iPhone

50 Things: The Yin & Yang of Technology

There is nothing so stable as change.  – Bob Dylan

 

Pinterest strikes again!! As I recently mentioned, I finally joined the social media site that I once thought of as only a female domain and have found a lot of interesting & informative stuff there. My latest discovery is something called 50 Things We Don’t Do Anymore Because of Technological Advancements, which was absolutely screaming to be more than just a pin. It requires context. It requires discourse. It requires thorough examination. And I am just the guy to do those things!! I am old enough to remember almost all of these items, but young enough to not completely dismiss the progress that has rendered many of them obsolete. In some cases the thing being discussed isn’t completely gone, it’s just not as big a part of daily life as it once was, and other items listed are still being done, we’ve just transitioned into an updated way of doing them. Bill Gates has stated that “the advance of technology is based on making it fit in so that you don’t really even notice it, so it’s part of everyday life”, which is why a walk down memory lane like this is fascinating because oftentimes we don’t reflect on how much has changed in our lives. We’re too busy living in the present and, sadly, fretting about the future, to recognize subtle transformations. That’s probably a good thing, otherwise we’d drive ourselves nuts. At any rate, join me as we come face to face with just how much technology has altered the landscape of our daily trek thru this awesome thing we call life.

 

 

 

 

1       Call Theaters

Thanks to smartphones & The Internet we no longer have to call to see if a movie is being shown or what time it starts. There’s an app for that!! You can even order tickets in advance, although I never do that because hey…plans might change.

 

2       Utilize Travel Agents

I’m not a traveler. I would love to be, but life hasn’t provided me with the means or opportunity. There are a few places that I fully intend to visit someday though. Anyway, travel agencies still exist, and I assume that those still around are profitable, but I also realize that nowadays just about anyone who is computer savvy can hop online and book an entire vacation, everything from plane tickets to hotel rooms to dinner reservations to tickets for shows. Travel agents are, essentially, the middle man that has largely been cut out by The Internet.

 

Science and technology revolutionize our lives, but memory, tradition and myth frame our response. – Arthur M. Schlesinger

 

 

3       Use VCRs or 4 Watch Videotapes/DVDs

I’m pretty sure the VCR is obsolete. Oh I assume there are folks that still own one, but I don’t think they are manufactured anymore. And now because of streaming services like Netflix & Hulu there really isn’t a need for DVDs, although plenty of people still own them and both DVDs & DVD players are still sold in stores. We also have devices like DVR & TiVo that allow us to record television programs, and they are so much simpler & user friendly than VCRs ever were.

 

5       Dial Directory Assistance or 6 Call Time

I suppose some folks still make such calls, but it’s really unnecessary now. Directory assistance can’t tell you any information that a quick Google search won’t provide, and even watches & wall clocks have taken a backseat since everyone has a clock on their phone, tablet, or laptop.

 

 

Without continual growth and progress, such words as improvement, achievement, and success have no meaning.  – Benjamin Franklin

 

 

7       Save Change For or 8 Use Pay Phones

Occasionally I still see a pay phone here & there, but almost everyone has a cell phone these days. Save those quarters to help pay THAT bill.

 

9       Purchase Tickets on the Phone

I assume one can still dial an 800 # to order concert tickets or whatever other kind of tickets one needs to buy, but it’s just as convenient to do it online. Actually I think in many cases there might be a processing fee when ordering over the phone now, so you’ll save a few bucks by doing it online, with the added benefit of not having to actually talk to anyone. It’s a win-win. And now you don’t even get tickets mailed to you. They are e-mailed, you print them out, & someone will scan a barcode when you arrive at the venue. I’m not sure how safe all of that is, but it is certainly efficient.

 

 

Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means for going backwards.  – Aldous Huxley

 

 

10     Buy Disposable Cameras, 11 Print Photos, 12 Make Photo Albums, or 13 Get Film Developed

I have inherited my grandmother’s fondness for taking photos, but I haven’t actually gotten a hard copy of any of them in a decade. I just upload all of my pics to Facebook. That’s actually the main reason I keep my Facebook page…as an online photo album. My mother & grandmothers loved their photo albums. Dad still has several. But with digital photography it’s just not really a thing anymore. I haven’t reached the point yet where I exclusively use my phone to take pictures, although many have because the quality of phone cameras have improved exponentially in recent years. Personally I still think my digital camera takes better photos. However we can all agree that those little disposable cameras, though still available, are passé. I’m not sure anyone develops film anymore. Perhaps professional photographers…that’s probably about it.

 

14     Put Ads in Store Windows

I don’t think the store window ad has been popular in several decades. It might be more appropriate to point out that newspaper ads are quickly becoming obsolete. Between E-bay and countless wannabe sites, plus various pages on social media dedicated to buying & selling, classified ads in newspapers are really among the least effective ways to reach an audience.

 

Progress is not an illusion, it happens, but it is slow and invariably disappointing. – George Orwell

 

 

15     Use Maps

My father brought me a paper map not long ago, and it really made me chuckle. Does anyone use those anymore?? Most newer vehicles are equipped with GPS, and one can purchase devices to put in older vehicles. Plus everybody has Google maps or a similar app on their phone.

