be traumatic. I have met people in that situation in my life, and oftentimes they are bitter, disillusioned, and angry at God. I completely understand that reaction. However, there is another way, and LeGrand has chosen that path. He has become an inspiration to millions who have heard his story. He has not shrunk into the background. He continues to live a full & satisfying life and work toward recovery. It is my understanding that he has regained some sensation & movement. At this year’s ESPY Awards LeGrand stated his belief that he would walk again and his intention, when that day comes, to return to the the field where he was injured, go to the exact spot, lay down, and then get up & walk off the field like he was unable to do on that horrible autumn day.

 

 

Dan Cathy & Mike Huckabee

The Chick-Fil-A controversy was obviously a big story in 2012. It all started last summer with a couple of interviews in which Cathy, the company’s CEO & son of its founder, espoused his & the company’s support of Biblical principles & “the biblical definition of the family unit”. Those statements created a firestorm of controversy stirred by the leftist, God hating, alternative lifestyles crowd. There were threats, there were boycotts, there were petitions…predictable reactions from what my man Rush Limbaugh refers to as “phony baloney plastic banana good time rock n’ rollers”. However, this time Christian conservatives fought back. Former Arkansas governor & 2008 presidential candidate Mike Huckabee organized Chick-Fil-A Appreciation Day and on Wednesday August 1st the masses turned out in droves. I know the parking lot was packed and the drive thru line longer than I’ve ever seen it at my local restaurant, and my friend The Owl reported similar activity from his base in Columbus, OH. I am sure the business enjoyed a healthy bottom line, but that’s not really what it’s all about. Kudos to Cathy for standing by his values & running a first-class operation, and to Huckabee for doing what more Christians need to do…find a way to fight back that is tasteful, intelligent, peaceful, and examples Christ.

 

 

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker

After having been duly elected thru the democratic process in 2010 Gov. Walker was forced to endure a recall election in 2012 after less than a year in office. His crime?? He pissed off the unions in Wisconsin while trying to instill some fiscal responsibility to his state. Fortunately for Wisconsin Walker endured & won the recall. We need more public servants like Walker who are willing to tighten the belt, say no, and make a good faith effort to be proper stewards of that with which they have been entrusted.

 

 

Pat Summitt

I am not a big fan of women’s basketball or any other women’s sport. I guess maybe some would call that sexist. Maybe it is. At any rate, that being said, even a non-fan like me knows about the dominance of the University of Tennessee & their coach Pat Summitt. Between 1987 & 2008 Summitt led the Lady Volunteers to 8 national championships. Over the course of 38 years she became the all time winningest NCAA basketball coach, surpassing even the best men’s coaches like Duke’s Coach K., UCLA legend John Wooden, and Bobby Knight. In 2011 she was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s, but continued coaching. In 2012 she stepped down and let someone else take over. She didn’t have to…no one forced her to. But Pat Summitt knew it was the right thing to do…for her health and for the long term success of the program that she’d built. She has handled herself & the situation with grace & class. I do not know the current state of her health, but I wish Pat Summitt all of the favor & blessings that God may see fit to bestow.

 

 

Felix Baumgartner

On October 14th the 43 year old Austrian daredevil set multiple world records when he skydived from 24 miles up into the Earth’s stratosphere, becoming the first person to break the sound barrier without vehicular power in the process. Why’d he do it?? I don’t know. All I do know is that it was pretty freakin’ cool and an amazing feat.

 

 

Angus T. Jones

I do not watch Two & a Half Men. It comes on at 9pm on Monday nights, and nothing is going to tear me away from my pro wrestling. I’ve seen a few episodes here & there over the years, enough to know that Jones portrays the “half man”, the son of the character played by Jon Cryer (otherwise known as Matthew Broderick Light in the 80’s). A few months ago the 19 year old Jones, who apparently had been born again recently, expressed refreshing honesty about the program on which he appears when he said that it was “filth” and encouraged people to stop watching. Now there are some that have called Jones unprofessional & hypocritical, pointing out that he is biting the hand that feeds him & also still cashing those paychecks since he hasn’t quit his job just yet. Those are valid arguments. However, I choose to blame the admittedly clumsy way in which the young man handled the issue on his youth. He’ll learn to approach situations with more elegance & finesse as he matures. I would rather focus on the fact that The Lord has a new soldier in His army that is beginning to recognize some basic truths about life. I wish young Mr. Jones nothing but success in whatever pursuits he may decide upon in the future and sincerely hope he continues on the path of faith.

 

 

Howard Cooper

Who?? Yes, I know…you’ve never heard of him. Well not everyone worthy of our praise is a celebrity. Cooper is an 83 year old Michigan man who owned an auto dealership until last spring. Upon his retirement he decided to thank his 89 employees in a very practical…and generous…way. Cooper gave each employee $1000…for every year of service they’d given the business, which opened 47 years ago. In other words, anyone who’d been with Mr. Cooper since the beginning received a check for $46,000. Someone who’d only been around half that time received a still handsome sum of $23K. He had also insisted that the business who’d bought him out retain each employee as a condition of the sale. The total sum of these gifts is unknown, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that the world would be a much better place if every boss was as thoughtful as Mr. Cooper and cared about their security as much as him. Kudos to Howard Cooper. Well played sir.

 

 

 

And the Sammy goes to…..

Eric LeGrand. Maybe I am a bit biased since I myself am in a wheelchair. I hope that LeGrand is able to someday s111006_01-eric-pg-horizontalwalk again, and I would love to see him fulfill his dream of walking off the same field that he once left on a stretcher. Only God knows if that will actually happen, but in the meantime I am sure he will keep working, stay active, and show the world that a disability is not a death sentence. In May the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (now coached by former Rutgers coach Greg Schiano) signed LeGrand to an NFL contract, which was a damn fine gesture on their part. In July LeGrand officially “retired” so as not to take up a roster spot…an equally classy move.

 

 

 

 

This seems like the appropriate place to take another break. Please stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of the 2012 Sammy Awards!!

 

 

 

 

 

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