As you may know, Hollywood came to a virtual standstill for several months in 2023 due to a writer’s strike. What you may not realize is that even imaginary awards shows were affected. Putting together this fake program takes months of preparation from a team of hundreds of people, and not being able to put in that work at all throughout last summer has had an impact. Having said that, we made the decision to soldier on and attempt to live up to the standard that our make-believe awards show has met or exceeded for nearly 15 years, which means the bar is set low enough that you probably won’t notice much difference.
The Sammys have grown from a simple Year in Review in 2009 to an annual tradition of celebrating the highs & lows, heroes & reprobates, thrills & chills of the recently concluded trip around the sun, recalling all of the moments, people, and stories that deserve praise or scorn.
To host this year’s show we have invited one of America’s most unique comedians. He has had multiple comedy specials on Netflix, hosted a few television programs that no one has ever heard of, and is actually nominated for a Sammy Award for a 2023 film based on his life. Please hoist your beverage of choice and toast our guy Bert Kreischer!!
After an hysterical opening monologue from our host it’s time to hand out our first two awards. We are happy to welcome back one of the hardest working people in sports, from hosting an afternoon program on ESPN to occasionally stepping into the WWE Universe to adding energy to College Gameday, you either love him or you don’t. Please welcome back to The Sammys former Indianapolis Colts punter Pat McAfee!! And the nominees are:
The Agony of Defeat Award
Damar Hamlin
On January 2, 2023 Buffalo Bills safety Damar Hamlin went into cardiac arrest in the midst of a football game on live television. All the sudden the fun escape that so many of us enjoy became very real & quite scary.
Transgender Participation
It’s been a hot topic for awhile but really ramped up in 2023. The number of young people identifying as transgender has doubled in the past five years. So what happens when a biological male who now calls themselves female (because it never seems to be the other way around) decides to play women’s sports, with undeniable advantages in strength, size, speed, and every other significant metric?? It’s a polarizing issue that, as usual, comes down to facts vs. feelings.
Bob Huggins
In June 2023 West Virginia Mountaineers Hall of Fame basketball coach Bob Huggins was arrested & charged with DUI. Just a couple of months earlier he had made some quite politically incorrect remarks on a radio show and was already on thin ice. The DUI was the straw that broke the camel’s back, and Huggins was forced to resign. A few weeks later he tried to rescind his resignation, but the university had moved on. It’s a sad ending to a great career. Actions have consequences. Public figures, though fallible human beings like the rest of us, need to be smarter & more aware of their behavior.
and the Sammy goes to…..
Actually, we’re going to deviate from the norm and have Pat McAfee give out two trophies at once. And the nominees are:
The Thrill of Victory Award
Bulldogs Repeat
In January 2023 the Georgia Bulldogs captured their second consecutive NCAA National Championship by absolutely mauling the TCU Horned Frogs 65-7.
Damar Hamlin
The aforementioned Hamlin was revived on the field by heroic medical personnel, and after a bit of a stay in a Cincinnati medical facility actually returned to the football field this season. The Bills have been understandably cautious in using him, but it’s nice to see a happy ending.
Brady Retires…Again
After first announcing his retirement in February 2022 then returning just 40 days later like Jesus wrestling with Satan in the desert, the alleged GOAT QB finally put us all out of our misery exactly one year after retiring the first time.
UConn’s Madness
The Connecticut Huskies basketball team won their fifth National Championship, beating the Miami Hurricanes & San Diego St. Aztecs in the Final Four, both in convincing fashion.
Nuggets Win NBA Title
In June 2023 the Denver Nuggets defeated the Miami Heat in five games to claim their first ever NBA Championship since joining the league in 1976. It was nice having an NBA Finals that didn’t include the LA Lakers, Golden St. Warriors, or any involvement at all from Lebron James.