 

16     Carry Portable Cassette/CD Players or 17 Buy CDs

Physical means of listening to music like vinyl records, 8-tracks, cassette tapes, & now CDs have all come & gone. CDs are still around I guess, but most everyone digitally downloads their music now. Even iPods are a thing of the past. If you’ve got a smartphone you’ve got a device that’ll carry hundreds…maybe even thousands…of songs. What else could one possibly ask for??

 

 

Men have become the tools of their tools.  – Henry David Thoreau

 

 

18     Handwrite Letters, 19 Have Pen Pals, or 20 Send Love Letters

I’m not too sure about this one. People still write letters…especially love letters, right?? But the idea of actually using a pen & paper then putting the letter in an envelope and mailing it is rather archaic. That’s what emails & texts are for!! I suppose pen pals have been replaced by “friends” on Facebook and “followers” on Twitter, Instagram, etc.

 

21     Make Collect Calls/Reverse Charges

Yep…collect & long distance calls are outta here!! Cell phones allow us to call & talk to our out of town friends & family as much as & for as long as we wish.

 

 

Before automobiles existed, everyone had a horse. Then cars became available, and their convenience, compared to horses, was undeniable. – Susan Orlean

 

 

22     Pay Bills at the Post Office

I remember my grandparents paying utility bills at the post office and even the bank. Nowadays though people don’t even mail a check to the company. I set up autopay whenever available for recurring bills, and one can use a debit/credit card or PayPal to pay many bills online.

 

23     Use an Address Book       

Most of us now keep everyone’s contact information…name, address, phone #, e-mail…stored in our phones. I can’t imagine that owning a stationary store would be very profitable in the 21st century.

 

 

Science fiction is any idea that occurs in the head and doesn’t exist yet, but soon will, and will change everything for everybody, and nothing will ever be the same again. It is always the art of the possible, never the impossible.  – Ray Bradbury

 

 

24     Make Mix Tapes

Ha!! Now I’m getting a little nostalgic. I don’t think I ever made a sappy mix tape for a girl, but I do recall recording songs from the radio onto cassette tapes and listening to the resulting personal favorites album with my Walkman. Later on…and not that long ago…burning CDs at home became a thing. I remember being really into that for a brief moment in time. Nowadays whenever I want to rock out, chill with some classical music, or celebrate the holiday season with Bing Crosby I just use iTunes, Amazon Music, or Spotify. I haven’t spent a dime on music in several years.

 

25     Go Into the Bank

A couple of months ago my sister & I met our father at one of the local banks to conduct some business, and it really struck me how dead it was in there in the middle of a weekday. But with direct deposit, drive-thrus, & online banking there really is no need for most people to actually go inside a bank anymore.

 

 

The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do.  – B. F. Skinner

 

 

26     Buy TV Guide

When I was a kid I kind of enjoyed reading TV Guide. There was always an interesting article or two, and of course it was indispensable when trying to find out what time something was on or to get an idea what a show was about. But with modern televisions a push of a button brings up the onscreen guide and it’s really simple to find out what you need to know about whatever program you want to watch.

 

27     Own Encyclopedias

Believe it or not, once upon a time salesmen actually travelled around selling a bulky set of a couple dozen alphabetized books with informative articles about almost any topic one could imagine. And then every year or two they’d try to sell families a brand new set of books with updated information. Anyone who went to school in the 1980’s or before surely did their fair share of book reports & term papers using information almost exclusively gleaned from an encyclopedia. It all seems so quaint now in the Internet Age, when information about literally anything & everything is just a few keystrokes and/or mouse clicks away (actually computer mice are even outdated now).

 

The human spirit must prevail over technology.  – Albert Einstein

 

 

28     Visit DMV to Renew Registration       

I just recently visited the DMV to renew my driver’s license, but I suppose one can deal with renewing their registration online. The DMV was still a pretty busy place.

 

29     Use Yellow Pages or 30 the Phone Book

Phone books are still produced and used, especially by older people. However, these days it’s easier to just search for an unknown phone number online.

 

 

Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.  – John F. Kennedy

 

 

31     Use a Dictionary or Thesaurus to 32 Check Spelling

How did we ever survive without The Internet?? We sure did kill a lot of trees making books that are now totally unnecessary. Don’t misunderstand…I still look up things in a dictionary or thesaurus quite regularly…it’s just on a website rather than in a book. And if you’re using Google or even a computer program like Microsoft Word it’s really easy to spellcheck.

 

33     Remember Phone Numbers

I remember my Dad’s phone number because it’s still the one I grew up with, the same one he’s had for almost fifty years. And of course I know my own phone number. But if you ask me for the phone numbers of other family members, friends, or my place of work I’d struggle to come up with them because they’re all programmed into my phone and accessible with one click. Oddly enough I still remember numbers that haven’t been used in years, like my grandparents and even former employers.

 

 

There was a time when nails were high-tech. There was a time when people had to be told how to use a telephone. Technology is just a tool. People use tools to improve their lives.  – Tom Clancy

 

 

 

34     Use Pagers

When I was in college in the early 90’s pagers were the ultimate sign of being cool & hip. Then they segued into being indicative of a drug dealing thug. I have no idea if pagers are even manufactured anymore, but I can’t imagine they’d be in high demand. It’s not difficult to get ahold of someone in a whole host of ways, so pagers are just antiquated reminders of a bygone era. Who would’ve ever imagined that a pager could evolve into a romantic piece of nostalgia??

 

35     Fax Documents

To my knowledge most offices still have fax machines, but with e-mail & social media they are no longer an essential piece of equipment.

 

 

Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change.  – Stephen Hawking

 

 

36     Pay Bills with Checks or 37 Keep Paper Bills/Bank Statements

Almost everything is done online with credit/debit cards or PayPal. I still pay my rent and the occasional medical bill with a check, but that’s about it. Almost all bills & statements are available online in some form now, so paperless billing is the norm.

 

38     Watch TV Shows When They’re Actually On

Ehhhh…I don’t know. I mean I get it…we don’t HAVE to watch something when it’s on. That’s the magic of DVR/TiVo. But if I happen to be home and in the mood to vegg out when a favorite program is on I’m going to watch it. What else do I have to do?? Still though, it is cool to know that if we’ve got to go to work or fulfill some other kind of obligation, if there are two shows on at the same time that we like, or even if it’s just a nice day outside and one doesn’t want to stay home like a lazy hump that we can record something and watch it whenever we get some free time.

 

39     Warm Food/Drinks on the Stove

Thank you microwave oven!!

 

 

We are stuck with technology when what we really want is just stuff that works. – Douglas Adams

 

 

40     Dial *69

I used to drive my parents crazy with this because it cost 50 cents a pop. But there are always those people who call and hang up, either because they realize too late that they’ve dialed a wrong number or they just didn’t feel motivated to leave a message on the answering machine. As a kid I HAD to know who called!! Plus it was a new technology back then that fascinated me, and I kind of enjoyed the whole “Ha!! You think you’re gonna call us, hang up, & get away with it?? Think again!!” gotcha thing. These days caller ID is standard on cell phones, so whether a person hangs up without leaving a voicemail or not you know instantaneously who is calling.

 

41     Try On Shoes at the Store

I’m going to need more information here. I have childhood memories of going into a shoe store and trying on multiple pairs before hitting on just the right combination of fit & fashion. Are people not allowed to do that anymore?? In hindsight it does seem slightly unsanitary, and God knows we’re all hyper-aware these days about spreading disease and all of the horrific ways we could possibly meet our demise. Since I don’t walk I don’t have to purchase shoes that often. My size hasn’t changed in years and I’m not the least bit interested in being cool or keeping up with trends, so shoe shopping is a fairly simple process for me.

 

 

There are no constraints on the human mind, no walls around the human spirit, no barriers to our progress except those we ourselves erect.  – Ronald Reagan

 

 

42     Hand Wash Clothes & 43 Hang Laundry on Clotheslines

I think hand washing clothes was passé before I was even born. Electric washers & dryers have been around for over a century and really hit their stride in the 1950s. I remember my grandparents talking about handwashing clothes back when they were coming of age during The Depression, and my mother would hang clothes out to dry during the summers of my youth. I assume there are still people that use clotheslines, especially if they reside in a rural area.

 

44     Buy Newspapers or 45 Advertise in Newspapers

Newspapers aren’t quite dead yet, but they aren’t as big of a deal as they once were. News is readily available in many forms like websites or 24 hour news channels on TV, most of which are updated constantly, which of course newspapers can’t be. Newspapers still exist, and they still have advertisements, but with The Internet newspapers are a decidedly old-fashioned way to advertise anything. The first thing I do when I get my Sunday paper is throw away all of the flyers & sales propaganda. And if I’m looking for a job, house, or any kind of product or service the newspaper is the last place I’m going to look.

 

 

New technology will not necessarily replace old technology, but it will date it by definition. Eventually, it will replace it.  – Steve Jobs

 

 

46     Handwrite School Essays/Reports

Do they even teach cursive writing in schools anymore?? Since nearly everything is done with computers now it is much more…pragmatic…for kids to learn keyboarding skills, because they’ll be doing a lot more of that in their lives than anything with a pen or pencil. Not only do they not have to visit the local library or use a multi-volume encyclopedia to do research, but spoiled brats these days don’t even have to cramp their soft little hands by writing pages & pages of information…they simply type a report in Word then print it out.

 

47     Buy Flowers from a Florist

I’m going to call BS on this one. Florists are still in business. Like anything else they’ve had to adapt to modern times. I suppose most people order flowers online now. But even when you use a service like 1-800-FLOWERS the purchase is still, to my knowledge, fulfilled (including delivery) by a local florist.

 

 

All progress is precarious, and the solution of one problem brings us face to face with another problem. – Martin Luther King, Jr.

 

 

48     Keep A Diary

I’m sure there are still people that record their innermost thoughts on a daily basis, although I think it’s called “journaling” now. We’re fancy like that.

 

49     Send Post Cards

I’m not a traveler. I think I already mentioned that. Anyway, nowadays if a person wants to say “Hey!” to the folks back home while they’re traipsing around on vacation all they have to do is post pics or a status update on social media.

 

 

Restlessness is discontent and discontent is the first necessity of progress. – Thomas Edison

 

 

50     Visit Yard Sales/Flea Markets

This is inaccurate as well. Yes it’s true that there is no shortage of websites on which people can sell their junk, but old-fashioned yard sales & flea markets still happen in every small town in America every summer. My mother loved having yard sales and going to yard sales.

 

Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change.  – Confucius

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The Sammy Awards 2011 – Episode III: Revenge of the Phantom Fellowship

Welcome back to the exciting conclusion of the 2011 Sammy Awards. Thanks for reading and please don’t hesitate to leave comments on who you would have nominated, your thoughts on the winners & losers, and ideas you’d like to see incorporated into next year’s show.