LIV-PGA Merger
When LIV Golf won this award a year ago I opined that “I’ll be surprised if the whole thing is anything more than a memory five years from now.” To be fair I guess LIV is still a thing, but in June 2023 LIV Golf, the PGA Tour, and PGA European Tour announced that the three organizations would pool their commercial rights into a new venture intended to unify the game of golf on a global basis. So now the lines are blurred, and y’all know what happens when too many cooks are in the kitchen.
and the Sammy(s) go to…..
Damar Hamlin. Come on…the dude died on live television then came back to play football again the following season. That’s badass 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻.
To present our next award it seems appropriate to bring on a lady who knows a thing or two about disappointing movies, having starred in Rhinestone in 1984, with more recent cameos in duds like Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous and the big screen adaptation of The Beverly Hillbillies. On the other hand, she’s a country music legend, was actually inducted into the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame in 2022, and is now apparently an honorary Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. Please get on your feet for Dolly Parton!! And the nominees are:
Most Disappointing Movie
The Machine
Comedian Bert Kreischer has built a career on a gimmick of removing his shirt onstage and a hilarious story about partying with the Russian Mafia in college. Someone decided to flesh that story out into a feature film and cast Mark Hamill as Bert’s crotchety father. I’m reminded of so many pedestrian movies based on SNL sketches that take a really funny concept and expand it beyond its intended limits. Sometimes it’s best not to mess with greatness.
The Flash
Michael Keaton is the best big screen Batman. Period. End of story. That’s the only reason I visited the local cineplex to see this movie, and that part works. It filled my inner 17 year old with absolute joy to see Keaton don the cape & cowl again. However, when it comes to time travel & messing with the time-space continuum 2021’s Spider-Man: No Way Home did it much better.
The Iron Claw
Pro wrestling fans have been anticipating it for quite awhile. The tragic story of Texas’ Von Erich family would seem to be more than suitable for the silver screen. Unfortunately filmmakers made some poor casting choices and inexplicably cut out one of the brothers altogether. The Von Erichs deserve better.
and the Sammy goes to…..
The Flash. As much as I enjoyed seeing Michael Keaton as Batman again after all these years the rest of the movie is a mess. The actor portraying the titular superhero is apparently a douchenozzle in real life, but he’s also not a good actor. There were alot of questionable decisions made by the filmmakers, not the least of which was choosing George Clooney for a surprise cameo. It should’ve been Christian Bale.
To present our next award it is an honor to welcome the man who won it a year ago. He was a bit hesitant to return to an awards show, but once we told him it was imaginary he happily agreed. Please give a warm welcome to, but keep your distance from, iconic comedian Chris Rock!! And the nominees are:
Favorite Water Cooler Topic
Chinese Spy Balloon
From January 28 to February 4, 2023, a high-altitude balloon originating from China flew across North America, all the way from Alaska & western Canada before being shot down by the Air Force off the coast of South Carolina. The balloon was in fact equipped with surveillance technology, but the Biden Administration, as with so many of their nefarious activities, downplayed the situation and the media dutifully carried the water for them.
Asbury Revival
In February 2023 a worship service at Asbury University in central Kentucky (about a half hour from Lexington) turned into a two week revival with approximately 70,000 people visiting from around the world. The school made the decision to end services after a couple of weeks for various logistical reasons, but the impact the event made is remarkable.
Titanic Sequel
In June 2023 a submersible operated by an American tourism company imploded during an expedition to view the wreck of the Titanic in the North Atlantic Ocean off the coast of Newfoundland, Canada. Five people were killed. In hindsight it became clear that mistakes were made, shortcuts were taken, and the tragedy was entirely preventable.
Ozempic
A drug that’s been used to treat diabetes for several years became quite popular in 2023 as a weight loss medication. I know someone who lost about 100lbs., so I asked my doctor about it. I took Ozempic for a few weeks, but the gastrointestinal side effects were just too much for me to deal with.