 

To present our next award please welcome the 99th most followed celebrity on Twitter, Academy award winning actor Tom Hanks. And the nominees are:

The Twitter Award for Best Water Cooler Topic

Tablet Computers & iPhone4GS

First we had desktops. Then laptops became ubiquitous. Now it seems we are heading toward a society where everyone surfs The Net, listens to music, and watches movies on an iPad, Kindle Fire, or any of the other similar devices that flooded the market in 2011. The other big techie toy this year was the new iPhone, which doesn’t seem like that much of an upgrade from the previous model. No worries though…they’ll come out with something else in a few months.

 

The Return of Beavis & Butt-Head

When I was in college in the early 90’s one of our favorite shows was MTV’s animated ode to slackers, created by Mike Judge before he wrote the cult classic film Office Space. This year, after a 14 year absence, the boys returned to television and it’s as if they never left, only now instead of making fun of music videos (which MTV doesn’t even show anymore), our two favorite idiots critique drivel like Jersey Shore, 16 & Pregnant, and Teen Mom. And you know what?? It’s still really funny.

 

Death of Amy Winehouse

On July 23rd this lush keeled over & croaked due to alcohol poisoning. Shocker. I couldn’t identify one of her songs if my life depended on it because I have taste & class. But apparently she did have her following and they were sad for about 5 minutes until something else grabbed their short attention spans.

 

Jerry Lewis & MDA Part Ways

Jerry Lewis hadn’t been relevant as an entertainer since The Nixon Administration, but until 2011 he still continued to be welcomed into our living rooms every Labor Day as host for the Muscular Dystrophy Telethon. Toward the end of 2010 MDA announced that the normally 21.5 hour show would be scaled back to just a 6 hour broadcast on Sunday night. Then in May of this year it was proclaimed by the organization that 2011 would be Jerry’s last as host but that he would remain as their national chairman and would continue to close each telethon with his signature tearjerker tune You’ll Never Walk Alone. But in August, just a few weeks before Labor Day, MDA announced that Lewis was finished as both host & chairman, effective immediately. It is still a mystery whether he was fired or quit for some reason. The local station in my hometown that had always carried the event in its entirety decided not to do so at all this year, so I didn’t even get to see the stripped down version. Oh sure I could have tuned in online, but that’s just not the same. And neither will future Labor Day Weekends be without Jerry Lewis. It’s a shame that a treasured piece of Americana had to end with such a whimper.

 

The End of Oprah

On May 25, 2011 Satan’s Minion ended her talk show of 25 years, leaving millions of bored housewives, gays & lesbians, and unemployed, unfulfilled losers of all shapes & sizes curled up in the fetal position wondering what they were going to do with their lives. Hey now…don’t cry…you’ve still got Dr. Phil!!

 

The “New” Facebook

A few months ago Facebook users by the millions flipped the hell out when the site implemented a number of pretty radical changes like a “ticker” and a revamped news feed. I’m a big fan of “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it”, and Zuckerberg & his crew just seemed to be tinkering with something that didn’t need changed. However, eventually everyone got over their displeasure and continued to enjoy the site. Now Facebook is rolling out another new deal called Timeline. I took the opportunity to switch over to Timeline a couple of months ago and, unlike the previous changes, I rather like it and will be surprised if it incites much rage.

 

Hanks Williams Jr. Booted From Monday Night Football

A version of Hank Williams Jr.’s song All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight had been used as the theme song for Monday Night Football since 1991. That all changed after an October 3rd interview the singer gave on Fox News in which he likened President Obama playing golf with Speaker of the House John Boehner to Hitler playing with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. The liberal drive by media…including the pantywaists at ESPN…predictably got their knickers in a twist because NO ONE is allowed to criticize their boy Barack Hussein Obama. ESPN made the decision to stop utilizing the tune altogether, and Bocephus called them out on their BS in his own inimitable way.

 

Kim Kardashian Marriage/Divorce

Do I really have to go into this?? I hate wasting even one iota of effort writing about this mind numbingly idiotic twit. We already know that she is a useless waste of space whose only redeeming quality is a fine caboose & a great rack and that her entire family is just as maddeningly unnecessary to humanity as she is. After years of toying with poor Dolphins RB Reggie Bush and leading Cowboys receiver Miles Austin on for about 5 minutes she moved on in 2011 to another semi-famous, quasi-rich athlete, New Jersey Nets bench warmer Kris Humphries. Within 6 months they were engaged and by August had a multimillion dollar wedding that, if my information is correct, she & her family were paid handsomely for so it could be broadcast on television. Unfortunately wedded bliss wasn’t in the cards and 72 days later Ms. Kardashian filed for divorce. And sadly, the tabloids, the entertainment TV shows, and the empty headed masses ate it up. Here’s an idea…go read a book, play with your kids (in the family sense, not in the Penn St. way), and get right with God. Quit paying any attention to this slut.