The Sound of Freedom
It’s a movie about child trafficking in Colombia. While the subject matter deserves more attention and it is an important topic that we all need to be more aware of, I will be honest and tell you I did not watch it. Movies are an escape. I watch them to laugh, be entertained, and forget about the struggles of life. Does that make me a bad person?? So be it.
Bud Light
Last Spring, when Anheuser-Busch hired a guy who is “Tik Tok famous” for “identifying” as a woman as a new spokesperson, the backlash from the blue collar, middle class, traditional values crowd that tends to be Budweiser’s most significant demographic was swift & impactful. Sales declined & stock prices fell dramatically. More often than not boycotts are “full of sound & fury, signifying nothing”, but in this case Bud Light learned a lesson they’ll probably not forget, atleast for awhile.
Travis & Taylor
I’ve never understood the Taylor Swift hype. She’s just another fairly talented, somewhat attractive singer. They’re a dime-a-dozen. I do understand that Travis Kelce is perhaps the best tight end in football. They’ve been dating for several months, with her attending a few of his games. The sports media has been all in on covering the romance. Is it a PR stunt?? I don’t think so. Should anyone be buying them housewarming gifts?? Probably not.
Oliver Anthony
Last summer a Virginia folk singer went viral with a song called Rich Men North of Richmond, with lyrics like “Lord knows they all just wanna have total control…Wanna know what you think, wanna know what you do…And they don’t think you know but I know that you do…’Cause your dollar ain’t shit and it’s taxed to no end…’Cause of rich men north of Richmond”. The song struck a chord amongst the working class who have been struggling to make ends meet while Big Government tosses them aside to kowtow to the Climate Change Crowd, Pronoun Mafia, Ukraine, and Hollywood’s Elite. The humble singer has turned away multiple offers to cash in on his overnight fame, choosing to retain his principles and continue living a quiet, simple life out of the spotlight.
TwitterX
In 2022 Elon Musk bought Twitter. In April 2023 the social media juggernaut was renamed “X”. In general I have supported the decisions Musk has made for the site, but this was just a dumb rebranding. I don’t really care at this point because my page got hacked and I can’t get it back, despite multiple efforts to do so.
Tucker Carlson & Don Lemon
In April 2023 both controversial newsmen were fired…Carlson from Fox News, Lemon from CNN. Carlson seems quite content doing his own thing, unconstrained by corporate BS. Lemon will undoubtedly pop up somewhere in the future and be just as much of a tool.
Hollywood Strikes
This past summer both the Screen Actors Guild & Writers Guild of America went on strike for several months. It didn’t affect my life all that much to be honest, except for a few movies & TV shows I like having delays in production.
The Debt Ceiling
This again?? It seems like an annual battle between Congress & The White House, no matter which political party controls those entities. Perhaps if we’d stop sending billions of dollars overseas and take care of our own problems it wouldn’t be as much of an issue.
Cocaine At The White House
This past summer the Secret Service found a small bag of nose candy in the White House. Normally this would be a big deal, but when it comes to the Biden Administration the status quo of “move along…nothing to see here”, with the news media running cover, means that the mystery was never solved and the story just faded into the ether. There’s no way that blow belonged to the President’s son, a known substance abuser, right?? Of course not.
Will & Jada
Chris Rock has quickly bolted, and really, who could blame him. At any rate, what in the blue hell is up with Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith?? I am not a mental health professional, but both seem rather unstable, and their marriage appears to be quite dysfunctional. The less we hear about them in 2024 the happier many of us will be.
and the Sammy goes to…..
Asbury Revival. It’s good to see a positive story once in awhile, and it’s even better when it involves God touching thousands of lives. Our society needs much more revival. The great thing is it’s your personal choice. You can either embrace God moving so mightily in the world, or if God, faith, church, etc. isn’t your thing then you can choose to ignore it.
This feels like a great time to take a break. Stay tuned for Part 2 of The Sammys.
The Manofesto 