 

PA Teacher Writes Scathing Blog

30 year old  Natalie Munroe, a Doylestown, Pennsylvania (about 30 miles north of Philly) English teacher was suspended back in February after some parents discovered her blog. The issue stemmed from Ms. Munroe’s blatantly honest comments about what she’d really like to write on her students’ report cards for their parents’ perusal…things like “I hear the trash company is hiring”, “I called out sick a couple of days just to avoid your son”, “rude, belligerent, argumentative fuck”, “Just as bad as his sibling. Don’t you know how to raise kids?”, “Shy isn’t cute in 11th grade; it’s annoying. Must learn to advocate for himself instead of having Mommy do it.”, and “Am concerned that your kid is going to come in one day and open fire on the school. (Wish I was kidding.)”. Now I’m not a teacher, and maybe her opinions aren’t necessarily socially acceptable, but I’d be willing to be she was spot on in her observations. Munroe eventually got her job back, and I assume she’s just keeping her opinions to herself nowadays, helping the system to mass produce worker drones willing to work for minimum wage to supplement their Welfare.

 

Angry Birds

Apparently it’s some sort of game. I’ve heard it’s rather addictive. I’ve never played it and most likely never will.

 

 

The Homeless Guy with the Golden Voice

Right after New Year’s a newspaper reporter recorded an interview with a homeless man wandering the mean streets of Columbus, OH. That man, 54 year old Ted Williams, just so happened to have a deep, booming voice made for radio, which was in fact his career of choice before drug & alcohol abuse and legal problems derailed his life in the late 1980’s. A video of that interview was posted on YouTube and went viral, making Williams an overnight sensation. He appeared on talk shows and received a plethora of job offers, most notably from MSNBC, Kraft Foods, and the Cleveland Cavaliers. Unfortunately the sudden fame caused Williams to fall off the wagon. Dr. Phil got involved and sent him to rehab, but he pulled a Lohan & left after less than 2 weeks. The job offers began to disappear. Fortunately though, Ted Williams eventually went back in to rehab and to my knowledge is now gainfully employed and off the streets. God speed to him in all his future endeavors.

 

The End of Harry Potter

After 7 books and 8 films the Harry Potter phenomenon came to a close in 2011 with the release of the final movie. The great thing about books & movies though is that we can continue to enjoy them for many years to come, and new generations have the opportunity to do the same if they so choose. All great things must come to an end, but what a ride it was.

 

Cancellation of All My Children & One Life to Live

When I was a young lad in elementary school my sister & I had a babysitter that got us hooked on soap operas…specifically Days of Our Lives & General Hospital. As I grew older I got interested in other soaps like Guiding Light, Another World, & As the World Turns. Then a few years back I added One Life to Live to the rotation. AW was cancelled in 1999. GL got the axe in 2009 and ATWT ended in 2010. In 2011 ABC announced that it was cancelling 2 out of its 3 soaps…All My Children & One Life to Live. I never really got into AMC, but I realize it was extremely popular, mainly due to star Susan Lucci. That show left the air on September 23, 2011, with OLTL scheduled to end on January 13, 2012. Millions of fans have expressed outrage, but it’s just a different world nowadays. Women, the original target audience for soaps, are in the workforce and not home during the day to watch TV. The Internet draws peoples’ attention away from television as well. And unfortunately suits & bean counters have discovered that producing talk shows is cheaper than soap operas. Ah well…atleast I still have DOOL & GH…for now.

 

And the Sammy goes to…..

Ted Williams. I must admit that this choice is slanted in favor of my own personal interests. I refuse to honor that horrible piece of garbage Kim Kardashian, and neither will I bestow an award on Hell’s favorite talk show hostess. Williams’ story both touched me and brought out my usual cynicism. Oh sure he must shoulder the blame for his own failures like drug & alcohol abuse and his various arrests. However, I’m all for second chances. I think we all knew that the overnight notoriety & media attention was likely to cause a backslide, which it did. But it seems as if, once the spotlight dimmed a bit, Mr. Williams started making the right decisions to get his life back on the right path. Hopefully the turnaround will continue and 2012 will hold good things for him & his family.

 

 

 

Unlike Charles Barkley, the titular “honoree” for which this award is named will not be presenting it, because there is no way on God’s green Earth your humble Potentate of Profundity would let that disgusting cow sully these proceedings. Instead, we go in the opposite direction by welcoming three of the world’s most beautiful women: Jessica Alba, Eva Longoria, & Mandy Moore. And the nominees are:

The Rosie O’Donnell Memorial Just Go Away Award

The Entire Kardashian Family

These people disgust me. I truly believe it has gotten to the point that they are an actively negative force in American culture. My heart weeps for the millions of teenage girls who watch this hogwash and are in any way influenced by these evil, repulsive harlots. Even poor Bruce Jenner…a former Olympic hero for God’s sake…has been sucked into the void and just mindlessly does whatever his control freak of a wife commands. It’s sickening and needs to be stopped.

Lindsay Lohan

Okay, so she finally got naked for Playboy. But she even managed to screw that up by not showing us anything we hadn’t already seen. I just cannot stand even the mere mention of her name at this point. Only in Hollywood would a crack whore still receive endless opportunities to make millions of dollars and remain famous. It’s sort of disheartening for the masses in flyover country who rarely get a second chance if they make even one tiny mistake.

 

Michael Moore

What a revolting slob!! And he’s a liberal wackjob to boot. I don’t think he actually did anything noteworthy this year except make an appearance at the stupid Occupy Wall Street protest, which is ironic since he is a multimillionaire himself. At any rate, occasionally he’ll ruin a perfectly good late night show by showing up, spewing his uninformed hate, and making me want to vomit.

 

Lady Gaga

Here’s the sad thing about this chic…she’s actually quite lovely and can really sing. But I guess one has to have a gimmick these days, do wacky stuff to grab attention, and sing songs filled with lewd & suggestive lyrics. Whatever happened to class??

 

Skip Bayless

I really dig my ESPN sports talk shows, but this pompous know-it-all has absolutely ruined First Take for me to the point where it’s not even watchable anymore. For some reason the powers-that-be retooled the show so that it pretty much revolves around Bayless arguing the stories du jour with a revolving cast of “opponents”. The folks in Bristol have totally beaten the formula to death, but atleast other shows like Mike & Mike, Around the Horn, & Pardon the Interruption pull it off in such a way that I am not immediately tempted to hurl an object at my TV screen. Not only is Bayless arrogant & self-absorbed, but he’s usually so wrong about his opinions that it’s laughable. And he is the absolute #1 offender in regard to shoving Tim Tebow down America’s throat. I would love to see the statistics, but I would bet anything that Bayless and his posse have talked about Tebow on every single show for the past 6 months. Give it a rest already!!

 

The “Ladies” of The View

Without a doubt one of the more torturous exercises in futility is watching these twits sit around a table and attempt to intelligently discuss the “hot topics” of the day. Whoopi, Joy, Barbara, & the short fat chic who is so superfluous that I don‘t even remember her name are clueless, spiteful, and arrogant. Honestly watching Full House reruns seems like Shakespeare in comparison. And as much as I dig token conservative Elisabeth Hasselbeck she is just so overmatched against the 4 other big mouthed morons that the poor gal hasn’t got a chance. I beg of ABC…PLEASE cancel this drivel, or atleast sell it to Oprah’s “network”…same difference.

 

Justin Beiber

I couldn’t name one of his songs if I had two guns pointed at my head, but every soccer mom and 12 year old girl in America seems to love him. I’m sick & tired of hearing his name and seeing him on my TV. Plus he needs a haircut.

 

Reality TV

The ironic thing about reality television is that there is hardly anything real about it. Anyone who watches The Bachelor/Bachelorette and thinks it is an accurate representation of dating & falling in love needs to just hurl themselves off the nearest tall building immediately. The same criticism can be made of craptastic stupidity like The Real Housewives, Jersey Shore, Wife Swap, Teen Mom, and just about every reality show on TV. I know these shows are cheaper to produce, which is why they have grown exponentially in the past decade, but I miss the days when some talented writers would get together with some talented actors and make a fictional show that allowed people to e-s-c-a-p-e reality and be entertained for 30-60 minutes.

 

And the Sammy goes to…..

You saw this coming didn’t you?? Yes, I’m sure you did. For the 2nd straight year we have a tie!! This year it is an 8 way tie. ALL of these wastes-of-space need to stop taking up valuable oxygen & other resources immediately. I can think of no better way to immediately improve this great nation.

 

 

 

To present our final award of the evening, please welcome the melodious & soothing voice of TV new personality Harry Smith. And the nominees are:

Biggest U.S. News Story

Shooting of Rep. Gabrielle Giffords

On January 8 an assassination attempt on 3 term Arizona Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords captured the attention of the entire nation. Giffords was speaking to constituents outside a Safeway grocery store when some nutjob opened fire, injuring more than a dozen people and killing 6, including a nine year old little girl. Predictably liberals in Washington DC seized the opportunity to begin furthering their gun control agenda, but that poppycock fell on deaf ears and the tragedy became bigger than politics. Giffords continues to recover, but still has some communication issues and has lost some of her eyesight.

 

Race for the Republican Nomination

Incumbent President Obama is, unsurprisingly, going to be unopposed for his own party’s nomination in 2012. However, the fight for the right to face Obama in the general election got in to full swing in 2011, with nearly a dozen Republicans battling it out as we head into primary season early next year. No single candidate has really taken control of the contest, with several of the contestants having their turn in the spotlight, and a few have already fallen by the wayside. Unfortunately I don’t think the conservative base will be all that enamored with whoever ends up with the nomination because none of them seem to really be what we were hoping for.

 

Unemployment

Nearly ¾ of the way thru President Obama’s first (and hopefully only) term the unemployment rate still hovers around 9%. In comparison unemployment under George W. Bush was below 8%, Reagan, Clinton, & Bush ‘41 just above 7%, and even Jimmy Carter…usually considered one of the 20th Centuries worst Presidents…only 7.5%. Obama can no longer realistically blame W. for the poor economy, and the American people know it.

 

End of the Space Shuttle Program

The three decades old space shuttle program came to a close with the final mission of Atlantis in July. Now if an American wants to go to space they have to catch a ride with the Russians. Somewhere JFK is rolling over in his grave (if he is really dead that is). I guess NASA has some new ideas in the hopper, which is fine. Until those plans materialize though the lack of an active space exploration program further diminishes the concept of American exceptionalism, which I’m sure puts a smile on the faces of the current occupants of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

 

Fast & Furious

A 2001 film starring Vin Diesel & Paul Walker. No…wait…that’s not it. Apparently this was some sort of gun running operation by the U.S. ATF. I don’t know. The movie never interested me so when this story was dubbed with that name I pretty much decided not to pay attention right from the very beginning.

 

NY Legalizes Gay Marriage

On July 24 New York passed legislation allowing same sex marriage. My Bible tells me that this behavior is vile, against nature, and an abomination. Your mileage may vary, and we will just have to agree to disagree.

 

Death of Steve Jobs

Nerds nationwide mourned the untimely passing of the founder of Apple Computers on October 5th (my birthday) due to pancreatic cancer. I am not all that technologically savvy, but I know enough to realize that Jobs belongs on the Mount Rushmore of the modern computer age.

 

Hurricane Irene

Near the end of August Irene made landfall on the Outer Banks of North Carolina. Its path of destruction, mostly from flooding, extended clear up into the New York/New Jersey area, causing 56 deaths and $7 billion in damage.

 

10th Anniversary of 9/11 Attacks

America marked the decade anniversary of the September 11, 2001 attacks with modest ceremonies in New York, DC, and Shanksville, PA, as well as the requisite reflective coverage on television. So much has been said & written about that horrible day 10 years ago that I cannot add anything new. Just know that, for the victims & their families, we will n-e-v-e-r forget.

 

Deadly Tornado Hits Joplin, MO

On May 22 the small town of Joplin, about 70 miles west of Springfield, was hit with an F5 tornado that killed 160 people, injured nearly 1000, and did nearly $3 billion in damage. It was the costliest tornado in the history of the United States.

 

Occupy Wall St. Movement

Class warfare has been an effective tool for liberals in this country for centuries. Some people hate anyone who has more than them. That hatred reached a new peak in the fall of 2011 when a group of protesters decided to stage a massive sit-in at a park near New York City’s Wall Street, the financial epicenter of the nation. To my knowledge the protests…which have spawned numerous similar demonstrations nationwide…continue to this day. This kind of crap is the direct result of media & pop culture romanticization of the 1960’s. Instead of trying to learn from the wealthy and duplicate their success there is a whole new generation of dirty hippies that just want to sit around whining, bitching, and moaning about “big business” while they ignore the real problem, which is “big government”.

 

End of the War in Iraq

The nearly decade long Iraq conflict that began on the heels of 9/11 and the War on Terrorism came to an official close on December 5, 2011. I happen to believe that at one time there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and that Saddam Hussein had some connection to Al Qaeda, the terrorist group responsible for the 9/11 attacks. However, I also would have preferred a much shorter American involvement. The objectives seemed unclear at times and the lack of an effective exit strategy was troubling. The Middle East will always be a hot spot for strife, and I do not believe any amount of military involvement or attempts to spread democracy will ever bring total peace.

 

Casey Anthony Trial

Caylee Anthony, the 2 year old daughter of Casey, went missing in the summer of 2008 and was found dead a few months later. This past summer the mother went on trial for killing her child. Casey appears to be a mentally unstable woman who got knocked up before she was ready and, as the theory goes, murdered her daughter so she’d have the freedom to go back to being a drunken party girl ho. Unfortunately for the millions who became emotionally invested in the trial like it was OJ Part 2, the prosecutors were inept and Anthony’s defense team used annoying little techniques like lack of evidence, burden of proof, and reasonable doubt to get her acquitted. Soccer Moms everywhere were so outraged that they…they…they put their porch lights on!! As if that was going to help anything.

 

 

And the Sammy goes to…..

 

The Republicans. I choose this story because, unlike other stories that have come & gone, this one has been a constant for most of the year and has been woven into the fabric of our daily lives. It is also significant because all the ups & downs, missteps, debates, and speechifying that has occurred over all these months will…eventually…lead to someone being nominated to run for President in 2012. That election may be one of the most important turning points in our nation’s history. 2011 has seen folks like Michele Bachmann, Herman Cain, Mitt Romey, Ron Paul, & Rick Perry become household names, even if each has had their weaknesses & foibles exposed for the entire world to pass judgment on. That’s American politics. It’s not perfect, but it’s still the best system in the world.

 

 

 

 

actresses Elizabeth Taylor, Jane Russell, Betty Garrett (Laverne & Shirley), Anne Francis (Forbidden Planet), Peggy Rea (The Dukes of Hazzard, Grace Under Fire)…former Secretary of State Warren Christopher…Apple Computers founder Steve Jobs…director Sidney Lumet (12 Angry Men, Dog Day Afternoon, Network)…George Ballas (inventor of the Weed Eater)…“Dr. Death” Jack Kevorkian…Frank Buckles (the last surviving WW1 veteran)…fitness guru Jack Lalanne…Indy 500 Champion Dan Wheldon…golf legend Seve Ballesteros…saxophonist Clarence Clemons…boxer Joe Frazier…former Pittsburgh Pirates manager Chuck Tanner…former Vice Presidential candidate Geraldine Ferraro…blues musician Pinetop Perkins…alleged singer Amy Winehouse…producers Sherwood Schwartz (The Brady Bunch, Gilligan’s Island) & Gil Cates (Academy Awards Show)…former First Lady Betty Ford…retired MLB pitcher Mike Flanagan…Jimmy Kimmel’s Uncle Frank Potenza…baseball broadcaster Ernie Johnson…former NY Governor Hugh Carey…Dolores Hope (widow of Bob Hope)…Big East Conference founder Dave Gavitt…singer Dobie Gray (Drift Away)…Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis…pollster George Gallup…cartoonist Bil Keane (The Family Circus)…journalists Andy Rooney & Christopher Hitchins…retired football players Orlando Brown, Bubba Smith, Mike Heimerdinger, Kent Hull, and Chester McGlockton…actors Michael Gough (Batman), Jeff Conaway (Taxi), Edward Hardwicke (The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes), Jackie Cooper (Our Gang, Superman), Peter Falk (Columbo), James Arness (Gunsmoke), GD Spradlin (The Godfather Part II, One on One, North Dallas Forty, Apocalypse Now), Roberts Blossom (Home Alone, Doc Hollywood), Cliff Robertson (PT109, Spider-Man), Charles Napier (The Blues Brothers), and Harry Morgan (M*A*S*H, The Glenn Miller Story)…wrestling legends Sir Oliver Humperdink & “Macho Man” Randy Savage…baseball Hall of Famers Duke Snider, Ron Santo, and Harmon Killebrew…retired NBA players Robert “Tractor” Traylor, Lorenzo Charles, and Walt Hazzard…NFL Hall of Famers Andy Robustelli, John Henry Johnson, John Mackey, and Lee Roy Selmon

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The Parable of the Lost Wallet

I can be absent minded and scatter brained. Sometimes I wonder with a certain level of concern what I might be like when I get older. When I leave my apartment every day there are certain things I try to make sure are with me…cell phone, home keys, wallet, truck keys, the keys I need to infiltrate the guarded fortress where I work. I have to make sure I have both sets of glasses…if it’s sunny outside and I’m wearing sunglasses I need to make sure my actual glasses are with me as well, and if it’s not sunny at the moment but may be later I need to plan for that contingency. I have an air pump for my wheelchair cushion that I always need to have access to because the cushion tends to randomly go flat for no real reason. If I am going to the bank I need the proper paperwork. If I’m headed to church or Bible Study I need my Bible. It’s a lot of pressure!! And quite frankly, sometimes I fail in my mission. What usually happens is I leave my apartment and somewhere between entering the elevator on the fifth floor and departing it on the first, or maybe between the elevator downstairs and my parking lot it dawns on me what I’ve forgotten. This seems to be a case of “like father like son”, as I recall many times as a child it would take my Dad 2 or 3 tries to actually leave the driveway successfully without forgetting something. The apple truly doesn’t fall far from the tree.

 

I bring this up because I recently lost my wallet, or so I thought. I was working a swing shift and upon departing my workplace at midnight I gathered my stuff up and headed home. When I got home I needed my wallet for some reason. I forget exactly why. Anyway, I looked in my man purse (more formally known as a messenger bag) and couldn’t find it. I emptied the bag of its contents…a Bible, a book or two, my IPhone, keys…..but no wallet. I suddenly became concerned. But I thought for sure that I’d just left it on my desk at work, so I called. I work at a 24/7-365 hotline so I knew the lady working midnight shift would answer, which she did. I asked her to look for my wallet. No wallet. Now I was really beginning to freak out. I’m not a wealthy man and rarely carry much cash, so that wasn’t really a big deal. The bigger issue in my mind was the possibility of identity theft. I was overwhelmed at the thought of all the hassles involved with cancelling credit cards, having to get a new drivers’ license and social security card, and trying to replace various other things I carry, some of which might not seem all that vital to most but they are meaningful to me.

 

I only live about a mile away from my job, so I made a swift decision to hop in the truck and come back down to look myself. Upon arriving in the parking lot and getting out of the truck, wheelchair and all (and those who know me realize it’s not an easy process) I realized I’d made a slight error…I’d forgotten the previously mentioned keys to the fortress. I couldn’t just call and have my co-worker come down and let me in because she was alone and not allowed to leave her post…plus I hadn’t bothered to bring my phone either. So I returned home and by this time I was an odd mix of manic and exhausted. It’s not a good combination. I got the fortress keys (and my phone) and once again came back to the office. I came, I saw, and I did not conquer…still no wallet. I returned home resigned to the fact that the next day was going to be a hellish effort of phone calls and trips to the DMV and whatever else needed to be done. And then, when I was at that point where all I could think about was sleep, I had a revelation. I reached for the man purse and took a peak into the rarely used back compartment. I had a slight inkling, a miniscule recollection of possibly having placed the wallet there earlier that afternoon. I never ever put anything in that compartment. But this time I had put something there. Words cannot express the feeling of relief I had as I clutched this wallet…this meaningless, insignificant object…in my arms like a baby and literally said, out loud, “thank you Jesus!!”.

 

And that’s when it hit me. I was reacting this way in regards to an inanimate possession, something completely replaceable and, in the grand scheme of life, not all that important. That’s when I began to think. I began to ponder people who come out of the mall or the grocery store and realize their car has been stolen. I began to contemplate folks who come home to find their home ransacked and pillaged, or worse…burnt to the ground. Then my mind wandered to parents who take their eyes off their child for just one second and all the sudden they’re gone. If I was so relieved to find something as relatively irrelevant as a wallet how must it feel to have that automobile found or realize that the thieves didn’t take anything of real value out of the home?? What must a parent feel like at that moment when a child who has been lost returns home safe and sound?? And then my mind began to zero in on Jesus.

 

I’d read the parables in the new testament about lost sheep, a lost coin, and the lost son. But now they had come to life in a very real, very personal way. The relief and dare I say joy I felt at the moment I found my stupid wallet can’t even begin to compare to the thrill Jesus  must get when one of his lost children decides to reclaim their relationship with The Father. I believe God speaks to us if we’re smart enough and open enough to hear what He is saying, and I believe that He was teaching me a very valuable lesson the night I didn’t lose my wallet but was convinced that I did.